SmallAnon

Hello, new here... I've been doing coke on and off for a few years now. However, over the past few months, things have taken a really dark and scary turn. All of a sudden, I'm doing it alone, all night... At least a gram, sometimes more. This past week marks 4 nights and now I feel like a worthless person. I went to a 24 hour clinic today because I was worried I might be having a heart attack. I wasn't, but I was told how much havoc I was causing my body... Like I didn't already know. So completely embarrassing.... I'm losing a lot of my friends, my family lives far away and we aren't really in touch so they have no idea. I went to a friend's this morning after the clinic and told him how bad it's gotten... Now I'm sitting on his couch researching recovery options... But I don't want to burden him or bring him or my other friends into my problem. The only reason I told him is because I live alone and realized I did to much, and got worried for my own health.

I'm incredibly depressed and I'm really in need of some support. Please help

NewRomanMan

You're not alone. We're here with you. First thing is to stop doing the coke..if you need help doing it (and most of us can't do that kind of thing alone) you're going to need to reach out. If you have a friend you feel you can really trust, I would consider going to them and letting them know. They may be what you need to help you find the help you need. To heads are always better than one. Have someone help you find a good recovery program or rehab facility. You can do this. Many of us already have. Stay here on SR. We're here for you.

biminiblue

You need other people to get involved.

If I were you I'd go to an AA or NA meeting and find people who understand this. They will know about treatment centers in your area. There is a way out - your brain is telling you all kinds of substance-induced lies right now and one of the worst is that you don't want to burden anyone else. That hasn't been working, has it?

I don't know anything about detoxing from cocaine. What did the clinic tell you to do as far as mitigating withdrawal?

SmallAnon

I flushed the last of what I had when I started feeling ill, and deleted all the numbers and every text I had that mentions anything about cocaine. I'm at a friend's place now, they knew I used every once in awhile but were shocked to learn about how often it had become. We got in a huge fight the day after a binge last week and they had so much trouble understanding why I got so upset until I told them I had been high the whole night before and hadn't slept. Looking into recovery programs now, if anyone has any information in that regard it would be most helpful. I think online programs would be a good place to start, any ideas more than welcome.

SmallAnon

No, it hasn't been working, I just didn't want to seem like I wasn't in control, so I hid it for a very long time, until I started to even shock myself with how bad it's become. I told my friend and I'm not exactly sure how they feel, seems like mostly in shock and they feel really sad. I just don't want to make them feel sad.

NewRomanMan

Don't worry about your friends feeling sad. Feelings pass. True friends will be happy you reached out to them in honesty about your troubles. Do what you need to do to find the help you need. If you're not sure you can do it alone, ask your friends to help you. This is your life we're talking about. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but drug addiction and alcoholism are deadly serious business. Check around this site a little and you'll read things that will make your blood run cold.

biminiblue

I get it. I think the strongest, smartest, and most independent are those who suffer the longest because of that story we spin in our head.

Your friends probably don't have any experience dealing with this. Look up AA in your area and give the number a call. They will have info about help and free meetings where all you have to do is show up and you don't even have to talk at meetings.

People want to help. What did the clinic say about treatment or withdrawal? There is a way out.

SmallAnon

They are dead serious, absolutely. That's why I feel the need to reach out because I'm losing control of my own health and well being and I'm really angry with myself that I can't stop. I've always been such a self sufficient person so asking for help is really really hard.

bexxed

It all passes. I absolutely promise you. You can get through it and you have to, if you want to live. Stop now. Go to NA if you can, and kill all of your lies by telling the people who love you, so they can love you. For me the first month was surprisingly hard. I am so, so, so glad I don't touch that stuff anymore. You will be, too.

In Gratitude

B

SmallAnon

I'm looking up number and meeting now, although I'm not sure if I'm ready to go anywhere in person quite yet. I'm so ashamed of myself. The clinic didn't say anything about treatment they just told me I need to stop, heart damage, etc, told me I would come down eventually. So basically no help at all, then sent me on my way.

SmallAnon

Thank you for your kind words. I just feel like I've been a little hard to love lately, and have isolated most of the people around me. The toll my addiction has been taking on them is just now really hitting me. I'm worried they'll think I'm being over dramatic or just trying for their attention. But you're right, I can't do this alone and need them now more than ever.

DontRemember

No one will judge you at a meeting. They would not be at the meetings if they weren't addicts themselves. I too had a fear of being judged for my alcohol addiction. Not once. All you have to do is walk in the door. I'd suggest an 'open meeting' for your first one. It's just people sharing their story. They also have newcomer meetings, which might be good for you too.

