Debating on what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Debating on what to do
Been a little while sine my last post. I've been reaping he benefits of being sober as I just had my 8 month bday last week. It was great as my 7yr old daughter came to the meeting with my wife. She (daughter)was so happy as she knows my sponsor and a few of the guys I meet with. The person running the meeting asked her to come up and give me my month chip as they have bday meetings every Friday night. So he handed it to her and she gave it to me and a huge hug. Lit me up with such a warm feeling. I haven't sponsored anyone yet, but I do talk at the detox houses with my other AA friend. Promotions on the job, better relationship with the kids, feeling better about myself all around.
Now the not so good stuff. My wife and I have been fighting like crazy the last couple of days about things that were done while I was drinking/being a dry drunk. I try to understand and be sympathetic although she would say I'm not. My opinion there is only so much of the same question you can answer in so many different ways. A part of me knows this is the wreckage that I left behind and needs to be cleaned up. The other part of me is I need to go thru this as she went through things with me, but as she says she doesnt know if she will ever be able to trust me again. So there is that. Do I keep trying and trying not knowing the future or do we cut our losses. I really dont know. I dont handle this type of stuff like I used to. No drinking, not coming home, arrested etc. I try to explain and be patient and let me tell you its difficult. I'm going to talk to my sponsor, but my grandsponsor says when times like this arrive the best thing to do is talk to a new comer. Not that my porblems arent important, but it will give me a sense of calm and peace knowing I'm helping another person. Sigh I dont know. I want things to work out with us but I just dont know what else to do. We've done counseling together and that was a sh*t show. I go to therapy and have been for many years not just for addiction. She refuses to go to al-anon, therapy on her own. Its like im the only one trying to change or work on us.
Now the not so good stuff. My wife and I have been fighting like crazy the last couple of days about things that were done while I was drinking/being a dry drunk. I try to understand and be sympathetic although she would say I'm not. My opinion there is only so much of the same question you can answer in so many different ways. A part of me knows this is the wreckage that I left behind and needs to be cleaned up. The other part of me is I need to go thru this as she went through things with me, but as she says she doesnt know if she will ever be able to trust me again. So there is that. Do I keep trying and trying not knowing the future or do we cut our losses. I really dont know. I dont handle this type of stuff like I used to. No drinking, not coming home, arrested etc. I try to explain and be patient and let me tell you its difficult. I'm going to talk to my sponsor, but my grandsponsor says when times like this arrive the best thing to do is talk to a new comer. Not that my porblems arent important, but it will give me a sense of calm and peace knowing I'm helping another person. Sigh I dont know. I want things to work out with us but I just dont know what else to do. We've done counseling together and that was a sh*t show. I go to therapy and have been for many years not just for addiction. She refuses to go to al-anon, therapy on her own. Its like im the only one trying to change or work on us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 193
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time in your relationship. I've hit that point with my husband so many times. It's hard to know what's right...especially in our day of divorce left and right, it's like nobody's willing to try anymore. I know from my own experience that no matter how bad things get with him, I'd rather be fighting with him then be with anyone else. We've separated and dated other people more than once....I've found that every relationship has the capability of turning into a sh** show.
Problems at home are soooo hard because you can't really escape it....it's all in your face. I'm so happy to hear though that your child could be a part of all this with you!!! My son, too, is encouraging me to not drink....big slap in the face. You think it's not affecting them to see you drunk, but even if you're being civil...it's just not what a kid wants to see.
I'm glad you came on here and let it out. It's a huge relief. I understand the guilt of things done when drinking that you can't take back....and to have someone else remind you of it constantly is agonizing. For me, I always put myself through so much mental torture that I just couldn't handle anyone else making me feel any worse. My husband used to be a binge drinker too....so we kind of can't point the finger at each other because we both have our list of mistakes done while drinking. We just (usually) don't even go there because we'd be up all night comparing wrongs done to each other. I'm a little confused though, you said your wife refuses to go to AA? Is she trying to stop drinking too? or you just want her to go with you?
