Pinky1

I am only 12 days sober today but so worried.

I have a 19 year old daughter and am very worried about her drinking.
I knew she liked a drink out with friends but have noticed recently she's been having drinks on her own in her room at night.

Well Saturday night she came home from work at 11 pm. She had a 10 minute chat with us then said she was going to her room to chill.
She had to be at work at 9am Sunday. She got up, not in a particularly good mood (but often isnt) showered and went to work.

A while later I went into her bathroom and noticed red splashes up the door, tiles and cabinet. Having cleaned the day before I knew they weren't already there. The bathroom smelt heavily of perfume.
I went into her room and found an empty bottle of port in the bin. I looked in her wardrobe and inside was a nearly empty bottle of whisky. Her room smelt of sick. I looked and she had been sick all in her bed.

I am really worried she has a drink problem at 19. Whisky is hard liquor and to be drinking it on her own in her room is certainly not normal. Nor is drinking port or anything really.

I know I can't judge but I don't want her to be like me.

She would have been well over the drink drive limit as well that morning. I now wonder how frequently this is happening as this morning mood is becoming a regular occurrence. As is lying in bed till all hours.

We need to speak to her when she gets home tonight but I don't know how to handle it /what to say. My eldest daughter says she will chuck it back at me when I have been drunk. Have I caused her to be like this?

I feel so guilty I don't know what to do

Dee74

Hi Pinky,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I'm not a parent, but I can tell you from my own experience that it was noone else's fault that I started drinking.

I developed some inability to cope with life as it was and I made some bad choices, but they were my choices.

I can't help with what to say - other parents here will be better at that than me - but y'know? I wish my folks had had some idea about addiction, and of recovery.

Your daughter has that in her corner at least

Don;t torture yourself - the best thing you can do is stay sober - hands down best for you, and that's the kind of role model your daughter needs.

Best wishes for you both
D

LadyBlue0527

Hi Pinky

Ah yes, the proverbial diversion tactic.

When I found out my daughter was using her pain meds after her surgery was over I was upset. The response from her was "Don't climb on my back, this is no different than you and your beers on the weekends". I realized that I had my own demons to answer for but this isn't the issue. So a possible response is "Yes, you have every right to throw that in my face and I am working on it. But, this conversation is not about me, it's about you."

I know you're feeling guilty right now but it helps to think about it logically. Don't let your shame about your past get in the way of parenting a child with a problem, focus on that. You do have some accountability because you're working on your issue. BUT, don't let her divert.

Perhaps you can work on the issue together? Although I wish neither of us ever had an issue, working together with my daughter in recovery has been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. We've formed a bond that couldn't be closer. Perhaps you can offer to do the same with her?

Please do not make this about guilt, it's about parenting and helping a child with a possible problem. Don't allow her to divert attention away from that fact.

Algorithm

I would not take a prohibitionist approach right off the bat, since this will probably backfire, but you can certainly be candid. You can explain to your daughter that you are concerned because you have some experience with this, and you don't want here to end up like you did.

Explain to her that drinking oneself to sleep every night is a sure fire, proven method of building up tolerance, dependence, and eventually, addiction. This process can occur with weaker drinks, but it will be much faster with spirits.

Explain to her that the "nerves" one feels on the day after are in fact signs of alcohol withdrawal. Alcohol depresses the nervous system, and when it wears off, the nerves will rebound in the opposite direction. This is why regular heavy drinkers are usually on edge most of the day.

Definitely explain that driving in the morning after a night of heavy drinking means that she was probably driving while still under the influence of alcohol, and possibly alcohol withdrawal. This is risky business, and a lot of people get DUI's this way. They have to get to work, and they think they are sober enough, so they drive.

I suppose it's up to you whether or not to mention the bottles you found in her wardrobe, since she might get defensive about invading her privacy, but you could always leave that part out, and simply say that you just know the signs from other things you saw.

I don't accept some of the conclusions in the book, but Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by James Milam explains the progression of alcohol addiction rather well. It might be worth a read.

entropy1964

Oh geez our worst nightmare huh? I have a daughter also, 16, and I'm not sure how I'd handle it.

