I feel lost..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Glad you reached out Pinked!
I was scared I would see someone I know at a meeting as well. I don't know why that scared me, some of the things I've done while drinking/doing drugs should be far more embarrassing than admitting I have a problem. I never ran into anyone I knew, though I do know plenty of people in the program, but I did end up making some new friends that really helped me through the rough first few months.
I was an emotional wreck too - scared to keep drinking and scared to stop. It seemed I was going to be scared either way and since I had already tried drinking and that didn't make it any better I decided to give the other way a shot.
Hang in there! We're here for you!
I was scared I would see someone I know at a meeting as well. I don't know why that scared me, some of the things I've done while drinking/doing drugs should be far more embarrassing than admitting I have a problem. I never ran into anyone I knew, though I do know plenty of people in the program, but I did end up making some new friends that really helped me through the rough first few months.
I was an emotional wreck too - scared to keep drinking and scared to stop. It seemed I was going to be scared either way and since I had already tried drinking and that didn't make it any better I decided to give the other way a shot.
Hang in there! We're here for you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Hey there,
My DOC is also cocaine, combined with alcohol. I hadn't used since I was a teen (though I had done some drinking at times over the intervening years) - that was 30 years ago. Last year, I found myself relapsing on cocaine & beer - my children grown, also with an accident of easy access through an old friend, using by myself late into the night, every night, barely even feeling the alcohol...
I'd like to say that it was a positive & glowing revelation that got me clean last summer, but it was fear. Sinking, terrifying fear.
Cocaine is a body-destructive drug. I'm a 50 year old woman. I realized that I was a line away from a stroke or a heart attack. There were nights I was waking unable to breathe, my nostrils full of gunk that filled my throat & was choking me. I googled images of cocaine damage to the sinuses & inner nose - the pictures were terrifying!
I went to NA the next day - so many years later, in a new city, but the same fellowship that helped me get clean when I was 19. I've since switched over & go more to AA, simply because I've met more women my age there. I went to meetings every day for the first few months to get back on track; now I only go to a couple a week & feel grounded.
Some people say cocaine isn't very physically addictive, but wow - maybe it's my brain chemistry, but my desire for it was intense. I had to clear it out of my house, throw any paraphernalia away, get every drop of alcohol out of the house, and devote myself to getting clean.
After the first couple of weeks, I felt so much better. After 90 days, my old self.
For me, it has to be completely over - not a taste, not a single line, not a single beer...or the compulsion retakes me. I am strong enough to stay clean, but only in its utter absence from my life.
You can do it!!
My DOC is also cocaine, combined with alcohol. I hadn't used since I was a teen (though I had done some drinking at times over the intervening years) - that was 30 years ago. Last year, I found myself relapsing on cocaine & beer - my children grown, also with an accident of easy access through an old friend, using by myself late into the night, every night, barely even feeling the alcohol...
I'd like to say that it was a positive & glowing revelation that got me clean last summer, but it was fear. Sinking, terrifying fear.
Cocaine is a body-destructive drug. I'm a 50 year old woman. I realized that I was a line away from a stroke or a heart attack. There were nights I was waking unable to breathe, my nostrils full of gunk that filled my throat & was choking me. I googled images of cocaine damage to the sinuses & inner nose - the pictures were terrifying!
I went to NA the next day - so many years later, in a new city, but the same fellowship that helped me get clean when I was 19. I've since switched over & go more to AA, simply because I've met more women my age there. I went to meetings every day for the first few months to get back on track; now I only go to a couple a week & feel grounded.
Some people say cocaine isn't very physically addictive, but wow - maybe it's my brain chemistry, but my desire for it was intense. I had to clear it out of my house, throw any paraphernalia away, get every drop of alcohol out of the house, and devote myself to getting clean.
After the first couple of weeks, I felt so much better. After 90 days, my old self.
For me, it has to be completely over - not a taste, not a single line, not a single beer...or the compulsion retakes me. I am strong enough to stay clean, but only in its utter absence from my life.
