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So today is 75 days of sobriety for me, but I am really struggling with something.
So in the everyday world, if I don't like someone, then I simply avoid them or don't go around them, and eventually I just forget about them. As part of my spiritual program of recovery, I try and make sure that I don't talk bad about them to other people or retaliate in any way.
My inlaws, however, are a different situation. I really don't like my sister in law or step father in law, and my dislike of my mother in law waxes and wanes. I know several of my posts have mentioned this dislike, so please be patient with my new issue around this.
My husband and I both feel that if I was to avoid going to his family functions to avoid being around them, then that would have a negative impact on our marriage. Some marriages maybe do this, but it just would not work in ours.
I was recently bothered by some of the things said and done on Christmas by his sister, stepfather and mother, although I did not make a scene at the time nor did I talk to them about it after, as none of this would have helped. My husband, however, is aware of some of these things.
Anyways, here is my current struggle. Because these people are not vanishing from my experience because they are inlaws, I am growing to really dislike them to the point of hoping something bad happens to them. I really hate to admit this, but I will be honest and admit that I really would not care if they died. And now I feel so guilty and bad about having these thoughts, and it sucks because if these were random people, I simply would be avoiding them and forgetting about them. The fact that I cannot avoid them to save my marriage is causing more resentment due to more stuff happening, and now I am having these thoughts that I know are not good for my spiritual recovery.
Any ideas, thoughts or feedback? Thank You!
So in the everyday world, if I don't like someone, then I simply avoid them or don't go around them, and eventually I just forget about them. As part of my spiritual program of recovery, I try and make sure that I don't talk bad about them to other people or retaliate in any way.
My inlaws, however, are a different situation. I really don't like my sister in law or step father in law, and my dislike of my mother in law waxes and wanes. I know several of my posts have mentioned this dislike, so please be patient with my new issue around this.
My husband and I both feel that if I was to avoid going to his family functions to avoid being around them, then that would have a negative impact on our marriage. Some marriages maybe do this, but it just would not work in ours.
I was recently bothered by some of the things said and done on Christmas by his sister, stepfather and mother, although I did not make a scene at the time nor did I talk to them about it after, as none of this would have helped. My husband, however, is aware of some of these things.
Anyways, here is my current struggle. Because these people are not vanishing from my experience because they are inlaws, I am growing to really dislike them to the point of hoping something bad happens to them. I really hate to admit this, but I will be honest and admit that I really would not care if they died. And now I feel so guilty and bad about having these thoughts, and it sucks because if these were random people, I simply would be avoiding them and forgetting about them. The fact that I cannot avoid them to save my marriage is causing more resentment due to more stuff happening, and now I am having these thoughts that I know are not good for my spiritual recovery.
Any ideas, thoughts or feedback? Thank You!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
Possibly keep in mind that thoughts are just thoughts, not the totality of your being, however unpleasant they may appear on the surface. Don't feel guilty/run from them (which will only give them greater power over you), but perhaps just release them, observe them in a neutral manner, and see what you can learn about them.
Remember: you own your thoughts, they don't own you.
Remember: you own your thoughts, they don't own you.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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one of the tools of the program is to pray for those we resent ... even if we dont really mean it!
the book says that if we wish them well everyday for 2 weeks the resentment will be removed
easy to say not so easy to do
the book says that if we wish them well everyday for 2 weeks the resentment will be removed
easy to say not so easy to do
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If you do pray for them then that shows a 'will' of goodness towards them. I don't think you then have to feel guilty for finding them hard to deal with, or for not liking them.
There is a Buddhist tradition of prayer where you start wishing goodness on those close to you that you love, then you do the same on people who are more distant (such as work colleagues), then all people (or all creation generally) and then after that if you feel able to you wish goodness on those you feel naturally hostile to, but some days you may not choose to (and that is OK). I like that order and I think it naturally adapts to Christian prayer. They generally follow something like...
May X be free from all suffering.
May X be well.
May X be at peace.
May X be happy.
May X overcome all obstacles in their path.
There is a Buddhist tradition of prayer where you start wishing goodness on those close to you that you love, then you do the same on people who are more distant (such as work colleagues), then all people (or all creation generally) and then after that if you feel able to you wish goodness on those you feel naturally hostile to, but some days you may not choose to (and that is OK). I like that order and I think it naturally adapts to Christian prayer. They generally follow something like...
