sponsx

This is my first time posting here after reading a few articles related to my situation, and I wasn't quite sure where to make the post, since this is my first time I figured this would work. I apologize in advance, this will likely be pretty long as I have a lot to get off my chest..

I have been an addict to some extent my whole life, most likely stemming from trauma since I was a kid and PTSD from the army. At any rate, about 8 years ago I got out of the army, married, and began my alcohol addiction. It progressed over time, and I was never really able to show my wife who I was, very emotionally weak. As time went on, both of our drinking got worse and worse. We would argue when drinking and this got really bad as time went on. It came to the point where she told me I was verbally abusive, and of course I shrugged it off and told her she was crazy. I said some pretty hurtful things drunk, and it has affected the kids.

Somehow I was able to have a spiritual awakening and realize this is not right. I went to a 35 day rehab program and am doing much better. I've been sober for about 60 days now but my relationship and emotional status are in disaster. I found out the second day that I got back that there was an affair, and that she blames me for everything. Having grown emotionally I tried to show her the man I can be, loving, affectionate and patient. This has increased her resentment, that I could have been this person the whole time. There seems to be nothing I can do right at this point. She is still drinking, I try not to push her into anything knowing that it won't make a difference unless she makes the decision... I can only show her how much sobriety has changed me, and hope she catches on.

So now I am dealing with massive resentment, and the fact that she had an emotional affair which clearly isn't over. I can't help but snoop sometimes and I still find messages about how much they love each other and it devastates me.. On one hand I'm trying to show her the person I can be and the other I feel like I am dying inside. I find myself obsessing about it, every time she goes somewhere I'm sure its to see him. I've talked to her about it, asked that she cut off communication, and she refuses. She says they are just friends, regardless of the proof I have found. Also, every time I try to bring it up she throws everything about the past at me, and how everything is my fault and I need to give her space..

I'm seeing a therapist and his advice so far has been to stay positive, and give her implicit trust, but its killing me. She tells me I am being selfish and I only care about myself. I do love her very much, but the only reason I haven't left is the kids, who are 4 and 7. I don't want them to go through the pain of divorce, like I did. And even if I do leave, I would worry about them because she is still drinking a lot..

I've been really lost, not knowing what to do.. I feel like I am trapped in an emotional prison.. and its hard not to blame myself, I'm not proud of the mistakes that I've made but I've learned how to forgive myself..

Again, apologies for the length, I really don't have an outlet.. And honestly, the only thing in my life that makes sense right now is staying sober.. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Anna

Welcome and no apologies necessary.

Congratulations on 60 days sober! That's great! 60 days sober is a LOT, but try to remember that, in the scheme of things, it's still early days. I was very emotional in the first few months and it took awhile to see things clearly. You have changed and you know you have changed. For your wife, this may seem too soon for her to accept and believe the change. Patience was the hardest lesson I had to learn in the early days.

If your wife is an alcoholic, maybe she will follow your example. I'm glad you're talking to a therapist. Have you encouraged your wife to go to AlAnon?

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you, sponsx. I'm very sorry for all the painful things you've been through.

Please be patient with yourself as you continue to heal. I agree with Anna - I was very emotional in the first few months, with thoughts all over the place. Take care of yourself and try not to overthink things. Blaming yourself for everything serves no purpose. I was overwhelmed with guilt & remorse - it's very damaging & does nothing to help us or our loved ones. I'm glad you're here to talk things over with those who care.

least

Welcome to the family. My, you've got a lot on your plate. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I did for the first five years of my sobriety and am glad I did.

You can always count on support and understanding here.

sg1970

I feel your pain brother. What I did was just focused on recovery for awhile. I know it's hard but that's your number one priority right now. Get some good sober time and get centered. And quit snooping. I would say give it at least a year and really focus on your recovery. Don't make matters any worse by being a horse's rear. Don't hound her about it. Just focus on yourself. Unless of course it's a toxic environment for the kids.

I know it's hard but it worked out well in my case. I wanted a divorce when I sobered up but we are still together 2 1/2 years later. Regardless of where it ends up I am in a better place mentally to handle it now than if I had split at 60 days.

NewRomanMan

Hi Sponsx. I wish I had some really good advice for you, but I don't. I can only tell you what got me thru. My wife dropped the big D bomb on me and utterly destroyed me. I went into rehab 4 days later. When I got out 28 days later, things were status quo and she made it very clear there would be no reconciliation. I thought I was going to kill myself or lose my mind. Fortunatly, I found a great sponsor in AA and started spending quite a bit of time with him. I went to as many meetings as I could and went out of my way to meet as many people and make as many friends in AA as I possibly could those first 6 months. I did as much of the outside the rooms stuff that I could. Going out to eat, inviting people over for coffee, taking road trips to meetings, etc. It kept me sane and growing in recovery, and as best as was possible, kept the focus off of myself. I know it's not much, but it's only my 2 cents.

sponsx

I will try to take your advice, and focus on my recovery. I think its the best thing for the kids right now, and pray that things will get better. I will talk to the therapist about what I can do to stop obsessing over the affair. Its so overwhelming I can hardly focus on my work, let alone my recovery. I have suggested Al-Anon meetings, as well as celebrate recovery and even individual therapy. She is ok with therapy, and wants to talk to the priest at the catholic church and I'm trying not to push her too hard, and I think these are good steps. I just need to learn how to calm down and be patient.

Thank you everyone for your support. This is a great community and I'm glad I found it.

Freemeplease

My husband moved out a week ago while I was at work and I didn't have a clue. I was and still am devestated. I spoke to him once and he explained he could no longer deal with me drinking, drugging, gambling and staying out all night. I told him that he scared me strait and I know I was out of control. I asked if there was any chance of reconciliation when I get sober. He see it was possible but he wasn't coming back home at this time.

I have been obsessed with looking at his phone log. He won't return my calls or texts now. It was our anniversary yesterday so I thought for sure he would talk to me but nothing. I got so mad and sad, switching back and forth, while checking his phone log all day.

I have called to schedule an appointment with a therapist.