AARL

I love that everyone keeps saying figure out why you liked an alcoholic etc. THEY HAVE NO SHORTAGE of suitors! They hide a lot of their crazy! And what does working on myself mean b/c all I feel right now is rejected and replaced and it is hard to get out from under that.

sweetichick

Hey Aarl, I can understand your anger and hurt. I would be ropeable. I knew another guy who hooked up with someone out of rehab and it didn't last long and his girlfriend took him back. I just broke up with someone as well. Totally different situations but he was a narcissist. I feel hurt that he moved on so quick as well. The anger stage does pass. It just takes time.

Hawkeye13

This person has nothing to offer you but pain and betrayal.
The question to ask yourself is
Why do I settle for so little in a partner?

Bring the focus back to you--healing yourself, realizing you are worth
a worthy partner will attract one.

All else is not helpful to your recovery from this relationship.

"Working on yourself" for me was getting some therapy to understand
why I undervalued myself so much in my life.
Why I was attracted to fixing people with problems.
Why I allowed alcoholics to step over my boundary over and over
and felt guilty when I didn't accomodate them and their demands.

The biggest step was accepting that I had a major role in keeping a dysfunctional relationship going
years more than it should have was difficult, but when I honestly faced the truth
and talked it out with many tears and releasing boatloads of anger and sadness,
I began to heal and take care of myself as I should have all along.
That's what the journey was for me--trying to figure out "why"
he did that doesn't help you or him. Just keeps you stuck.

I wish you speedy healing and a wonderful relationship with someone
who truly loves and values you as you deserve.

AARL

I am back. So sounds like he and the girl he left me for are not really working out. This is my question. I truly believe this guy loves me-so not sure why he left me unless he was just afraid to commit at this time. He is almost 90 days sober and seems into the program this time, but does seem more self-centered than I remember. Does this go away? I don't mean self-centered as in treatment, I mean he is a bit arrogant. So why would a newly recovered alcoholic leave someone he loves?

Grymt

I've been that guy. Quite frankly you'd do yourself and him a favour by getting on with your own life. Grow without him. Have closure and move on. The women I have done that to have taught me more by becoming what they can be without me.

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I would feel hurt too in your shoes. He's an alcoholic, though and now you don't have to deal with his alcoholism, which will eventually feel like a blessing to you and you will have more PEACE in your life. Keep yourself busy, take really good care of yourself. You are worth it and you will heal. We know how hard this is. Take care....

Ariesagain

Codependents mourn, addicts replace.

He will be on to lucky woman #3 before you know it...although he might swing back your way long enough to get you hooked back in first. They do like to have a backup plan.

To quote an old song, what's love got to do with it? His actions don't match his mouth. If you keep hanging on because you believe he "loves" you despite him dumping you like a hot rock for rehab girl...then you're writing him the script for how to mistreat you for however long he's in your life.

To quote another old song, sha na na na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye. He's not worthy.

MsCooterBrown

These things suck.
I think the best we can do is look at this as a life lesson. I have been through this. Added perk for me was getting the hell beat out of me when he was in a drunken rage. I still harbor anger and it has been a few years back. We need to let go of this extra baggage. Stay sober. Look forward. Find out what role we play to attract this into our lives. THAT may never be answered. But it must be looked at. Peace to you.

OpioPhobe

What would give you this idea? His ACTIONS show that he doesn't care one iota about you.

I broke things off with my wife when I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. Then I got into a rehab romance about a week later. I left my wife because I had stopped loving her years ago, and had told her that repeatedly over time. So, I left my wife of 8 years for someone I knew for 3 weeks. It was a good thing for both of us because our marriage was destroying both of us. That is my personal experience on the other side of things.

As far as why someone would leave someone that they love, I have no idea. I don't think him leaving / staying has anything to do with alcoholism. I have never left anyone that I loved, and I am definitely an alcoholic and an addict. It sounds like he is full of **** and is trying to use you.

Just my 0.02

Ionlyhavetoday

Because that's what we do. We are, at our core, selfish and self-centered. We leave behind a path of wreckage in our wake wherever we go. And we don't change overnight because we simply put down the bottle.

I would strongly urge you, as has already been suggested, to go check out an Al-Anon meeting. A lot of the truth that you seek can be found in those rooms.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

fini

AARL,
the thing that jumped out at me is this: "I lost myself."
you used those words , and that's whatvi read from all your posts.
you are lost to yourself because you are invested in him in an obsessed way.
i get that it hurts, and yes, he did reject you callously. Clearly, he has neither sensitivity, nor maturity or care for others.
that seems to not preclude you wanting him back.

you lost yourself.

my best suggestion therefore would be to remedy that. so that you have yourself. not all invested in others.
get yourself back.

SnazzyDresser

That's rough, AARL. Some people are just selfish, bottom line. I'm sure you can do better than that jerk.

sweetichick

I can understand why you want him back. You still love him and now he's given up drinking the future looks bright and rosy. Just take a step back and try to see what others see. I was warned about my ex years ago and it's taken this long for me to see it for myself. Just think long and hard before you jump back in with him. Think of the pain he has already put you through. It will happen again people like him don't change

starstarstar

Might be because you're part of his past, where he wasn't at his best and he'd rather move on to his new life. Fresh start? New life, new love?

If you make it easy for him to come back to you won't you always be worried that it will happen again?

AARL

Not going back. I guess I just can't get past the rejection because I don't fully understand it. Also, I guess I am scared of the future and unknown of that for myself.

And yes, I go to Al Anon.

Love the response from person who said codependents mourn and addicts replace.