zenmaster

I have been battling alcohol addiction for so many years now, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to start being open and honest with myself and my family. My battle began the day I took my first drink at 15 years old, and my habit has escalated over many years and continues to get worse. In March of 2015, the inevitable happened. I drove my car intoxicated, blacked out at the wheel, and plowed into a tree. I was arrested, put in jail for the night and went through the arduous and expensive DUI court process. I quit drinking for a month during that time and thought for sure I had this problem solved. Then, I took that first sip of alcohol, and the madness started again. Today, I am miserable with a hangover after last night's binge. It always begins the same way. I have a stressful day at work and feel "entitled" to a "few" beers. I always promise myself I will limit it to three or four. Before I know it, I have pounded down a 12 pack and pass out. I awake nearly every morning in absolute shame and promise myself I will get this under control. I am at a point where I have no choice. I am in my 40's and just returned to college to continue my education. I already have three assignments due within days and I have barely started. It is still morning as I write this and I am drinking a few beers just to ease the hangover symptoms. I know that this is just exacerbating the problem. Wow ... how do I even function? I haven't missed a day of work in a year, I was recently promoted to management, and have been successful in nearly everything I do. On my way to work in the morning, I have, on occasion, had to stop on the side of the road and vomit. During lunch breaks, I frequently drink a few pints of beer in my car before returning to work. I guess you could call me a "functional alcoholic", if there is such a thing. I keep telling myself I don't have time for AA - well, that is BS. I seem to have plenty of time to sit in front of my laptop or TV for hours and pound down drink after drink until I am comatose. I have no f'ing excuse anymore.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I am going to die like this. I almost lost everything when I drove drunk and wrecked my car. I didn't care if I died that night, by my God, I could have killed an innocent person. My next step is to find a local AA meeting and just go. I need to do this.

MLD51

You sound very much like me, a little over 2 years ago. Only I was on my 3rd DUI, and I ran into a parked car - not passed out, just distracted. I never drank during the day at work, but other than that, the level of misery and remorse you express is just like mine was. What got me to admit I was an alcoholic and got me to AA and treatment was the thought that I could have hurt or killed someone besides myself, and that terrified me. I didn't care much if I died or not, because I hated myself so much that I honestly thought the world might be better off without me.

Honesty is your first, very important step. When you go to AA, hopefully you'll find meetings that talk about honesty a lot, because without it, your other efforts will not amount to much. Welcome to your sobriety journey - I hope you find the kind of self-acceptance, peace, and serenity many of us here have found.

fgo

Welcome zenmaster,
You can do this, this is a great place to get started.

48heath

zenmaster,get to an AA meeting while you are feeling like this.

I put off going for years,bad idea.I haven't needed to drink since my first meeting.

Wishing you well,please update and let us know how you get on.

PhoenixJ

Me- 17 months ago- because of booze - I was clinically dead 3 times. Lost everything. Wife, sons, family, house, career, friends- everything from that moment. Do not let it get to that. See a doctor about detox. Go to AA. Get professional counselling. Keep ongoing support- try SMART. Do anything. Be HONEST with your family- do not lose them You need sobriety for yourself first- otherwise they will be gone. DO NOT DRINK.
Empathy, thanks, prayers and support to you. PJ

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

ChloeRose63

Welcome to SR! Glad you finally found us again! Good move to start posting. Keep it up you will get tons of support here!

columbus

"I always promise myself I will limit it to three or four. Before I know it, I have pounded down a 12 pack "

Drugs make you feel like a new man. The only problem is, the "new man" wants some too.

--George Carlin (roughly)



(The sober us will say 3 or 4, but the newly created 3 or 4 man says TWELVE!)



"I have, on occasion, had to stop on the side of the road and vomit. "

I learned early on to ALWAYS have a "puke cup" in the car.

