X users advice Please, Do meth users regret there cheating
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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X users advice Please, Do meth users regret there cheating
My husband 46, and I separated because of his drug use and I found out he was dealing and cheating with a 28yr old, after tossing him out, he drove me nuts asking for another chance so i told him if he ever wanted to even have any conversation with me, he had to stop seeing her and had till Nov to get clean, 90 days at least before i would talk about it, cause i wasn't talking to him with that crap in him.
I learned later, While apart he ran around with this same 28yr old cause she had a hook up, they buy in oz, of course by this time he had burnt all his, well they we staying together couch surfing, all the while my husband was telling me he hadn't seen her since i kicked him out and was begging me to let him come home, I said no and only if you get clean will we talk about it.
He never told me about her, and he was ask several times, he lied every time, i found out because she stole from the ppl they were staying with, they called here hunting for my husband who by then had finally left to get clean Oct.18 (YES! he pushed it) and was now 14 days clean. The gal called me hunting my husband, telling me the wife mind you, how hurt she, says he told her he loved her, they were going to stay together, she was the best thing that ever happen to him, couldn't live with out her, never made love to anyone else like they did, but then had a friend tell her to get out, he was going home, for her to get out. I waited 30 day to talk about this to him, he tells me to this day if he sees her he is RUNNING the other way cause she can get the dope!
He is now 90 days clean, moved 350 miles away, has a job and us a house so we can start clean, knowing no one. My question is to male recovering meth addicts, when he says to me he was addicted and would have done anything to get the dope but would never have did any of it if he wasn't hooked, that he used her, says he never stopped loving me, but needed dope, can i believe that, would an addict go that far,say all that for dope?
And If I can believe that, how can I, a mere mortal compare with their meth sex, do you always remember that great sex u had, or will sex with me be enough now?
I learned later, While apart he ran around with this same 28yr old cause she had a hook up, they buy in oz, of course by this time he had burnt all his, well they we staying together couch surfing, all the while my husband was telling me he hadn't seen her since i kicked him out and was begging me to let him come home, I said no and only if you get clean will we talk about it.
He never told me about her, and he was ask several times, he lied every time, i found out because she stole from the ppl they were staying with, they called here hunting for my husband who by then had finally left to get clean Oct.18 (YES! he pushed it) and was now 14 days clean. The gal called me hunting my husband, telling me the wife mind you, how hurt she, says he told her he loved her, they were going to stay together, she was the best thing that ever happen to him, couldn't live with out her, never made love to anyone else like they did, but then had a friend tell her to get out, he was going home, for her to get out. I waited 30 day to talk about this to him, he tells me to this day if he sees her he is RUNNING the other way cause she can get the dope!
He is now 90 days clean, moved 350 miles away, has a job and us a house so we can start clean, knowing no one. My question is to male recovering meth addicts, when he says to me he was addicted and would have done anything to get the dope but would never have did any of it if he wasn't hooked, that he used her, says he never stopped loving me, but needed dope, can i believe that, would an addict go that far,say all that for dope?
And If I can believe that, how can I, a mere mortal compare with their meth sex, do you always remember that great sex u had, or will sex with me be enough now?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Customm - welcome
I'm never been addicted to meth but I did a lot of stupid and selfish things as a drinker.
Cheating wasn't one of them but my drinking did end2 long term relationships and I certainly regretted my behaviour - but thats me.
Do you feel that your husband really wasn't to blame for all the things he did because he was high or wanted drugs?
D
I'm never been addicted to meth but I did a lot of stupid and selfish things as a drinker.
Cheating wasn't one of them but my drinking did end2 long term relationships and I certainly regretted my behaviour - but thats me.
Do you feel that your husband really wasn't to blame for all the things he did because he was high or wanted drugs?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here.
I believe that, yes, addicts can turn things around when the make continued and sustained efforts to work on their recovery. Most people in recovery have shame and remorse about actions that took while in active addiction.
Regards the sex? I think that only time can tell, but selfish sex is no comparison to sex in a loving relationship, so again, there is hope.
Have you sought out support for yourself in dealing with recovering from living with an addict? Al Anon or similar would be a good source if you were willing to reach out.
Wishing both you and your husband all the best for your respective recoveries and in rekindling the love, trust and affection that you seek.
BB
I believe that, yes, addicts can turn things around when the make continued and sustained efforts to work on their recovery. Most people in recovery have shame and remorse about actions that took while in active addiction.
Regards the sex? I think that only time can tell, but selfish sex is no comparison to sex in a loving relationship, so again, there is hope.
Have you sought out support for yourself in dealing with recovering from living with an addict? Al Anon or similar would be a good source if you were willing to reach out.