Problems at home are soooo hard because you can't really escape it....it's all in your face. I'm so happy to hear though that your child could be a part of all this with you!!! My son, too, is encouraging me to not drink....big slap in the face. You think it's not affecting them to see you drunk, but even if you're being civil...it's just not what a kid wants to see.
I'm glad you came on here and let it out. It's a huge relief. I understand the guilt of things done when drinking that you can't take back....and to have someone else remind you of it constantly is agonizing. For me, I always put myself through so much mental torture that I just couldn't handle anyone else making me feel any worse. My husband used to be a binge drinker too....so we kind of can't point the finger at each other because we both have our list of mistakes done while drinking. We just (usually) don't even go there because we'd be up all night comparing wrongs done to each other. I'm a little confused though, you said your wife refuses to go to AA? Is she trying to stop drinking too? or you just want her to go with you?
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hopefully she is just letting off lots of pent up anger and frustration now you are sober enough to hear and be affected by what she has to say. It sounds like she may be punishing you a little. I would hope actions speak louder than words and trust will just gradually be rebuilt as the sober time passes.
I hope it all settles down for you both soon, because it is sounding like you have the foundation for a great future.
I hope it all settles down for you both soon, because it is sounding like you have the foundation for a great future.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Congratulations on 8 months of recovery and the efforts you are putting into your sober life. I'm sorry that your wife doesn't want to go to therapy or AlAnon because without that, it's going to be difficult. There is a fine line between accepting and dealing with the messes you've made and thinking you may never be trusted again. I hope that the two of you are able to talk through this, however things work out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I appreciate your words. She's never had an issue drinking. Shes a normal person when it comes to that. I'm saying she wont go to Ala-non or any type of program. I know she doesnt have to, and its her choice to do so or not. I think maybe it would be good for her to a degree. I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past? It just doesnt get us anywhere. I've admitted my wrongs. I've tried to answer her questions to the best that I could as to why I did things that I did. Boils down to I was an unhappy, miserable, depressed person during all of that. That answer isnt good enough though, so I choose to say nothing which also isnt good enough. I'm just riding the wave at the moment.
Originally Posted by wildchild69 
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time in your relationship. I've hit that point with my husband so many times. It's hard to know what's right...especially in our day of divorce left and right, it's like nobody's willing to try anymore. I know from my own experience that no matter how bad things get with him, I'd rather be fighting with him then be with anyone else. We've separated and dated other people more than once....I've found that every relationship has the capability of turning into a sh** show.
Problems at home are soooo hard because you can't really escape it....it's all in your face. I'm so happy to hear though that your child could be a part of all this with you!!! My son, too, is encouraging me to not drink....big slap in the face. You think it's not affecting them to see you drunk, but even if you're being civil...it's just not what a kid wants to see.
I'm glad you came on here and let it out. It's a huge relief. I understand the guilt of things done when drinking that you can't take back....and to have someone else remind you of it constantly is agonizing. For me, I always put myself through so much mental torture that I just couldn't handle anyone else making me feel any worse. My husband used to be a binge drinker too....so we kind of can't point the finger at each other because we both have our list of mistakes done while drinking. We just (usually) don't even go there because we'd be up all night comparing wrongs done to each other. I'm a little confused though, you said your wife refuses to go to AA? Is she trying to stop drinking too? or you just want her to go with you?
Problems at home are soooo hard because you can't really escape it....it's all in your face. I'm so happy to hear though that your child could be a part of all this with you!!! My son, too, is encouraging me to not drink....big slap in the face. You think it's not affecting them to see you drunk, but even if you're being civil...it's just not what a kid wants to see.
I'm glad you came on here and let it out. It's a huge relief. I understand the guilt of things done when drinking that you can't take back....and to have someone else remind you of it constantly is agonizing. For me, I always put myself through so much mental torture that I just couldn't handle anyone else making me feel any worse. My husband used to be a binge drinker too....so we kind of can't point the finger at each other because we both have our list of mistakes done while drinking. We just (usually) don't even go there because we'd be up all night comparing wrongs done to each other. I'm a little confused though, you said your wife refuses to go to AA? Is she trying to stop drinking too? or you just want her to go with you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Thanks Anna! I hope so to. I'll give her every chance to deal with the pain I've caused. I'm not going to bail on her because its frustrating and annoying. I did so I'll deal with it. I dont like it of course, but I've learned there are things I dont have to like, but I've accepted it. One step at a time and one day at a time. All of the things I'm currently dealing with some good and some bad - This to shall pass.