SmallAnon

I guess it's less of a fear of being judged rather than just a general social anxiety that rears its ugly head whether I'm sober or not. I guess using has definitely made that anxiety much more prominent. I'm much more comfortable online. I like the idea of an open meeting where I didn't have to share, and just be able to listen. Just gotta get up my nerves a bit..

AnvilheadII

with coke, the physical bit is usually over in about three days. after that, it's the miserable MENTAL battle. be prepared for your head to tell you all sorts of things, how "just a little bit" is a good idea, how "it will be different THIS time".

it's good you ditched the contacts from your phone. don't be too surprised tho if you suddenly find you have THE most amazing recall for certain phone numbers. and remember THEY can still call YOU, so block numbers if you can.

get rid of anything in the house that was related to using, any of the whatnots. you'll want to change up your routine now.....time for NEW habits.

avoid drinking at all. you're having a couple beers or a cocktail and next thing ya know..........it's off to the races time again.

set yourself up for successful sobriety. you CAN do this. the beast won't go quietly, but it will go. my best to you on your journey!

Dee74

Welcome to SR smallanon

D

heartcore

There's not a strong physical withdrawal from coke, but you will feel altered for the next few days. Mostly you need to recover from the distorted sleep cycle, irregular food habits, etc. Your body is likely exhausted.

I had a similar cycle with it. Got to where I would just stay up all night, alone in my apartment, drinking beer and doing lines. I also got very frightened of the damage I was doing to my body, as well as the damage I did to a number of relationships - mostly through relentless texting in the middle of the night. (Gee, why wouldn't you want to date a woman who sent you 75 texts in the course of a single night?)

My experience is that I was able to quit without going to a rehab, although if you have insurance and can leave your life for 28 days, that's a great opportunity. I went to NA. Even though the name is "narcotics" anonymous, there are plenty of cocaine people there (at least in my city). It is fine to go to AA too, although in some parts of the country they are more strict about not discussing/sharing about drug use in meetings. Where I live now, there are lots of folks in AA who identify as being addicts and alcoholics.

The suggestion is to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I know that sounds CRAZY, but the idea is that it fills a lot of your time and - more importantly - 90 meetings gets you really involved with the people and over initial social anxieties. It also forces you to try a number of different meetings, and you figure out your favorites (every single meeting has a different feel, even ones in the same location but on different nights - because of the people that go there).

After that first three months, many folks tone down their meeting schedule, but some continue to attend every day.

People quit on their own, using other methods (there is a secular recovery forum here that outlines many of these approaches). For me, I needed the initial jump start of going to meetings. It made it feel more serious. I also started going to yoga regularly (as part of my healing). You can design any combination of supportive things you want - but stay busy and get out of the house, especially if that is where you mostly used.

And yes, alcohol will trigger the desire, so just go all the way and let that go too.

I found that I couldn't sleep, then I slept and slept, then I couldn't sleep. It took a long time to even out.

Hang in there. Coke is a powerful seductress. It will kill you. You have to redesign your life so it doesn't fit there anymore...

WhiskeyBent

Good post above here. Block numbers and keep leaning on your friends. They are your friends for a reason. They can handle it and you need it. Remember you are super blue right now. No dopamine left in that brain.... for now. Try to sleep and eat well.
Im cheering for you.

heartcore

Ps. Regarding brain chemistry. Science suggests that after heavy cocaine use it takes about 90 days for your brain to start producing its own chemical recipe again. Interesting coincidence, huh?

So that first 3 months is critical & often emotionally challenging. As whiskeybent mentioned, during this time you will likely feel a lack of "joy" often, because your synapses have become used to "joy bombardment."

Don't be tempted to use just because you feel "emotionally flat." The human body is an awesome machine & will adjust if you just give it the time it needs...

WhiskeyBent

Heartcore: Im interested in reading more about this science. 90 days is a long turn around time. Thanks for sharing the information.

Ustacallmelola

I had a cocaine addiction in the late 90's. My best friend's husband was the biggest dealer in the city. I got it for free plus money for storing for him. I'm lucky I didn't go to jail. He eventually did. You will too if you get busted. That **** is no joke.

Anyway, I woke up one day and realized I didn't want that life. I was in college trying to make something of my self. I had no family support. My mother was very clear that she was not going to be there for me. I found myself at a meeting and never looked back. I broke up with my best friend who called me drunk for months crying about how awful I was to abandon her. I was done. Meetings saved me back then and put me on a new path. I worked my program, had a sponsor, and was very active in service. It can be done. I'll never get near that drug again and no longer attend meetings. I don't need them anymore. That addiction is over. It can be done. I look back and can't believe I was actually in that place. I hope I can do the same about the alcohol in a few years.

Get off that **** now before you end up dead or in jail or smoking crack for a cheaper fix. I know people who have battled crack for 30 years. It's not worth it. Get drastic and do it now. If I can so can you.