Wishing both you and your husband all the best for your respective recoveries and in rekindling the love, trust and affection that you seek.
BB
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 14
Thank You Dee 74 for replying, I do not feel it made him cheat, while i do feel the amounts he was doing did make him not care for crap, mostly its just that ever since meth entered our marriage the trust has been tested to say the least, normal ppl couldnt say and do all that unless they felt something for someone, or I couldn't, just trying to understand as much as I can before I try again, if I do, hard to trust him
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Do you want to stay with him and give him another chance? Or do you think it could have go e beyond that?
You do not have to do this? Regardless of what he wants. Regardless of what a stink he might kick up if you choose to walk away. That option is always there.
You say that AlAnon has helped. Do you have a sponsor and do 12-step work? If not, I'd suggest going that extra step into the program so that you can work through these things. Your husband hurt you deeply. But now, the thing that is hurting you most is the fear that keeps you replaying it over and over. While we keep one foot in our (justified) anger over past actions, and the other foot in our fear of future possible pain, we cannot heal. Healing never takes part in our past or future, because that's not where our power lies. The only power we have is in this moment, and what we can do or change to make things better right now. By doing the next best thing - however small and insignificant it might seem.
Wisdom: the ability to choose the action that will give you long term serenity (over short term gratification or ease ) and Humility serve us best. But they are both problematic in that theg are both so elusive. I sometimes feel like my 12-step work is almost like following a grail to find those things. It also helps me to deal with the fear of trusting. Because I am not reliant on trust in fallible humans, but trusting in my Higher Power.
If for now you have decided to give things (and him) another chance, then I suspect the next best thing you can do at any point would be...
(A) Things that help maintain healthy boundaries that you construct. The non-negotiable points in the relationship. Make them and stick to them.
(B) Things that nurture the kind of loving and close relationship which you both, presumably want. This will need a lot of acceptance on your part. You may feel that he doesn't 'deserve' love or forgiveness, but the thing is, love tends not to be about what people deserve. If they deserved it, it would be payment, not giving. And while we busily punish people for our old relationship, we keep that old damaged relationship alive, rather than focussing on the good that could potentially come from a renewed one.
(C) Build your support networks. This will make you strong. Strong enough to build the renewed relationship, if that's what happens. Or to go forward into a new life alone if you choose that, or if he breaks the boundaries that you set out.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
BB
PS you might find it fruitful to double post this thread in the Friends and Family area of the forum if you haven't already done so. There is a wealth of strength and wisdom to be drawn on from the lovely folk over there, many of whom will have faced the same challenges and predicaments that you have been through, are going through, and are likely to go through in the future.
You do not have to do this? Regardless of what he wants. Regardless of what a stink he might kick up if you choose to walk away. That option is always there.
You say that AlAnon has helped. Do you have a sponsor and do 12-step work? If not, I'd suggest going that extra step into the program so that you can work through these things. Your husband hurt you deeply. But now, the thing that is hurting you most is the fear that keeps you replaying it over and over. While we keep one foot in our (justified) anger over past actions, and the other foot in our fear of future possible pain, we cannot heal. Healing never takes part in our past or future, because that's not where our power lies. The only power we have is in this moment, and what we can do or change to make things better right now. By doing the next best thing - however small and insignificant it might seem.
Wisdom: the ability to choose the action that will give you long term serenity (over short term gratification or ease ) and Humility serve us best. But they are both problematic in that theg are both so elusive. I sometimes feel like my 12-step work is almost like following a grail to find those things. It also helps me to deal with the fear of trusting. Because I am not reliant on trust in fallible humans, but trusting in my Higher Power.
If for now you have decided to give things (and him) another chance, then I suspect the next best thing you can do at any point would be...
(A) Things that help maintain healthy boundaries that you construct. The non-negotiable points in the relationship. Make them and stick to them.
(B) Things that nurture the kind of loving and close relationship which you both, presumably want. This will need a lot of acceptance on your part. You may feel that he doesn't 'deserve' love or forgiveness, but the thing is, love tends not to be about what people deserve. If they deserved it, it would be payment, not giving. And while we busily punish people for our old relationship, we keep that old damaged relationship alive, rather than focussing on the good that could potentially come from a renewed one.
