A good start, and then a stumble...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
A good start, and then a stumble...
Hello all,
I am not quite sure there to start. I suppose I will begin with a little back story.
About 1.5 years ago my wife and I decided to leave our careers in a bigger city and move back to our home town. I got a job first, and moved back ahead of her while she stayed behind and packed and sold the house.
The job I got was a complete 180 from what I knew. I was accustomed to the freedom to handle my work responsibilities on my own, reporting daily or weekly to a team lead to discuss progress or blocking issues.
This job couldn't have been more different. People clocked in at 9:00am on the dot and out at 5:00pm sharp. You were watched by management constantly (unusual for my professional field). Bathroom breaks were monitored. My manager were incapable of saying no to their superiors, to the point where our project ballooned to literally ten times its original size. We got no extra resources, and were just told to handle it.
My wife was still back in our old city, working her job and packing in the evening. She didn't have a lot of time to talk to me, and I suddenly had a lot of free time in the evenings. I started meeting friends to go for a few drinks most nights. I was miserable at work, and I missed my wife. This was compounded by the fact that I didn't want to tell her I hated the job we were moving back for (she wanted to get a job here too). I felt it would undermine the difficult things she was going through (constant house showings, packing, etc).
Eventually she sold the house and arrived back in our home tome. The time apart had changed us, somehow, and we were having trouble reconnecting. I continued to drink even more, but still within what most people would call normal amounts.
After a while, I quit the first job after a particularly rough bout of verbal abuse from my manager. I reported him to HR, found out he had a long list of such complaints, etc.
I found another job pretty quickly, but it didn't turn out to be much better. It was for a small company, and they were really worried about micromanaging their employees to get every dime of productivity out of them (it's economically depressed here, so companies can get away with this as there aren't many jobs). They also had a really toxic, catty 'culture' of petty name calling, oneupmanship, etc.
I start to have fairly serious panic attacks around this time. I would break down in the shower before work and cry uncontrollably. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt the world closing in. I felt incredibly trapped, since I was the sole bread winner suddenly and I had no prospect of leaving this job I hated so much. I could feel the pressure in my eyes increase as I drove out there every day.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of jobs. I've never been fired, and I've put up with a lot, but these two jobs really took the cake.
Eventually when my anxiety got bad enough that a panic attack ended up with me in the hospital my wife came to me and said to quit the job if it was this bad for me.
So I did. Somehow, I didn't feel relief though. I started drinking every night to get to sleep. I was drinking a lot. I don't remember a good week or two in the middle of this, but my wife assures me she found me in a terrible state several times.
I just know that one morning my wife and family were there when I woke up, and they asked to check myself to the hospital.
I agreed, and was treated for anxiety and depression, and very likely alcohol withdrawal (although that wasn't mentioned to me). I was in the hospital for almost a month until they got my anxiety meds stabilized.
This was roughly last October. Since then my wife has caught me drinking many times. I kept bottles around the house. I told myself I was self medicating, but I wasn't sure from what anymore.
At this point I had landed a GREAT new job (that I still have). I love it here a lot. My wife and I weren't doing great, but it was ok.
Eventually, in early January, after a week of sobriety my wife found me with a bottle and kicked me out for 4 days. She made going to rehab of some kind a condition of my coming home, and I gladly agreed. This was January 10th.
I was doing so well until yesterday. My wife was gone for the evening, and I went out and bought two tall cans of beer. When she came home, she could immediately tell I had been drinking.
I lied, and said I hadn't been. I was scared I would be kicked out again, or worse. I doubled down on this, until she eventually went and bought one of those keychain breathalyzers and caught me. I gave up, and told her the truth. I really shouldn't have tried to cling to my lie for so long. I just felt trapped in it at that point, and scared of the repercussions.
I don't really know why I threw away two weeks of hard earned trust for two beers.
I thought to myself that I knew binge drinking was a waste of my time. I had already established that. I thought maybe light social drinking was still worth it. I get invited to go for a beer half a dozen times a week. I wanted to know if a beer or two was worthwhile in terms of how I felt. It wasn't.
I don't really know where to go from here. I am fairly confident I'll be able to stick to my sobriety plan now. I will be bored a lot, but I can handle that. I've got some good books on my life, some good games, some good TV, etc.
I've done so much damage to my wife's trust though. I don't know how I will ever earn that back. Some might consider yesterday to be a small slip, but to her the damage to our trust was enormous.
I have a mental health/addiction counsellor who I will see tonight. Perhaps he will help me shine some light on this. I don't know though.
I don't know. I guess I will restart my clock and hope I can not screw it up this time.
Thanks for listening.
I am not quite sure there to start. I suppose I will begin with a little back story.
About 1.5 years ago my wife and I decided to leave our careers in a bigger city and move back to our home town. I got a job first, and moved back ahead of her while she stayed behind and packed and sold the house.
