Cocteau

I'm a married, middle-class guy in his mid 40s. By most measures, I'm very successful - but I've had a drinking problem since I was a teenager. Starting in my teens, any big social event or party with my friends involved getting drunk, and I learned to associate drinking with having fun; the two were inseparable. And to make my problem worse, I developed social anxiety in my late teens, so I didn't even want to socialize with people without drinking.

I've quit many times, and was sober for the past 20 months and doing well. One thing that I still struggled with though was being sober at business social events; I hoped it would get better over time but even 18 months later I still felt extremely awkward at these events, and at the end of the night I would feel humiliated inside. So a couple months ago I tried having a couple drinks when out for a business dinner, and it seemed to be ok. So as future situations arose at work, I did the same thing, having a couple beers, and it seemed to be ok.

On Friday, I went out with my coworkers at lunch and had two beers (a common thing for people at my work, especially on a Friday). After we got back, one of the them invited me out for a few drinks after work, so I had another 3-4 beers. On my way home, I thought I’d stop to get some wine to have with my wife for a romantic evening, and at the check-out counter for no good reason I also got a pint of whisky since I had some old vermouth at home from before.

After that, I only remember some fragments of what happened, and from what my wife has told me, those fragments don’t even seem entirely accurate.

Apparently, I got very angry when she began questioning me about drinking (she had known and was ok with the past few times I had a couple drinks at work, but could tell I was drunk this time). Things escalated from there, and I turned into a raging lunatic. I yelled and screamed at her in front of our daughter, I broke the headboard on our bed, I smashed a glass, she called my mom over whom I also yelled at, etc.

The next morning, I only remember 3-4 small little fragments of the events.

I’ve been trying so darn hard to be a better person, to be a good person. I work hard to provide for my family, I'm good to the people in my life, I work to continually develop a close relationship with God and encourage the same for my family, I go to church every week, I spend 20 minutes twice a day in prayer and mediation, I read books on spirituality and self-help, I eat healthy & exercise, I take care of my health, I save a lot for my daughter’s college and mine and my wife's retirement, I work hard to get ahead in my career to better provide and save, I try to get over my personal fears and shortcomings (anxiety attacks, social phobia, fear of public speaking, depression), and on and on. Sure, there are aspects of me that are selfish, sure I can be cranky at times. But even those or any other bad trait or flaw I see in myself, I try to fix it.

And then this happens, showing me that despite all my hard work to be a better person, there is still some angry, hateful, evil, demon inside of me.

When I started to drink again at work situations, it wasn’t so that I would “feel good” or “get high”; it was just to avoid the suffering that I was feeling in those situations, and then it all backfired, leading to this time when I took it too far - and all the bad in me came out in an unconscious rage.

Obviously I’m not going to drink again, and I’ll just have to tolerate the social pain in those work situation. But I don’t know what else to do, what more I can do that I haven’t been doing or have tried to do. It’s scary and loathsome that such an ugly beast exists inside of me, despite all my best efforts. I don’t know how to ever make it up to everyone in my family - my wife, my daughter, my mother.

I’ll try to pick up the pieces once more, but maybe nothing I can do will ever be good enough.

Cocteau

Michael66

I'm sorry about that Cocteau. Sounds like you had a painful lesson that, like a lot of us, you simply can't go back a hope to be able to just keep to moderate drinking.

How are things at home now. Can you patch things up?

sugarbear1

I used alcohol for social situations, too, along with using it to feel okay in my own skin. It worked until it didn't work anymore (for me) and I needed a new solution to feeling okay in situations. I found it in the rooms of AA, but that is what worked for me. There are many ways to help us to stay stopped from self-sabotaging our lives through drinking.....

Glad you found SR!

Cocteau

My wife and I spoke some yesterday and today, and she agrees that I'm a great person, husband, and father 99% of the time - but one night like that can really create a lot of damage.

Kids are resilient, so hopefully my eight year old daughter will forget it in time. She's been acting normal last night and today.