(C) Build your support networks. This will make you strong. Strong enough to build the renewed relationship, if that's what happens. Or to go forward into a new life alone if you choose that, or if he breaks the boundaries that you set out.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
BB
PS you might find it fruitful to double post this thread in the Friends and Family area of the forum if you haven't already done so. There is a wealth of strength and wisdom to be drawn on from the lovely folk over there, many of whom will have faced the same challenges and predicaments that you have been through, are going through, and are likely to go through in the future.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Berrybean, I realize I don't have to stay with him, his choices have destroyed all the trust before the gal came along, and its the trust I need to continue, this drug in him has the ability destroy all good and decent things, If i could feel that what he said was truth I would work through, because I do love him, but if this is just another con job, then I ain't in the mood for no more of that crap. I cant say I am innocent to effects of drugs, but fortunately for me I never became addicted, so don't know the extremes someone would go to get their fix, I of course know girls will trade "favors" for it, just wondering if men would also, just needed to know if any men would have went this far for dope.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Customm, at the end of the day, I think if I were you I'd be asking myself if I had the energy and the will to give him another chance knowing what has already happened and how misplaced my trust has been. I'm not saying your husband doesn't deserve a chance, but are you willing to put your life on hold and hope that he can get his s**t together enough for you to have a real relationship again? How much more time do you want to spend waiting for someone else to get their life together so you can live yours? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like a whole lot of anguish and trouble to go thru for a very slim shot at reward. Just me, tho. Wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Please just make sure that he has been HIV and Hep C tested before you are sexual with him again (heck, std tested fully). And make sure he shows you the results.
I hate to go there, but a using addict takes great risks and often doesn't follow through with testing until later in recovery because it is scary.
As to the "comparison" of sexuality - I agree that love makes sex sweeter & also note that he has chosen to move toward you.
Check out the friends & family section; great support there, & a lot of experience.
Ps. I'm a clean addict & most of my experiences during active addiction are just one giant blur, if I remember at all..
I hate to go there, but a using addict takes great risks and often doesn't follow through with testing until later in recovery because it is scary.
As to the "comparison" of sexuality - I agree that love makes sex sweeter & also note that he has chosen to move toward you.
Check out the friends & family section; great support there, & a lot of experience.
Ps. I'm a clean addict & most of my experiences during active addiction are just one giant blur, if I remember at all..
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. Hep C has a very low risk of sexual transmission, but it is possible & you can't decide how you choose to deal with it if you don't know someone has it.
Some treatment centers include testing for these as part of the program, some don't.
Some treatment centers include testing for these as part of the program, some don't.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I'm sorry for your situation, Customm. As others have said, I don't think you will ever find the answer to the question you are asking. As NewRomanMan said, it's really up to you now. Are you able to trust again and do the work required to make the marriage work for you? There is a Friends & Families forum on this board, too, which you might like to check out.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Perth Western Australia
Posts: 2,671
I am an ex drug user who has made soooo soooo many mistakes. I had a disgusting habit and I believe that you can make decisions based solely on addiction. You are almost possessed by your addiction, or I was.My habit was so high that i drained all the money from the sale of my home and obviously the rest is history.
I've now been clean from drugs for many years, but am also an alcoholic (replaced one addiction with another) All of my most shameful things lay from my drug past... I never cheated when i was using but I think i may have done if i was in a relationship at the time...
I don't really want to go into my story any further but I believe people can change, but it takes time. I don't want to be negative here but you could move to the middle of the desert and if you want to score you will.
My personal advice would make sure that you get some counselling and put yourself first here. I wish you every bit of luck in the world xx
I've now been clean from drugs for many years, but am also an alcoholic (replaced one addiction with another) All of my most shameful things lay from my drug past... I never cheated when i was using but I think i may have done if i was in a relationship at the time...
I don't really want to go into my story any further but I believe people can change, but it takes time. I don't want to be negative here but you could move to the middle of the desert and if you want to score you will.
My personal advice would make sure that you get some counselling and put yourself first here. I wish you every bit of luck in the world xx
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 14
Thank you Nic233, its funny u said that cause i was just talking with a friend telling them it really doesn't matter where he goes cause they can spot each other in 1 sec, where ever he goes there HE is, and it was up to him to handle, not me.
You did give me some insight as to how far they will stoop, I guess it as far as they need to, for a fix, it is after all an addiction, the two of them was up to a 1/2 oz a wk, just bat s**t crazy. As far as the gal goes, I threw him out after he was caught so he was free to do as he pleased, as was I and I did, really to be honest I didn't expect him to ever even try to get clean, so honestly never thought i would have to think about it, but it was his lying with an addict, its that pesky trust thing that has made this all so hard. I feel he cheated on me with the dope way before the gal came into the pic.
You did give me some insight as to how far they will stoop, I guess it as far as they need to, for a fix, it is after all an addiction, the two of them was up to a 1/2 oz a wk, just bat s**t crazy. As far as the gal goes, I threw him out after he was caught so he was free to do as he pleased, as was I and I did, really to be honest I didn't expect him to ever even try to get clean, so honestly never thought i would have to think about it, but it was his lying with an addict, its that pesky trust thing that has made this all so hard. I feel he cheated on me with the dope way before the gal came into the pic.
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