Back at maximum rev's!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 437
Back at maximum rev's!
Hello, everyone. Hope you’re all well and making progress. It's been a while!
Some of you may remember me – I was around early / mid 2014.
And if I’d stayed true to myself, in February would notch up 3 years. I tapered (pardon the pun) my involvement with SR after about 6 months because I felt a bit saturated with all the alcohol talk (hindsight is 20/20 though). I popped in now and again just to see what was going on but generally felt confident that my plans were in place.
About a month ago my wife and I had a catastrophic fall-out. Accusations flying, she’s moving out, etc. Now I love my wife dearly and some sort of deep down trigger was pulled. Something I never anticipated, planned or ever wanted.
She basically moved out and while she was driving off the one way, I was driving off the other way – to the bottle store. I bought a 200ml vodka, sat in the parking area, and drank it. Then I went back and got another one. Crazy that I asked the sales lady for a “small” one – the bigger ones were 375ml, as if somehow “small” made it less reprehensible. What followed was a week or so’s madness.
Some observations.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
The ferocity of my drinking was amazing. I went straight back to the volumes I had left off when I stopped. No gentle ramp up, this was b@lls-to-the-wall from the first moment.
After about a week I stopped cold turkey because I somehow realised I was on a very quick path to death. Last time I stopped, the symptoms disappeared completely in about a week. This time it took two agonising weeks. And I’m still not feeling 100%.
My apologies for the longish post but I had to give some context.
We’re still separated, but at least we are talking. And the booze – well that terrified me. I hadn’t even thought of alcohol in 6 months, maybe a year? Could go to functions where it was served and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. But that trigger was pulled very deliberately, very quickly.
Any thoughts, suggestions, please?
Some of you may remember me – I was around early / mid 2014.
And if I’d stayed true to myself, in February would notch up 3 years. I tapered (pardon the pun) my involvement with SR after about 6 months because I felt a bit saturated with all the alcohol talk (hindsight is 20/20 though). I popped in now and again just to see what was going on but generally felt confident that my plans were in place.
About a month ago my wife and I had a catastrophic fall-out. Accusations flying, she’s moving out, etc. Now I love my wife dearly and some sort of deep down trigger was pulled. Something I never anticipated, planned or ever wanted.
She basically moved out and while she was driving off the one way, I was driving off the other way – to the bottle store. I bought a 200ml vodka, sat in the parking area, and drank it. Then I went back and got another one. Crazy that I asked the sales lady for a “small” one – the bigger ones were 375ml, as if somehow “small” made it less reprehensible. What followed was a week or so’s madness.
Some observations.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
The ferocity of my drinking was amazing. I went straight back to the volumes I had left off when I stopped. No gentle ramp up, this was b@lls-to-the-wall from the first moment.
After about a week I stopped cold turkey because I somehow realised I was on a very quick path to death. Last time I stopped, the symptoms disappeared completely in about a week. This time it took two agonising weeks. And I’m still not feeling 100%.
My apologies for the longish post but I had to give some context.
We’re still separated, but at least we are talking. And the booze – well that terrified me. I hadn’t even thought of alcohol in 6 months, maybe a year? Could go to functions where it was served and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. But that trigger was pulled very deliberately, very quickly.
Any thoughts, suggestions, please?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Bruce,
Welcome back, sorry for all that you have going on right now. Was this the first time you drank since joining here in 2014?
There are lots of great links on this site to help come up with a recovery plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I just pasted Dee's link. I found focusing on recovery, rather than "I can't drink," to be helpful. Some of the things that help me most are: reading and posting on SR daily, journaling, exercise, reading, and mindfulness. Two threads that are really helpful to me are the 24 hour thread, and the monthly classes, you can join the January 2017 class.
I am glad you and your wife are talking, and I hope you will be able to work things out. I am glad you have stopped drinking, and came back here. Looking forward to seeing you on SR.
❤️Delilah
Welcome back, sorry for all that you have going on right now. Was this the first time you drank since joining here in 2014?
There are lots of great links on this site to help come up with a recovery plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I just pasted Dee's link. I found focusing on recovery, rather than "I can't drink," to be helpful. Some of the things that help me most are: reading and posting on SR daily, journaling, exercise, reading, and mindfulness. Two threads that are really helpful to me are the 24 hour thread, and the monthly classes, you can join the January 2017 class.
I am glad you and your wife are talking, and I hope you will be able to work things out. I am glad you have stopped drinking, and came back here. Looking forward to seeing you on SR.
❤️Delilah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 437
Hello, Delilah, thanks for the kind words.
Three years ago I thought I had my plan wrapped up - I even had a song to keep me company - obviously not good enough. I think the "I can't drink" was the weak link. I was almost on autopilot, avoiding alcohol but not acknowledging it enough.
It was an eye-opener and a week or so's alcoholic haze.
Back to square 1. Damn.
B.
Three years ago I thought I had my plan wrapped up - I even had a song to keep me company - obviously not good enough. I think the "I can't drink" was the weak link. I was almost on autopilot, avoiding alcohol but not acknowledging it enough.
It was an eye-opener and a week or so's alcoholic haze.
Back to square 1. Damn.
B.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Welcome back Bruce 
Naturally enough I recommend making a plan..sometimes weird stuff can hit you out of the blue and if you aren't match fit with your recovery, it's easy to revert to an old default.
There;s a difference between not drinking and being in recovery I think - I found that out the hard way myself.
