JasminJ

I lost my father about half a year ago. My childhood ended that day. I'm 23 now and I find it so hard to continue (not suicidal). I'm crying here a bottle of champagne and 2 bottles of Jägermeister in front of me, only one of them not empty. I tried to postpone moving alone as I was scared nobody would look after me, but at the same time that was what i craved for. My relationship with some of my family members got worse after my father passed away, I felt like I could not share information with them anymore. I felt like I was in their way. There has been only a handful of days I have been sober since. I must commit I have drank behind the wheel, but I do my best not to do that ever again. But it has helped! I do feel how it makes me feel better I drive around 2 h a day and I hate that time, because I'm all alone with my thoughts and wether I like it or not my thought often go to my situation...

hodor

I lost my father a few years back and I too drank even more heavily (along with drugs) after that. I found myself visiting his grave and wanting for him to be proud of me, but knowing full well I wasn't able to be the best I could be to myself and my family and feeling the guilt/shame/remorse that comes along with it.
A year on into recovery and I was able to visit his grave this time, feeling proud for myself, that I was taking positive steps in my life. I knew he would be looking down, and he would be proud too.
It can and will get better and if you need to stop drinking then you have reached the right place. I wish you all the best and please do reach out for help here if you need it, don't do it alone.

JasminJ

My work performance is very poor. I'm self employed and I'm thinking if it really is what I want to do, even tho together with a partner its going well. Its difficult to get up in the morning, and more difficult to get myself going. My father used to always tell me I should slow down as I wanted to do everything in the world. Now as ridiculous as it sounds, but even watching movies seems like too much effort.

Anna

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. And, I know how a death in a family can upset and shift the family dynamics. I'm sure you know your father would want to live a happy and sober life. That is the best thing you can do to honour him.

Just a suggestion for the two-hour daily drives - why not try to some audio books and get involved in a good story while you're driving? It might help to take your mind off things.

doggonecarl

A half a year is too short a time to expect the grief of your father's death to pass. But in order to process your loss normally, you really need to quit drinking.

Once sober you can look into grief counseling or the like.

Dee74

Hi Jasmin - welcome

Turning to alcohol seems like such an obvious thing...it numbs the pain, or at least that's what it promises....but the pain aways comes back.

When we drink over grief we reach for the bott;e at the first twinge of pain...we never give ourselves the chance to engage with and deal with that pain...and the wound remains red raw.

Dealing with loss is sad...and it's ok to be sad. That sadness is the first stage in living to live with loss.

It might seem like you'll never be able to handle that level of sadness, but you can. I found the fear of pain was much much greater than the pain itself - and I'm sure you'll find that too.

And.... you're not alone. This is a great place for support

The first stop in healing is to put the bottle down.
I really believe you can do this

D

JasminJ

Motivation is one of the biggest problem. On some of the days getting up feels like running a marathon, esp if I have had a bad evening drinking. When I need to go somewhere I'm thinking all the things I need to do before I can leave the apartment. Staying in bed is easy. I have very flexible work schedule which means that on some days I wont start until evening and then the day is over and everything continues. I have found a bit of help with tryptophan, helps to go to sleep and even if I don't get very many hours of sleep somehow makes me feel rested.

He was my biggest mentor, I just feel so lost. I always wanted to make him proud and now I just don't know what I want to do, everything just feels so pointless.

Delilah1

Hi Jasmin,

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Losing a parent is very difficult. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you are feeling? Have you considered counseling to help you deal with the grief?

I know alcohol seems like a good way to escape, the problem is the grief is still there when you sober up, and then you are dealing with the effects of the drinking in addition to the grief.

You will find lots of support on here.

Dee74

Grief counselling is definitely something I'd suggest Jasmin - but like I said upthread, drinking is not doing you any favours with this either.

To get out of the loop of grief I think you need to think seriously about what changes you can make, staring with the drinking.

We'll all be with you
D

JasminJ

I have been to the psychotherapist once. That was a massive step, but the whole time there I felt very uncomfortable. I know thats why they are there to listen to you, but I kept thinking "why am i here, I should not be here". For the similar reason I very rarely go to the doctor. I have not been able to work today at all, I have been thinking a lot if it is the kind of work I should be doing. Every week I'm struggling to show enough progress to the client. I feel very guilty, but yet it continues from week to week. Every month I struggle to provide my accountant the required documents, every time I feel bad for sending them too late, but it all repeats the next month. The way I'm thinking about these things change very often, like in a loop. There are times I'm more fine with my situation and others where it just feels too much. I don't know if I'm able to describe my situation to someone face to face, I'll just start crying. I have always been very open and shared everything with my good friends, but now I have locked myself in. I'm normal around others, like I have always been and maybe I even feel a bit more normal, but it takes an effort I'm very tired after and nothing is changed once back at home.

Hevyn

It's good to have you with us, Jasmin. I'm sorry for the pain you're in.

As others have said, drinking to numb the sadness seems like a way to cope, but it backfires. We don't move through the stages of grief the way we're meant to. We keep ourselves on hold and trapped in a damaging cycle. You have a long life stretching out before you. You can get past these bad days and heal from all you've been through. You can feel hope again. Better days lie ahead.

Sibirskaya

Hi Jasmin.

I have only now registered, but I know your pain well too much. I lost my father young and we had a very close relationship. It has been extremely hard ever since, but I just numbed myself with the easy way out.

Can't tell you how to deal with your loss - except that crying and talking about it is totally alright. Keep trying and talk to more people and don't be scared.

If you keep moving, you keep living, do it, I totally see that you can.
One day things will clear up.

Hugs

manama

Hi Jasmin , I'm sorry your father has died. My father died when I was in my early 20's. You describe some things that I felt at that time. You are very artful in the way you are expressing your situation.

canguy

JasminJ

Loosing a parent is hard at any age.....for you, way too young.

Maybe what you're doing isn't for you? It can be hard to accept. Some people love what they do despite not being particularly good at it. Other people kick along, not really loving it, but, hey, you know, its just what they do.

I was in the construction industry....pretty high level, for about 20 years. But I didn't love it. I drank against the stress of an endlessly adversarial workplace. It is a high pressure business, lots of money at stake in every encounter. I drank against a difficult brittle marriage with the trophy wife that ended in disaster.

And all I ever wanted to do was be a painter. I went to art school as a young guy....I can draw, painting not so great right now.

You are younger than me. Oldsters love handing out advice....it's boring...but maybe mine would this: follow your heart. Then you have the best chance of doing and growing in something you love. It's what your father would have wanted for you.

In the end I lost the job I didn't really love much at all. I was burnt out, pissed off, divorced and going home every night to an empty house full of alcohol.

Still do......but starting to paint again at last.

All the best Ms JasminJ