May X be free from all suffering.
May X be well.
May X be at peace.
May X be happy.
May X overcome all obstacles in their path.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
My husband and I both feel that if I was to avoid going to his family functions to avoid being around them, then that would have a negative impact on our marriage.
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Thank you all for your replies, which have been very helpful. After I read what someone posted about just observing my thoughts without necessarily trying to fix them, I decided to download an app last night on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which this technique reminded me of and may help me better with my thoughts and emotion regulation.
I am trying to utilize the AA technique of praying for them and wishing them well, which in time may help remove the resentment, but it is hard for me to do, but I will keep trying.
And thank you Anna for your post, which I do believe you touched on something important. The problem with my husband is that he still drinks, and so what happens at his family functions is that because he is basically lit on alcohol and pot, he is unable to fully be present for and with me when this stuff happens. When he was sober in the past for a period of time, there is no way that he would have allowed some of these comments and behaviors to happen, and I felt so much better, and his family had to be more on guard. So the problem is not only his family's behavior, but also him and his drinking. I was able to talk to him about a lot of this stuff when he was sober after Christmas, and he realizes that I am deeply affected and has promised to minimize our contact with them to just special occasions. For example, he left his leather coat up there on Christmas, and normally we would plan a day to go and get it and hang out, but now we have just told his mother we will just get it later when we celebrate his 40th birthday. Also, I will be declining the RSVP for his cousin's wedding shower by simply responding no. So I guess this is what is naturally happening since I don't feel comfortable around them. I guess I still have to figure out, however, how I can feel more comfortable when we eventually have to spend time with them. Maybe the app I downloaded teaching me DBT skills will help with this in the future with how to better manage my emotions when around them.
I am trying to utilize the AA technique of praying for them and wishing them well, which in time may help remove the resentment, but it is hard for me to do, but I will keep trying.
And thank you Anna for your post, which I do believe you touched on something important. The problem with my husband is that he still drinks, and so what happens at his family functions is that because he is basically lit on alcohol and pot, he is unable to fully be present for and with me when this stuff happens. When he was sober in the past for a period of time, there is no way that he would have allowed some of these comments and behaviors to happen, and I felt so much better, and his family had to be more on guard. So the problem is not only his family's behavior, but also him and his drinking. I was able to talk to him about a lot of this stuff when he was sober after Christmas, and he realizes that I am deeply affected and has promised to minimize our contact with them to just special occasions. For example, he left his leather coat up there on Christmas, and normally we would plan a day to go and get it and hang out, but now we have just told his mother we will just get it later when we celebrate his 40th birthday. Also, I will be declining the RSVP for his cousin's wedding shower by simply responding no. So I guess this is what is naturally happening since I don't feel comfortable around them. I guess I still have to figure out, however, how I can feel more comfortable when we eventually have to spend time with them. Maybe the app I downloaded teaching me DBT skills will help with this in the future with how to better manage my emotions when around them.
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Like columbus said, thoughts are just thoughts.
These negative and bad thoughts are just an offshoot of your anxiety over the situation.
I find that my mind comes up with all kinds of wacky thoughts when I am stressing over a situation.
Congrats on the big 75. I am at 77 days myself.
These negative and bad thoughts are just an offshoot of your anxiety over the situation.
I find that my mind comes up with all kinds of wacky thoughts when I am stressing over a situation.
Congrats on the big 75. I am at 77 days myself.
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Yes, you are right and that is what I read last night on my DBT app about thoughts and acceptance. It was explaining how various situations will trigger all different sorts of thoughts, and that it is important for me to just accept these thoughts as just thoughts and not part of who I am, and to then be aware of what emotions these thoughts are bringing up in me. And then for me to just observe these thoughts and not judge them or try and fix them, and that eventually they pass.
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You might find this interesting (from Richard Rohr's Center for Action and Contemplation website):
The following exercise is based on a teaching from Friar Francisco de Osuna, OFM (1492-1542), the spiritual “master” of Teresa of Ávila. Here is what he taught his students, in my words:
Dam up the fountain of your soul, where love is always springing forth.
It will be forced to rise.
Yet it will remain quiet and at rest within you; wait for that quiet.
You will see the image of God reflected in your own clear waters, more resplendent than in any other thing—provided the disturbing turmoil of thoughts dies down.
