Spartanman

I used to get asked this question ... mostly by my wife, after I came home from work, or after coming in from "yard work". I would try and cover my breath with gum, mints, cough drops, coffee, anything, like that really works when you've ingested a keg of beer over the course of a few hours! And in addition to the smell, which I notice now whenever I am too close to a pub-goer on the subway, I must have been glassy-eyed and uncoordinated. It was obvious; but she would still ask. I would say, "No", or "Why are you asking me that?!" She would just look dejected at the response. I did that so many times through the years. A few times I would say, "Sorry, I'm sorry", and then get weepy. And then I would drink again the next day and come home chewing five pieces of gum.

Then she stopped asking ... Those were the last few years where she had given up I suppose. She stayed with me, though. I could not have been the person she wanted to be with; probably for her it was like being imprisoned in a relationship. She probably resented me a great deal. I have so much guilt and regret about those years and hope I can make it right.

I've had some ups and downs since starting my sober journey this past fall / winter ... now I've gotten more sustained sober time, and have a good plan in place to never drink again one day at a time, and my relationship with my wife is already SO much better. I feel like she is starting to like me again. I am more attentive, more considerate and caring, not because I want to make up for the past, which I would love to make up for but know I can't undo, but more so because I am actually starting to feel feelings again, like caring about people other than myself, including my wife and kids. It's pretty amazing how small and selfish the world of my active addiction was.

So anyway last night I came home and shared something with her, and I shared it in a sort of excited/happy way. She listened and then asked, her eyes narrowing, "Have you been drinking?" I answered, "No." It was the same answer I had give so many times throughout the years, but I wasn't lying this time! I think she may have believed me ... I wasn't hurt by the question. I know it will take a lot of time to reestablish trust. It is still early in the journey. I am just so happy that I was able to be honest with her.

Hope everyone is having a great sober day today.

tomsteve

awesome to read both how your relationship is changing and the insight you've gained.

August252015

I can relate to everything you said! I lived with my parents at different points over my serious drinking years and this was part of our dynamic.

For work, I even remember doing ridiculous things like sucking on pennies to cover my breath. I'm sure I got that one from Dr Google.

Now, there is no worry- I fell at work last night (I work in a restaurant) and there wasn't even a thought that I had been drinking (some people do and I certainly went to work plenty when I had been before ). Life is so much better and easier around everyone and with everything!

BrendaChenowyth

No one has ever asked me that. People had to have smelled it. Nobody wants to be rude and nobody wants to get involved.

I would like to be asked, now that I'm five months sober, especially by people who know I had a problem with it. I don't want to be congratulated, I just want a sign of interest in how I'm doing. Never happens.

thomas11

I got that question all the time and it was the kiss of death. If I have one drink, people that know me can tell. Not sure why or what it is, but it runs in our family. None of the men can drink and look like they haven't been drinking. It's painfully obvious.

Bobbieka

Totally relate. "have you had a drink?" me, "no." I never had one drink. Now is so much better.

entropy1964

I relate to what you're saying. I don't have anyone asking me because no one fricken cares. They care if I'm sober. Period. And I completely get that. My daughter just wants a normal Mom.

So funny how we try to hide the smell....when I was drinking, even if I hadn't been drinking, I wasn't as sensitive to the smell. Now that I'm sober I can smell it from a mile away.

HopeandFaith1

Even worse than those dreaded words was "the look"...I used to drink in the car on my way home from work. When I got home my husband would give me that look with his eyes narrowed like he was trying to decide whether to say anything or not. For some reason that always seemed worse to me. Of course, I would have lied about it even if he had asked me

I'm really grateful I haven't had to worry about that for a long time now.

Ruby2

What a great post, Spartanman. It raised a whole lot of feelings for me. I used to chew gum to cover the smell and I am not a gum chewer. I got called out for the gum chewing in court and it was very embarrassing. Always so paranoid that someone would smell the alcohol on me.

Then reading it from a different standpoint, I can identify with your wife. The dejection and disappointment. My husband is on his millionth day 2. I never smell the alcohol on him as my sense of smell is pretty bad. I can tell by the mannerisms. Ugh.

It is early in your journey but it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Congrats.