I think Lady is absolutely right however. Not to let your issues detract from what she is doing. And you'll have to own your part in this and recognize now more than ever you are setting the example.

I am the child of an alcoholic and no doubt that played into my addiction. Is it my dad's fault, no. But growing up in household where there were no boundaries, basically no rules, tons of dishonesty and no communication? I basically have/had no idea how to cope with pretty much anything.

Sooo if your daughter is drinking to the point of puking in her bed (not to mention alone) something is wrong. Obviously the alcohol and its implications for addiction are a big part of this. But something else is wrong, no? She may be having some challenges and has no idea how to cope.

Talk to her. Be honest. Own your stuff. Let her know you're there for her and will listen anytime she wants to open up. You can't fix her, but you can guide her. Love her.

Anna

My daughter was 16 and my son was 18 when I began to drink, and I continued for about 3 years. They have their own families now and rarely drink, thank goodness. I think they learned from what they saw of me.

It's very disturbing that your daughter is drinking a lot and I do hope that you and your husband talk to her and offer her support. I hope and pray that she will turn things around.

Marissa41

I started drinking at 14 and hid it in my closet. My daughter is 20 and wants nothing to do it.
I know it's early in sobriety for you and maybe you feel guilty, but don't. Take the advice here and try.. Best Wishes!!

Fly N Buy

Blame is folly - change demonstrates hope and willingness. I have a 20'year old and I've been sober for almost three years. Denial and deflection are common when I speak to him of potential issues in his choices.

I made him aware of how alcoholism has run in our family and how I made a decision to change, taking action to back it up. I can try to light the path, engage him with love and keep communication open.

At 20 I rarely listened to others - especially my parents. I did however mimic behavior of those closest to me. Speak from the heart and ask open ended questions I find helepful. If I accuse, he shuts down.

Thoughts and prayers to you - keep staying sober!

Forward12

I remember when I was 19 my father found a bottle of jack I had. He dumped it out and let me know about how alcoholism ran in the family, and if I wanted to go to an AA meeting with him. I just brushed it off as I didn't have a drinking problem and more or less just liked to party here and there and thought it was cool to have the bottle.
Over time I did become an alcoholic, but I think at this point the best thing to do is focus on your own sobriety and set a positive example. I think they may find it hypocritical to judge their drinking when you've had one yourself, but being supportive and letting them know they are going down a very steep slope is not something they want to do.

Nonsensical

Does that mean you would not be worried if you weren't an alcoholic?

Of course not!

You found your daughter has been hiding liquor in her room, drinking alone, and probably to the point of being sick. These are things that make a parent worry. The blame game is a side show.

Be frank with your daughter about your concerns. It doesn't really matter if she throws it back in your face. If she does it is just her AV barking. Those AV's don't like to be confronted and they have been known to lash out when they are. Stay calm and stick to the facts:
1. You love her.
2. You are concerned because her behavior is unhealthy.
3. You know because you've done it yourself
4. You are there for her when she needs you.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Pinky1

Thank you everyone for all of your support and advice.
She came home this evening with great news regarding a job opportunity she has been focusing on. Will be a big upheaval moving away/different country but it's what she wants to do.
We havent mentioned anything about the alcohol as didn't feel it appropriate this evening, she's buzzing with her news I can't take that away from her she's worked so hard for it.
Difficult one as suppose there is never a good time. I'm working nights now until Friday so we have agreed to postpone speaking to her until then

Thank you to you all for your posts. I have not had a drink again and am determined not to don't want her to see me relapsing.

BixBees505

Just an off the beam comment here... Children are very very sly Devils toward their parents/jailers/gatekeepers. I remember coming home "buzzing" with whatever I thought would distract my parents from their best efforts with me, knowing or suspecting they had caught whiff of whatever. Just be aware, as I am sure you are, Pinky. To speak with your daughter about this is not judgmental...it is generous. Controlling? No. Attempt at open dialog? Worth it...every time.