The job I got was a complete 180 from what I knew. I was accustomed to the freedom to handle my work responsibilities on my own, reporting daily or weekly to a team lead to discuss progress or blocking issues.
This job couldn't have been more different. People clocked in at 9:00am on the dot and out at 5:00pm sharp. You were watched by management constantly (unusual for my professional field). Bathroom breaks were monitored. My manager were incapable of saying no to their superiors, to the point where our project ballooned to literally ten times its original size. We got no extra resources, and were just told to handle it.
My wife was still back in our old city, working her job and packing in the evening. She didn't have a lot of time to talk to me, and I suddenly had a lot of free time in the evenings. I started meeting friends to go for a few drinks most nights. I was miserable at work, and I missed my wife. This was compounded by the fact that I didn't want to tell her I hated the job we were moving back for (she wanted to get a job here too). I felt it would undermine the difficult things she was going through (constant house showings, packing, etc).
Eventually she sold the house and arrived back in our home tome. The time apart had changed us, somehow, and we were having trouble reconnecting. I continued to drink even more, but still within what most people would call normal amounts.
After a while, I quit the first job after a particularly rough bout of verbal abuse from my manager. I reported him to HR, found out he had a long list of such complaints, etc.
I found another job pretty quickly, but it didn't turn out to be much better. It was for a small company, and they were really worried about micromanaging their employees to get every dime of productivity out of them (it's economically depressed here, so companies can get away with this as there aren't many jobs). They also had a really toxic, catty 'culture' of petty name calling, oneupmanship, etc.
I start to have fairly serious panic attacks around this time. I would break down in the shower before work and cry uncontrollably. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt the world closing in. I felt incredibly trapped, since I was the sole bread winner suddenly and I had no prospect of leaving this job I hated so much. I could feel the pressure in my eyes increase as I drove out there every day.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of jobs. I've never been fired, and I've put up with a lot, but these two jobs really took the cake.
Eventually when my anxiety got bad enough that a panic attack ended up with me in the hospital my wife came to me and said to quit the job if it was this bad for me.
So I did. Somehow, I didn't feel relief though. I started drinking every night to get to sleep. I was drinking a lot. I don't remember a good week or two in the middle of this, but my wife assures me she found me in a terrible state several times.
I just know that one morning my wife and family were there when I woke up, and they asked to check myself to the hospital.
I agreed, and was treated for anxiety and depression, and very likely alcohol withdrawal (although that wasn't mentioned to me). I was in the hospital for almost a month until they got my anxiety meds stabilized.
This was roughly last October. Since then my wife has caught me drinking many times. I kept bottles around the house. I told myself I was self medicating, but I wasn't sure from what anymore.
At this point I had landed a GREAT new job (that I still have). I love it here a lot. My wife and I weren't doing great, but it was ok.
Eventually, in early January, after a week of sobriety my wife found me with a bottle and kicked me out for 4 days. She made going to rehab of some kind a condition of my coming home, and I gladly agreed. This was January 10th.
I was doing so well until yesterday. My wife was gone for the evening, and I went out and bought two tall cans of beer. When she came home, she could immediately tell I had been drinking.
I lied, and said I hadn't been. I was scared I would be kicked out again, or worse. I doubled down on this, until she eventually went and bought one of those keychain breathalyzers and caught me. I gave up, and told her the truth. I really shouldn't have tried to cling to my lie for so long. I just felt trapped in it at that point, and scared of the repercussions.
I don't really know why I threw away two weeks of hard earned trust for two beers.
I thought to myself that I knew binge drinking was a waste of my time. I had already established that. I thought maybe light social drinking was still worth it. I get invited to go for a beer half a dozen times a week. I wanted to know if a beer or two was worthwhile in terms of how I felt. It wasn't.
I don't really know where to go from here. I am fairly confident I'll be able to stick to my sobriety plan now. I will be bored a lot, but I can handle that. I've got some good books on my life, some good games, some good TV, etc.
I've done so much damage to my wife's trust though. I don't know how I will ever earn that back. Some might consider yesterday to be a small slip, but to her the damage to our trust was enormous.
I have a mental health/addiction counsellor who I will see tonight. Perhaps he will help me shine some light on this. I don't know though.
I don't know. I guess I will restart my clock and hope I can not screw it up this time.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
EarlOT-hello and great for the honest post. That is a key word- honesty. My story is a very drastic one. I had everything 'happy days' families are supposed to be. I did not have the emotional maturity to keep any of it. I perhaps see some commonalities with my story. I did a 'geographical', increased drinking which increased anxiety and depression in a catch-22 situation. I was secretive- which led to lying, increased drinking- moving jobs for 'because' reasons. All of which was because I was running away. Do you go to meetings- AA or SMART? Great also that you are seeing a counsellor. Face to face daily support is important.
