Pinked

I'm not sure this is the right group to post in.
I know I joined last year right around this time, with the idea that I wanted a sober life and I failed.
Alcohol has always been a part of my life growing up, parents, friends, etc...every function involved drinking.
So, it was no surprise that I started drinking in High School.
I really never felt it was a problem until the past 5 years.
Lots happened, after being married for 13 years, husband left, I had 2 teenage kids here.
I didn't really start drinking heavily until he left.
He had the boys every other week-end and after a few months, I decided to enjoy my week-ends alone, which included alcohol and bars.
I had a blast, great job, great friends....I could go weeks and not drink but the past 5 years things changed. My ex bf turned out to be a horrible alcoholic with a bad past that involved that. I found out my son was a heroin addict. My oldest son stopped talking to me because I enabled his brothers behavior an addiction.
I started drinking more and more. Not just the week-ends, but during the week after work.
My son relapsed over and over and I finally did the tough love thing and kicked him out. He then stopped talking to me as well.
I drank more and then found cocaine about 4 years ago, and with the beer and the coke, I felt I could handle all this ****.
I kicked my ex out, but we remained very, very close, but my sons didn't talk to me, I was working, partying all the time.
I drank all the time, but the coke was only every few months or so.
3 years ago I became really close friends with someone who spent her life doing coke. It was easy to get, sometimes free and since then, it hasn't stopped.
It got really bad about 2 years ago when my ex bf died. We had kept in touch and we still loved each other very much. It was devastating, but the beer and the coke helped.
I can't tell you the money I have spent on it and beer.
Everyday I want to drink and do lines.
I can't imagine a sober life. I can't image going somewhere and not drinking or having cocaine.
But, I want it. I want it more than anything.
I want to live my life without beer, or cocaine.
I want to "Feel" again and be the person I was.
I'm typing this while a beer is on my desk and lines on a plate.
I'm scared to start..I don't know how.
I quit smoking 16 years ago with the help of a support group like this.
I just stopped smoking and I told myself everyday, just don't smoke.
I grieved and cried and changed my whole life for months in order to not put myself in the position of wanting to smoke.
So, I KNOW I can kick a habit, if I want it bad enough.
I just found out my brother has 159 days sober.
I want that.
If this is the wrong place to post this, please let me know.
And please guide me, help me
I

least

You're not really lost, you've got us on your side.

If you want it bad enough, sobriety can be yours, but it takes some effort and making changes.

Pinked

Which forum would be best for me to post in since my DOC's are both alcohol and cocaine?

tomsteve

i think youre in the right place and very glad ya made it back!
scared to start-fear of the unknown(what life clean and sober would be like) was pretty strong within me after my last drunk.i drank/drugged for quite a fews years. drunk/high was my normal,although it was really insane.
fear of the known, what life with alcohol and/or drugs still in it, would be like gave me the courage to walk into AA.
after a while, i realized all them years i wasnt living, just existing.
and today im living.
all started with courage to get into action.

Pinked

Thank you.
I don't what I will do with my time if I'm not drinking or drugging.
And I'm embarrassed to go to an NA meeting in case someone knows me and I'm not very religious

FarToGo

Any chance of asking your brother for a bit of support? Sounds like he's doing well.
Your life sounds pretty tough and complex right now, a focus on getting sober and clean will only lead to better times for you.
I wish you strength.
Xx

Unwound

Keep it really simple: Just get through today without using, then try to get through the next one. It sounds almost partonisingly simple, but it worked for me. Thinking about the bigger picture just makes it seem to hard, just concentrate on the simple goal of today and you can do it.

Pinked

We don't have a close relationship. He doesn't with any of his immediate family, but he DID show up for Christmas, happy and funny.
He just shared his sobriety with everyone, and I did reach out to him to ask him how and why he chose to quit.
It is related to health issues.
But because we aren't real close right now, I don't feel I can share too much with him.
I did tell him I wanted a sober life though, so that's a start

tomsteve

im not religious either and neither is NA or AA.
I found it much better to run into people I knew at a meeting that while out in public when I was drunk/high as cooter brown.

Pinked

NA or AA meetings?
I don't know which one would be appropriate.
And as a newcomer, can I go to a closed meeting?

bluedog97

You could try either. Here, there are plenty of people in AA who did "other things", as they like to call it. I was hooked on cocaine about 15 years ago but gave it up (and continued to drink), so Im one of them. You could also try NA. I would try both and see which one you like better.

Here AA has a bigger following and more meetings, so that's why a lot of people settle on AA. The important thing is that its a support network to help you stop using.

And yes, because you are an addict/alcoholic, you can go to a closed meeting. Good luck!

Pinked

Thank you so much!!

Anna

You are welcome to post anywhere on the boards and the Newcomers forum is for all newcomers.

There are various ways to stop drinking and using drugs and if you have the motivation, you will be able to do this. It's likely that you will need to make many changes in your life involving friends and activities in order to stay sober. We are here to offer support.

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, Pinked. For me, it was a huge relief just to talk about it with people who understood. We're here to listen and help.

Pinked

It sounds so stupid, but I'm nervous that I may run into someone that knows me.
I attended Nar-Anon meetings years ago because of addicted son, but that was about HIM, not ME.
The meeting I am thinking of going to is tomorrow night at 7 p.m., I don't know what to do with myself between 3:30 after work, until 7:00, since I usually come home and drink and do lines.
It's even hard typing this about myself

tomsteve

welp, what ya could do during that time is do some reading in AA's big book online

Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
the first 164 pages tell what we have done to recover and after that are personal stories from people who have recovered.

or NA's basic text

Basic Text ? NA Basic Text Narcotics Anonymous

WhiskeyBent

you can do it. just keep typing here.

Marissa41

I was scared to go to meetings for fear of someone seeing me too. Then I ended up in the hospital and my whole family and my friends knew my problem.
So which is better? Running into someone you know at a public meeting or going to the hospital and everyone knowing your business?

Dee74

welcome back Pinked

D

WhiskeyBent

How you feeling Pinked? I am cheering for you. Hope you are well.