Below is a simple commentary and aid on this teaching, so that you can experience it for yourself. It is quite similar to what the Hindus discovered in tantra, where you hold the powerful gift so that it can be deepened and refined before being expressed.
Try to stay beneath your thoughts, neither fighting them nor thinking them. Hold yourself at a deeper level than your mind, perhaps in your chest, solar plexus, or breath; stay in your body self. Resist any desire to repress or express; allow animal contentment. It will feel like nothing or darkness. Stay “crouched” there at the cellular level without shame, long enough for Another Source to begin to flow and well up as light or joy.
This is the “super-essential life.” From this place you become seeing, and the love flows through you from the Source as an energy more than as an idea. You cannot “think” God. God is never an “object” of consciousness like any other thing, person, or event that you “know.” God is always and forever the subject, the doer, the initiator, “the Prevenient Grace.” You have then “become” what you hope to see. Subject and object are one. God in you and through you sees and loves God—in yourself and in others, too.
The following exercise is based on a teaching from Friar Francisco de Osuna, OFM (1492-1542), the spiritual “master” of Teresa of Ávila. Here is what he taught his students, in my words:
Dam up the fountain of your soul, where love is always springing forth.
It will be forced to rise.
Yet it will remain quiet and at rest within you; wait for that quiet.
You will see the image of God reflected in your own clear waters, more resplendent than in any other thing—provided the disturbing turmoil of thoughts dies down.
Below is a simple commentary and aid on this teaching, so that you can experience it for yourself. It is quite similar to what the Hindus discovered in tantra, where you hold the powerful gift so that it can be deepened and refined before being expressed.
Try to stay beneath your thoughts, neither fighting them nor thinking them. Hold yourself at a deeper level than your mind, perhaps in your chest, solar plexus, or breath; stay in your body self. Resist any desire to repress or express; allow animal contentment. It will feel like nothing or darkness. Stay “crouched” there at the cellular level without shame, long enough for Another Source to begin to flow and well up as light or joy.
This is the “super-essential life.” From this place you become seeing, and the love flows through you from the Source as an energy more than as an idea. You cannot “think” God. God is never an “object” of consciousness like any other thing, person, or event that you “know.” God is always and forever the subject, the doer, the initiator, “the Prevenient Grace.” You have then “become” what you hope to see. Subject and object are one. God in you and through you sees and loves God—in yourself and in others, too.
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I struggle with this on a different level. I think quite often if my X husband would just disappear how much easier and better life would be.
It's just a thought. It's not going to happen. It does not make me evil or horrible, it just means that I am stressed with the situation, and wish that I could avoid it, and doing so would mean he would have to disappear.
Since none of that will happen, I must find other ways to deal with the chaos that he and his wife bring to my children. I am working on that through other means.
Just know that having a thought, or lack of caring, does not make you evil or bad.
It's just a thought. It's not going to happen. It does not make me evil or horrible, it just means that I am stressed with the situation, and wish that I could avoid it, and doing so would mean he would have to disappear.
Since none of that will happen, I must find other ways to deal with the chaos that he and his wife bring to my children. I am working on that through other means.
Just know that having a thought, or lack of caring, does not make you evil or bad.
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In my very humble opinion, you owe it to your husband to at least make an effort to improve your relationship with his family, especially if it is important to him to maintain that relationship. Concomitantly, though, he owes it to you to put your happiness before that of his family and to take the steps necessary to give the relationship a chance to work, which almost certainly includes refraining from intoxication during these times. Just my $.02.
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Caveat to my previous post: If being around your husband's family is placing your sobriety at risk, then absolutely you should avoid them until you are certain that is no longer a risk! Congrats on 77 days!
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Originally Posted by Delilah1
Would your husband be willing to remain sober while visiting his family? Would that help lessen some of the anxiety you're feeling while there?
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Thank you all for the feedback, really helpful. I think what I have decided to do at 77 days is to just start fresh with his family from today, utilizing the techniques of compassion, prayer, thought observation, and my daily 10 step inventory that you all have suggested. I am just going to let go of a lot of the small things that were still bothering me from Christmas and be in the present from today. My next big function with his family will be my husband's 40th bday at a restaurant. My husband and I will be driving up with my parents, who were invited, so I am happy that my parents will be there and my husband drinks a lot less when my dad is present, which is a good thing. This all will be happening on Feb. 19th.
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