You can do it!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Welcome to SR Pinked!
How are you doing today? I wouldn't worry about seeing someone at a meeting, if they are there, it is for the same reason.
Do you think reaching out to your brother for support might bring your relationship closer?
I do not know anything about cocaine, my problem was alcohol. However, if you have been drinking/using a lot it might be a good idea to see your doctor for possible withdrawls. They can also offer resources to help you stay sober.
One thing that really helped me was reading and posting on here daily. Come here before you have a drink, or lines anywhere near you. Someone will be here to help you through those early days, and it does get easier. There are also lots of different options for recovery ranging from meetings, to IOP, to rehab, may be worth considering what you need to support you rot now.
How are you doing today? I wouldn't worry about seeing someone at a meeting, if they are there, it is for the same reason.
Do you think reaching out to your brother for support might bring your relationship closer?
I do not know anything about cocaine, my problem was alcohol. However, if you have been drinking/using a lot it might be a good idea to see your doctor for possible withdrawls. They can also offer resources to help you stay sober.
One thing that really helped me was reading and posting on here daily. Come here before you have a drink, or lines anywhere near you. Someone will be here to help you through those early days, and it does get easier. There are also lots of different options for recovery ranging from meetings, to IOP, to rehab, may be worth considering what you need to support you rot now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad you are here and posting.
I hope you do go to some meetings. Like others say,at any closed meeting anyone there is attending for the exact same reason you are. No need to speak if you don't want to. Just listen and learn from others experience strength and hope.
I know it's hard to imagine life without our fix of alcohol or whatever. Thing is,by the time I came here life with the fix was horrible. I suspect that it is the same for you. Those fixes aren't really working any more. What AA and NA can do is teach you new and better ways to make life bearable and even enjoyable without any fix necessary. That's what the steps are all about.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
I hope you do go to some meetings. Like others say,at any closed meeting anyone there is attending for the exact same reason you are. No need to speak if you don't want to. Just listen and learn from others experience strength and hope.
I know it's hard to imagine life without our fix of alcohol or whatever. Thing is,by the time I came here life with the fix was horrible. I suspect that it is the same for you. Those fixes aren't really working any more. What AA and NA can do is teach you new and better ways to make life bearable and even enjoyable without any fix necessary. That's what the steps are all about.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 101
Pinked I hope you are doing ok today. Nobody said it would be easy but I'm here to say it's so worth it. I was always down for partying too and used to use cocaine until a scary episode shook me to my core and scared me off of it. I kept drinking for years though. I hope you come back and decide to stick around 😊
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 15
I'm ok.
Sorry, I haven't posted, recently.
I haven't felt much like being online, it's a huge trigger for drinking and drugging for me, here, alone, on the internet.
But I'm clean since Sunday evening.
Every minute I feel like crying or going crazy and I know that's normal.
Thank you for the support.
It's so nice to share with people who get it
Sorry, I haven't posted, recently.
I haven't felt much like being online, it's a huge trigger for drinking and drugging for me, here, alone, on the internet.
But I'm clean since Sunday evening.
Every minute I feel like crying or going crazy and I know that's normal.
Thank you for the support.
It's so nice to share with people who get it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Yes, the Internet is part of the cocaine & beer isolation script.
Do whatever you need to do - be alone or go to a meeting, cry in the shower, sleep or do push-ups. You're going to wake up one morning very soon & realize you're getting ok...
Sending you loving prayers! You're through the hardest part!!
Do whatever you need to do - be alone or go to a meeting, cry in the shower, sleep or do push-ups. You're going to wake up one morning very soon & realize you're getting ok...
Sending you loving prayers! You're through the hardest part!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Glad you checked in! Sorry being online is such a trigger - I know isolation can be a huge one for some people!
Have you tried any face to face type support? If there is one thing I've come to know it's that this definitely can't be done alone!
Have you tried any face to face type support? If there is one thing I've come to know it's that this definitely can't be done alone!
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