Originally Posted by Anna
Congratulations on 8 months of recovery and the efforts you are putting into your sober life. I'm sorry that your wife doesn't want to go to therapy or AlAnon because without that, it's going to be difficult. There is a fine line between accepting and dealing with the messes you've made and thinking you may never be trusted again. I hope that the two of you are able to talk through this, however things work out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good on ya for 8 months!
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
If I dont engage in what shes asking me she takes it as I'm just avoiding it and not giving a f**k about her feelings in her words. So I listen. I try to be calm and stay calm. You're right I'm not going to be a doormat, but I do allow her to vent and get out her frustrations. Honestly its one thing after the next and it comes completely out of left field especially when you think things are finally turning a corner. My grandsponsor told me not to engage as you cant have an argument with someone if I'm not willing to argue. My wife's words "you just dont give a damn about my feelings, or anything I say. You dont give a sh*t about me because of my attitude and the vibes I give off". Im sorry but meeting other people expectations on how to react to a topic or situation is subjective. She doesnt want to hear that. Anyhow...I just try to go about my day as I have job interview at my place of work for another promotion. I'm currently focused on that at the moment.
I appreciate all of the feedback from everyone.
I appreciate all of the feedback from everyone.
Originally Posted by tomsteve
good on ya for 8 months!
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by getright15
I appreciate your words. She's never had an issue drinking. Shes a normal person when it comes to that. I'm saying she wont go to Ala-non or any type of program. I know she doesnt have to, and its her choice to do so or not. I think maybe it would be good for her to a degree. I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past? It just doesnt get us anywhere. I've admitted my wrongs. I've tried to answer her questions to the best that I could as to why I did things that I did. Boils down to I was an unhappy, miserable, depressed person during all of that. That answer isnt good enough though, so I choose to say nothing which also isnt good enough. I'm just riding the wave at the moment.
To give you some hope....when my husband was the problem drinker/user.....it took me a very very long time to finally forgive. In fact, I kind of just realized that we've recently gotten past a lot of that stuff from the past. I used to throw every crappy thing back up in his face every time we'd start fighting...or every time I felt he let me down...or didn't do what I wanted/needed, etc....
He used to tell me, "Always moving forward, I'm never going backwards again. I can't change any of that now, but I can continue to never do it again." ....and I'm no saint....I've had to say that too about some things I've done.
I hope this helps and I'm not rambling....but the point I'm getting at is I understand! Sometimes after repeatedly fighting, our words just can't communicate properly anymore for the time being in a relationship....sometimes it just happens over time....hopefully she'll eventually see how important it is for her to go with you.
If me and my husband can be where we are after 10 years of a WILD WILD roller coaster ride....there's hope for others too. Hang in there and keep coming back for support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 193
Also, to relieve some of your guilt.....you weren't YOU when you did all those things WASTED.... you were under the influence of a frighteningly powerful and, for some reason, LEGAL AND AVAILABLE drug. It alters everything about you....the things I regret doing drunk, I would NEVER DREAM of doing sober. NEVER. Scary thing the drink is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
She comes with me to AA meetings for support which I appreciate. I'm saying she doesnt work her own program in trying to move forward. Then I get the "I think its f**ked up you dont ever just say hey I want you to come with me to AA" instead I ask her if she wants to come. Amazing how words come across.
Thank you though...words of encouragement most definitely help!
Thank you though...words of encouragement most definitely help!
Originally Posted by wildchild69
I see.....thanks for clarifying. Not to make you feel more anger, but I totally agree she should try to go with you and I'm sorry she's not ready yet. One, for supporting your new life...and it's not like this just happened last week.....you've been doing this 8 months now, so I can understand wanting to be taken a little more seriously at this point. Two, because she can see that she's not the only one in HER position. Without forgiveness, where would ANY of us be? It could help her to finally deal with the emotions by seeing other couples getting through it, too.
