manama

I do well for a while. Keep busy with work and other distractions. Eventually a melancholia sets in, sometimes there's an upset but it's just my thoughts getting turned into an endless loop. There's no name for this feeling, discomfort? Boredom? Maybe I miss the oblivion and stop remembering the grief, disappointments, failures.

My body knows ,my gut starts to hurt when I think about whiskey. I buried two alcoholic brothers, they were very young. Right now I'm confident I could do a week, ten days easy. It's Jekyll and Hyde and some part of "I" knows I can't get started or I won't stop until I'm hurting too much to go get more booze.

So it's pretty much down to this, high functioning then barely breathing. Then I get super serious and take care of myself. I recover just barely. Only to fall on my face again. I don't want it anymore and I don't want to die like that I HATE my drinking. This is how I want to feel the next time .

columbus

"and some part of "I" knows I can't get started or I won't stop until I'm hurting too much to go get more booze. "

Latch onto *that* part, nourish it, strengthen it, until it becomes the biggest part of you.

Kyng

It sounds like we have the same problem! I'm stuck in a pattern of relapse and recovery as well, and believe me, I understand how painful it gets. Everytime we relapse, it becomes harder. I go through those feelings of guilt and hate quite often. But, we have two options right? Keep drinking and lose everything, or keep dusting yourself off. I choose the latter because my when I drink, my life is unmanageable.

Stay strong.

Delilah1

How many days have you been sober? Do you have a recovery plan in place? You will find a ton of support on this site.

manama

Delilah, I have been sober for an entire 25 hours. I had been on the wagon for 12 days and then an unexpected expense, a fight with my ex and I felt completely justified. Like, what am I worried about? I can quit pffft.

My only plan is to stay alive and try to keep my drinking binges at a polite distance from one another, so they won't fight

So I know I can't maintain. I don't want this crutch anymore. I want to really hate to drink. I have to convince myself that I hate it and never see it as an option.

What I've lacked are the voices in agreement with that idea ,until I started reading here. I'm coming back. Thank you

manama

I was trying to think of a time when I really wanted to drink but didn't. The only time it has happened in recent memory was when some serious crisis occurred and I had to hold off, meet my obligations.. and then!

I could not guzzle that whiskey fast enough. Pouring down my chin, on my shirt and I finally get a look at myself in the mirror right?
Yea I dimmed the lights.

I will get up and try again. What will I do with all my sober hours? Thank you

Gottalife

Guys, you sound a bit like what the detox nurses call frequent flyers, popping in every few months for another detox, usually worse than the last one. They have another thing in common. They all believe they don't need any outside help, that they can fix themselves, and they generally have no plan of action, other than perhaps next time they will control it better.

It is hard to call them relapsers because, other than the medical treatment for withdrawal, there is no recovery. On rare occasions one of them will join us, and get busy helping others. I have seen a couple of amazing recoveries like that. The ones that don't eventually stop coming to detox, because they are dead.

manama

Yea I'm a frequent flyer. Well put.

Mentium

Parachutes are available you know.

AnvilheadII

Maybe I miss the oblivion and stop remembering the grief, disappointments, failures.

if we allow ourselves to STAY in sobriety and to do the footwork and heavy lifting to face our past and make peace, we no longer have anything to hide from, we no longer WISH for oblivion. and if we do so in some type of a program with other recovering addicts/alcoholics, we learn our story is like THEIR stories, we weren't the worst of the worst, we aren't THE bad@ss, there isn't a competition. stuff happened and we dealt with it by drinking it away.

now we learn to just LIVE, simply, honestly, humbly.

Dee74

I understand you're kinda joking, but I understand the mindset behind the joke.

I think settling for the odd binge would be a mistake, honestly.

It kinda presupposes you have some kind of control over your drinking - that you can turn it on and off again - if thats so you're a different drinker to me.

Alcohol changed me - no matter how god my intent once I had that first drink, all bets were off. I had no idea how long the bender would be or where I'd end up.

Go for the gold - go for complete abstinence.

Sure a part of you will be uncomfortable with that - the addicted part - but you can do it. Even if you can't quite believe it of yourself just yet, take a look around - there's a lot of success stories here - and some of us were in a really bad way.

You can do this

D

manama

Hello, Anvilhead ll (sorry to hear about Anvilhead l, just tragic)

I like what you said and I know you speak the truth.

manama

"I understand you're kinda joking, but I understand the mindset behind the joke.

I think settling for the odd binge would be a mistake, honestly.

It kinda presupposes you have some kind of control over your drinking - that you can turn it on and off again - if thats so you're a different drinker to me."

So who gave you MY NUMBER? LOL

I know I can't drink no more and I don't want to die in a puky hospital gown. I'm here because I want to get back to being strong, effective and on a path. I'm finally convinced that I have no control.
My plan?

I need to think on that but I know my first stop will be here not discount liquors.