Berrybean

This is something that took me quite a while to manage. Obviously, when it was in my head arguing away, trying to get me to 'just have one', or open another door into past obsessive and compulsive behaviours that were damaging, recognising that those thoughts aren't ones to listen to is quite important.

Anyway. Once I realised how I could recognise it, it seemed if anything quite simple....

1) it will be telling me that drinking is a good idea, and usually hinting that moderation is a completely reasonable aim (tsk tsk, such lies!!)

2) it 'feels' like a sulky adolescent (probably the same age I was when I started drinking for social comfort and the kick of oblivion, along with other dangerous, secretive and socially suicidal behaviour that I got a big buzz from for years). I catch it thinking and saying things like "why should I...", "I don't wanna....", "Whatever.", and "Laa-laa-laa-ing " and advice or sound thinking that contradicts getting or doing what it wants.

3) it hates responsibility. It will encourage lack of general self care. Sleep, showering, healthy food, going to the doctors, listening to good council, etc. It poo-poos all those things, and if I start listening then soon I'm in HALT-Hell, and in danger of getting stuck in a strong negative vortex. It will also encourage me to brush off other responsibilities (work, homework, fulfilling duties and obligations ) and has little regard for how stressful and worrying the repercussions of this will be.


I have done some Inner Child work as part of my recovery, and while I have grown to feel some affection for my younger child self, my adolescent self still causes me some difficulty. It's hard to feel any love or compassion for it when it still stomps around my head at times, making its demands and generally being a pain in the arse. But, the less I listen to it, then gradually the quieter it becomes. As with most adolescent, arguing with it is futile. It has no respect for reason or boundaries, so it just becomes a slanging match. I find a gentle laugh at its antics (even if I don't feel like it ) and "ohhhh shhush" works best. And as it becomes gradually quieter, I suspect that I will come to a place of compassion for my past self. Some things just can't be rushed. This recovery journey has many layers to explore.

So, just for today I will not be letting my AV tell me what to do. I shall be true to my adult self, and my adult self's values and moral code.

PhoenixJ

Well BB, the cat is out of the basket! Yep- I entirely agree with your narrative.
You have a good handle on stuff.

Dee74

Thanks very much for sharing that Berrybean - spot on in my opinion

D

Behappy1

Thank you for this! Very true! This makes things "easier" for me when I realized that their are two voices in my head. For years I hated myself and felt so very weak for not being able to quit. I could be fine all day long and then once it was towards the end of the day I'd be buying vodka. Two separate voices telling me two separate things. I would wake up the next day confused, mad, disgusted with myself. It wasn't I until I realized this that I could put down the hatred and put on my armor and fight the demon voice.

At times I was not able to do this or I didn't do this. The vodka gave that voice ammunition to become stronger.

It's a vicious cycle and one that is not easy to break.