To give you some hope....when my husband was the problem drinker/user.....it took me a very very long time to finally forgive. In fact, I kind of just realized that we've recently gotten past a lot of that stuff from the past. I used to throw every crappy thing back up in his face every time we'd start fighting...or every time I felt he let me down...or didn't do what I wanted/needed, etc....
He used to tell me, "Always moving forward, I'm never going backwards again. I can't change any of that now, but I can continue to never do it again." ....and I'm no saint....I've had to say that too about some things I've done.
I hope this helps and I'm not rambling....but the point I'm getting at is I understand! Sometimes after repeatedly fighting, our words just can't communicate properly anymore for the time being in a relationship....sometimes it just happens over time....hopefully she'll eventually see how important it is for her to go with you.
If me and my husband can be where we are after 10 years of a WILD WILD roller coaster ride....there's hope for others too. Hang in there and keep coming back for support.
To give you some hope....when my husband was the problem drinker/user.....it took me a very very long time to finally forgive. In fact, I kind of just realized that we've recently gotten past a lot of that stuff from the past. I used to throw every crappy thing back up in his face every time we'd start fighting...or every time I felt he let me down...or didn't do what I wanted/needed, etc....
He used to tell me, "Always moving forward, I'm never going backwards again. I can't change any of that now, but I can continue to never do it again." ....and I'm no saint....I've had to say that too about some things I've done.
I hope this helps and I'm not rambling....but the point I'm getting at is I understand! Sometimes after repeatedly fighting, our words just can't communicate properly anymore for the time being in a relationship....sometimes it just happens over time....hopefully she'll eventually see how important it is for her to go with you.
If me and my husband can be where we are after 10 years of a WILD WILD roller coaster ride....there's hope for others too. Hang in there and keep coming back for support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 242
Congratulations on 8 months sober! You don't have to answer but I do have a question, is your wife angry because you had an affair or one night stand while drinking? Some of the wording you use about her questioning you, etc. sounded like that might be the case. Affairs can take years to get over. Transparency is key. It doesn't give her a right to beat you up and demean you though. I apologize if I am way off base.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Sometimes there is no fixing a damaged relationship & the kindest thing we can do is to transform it into friendship/co-parenting & do that with profound grace.
Sometimes it is worth it to (just once) humble ourselves & fall to our knees with their hand in ours & say the love words that might fix things or might make us look foolish.
There's no need to fight, to rehash, to tie yourselves up in pain webs.
Do you want to keep her, will you give your best and all? Tell her so. If that's not enough, offer the living gift of a committed, dignified & loving friendship & then do that best.
I was married for nine years to my husband. We have co-parented for 29 years now, with love & mutual respect. If I had to choose which aspect of our shared experience has more meaning, I would choose the latter. It is not less. It has been an awesome journey to share! I would wish to have shared it with no other human being...
The relationship was done, but one of the most graceful decisions of my life was to accept that & to propose a different relationship with this being I so loved.
He ended up (through marriages, losses, joys,& sorrows on both sides) being one of my very best friends in the world, & I his...
There are many many versions of love!
Sometimes it is worth it to (just once) humble ourselves & fall to our knees with their hand in ours & say the love words that might fix things or might make us look foolish.
There's no need to fight, to rehash, to tie yourselves up in pain webs.
Do you want to keep her, will you give your best and all? Tell her so. If that's not enough, offer the living gift of a committed, dignified & loving friendship & then do that best.
I was married for nine years to my husband. We have co-parented for 29 years now, with love & mutual respect. If I had to choose which aspect of our shared experience has more meaning, I would choose the latter. It is not less. It has been an awesome journey to share! I would wish to have shared it with no other human being...
The relationship was done, but one of the most graceful decisions of my life was to accept that & to propose a different relationship with this being I so loved.
He ended up (through marriages, losses, joys,& sorrows on both sides) being one of my very best friends in the world, & I his...
There are many many versions of love!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Hey Tom....
I had to go back and read what you wrote to me again. It's very close an familiar to what my grandsponsor says about not engaging in those types of discussions. Trust me it doesnt get any better when I don't either, but not doing it at all would probably be the best route.