I just hope this isn't a wound that time can't heal for my family.

sugarbear1

If you can stay stopped from drinking, there won't be anymore blow-outs!!

Michael66

That sounds pretty much as positive as it could be. Sounds like a good foundation to go forward. How do you feel about re-embracing complete sobriety?

daisy1

Do you have to attend these social gatherings ?

heartcore

No matter how much we transform, heal, and grow (& it is a lot of conscious work!), that 1% of "animal berserker rage" still hides deep in the being, I think.

I have only ever expressed rage when blackout drunk. The rest of the time I am a gentle & kind person.

The only thing we can do is not get blackout drunk, keeping that aspect of ourselves locked up securely (for the safety of others).

I too have relapsed, thinking I'd be ok. I never was. My alcoholism always snuck back in. It is a painful lesson. So sorry that happened to you!

Anna

I'm sorry for what happened and it's clear that you feel very disappointed in yourself. Try to remember that alcoholism isn't a character defect. As your wife reminded you, you are a good person. As long as you don't take that first drink, you will be okay.

madgirl

The social interaction required at work events can make me feel awkward and uncomfortable too.

You are ok just the way you are in your sober mind. I am too. We don't need to be the life of the party - good listeners in their right minds are always a beautiful addition to any gathering of humans.

Sounds like your wife and children love you and want you to be healthy and sane - thanks for your honesty today and good luck as you rebuild your sober life.

HTown

When I drink I do not make good decisions. Based on what you wrote, you do not either. You wanted a romantic evening with your wife. Never mind that she is hoping you stay sober and she would not appreciate the bottle of wine gesture. You heart was in the right place, but alcohol messes with our judgement. That's why people drink and drive. They think it is okay, but they are under the poor reasoning of alcohol.

I know you are a good person, that you are trying, but surely you must see that alcohol cannot be managed? It cannot be controlled and you cannot allow it to think for you.

Work situations are always difficult, we all want to fit in, but drinking is not an option for you any longer. Not an option for the man you and your family want and need you to be. A strong man puts his discomfort aside to be the man his family needs.

Cocteau

Thanks for all your kindness and encouragement. I'm 100% committed to never drinking again - even more so now, knowing there's no room for even a little relapse.

Yeah, the work thing is still gonna be tough. There are a fair number of events where my attendance is mandatory, and even more where it's 'highly recommended' by my manager and CIO. I've spoken to my manager many times about the reason I don't want to go, and though he's sympathetic, he still pushes me forward, "just come out for dinner and then you can leave early." And often, it'll be a week-long conference, with every night people hanging out and getting drunk under the guise of 'business meetings.'

I had a good talk with my daughter this morning, thoroughly apologizing and explaining what happened, and promising that I won't drink again. It was a good opportunity to also talk to her about the dangers of drugs and alcohol - and how I'm an example of what they can do to some people. We have lost two family members to drugs and alcohol, and I have a teenage nephew currently suffering from heroin addiction, but we don't speak about such things around my daughter. But maybe she's getting to the age to understand the devastation. My father was an alcoholic, and both of my grandfathers too. I hope she never has a problem with it, and when faced with situations as she grows up, I hope she makes the right choices.

HTown

Alcoholism runs in my family. Both sides. When my neices and nephews where in their 20s I told them honestly about our family. My parents do not drink at all because of their respective families. My daughter is not old enough yet for this conversation, but I will tell her too. I think there is a genetic component, and I think it is important to discuss it.

JoeCree

Im not a doctor.. but my MD perscribed me lorazapam for such situations. Ive taken this periodically over the past 10 years (more so since sobriety) and i find it very effective. If i take more than 1 mg i get too tired, so i only take 0.5mg.
Of course im cognizant of addiction, but seem to be in control so i am fine with it.

Maybe this is something u can talk to your doc about? Seeing as you do meditation and prayer, maybe it's time for a little medical help?

