Bunting23

Does anyone have insight about alcoholism and family secrets?

site1Q84

Could you elaborate a little more?

Are you the one keeping the secret? Do you think your family keeping a secret from you?

Anna

I think a lot of families have secrets about a lot of different things, and alcoholism is one of those secrets.

kgr103110

Coming from a long line of alcoholics on all sides... secrets play a central role in the abuse. The illusion of normalcy is necessary to fool ourselves into thinking no one has any idea what's going on.

I've also noticed that EVERYTHING that goes on within the family (at least mine) is very hush hush. The punishment for breaking that rule can be harsh... isolation, raging, violence, etc. As a child, you learn really quick that "outsiders" can never really be a part of what goes on behind closed doors. It can be terribly lonely.

That's my experience.

Bunting23

Good point, Anna, most families do keep secrets. Mine certainly has and alcoholism seems to intensify the need to keep secrets ( whatever the secret might be), especially if there is an image to maintain. Yes, I have kept those secrets and continue to.

I was raised by a loving, tortured, alcoholic mother and it has impacted my relationships with my sisters. Ultimately, what it comes to for us (in my opinion) is that we blame each other rather than the alcohol for the rift between us. I am just wondering about other's experiences.

site1Q84

Ahh, that makes sense.

My father apparently had a serious drinking problem that's never been talked about, although he's sober (mostly) these days. My sister was an addict as well for many years (drugs) but she's doing better these days. Also both of my great grandparents on my maternal side, and a great uncle all died from complications they suffered from years of alcoholism, yet I never really knew about any of these problems except for my sister. Also my mother has a very serious pill problem, but I doubt she'll ever get to the point where she will admit it.

Maybe if they hadn't kept it all so hush-hush I would have known what to look for. Maybe not. Who knows. I think, in general, the secret keeping in my family expanded to just never really talking, or facing problems, and just pretending like nothing was ever wrong. It definitely did a number on me, that's for sure!

CLAS

Unless I am seriously mistaken, I am the only one in my family with alcoholism. My father and mother drank some, but socially. Sister doesn't drink at all. I drank enough for all 4 of us. It was no secret that I was a heavy drinker, but they don't know about the depths of it.

kgr103110

Rifts between siblings is a multi-generational issue in my family. I can't speak for any generation other than my own, but I've found my siblings and I were very close as children and now have issues with one another as adults. It seems the older we get, the further we drift. And like you said, we blame one another instead of the root problem: Alcohol abuse.

One of my reasons for getting sober is to stop that cycle.

Bunting23

krg thank you! Ditto!

PhoenixJ

I focus on me- cannot change them.

Eddiebuckle

We don't keep secrets, our secrets keep us.

Bunting23

Thank you for the insight Pheonix and Eddie, it is sooo time for me to move on. The "holidays" have a tendency to remind me of things I want to fix, but can't.

thomas11

I could write a book. There are so many screwed up things in our family I wish I didn't know most of them. Suffice it to say, there are secrets and when someone has too much alcohol, some secrets are no longer secret.....and new secrets are created. Vicious.

Bunting23

Yes, Thomas, the lies are what most bother me, but I have to let go. Ultimately,we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Blaming my mother only works for so long. When we own our stuff, we are free!

Berrybean

Well,plenty of us seem to have come from disfunctionall backgrounds. Some abusive, some addiction, some that just seem to all pull in different directions and never showing love or affection. A wide range. Others seem to have had a fairly idyllic childhood. Also there's plenty of folk who come from disfunctionall homes and carry secrets about this without being alcoholic. So there's no hard and fast rule or link. But that doesn't invalidate any of our personal experiences.

I don't know if you've ever heard of CoDa. I found it very useful in starting to deal with issues from the past (family secrets and some elephants in the room). Their handbook especially kind of took my breath away with realising why I ended up thinking and acting certain ways,and helped me to start turning things around.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Notimetoloose

Serious problems like alcoholism were dealt with in our family by scapegoating someone else, catastrophizing something irrelevant and or the use of a lot of smoke and mirrors to divert from the real issues.
Talking about it was taboo and if ever hinted at it, it would be met with a barrage of cliches . Respect for elders, etc.. So, secrets without being secrets.

Ustacallmelola

I had to go no contact with my family for the sake of my mental health. I would tell people my story, but no one would be believe me. My mother is the ring leader and everyone else follows suit. There is so much dysfunction and sickness in my family, but by all outward appearances everything looks normal. I had recently told some cousins on my Dad's side and they did not believe me at first. It took their mother confirming my story.

My mother has trashed me and my reputation in an effort to discredit me so that no one would believe me. She and he sister have a whole lot to hide. I would like nothing better than to blow the bitch out of the water. The stress from being slandered and abused was a lot of the reason I drank. I gave that horror of a human too much power for too long.

Now I sit and wait and hope I get to live long enough to enjoy time on this earth when she is no longer a part of it. Part of my drive to get healthy is for that alone. She is a heavy smoker and addicted to aspirin. I would not think she will live to be very old.

Family secrets suck.