I had to go back and read what you wrote to me again. It's very close an familiar to what my grandsponsor says about not engaging in those types of discussions. Trust me it doesnt get any better when I don't either, but not doing it at all would probably be the best route.
Originally Posted by tomsteve
good on ya for 8 months!
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
"I just feel I'm at the point of why are we constantly talking about the past?'
we are allowed to put up boundaries and the talk doesn't keep happening if you don't engage.
ive had my past thrown in my face. I used to allow it to happen over and over.talked to my sponsor about it:
" yup, you sure were I sick SOB back then. now its being brought up and youre falling into your old habits- feeling regret and thinking theres something you can do to help them get over their resentments. aint gonna happen because that's an inside job, and not inside you. yup, you did that stuff. put in a lot of footwork on finding causes and conditions, changing you, and made amends. ya don't have to be a doormat for the resentments others have. they can be brought up, but you don't have to respond- you don't have to allow the conversation about it to go further. ya don't have to grovel before anyone."
something im thinkin is lookin at why you keep engaging when the past is brought up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I can say that I wouldn't be willing to do that. We would be either together or not together. I just don't have that type of mindset to look at things as you described. My daughter means the world to me (bad ass and all lol). I'm trying to make it work since she's made it through all of my bs over the years. It wouldn't be right for me to jump **** and call it a day. So I'm dealing with it and weathering the storm at the moment.
Originally Posted by heartcore
Sometimes there is no fixing a damaged relationship & the kindest thing we can do is to transform it into friendship/co-parenting & do that with profound grace.
Sometimes it is worth it to (just once) humble ourselves & fall to our knees with their hand in ours & say the love words that might fix things or might make us look foolish.
There's no need to fight, to rehash, to tie yourselves up in pain webs.
Do you want to keep her, will you give your best and all? Tell her so. If that's not enough, offer the living gift of a committed, dignified & loving friendship & then do that best.
I was married for nine years to my husband. We have co-parented for 29 years now, with love & mutual respect. If I had to choose which aspect of our shared experience has more meaning, I would choose the latter. It is not less. It has been an awesome journey to share! I would wish to have shared it with no other human being...
The relationship was done, but one of the most graceful decisions of my life was to accept that & to propose a different relationship with this being I so loved.
He ended up (through marriages, losses, joys,& sorrows on both sides) being one of my very best friends in the world, & I his...
There are many many versions of love!
Sometimes it is worth it to (just once) humble ourselves & fall to our knees with their hand in ours & say the love words that might fix things or might make us look foolish.
There's no need to fight, to rehash, to tie yourselves up in pain webs.
Do you want to keep her, will you give your best and all? Tell her so. If that's not enough, offer the living gift of a committed, dignified & loving friendship & then do that best.
I was married for nine years to my husband. We have co-parented for 29 years now, with love & mutual respect. If I had to choose which aspect of our shared experience has more meaning, I would choose the latter. It is not less. It has been an awesome journey to share! I would wish to have shared it with no other human being...
The relationship was done, but one of the most graceful decisions of my life was to accept that & to propose a different relationship with this being I so loved.
He ended up (through marriages, losses, joys,& sorrows on both sides) being one of my very best friends in the world, & I his...
There are many many versions of love!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I really don't want to go into detail about all of that, but I'll say you're not far off base. Not an affair at all. I'prepped for how things can go either way. I'd like them to work out between us, but I can't force it.
Originally Posted by AlaskaGirl
Congratulations on 8 months sober! You don't have to answer but I do have a question, is your wife angry because you had an affair or one night stand while drinking? Some of the wording you use about her questioning you, etc. sounded like that might be the case. Affairs can take years to get over. Transparency is key. It doesn't give her a right to beat you up and demean you though. I apologize if I am way off base.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I am at a loss to offer relationship advice. What you should do is between you your partner, and God. I did wonder though if, when making your amends, you have asked her what she wants you to do to make good the harm. If you have asked her, and done what she asked, I don't see what else you can do other than continue to demonstrate the spiritual life through your actions.
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