Cocteau

To be honest, I have tried this approach. My MD prescribes it for me for intense social anxiety situations, like public speaking (another situation I have to do more frequently than I wish) and I have used it sometimes in those social situations after work. It does help, though I try not to use it too much. I was thinking to myself earlier today maybe I need to try it again.

I imagine something like this could be controversial, but I've been taking it PRN for a long time and I don't abuse it; I never take enough to feel a high. But it along with a beta-blocker has enabled me to give frequent public presentations, though I've also tried natural approaches and am a member of Toastermasters to get weekly practice.

Dad23

Hey,

First off, you could have been writing my story. Career, family, 1+ year of sobriety, hard worker, responsible, etc. Thank you for sharing.

You got a hard lesson - but a good one. You're lucky.

I haven't relapsed and I won't - because I'm terrified of what happened to you - or worse. Let me elaborate.

You crashed as hard as you did because your physical tolerance for alcohol and reward circuits in your brain are "out of sync" now. Basically, your brain and the rest of your body have been recovering at different speeds. So now, your body is more healed and better able to deal with alcohol - but it still took A LOT for your brain to get the pleasure reward it sought.

This is what killed Amy Winehouse. She had been sober for quite a while, relapsed hard and basically poisoned herself to death in a couple of days.

So, as terrible as it was, you were lucky to learn this lesson as you did.

Nothing is as bad as the hell we had put ourselves through. No social situation, No job, No party, No pay check, is worth the price of drinking ever again.

Stay strong.

MissPerfumado

I feel for you. Obviously, it's now 100% clear you can never drink, in any situation.

But the work functions, I have to go to them too. They are almost mandatory. I cannot perform in my career without them, and I was also getting anxiety attending them early on. In early sobriety, that awkwardness of being the only person in the room with a glass of soda water in my hand - at times it made me feel like everyone was looking at me every time the waitperson came around.

I had to push through it. Coming on here (in my SR class of Dec '15) and talking about it helped immensely. It is now so much better that I don't even think about it. I was at the tennis last Saturday in a corporate box, and once again I was the only one drinking out of maybe 8 people. It doesn't make me feel awkward anymore. If anything, I feel a little bit proud and somewhat smug. By the end of the function, I guarantee no-one cares what YOU drank, they are trying to get their tipsy / merry / drunk butts home.

I don't have special advice. You have to push through it, Cocteau. Your family and your wellbeing, your health etc., are all on the line so these functions are just going to have to be part of the job you do. I'm a single woman, but I do tell myself to "man up" before these things.

All the best to you. I'm glad your wife is speaking to you and you are sorting it out.

ABetterWay1

Here's how you can do it: get back to being sober, and do it a day at a time. Keep doing that every day, live the right way, and over time, you will make things right. You did it for 20 months; you can do it again. It seems that alcohol brings out the demons, and that part of you isn't the sober you.

I'm about a decade younger than you, but we have a lot in common. I hope you join the January class, as suggested earlier, and find ways to stay sober for good.

ABW1

cc78

Your A good man for wanting to make it up to your family but the truth is that they just want you sober and healthy. That's our job as church going men, to take care of them first and be men of integrity. I can definitely relate to going long periods without drinking and then slipping up. I convinced myself a couple times that I could stop at 4 beers. It never has happened to my knowledge! Just gotta recognize those feelings and triggers and disarm them. Stay strong man!

Algorithm

Does this demon come out when you are sober? I would wager not.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and in high amounts, or with lowered tolerance, it will warp one's personality beyond recognition. It is almost like a regression to a feral state, in which one runs on direct biological voltage, with the Beast fully in control.

I know that you are familiar with AVRT, so you may want to read my response to flame11 in her thread. The Beast attacks your character, or borrows from what ails you, and then suggests only one medicine. Don't fall for this.

The Beast is revisionistic -

I can emphasize with your personality type, but lowered inhibitions are essentially a side effect of alcohol consumption. It works on some level, but it comes with a price.