Sparkos

What a fantastically uplifting post.
I can just imagine how wonderful it must feel to be regaining your wife's love and respect.
Congratulations Spartanman.

Outonthetiles

I don't think any of us got away with anything. People knew.

hodor

I totally relate to this. At the end of my abuse career, my partner had given up asking until the point where my combinations of drugs and alcohol were making her feel unsafe. I had plenty of tells, smell, behaviour, my eyes would go lazy, I'd go bright red at times, but I'd still have a back pocket full of stupid excuses I'd pull out. The lying made me constantly ashamed.
When I started my recovery journey I made a point of transparency, as part of my program of being willing to be honest. I put a calendar on my bathroom wall to tick off daily which showed which (legitimate and prescribed) drugs I had taken that day, so my wife could see for herself what I'd taken. I took off the password lock on my computer, even though she doesn't know what to do with it anyway, so if she needed to she could see what I had been doing.
I so hear you about the sadness around the dishonesty with your wife and kids. It is one that I've had to work a lot in overcoming both from learning to be honest and not being too hard on myself about my past.

The good news is, like yourself, it's working. I get compliments from my wife now, she listens to my feedback, she wants to talk to me again and she appreciates me being able to listen to her. It's incredible that in such a short space of time (almost a year for me) that things can be rekindled and that relationships can be reformed. I had pretty much given up on it and life in general before AA found me!

soberandhonest

Great uplifting post Spartanman. Thanks for sharing that. I can relate, but the question that I usually got was a text saying, 'where are you?' Man am I ever happy that those days are in the past.

Fatboyanon

Awesome post! Very uplifting. I can totally relate to this post it's like you took a chapter out of my book word for word. I hated and resented the question "have you been drinking?" Even when I said yes I always had that excuse ready "yard work, working on house projects, I had a great or terrible day" it didn't matter the occasion. No more lies and trying to gain that trust back.
Thank you for this post it really helped me tonight!

KAD

Great story!

I hated that question above all others, particularly if the answer was really "yes" but I knew I could only say "no." I'm never asked that anymore. Figures, since the right answer is always "no" now!

Hevyn

Oh, how I used to hate being asked. I was outraged & defensive. Surely the eyedrops, mouthwash, perfume & mints must have masked it? Especially when I also overcompensated by trying to be as charming & lovable as possible. As Outonthetiles said, people knew. No one was fooled. I'm so glad we don't live that way anymore.

This was wonderful, Spartanman - thank you.

Suzieq17

Great post!!

My daughter used to ask me. I was always honest, but it always cut me to the core.

Sober almost a month, and I have seen our relationship getting better. The other day she said, "we are doing so much stuff that's fun lately"....made my day.

Keep it up and congrats!!!!!

MLD51

Great post. No one asked me that, because they already knew. There was no reason to ask. But it definitely affected all of my relationships. No one trusted me. I lied about my drinking when I thought I could get away with it, which was stupid, because I never got away with it. Trust is being rebuilt now, and that feels really good. I nearly lost my best friend - a man I have had a romantic relationship with off and on for many years. No romance now, I ruined that with my behavior while was still drinking, but he trusts me as a friend again. My family trusts me again. I have a newish job where they know I used to drink (DUI's came up in background check, so we discussed it) but they trust me because I show up every day and do a good job. Most importantly, perhaps, is that I trust myself. I can make commitments and know I will keep them. I remember things people told me. I take care of the "business" of my life.

FieldReport

I get this same question on a regular basis. Last night as a matter of fact. I said no, but this morning I came downstairs to my office and she found my hidden bottle of vodka. I'm sure it couldn't be more obvious that I had been drinking. I take the day off to catch up on bookwork and I get absolutely nothing done. This is insane. I only hope I can see the light and get back to being sober before my wife leaves me. At this point, I wouldn't blame her at all.

DontRemember

I get the "what's in your cup?"..I'll answer soda..Then they ask me "what else?"..My answer is now: soda and ice?...These are my employees asking me this. Happy to say that they are all proud of my sobriety. I'm sure they saw the sinking ship I was on and were afraid I'd pull them down with me. I never hid my drinking and in a sick way was proud of it..How twisted is that!?