Prayers- PJ.
Prayers- PJ.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. Sorry for what brings you here, but the decision to quit drinking is probably a wise one.
What is your sobriety plan, if I might ask? You struggled to stay sober, drank after rehab, so I hope whatever your plan was, you've modified it. Whatever the plan, it better contain, "Never drinking again. Ever."
The mental health/addiction counsellor visit is a good idea. Hope you stick around SR and add it to your support.
Originally Posted by EarlOfThrowaway 
I am fairly confident I'll be able to stick to my sobriety plan now.
The mental health/addiction counsellor visit is a good idea. Hope you stick around SR and add it to your support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
What a sad story. I'm newly sober so I won't hazard any words of wisdom except to say that my problem drinking seems to have also started as a means of reducing anxiety and relaxing. Then of course it becomes a problem in its own right and takes on a life of its own.
I attend AA these days. It isn't for everyone, but it offers a path out of addiction and, given you are afraid of being bored - something to do with your evenings too!
All the best!
I attend AA these days. It isn't for everyone, but it offers a path out of addiction and, given you are afraid of being bored - something to do with your evenings too!
All the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
Everyone, thanks for taking the time to right.
PJ: Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I'm just learning today on this board about alcohol and its nasty relationship with anxiety, which I've dealt with for a long time. I found a SMART meeting about 40 minutes drive from where I live. I'm going to attend this Wednesday.
doggonecarl: My plan was and is to not drink again. I'm adding in some more support this time. I've joined up here at SR, and as I mentioned earlier I'm going to start attending a SMART meeting somewhat locally.
Mention: Thanks for chiming in. I find myself focusing on secular resources, because I don't want to start my recovery by lying to myself about my beliefs. Good luck in your own journey. I hope you manage it better than I have.
PJ: Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I'm just learning today on this board about alcohol and its nasty relationship with anxiety, which I've dealt with for a long time. I found a SMART meeting about 40 minutes drive from where I live. I'm going to attend this Wednesday.
doggonecarl: My plan was and is to not drink again. I'm adding in some more support this time. I've joined up here at SR, and as I mentioned earlier I'm going to start attending a SMART meeting somewhat locally.
Mention: Thanks for chiming in. I find myself focusing on secular resources, because I don't want to start my recovery by lying to myself about my beliefs. Good luck in your own journey. I hope you manage it better than I have.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Originally Posted by EarlOfThrowaway
-snip-
Mention: Thanks for chiming in. I find myself focusing on secular resources, because I don't want to start my recovery by lying to myself about my beliefs. Good luck in your own journey. I hope you manage it better than I have.
Mention: Thanks for chiming in. I find myself focusing on secular resources, because I don't want to start my recovery by lying to myself about my beliefs. Good luck in your own journey. I hope you manage it better than I have.
Secular 12 Step Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Mentium
Nor I - I'm an atheist. It is a bigger tent than I realised though. I've no wish to push AA but you may wish to check out the secular AA section here:
[Link removed because I cannot repost it yet due to low reputation.]
[Link removed because I cannot repost it yet due to low reputation.]
I am new here, but I will make sure to check out that section. I appreciate you bringing my attention to it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome and I'm glad you found us. I think it's so important to have a firm plan in place for how to stay sober and recover. There will be moments like you've had when a good plan will help you get through it.
Many of us on this board, including me, began drinking to self-medicate anxiety/depression. Sadly alcohol is a depressant and it generally makes anxiety worse. My anxiety is still with me, but it is manageable in recovery.
Many of us on this board, including me, began drinking to self-medicate anxiety/depression. Sadly alcohol is a depressant and it generally makes anxiety worse. My anxiety is still with me, but it is manageable in recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Hi and welcome Earl 
This gives you a pretty good idea on plans and how to make one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
This gives you a pretty good idea on plans and how to make one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Anna
Many of us on this board, including me, began drinking to self-medicate anxiety/depression. Sadly alcohol is a depressant and it generally makes anxiety worse. My anxiety is still with me, but it is manageable in recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi and welcome Earl
This gives you a pretty good idea on plans and how to make one:
D
This gives you a pretty good idea on plans and how to make one:
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Woodburn, OR
Posts: 422
Hi Earl,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to the so many parts about your job transition and move. As I'm sure you've learned- this is a good place and stay if you can. I'm new to sobriety but doing all I can. My husband and I recently moved from the city to a small town and I'm still looking for work and adjusting so I know what it's like to feel like your in the Twilight Zone all of a sudden.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to the so many parts about your job transition and move. As I'm sure you've learned- this is a good place and stay if you can. I'm new to sobriety but doing all I can. My husband and I recently moved from the city to a small town and I'm still looking for work and adjusting so I know what it's like to feel like your in the Twilight Zone all of a sudden.
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