Life
 

It's 3:30 am. I'm sitting on the couch thinking. My dogs are off schedule and keep looking at me like I'm crazy. They know we should all be in bed.

My drinking is a problem. I have so much going through my head. I always pretend to have it all together but in reality I don't. I don't have a life outside of this apartment because of drinking. My face book friends think the world of me. They're proud of me for following my heart and exploring life. They don't have a clue.

I pretend on here to be strong. I'm sure you all see right through it. Truth is I am weak. I'm broken and need fixed. I'm scared to "get fixed". What if life is just as empty as it is with alcohol?

What is the point of this post? I don't know. I'm hurting, scared and want to get better but I'm scared to get better.

Hi Sinderos.Don't be scared.You want to start on your sober journey,thats why you are here with us at SR.Keep posting as there is a wealth of support for you here.

I know that physically your life will improve without alcohol. Over time, your health will get better. This I can assure you. You will also have more money if you're not buying alcohol. For many, those are good reasons to stop drinking. Here's another- you won't have to pretend that your life is good, you'll have presence of mind (minus hangovers, not remembering etc) to make your life what you want and to have those adventures you talk about on FB! You'll still have to deal with the root causes of your drinking, but you'll be clear headed while doing it. Do you want to get sober? You can do it! Maybe write down specifically what you are afraid of? Let us know how we can help with some of those fears so you can get out of your apartment more! :grouphug:

Everybody gets scared. Life is scary. Gotta look for some solace along the way, friends and whatnot. At the worst, take solace in your dogs! Pets are often the best friends.

To be honest I'm scared of being sober. Scared my fake world will fall apart. I know it's not rational. I want to go to AA but that means potentially letting people I know find out I have a problem. I've put up a good front for a long time. I've isolated myself and only allow people in my life at a distance to hide my drinking.

Please try AA.And isolation is not good,physicaly or mentaly.Keep posting

Yep- isolating sucks. Perhaps a medical check up- an honest one, with AA/ SMART meetings. Keep posting- prayers, PJ.

Sinderos I think all of us have played the what if game.

You have hundreds of examples here of people who's lives became immeasurably better when they quit.

I understand your fear, but it's not such a wild leap into the unknown when so many of us have been there before and triumphed.

It means massive change - but that change is worth the effort many many times over :)

I really hope you decide to give recovery a try.

D

I think living a life behind masks is extremely common for active addicts. Its what we do. I'm pretty sure I learned this in childhood because being 'genuine' was completely alien in my family. To get 'attention' I had to 'be' what I thought my parents/family/school/friends wanted me to be. This may have worked in childhood but it did not work in adulthood. The only one I was fooling or hiding from was me.

I love this quote from David Stewart "Few people realize that sobriety is an action of insights and skills far beyond mere abstinence. Sobriety is a creative discipline in the art of freedom of growth, and of love. To be yourself is to become yourself". Notice the words action, discipline, freedom, growth and love. Pretty much the key elements of recovery. I would add willingness.

Excellent quote. "To be yourself is to become yourself." That is what I'm afraid of but yet want to embrace. Definitely something for me to really ponder.

"What if life is just as empty as it is with alcohol? "

Perhaps take a mental trip down through your past, however far back you have to go, until you encounter a You that was healthy, happy, and who took pleasure in the simplest things.

You might have to travel back to the age of 12, 11, 10, 9...

Maybe as far back as 5 or so, who knows?

But go back and find that happy you. Remember what it felt like to be alive.

Get a taste of that existence and try to introduce it to your current life.

For me alcohol is a road block to pretty much everything. Remove it and I'm free to become, and grow into, myself. I'm really good at creating me. Being what I think you want me to be, or what I believe I should be based on all kinds of external parameters.

I'm just beginning this process at only 5 months so I'm a work in progress. But I'm trying to figure out who I am. That starts with values. And getting shlit faced is not in the plan.

If your life--with alcohol--is empty, seems to me you have nothing to lose by seeking sobriety.

If your life, as it stands now, was great, I could understand the fear of, "What if being sober is terrible?"

But you sound miserable. How can sobriety be worse than how you are living now?

The answer? It can't be.

I found that the worst part of my addiction was not the deceit to others that came with trying to constantly present myself (on FB and otherwise) as someone who really had their crap together, but the deceit to myself that followed. I got to the point where I didn't care about my own truth, I only cared what others believed. As long as my SO didn't think I was an alcoholic, I wasn't (or so I convinced myself). Trust me, letting go of the addiction is fantastic, but ridding yourself of all of lies that you are forced to live with is even better. Life does get better without alcohol. Spend a couple of hours on this site and you will find thousands of examples; conversely, you won't find a single example of someone in real recovery looking back and wishing they never took these steps. Good luck!

Thank you all for your responses. They are all very helpful. I plan to save this thread so I can read it often.

This place is great. I'm glad you decided to reach out and post. You aren't alone and life is definitely scary in many aspects. Alcohol is a big crutch so naturally we all feel that resistance when trying to remove it. Going out of our comfort zones always creates a healthy resistance we have to push through until it becomes our comfort zone, right? Makes sense in my head, but the wording may sound weird to you :) I'm a trainer so I kind of relate it to that lol
I'm glad you've found some comfort in this thread.

Are you ready to embrace the chance of a new life? I think it can be scary at first because we all, to one extent or another, have had our lives shrunken down by alcohol, and it takes time to learn to grow and fill the time again.

Can you take the step of faith from contemplating sobriety to living it?

hows it going sinderos?

D