As painful as this must be, it could be just the kind of fresh new start you need?
D
Naturally enough I recommend making a plan..sometimes weird stuff can hit you out of the blue and if you aren't match fit with your recovery, it's easy to revert to an old default.
There;s a difference between not drinking and being in recovery I think - I found that out the hard way myself.
As painful as this must be, it could be just the kind of fresh new start you need?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Bruce glad you're back. I'm sorry for your suffering right now.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
This statement might be leaving a lot out? You split up with your wife. After one argument? My guess is there's been a build up there that led to the end of your marriage. The build up to drink may have been happening at the same time. Its just a guess.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
This statement might be leaving a lot out? You split up with your wife. After one argument? My guess is there's been a build up there that led to the end of your marriage. The build up to drink may have been happening at the same time. Its just a guess.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome back, Bruce.
I'm so glad you've already stopped. Sorry about your wife, but it will do no good to continue to beat yourself over the head with a bottle.
I was the one who left my marriage and in my case I used it as a springboard for many positive changes, including stopping drinking. As miserable as I was over it, I couldn't add the agony of alcohol to my daily life any more.
Stick with us. I remember you from our March class. I guess you get to make all new January friends.
I'm so glad you've already stopped. Sorry about your wife, but it will do no good to continue to beat yourself over the head with a bottle.
I was the one who left my marriage and in my case I used it as a springboard for many positive changes, including stopping drinking. As miserable as I was over it, I couldn't add the agony of alcohol to my daily life any more.
Stick with us. I remember you from our March class. I guess you get to make all new January friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Welcome back, Bruce! Congratulations on 6 months of recovery. I think this experience has showed you how diabolical alcoholism can be. It saw a tiny opening and that was all it needed. I'm glad you've stopped drinking and are feeling better now. I'm also glad that you and your wife are talking to each other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Hey Bruce glad you're back. I'm sorry for your suffering right now.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
This statement might be leaving a lot out? You split up with your wife. After one argument? My guess is there's been a build up there that led to the end of your marriage. The build up to drink may have been happening at the same time. Its just a guess.
It just hit me out of the blue. No obvious lead-up or signs. A hellova argument, move out and booze. All within about an hour.
This statement might be leaving a lot out? You split up with your wife. After one argument? My guess is there's been a build up there that led to the end of your marriage. The build up to drink may have been happening at the same time. Its just a guess.
Let's just say that 3 is a crowd and I don't want to be part of that crowd. I was blindsided, it happened so quickly. I didn't see any signs. It got so heated my neighbour from across the road wanted to restrain me.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Bruce,
I get being blindsided. The same has happened to me more than once. Only once did I allow it to cause a return to drinking. After that, my new plan was to expect that at some point something will blindside me. After that, there were times I was definitely completely thrown, but I had taken drinking completely off the table as an option and just had to hunker down, muster every ounce of grit I had, and muddle through without drinking. It wasn't (and won't be in the future) easy to do, but it must be done. A return to drinking will take an emotionally devastating situation to complete obliteration of all that is me.
I think that when really devastating things happen, the natural inclination is to somehow, by any means, escape that feeling of devastation. Drinking will do that, for bits at a time, but the devastation remains until it is worked through. Drinking does not allow working through, so the nasty feelings remain. Only by going through the pain, even if it meant the fetal position crying, was I able to get through to the other side.
My mindset now is that it is likely there will be things that upend me in life, because that is the nature of life, but no matter what drinking will never be an option. Those times will come, and often unexpectedly. I cannot predict what life will bring, but I can make sure with certainty that drinking in response to them will not happen. Life's events are not always within my control, but whether or not I put alcohol in my body is 100% within my control.
I'm glad you are here.
I get being blindsided. The same has happened to me more than once. Only once did I allow it to cause a return to drinking. After that, my new plan was to expect that at some point something will blindside me. After that, there were times I was definitely completely thrown, but I had taken drinking completely off the table as an option and just had to hunker down, muster every ounce of grit I had, and muddle through without drinking. It wasn't (and won't be in the future) easy to do, but it must be done. A return to drinking will take an emotionally devastating situation to complete obliteration of all that is me.
I think that when really devastating things happen, the natural inclination is to somehow, by any means, escape that feeling of devastation. Drinking will do that, for bits at a time, but the devastation remains until it is worked through. Drinking does not allow working through, so the nasty feelings remain. Only by going through the pain, even if it meant the fetal position crying, was I able to get through to the other side.
My mindset now is that it is likely there will be things that upend me in life, because that is the nature of life, but no matter what drinking will never be an option. Those times will come, and often unexpectedly. I cannot predict what life will bring, but I can make sure with certainty that drinking in response to them will not happen. Life's events are not always within my control, but whether or not I put alcohol in my body is 100% within my control.
I'm glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 437
Hello, Sober,
Thank you so much for this. I've copied out your post to print and keep.
I think now somehow the devastation of the moment is temporary, but the devastation of alcohol is certainly forever.
If, G-d forbid, something like this ever happens again, I need to know to somehow just "go in the bunker" and wait it out. And not run for booze, which I did.
Thank you again, Sober.
B.
Thank you so much for this. I've copied out your post to print and keep.
I think now somehow the devastation of the moment is temporary, but the devastation of alcohol is certainly forever.
If, G-d forbid, something like this ever happens again, I need to know to somehow just "go in the bunker" and wait it out. And not run for booze, which I did.
Thank you again, Sober.
B.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