Upstairs

Hola Zenmaster! I think I have seen you in the meeting room before! Sounds like what you are saying is you're slowly moving from being a functional alcoholic into a non-functioning alcoholic, so to speak. If you wish to quit, it'll always suck at the beginning and then get better and better. May as well get it over with as soon as you can. You can do this!

kel08

you sound a lot like me, I have in hindsight always had an issue with alcohol and knowing when to stop.Its just this last year the spiral started and I too started to drink through the hangovers. Now i have that feeling of utter shame and guilt that you say about mixed with a horrible feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. But on the positive, we are here. We aren't denying the issue and finding an excuse and rationalise what we are doing anymore. That has to be a good first step. I hope you can get something from being here and hope to see you on the boards and helps knowing there are others on here starting their journeys.take care

site1Q84

Welcome! Sounds just like how I used to be - definitely "functional", I did well at my job, but had a DUI and the 2 or 3 beers almost always turned in to 12 or more. oddly enough even the DUI didn't stop me. It did for a month or so and then I was right back at it. I never drove after drinking again, but that didn't stop me from drinking until I blacked out. Maybe not everyday, but at least a few times a week, and then it started getting to be more and more often before I sucked it up and came crying on these forums for help. Best thing I ever did.

I definitely recommend trying out every tool you can find - AA, Smart, therapy, this forum - anything that may help! See what works for you and stick with it.

Algorithm

Successful for now. Just like with your DUI, you may eventually get caught being under the influence at work. It has happened to others, and they don't always get a slap on the wrist. You may also receive another charge by drinking in your car.

You may want to look up what is known as "Actual Physical Control" in the context of DUI laws. You can be charged and convicted in many instances even if you are not actually 'driving' the vehicle.

site1Q84

I do recall something about this from my DUI. I know it varies state to state and CA is rather strict, but you can be charged with a DUI here if you've already been charged with one previously and you're under the influence and in a motor vehicle, driving or not. Or at least that's what I was told - I'm no lawyer but it scared me enough in a good way that I never touched alcohol anywhere but home for the rest of my drinking career! Sure wish it had scared me in to quitting, but oh well, I got there eventually on my own haha

thomas11

It sounds to me like you have a pretty good understanding of your situation, and what your future looks like if you don't do something about your drinking. That's a great head start. You'll find tons of advice here, there is no magic bullet. Its through effort and determination that we stay sober. Wanting a better life for ourselves. Knowing we are worth it. And you are too.

Jim1958

You can do it. Try AA or an individual counselor. One on one counseling helped me. I was so far gone I was drinking beer for breakfast before work. If you have a drinking problem there are underlying problems. You will need to confront these. Once you do, you will make progress. If you fall down, get up again. You can make it. I have not had a drink in almost a year. The folks here on SR have all been there. Recovery can happen for you.

Silver11

Hi Zenmaster,
I really feel for you. Im almost exactly the same. started drinking in my teens and now im 40. Ive had near misses with the law as well.

Ive been reading a book called 'this naked mind' and its really been helping me. you should check it out.

I don't have many sober days (6) but im feeling better reading that book. Ive been to AA a few times, and even though Im not attending right now, I can say that being with and talking to other people with a shared goal is powerful. the last time I was at AA I had 70 sober days and that's unheard of for me!

You are not alone in this man. Forgive yourself, and take action.

Sending prayers

Mattq2

Zenmaster,
Your story is my story my friend. You know in the pit of your stomach where this path leads. Just as I did. I knew that I had to end the madness right now. There was no more middle ground or compromise. If I drank one more day I was going to loose everything in my life and die a drunk. I came here and starting posting. When ever I felt weak I came to SR and to the support I needed. It was hard as hell but I am doing it because I have to. You can do it, you have to and it starts with day one. We are here for you my friend you are not alone.

Dee74

Hi zenmaster
welcome back

I don't think it's ever too late to start on a chapter two - if I & hundreds of other people here can do it, you can too

D

K66

I hear you zen... My family and friends have basically cut me off... And here I am laying awake at 5:30am... Thinking that the liquor store opens at 10am.... I'm praying I have the strength to not go because I miss my family and I don't want to loose my boyfriend who is the love of my life... I'm thinking of looking for a local AA meeting tomorrow.... I have such a headache right now and can't sleep it off because I have no booze... And my diazepam has run out... I'm too scared to call my doctor because he's pretty judgmental... Or at least feels that way which is prob me projecting my own self gudgment and guilt so I can blame someone other than myself... My best friend just told me she's getting married and I'm not invited unless I'm sober... Ironic because she used to slip more booze into my mixed drinks when I wasn't looking so she would get more attention because now the life of the party was a waste case and she could get all the attention... Until my sister caught her.. But none the less I find myself in the liquor store vodka in hand hoping I don't do something stupid when in all reality I already am

K66

Judgment holy auto correct failure