At a cross roads after the worst new year ever with my binge drinking partner
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At a cross roads after the worst new year ever with my binge drinking partner
I met Mark just over a year ago, he is a chef at the local hotel, back then when he wasn't working he would drink all day every day, starting as soon as he opened his eyes and throughout the day, he would consume up to 12 cans of cheap strong cider throughout the day, he wasnt abusive just your usual incoherent chat, falling around, falling asleep...but on work days he wouldnt drink untill after a 10 hour shift,
Every few weeks...usually after a stressful event his mood would change, he would become sullen and unresponsive...passive aggressive, picking fights...I would be taken aback at first as he abused me and called me every foul name under the sun, I couldnt understand what was going on....and then he would turn to the vodka...he would drink a whole bottle to himself and still be necking back cans, he was like a different man. The next day he would be apologetic...and then he would go back to drinking cans, first of all 4, then 6, then back up to the full dozen within days....Then out of the blue, about three weeks maybe a month, he would repeat the cycle of pick fights, I would react, he then would blame me for upsetting him and drink a bottle of vodka, pissing off with all the money, all the cigarettes and he wouldnt return til he spent every penny in a couple of days...sometimes hundreds of £ss.
I quickly learnt not to bother trying to placate him or reason with him as when the mood was set there was no amount of begging or pleading would stop him picking fights, going off , blowing a small fortune and abusing me and telling me how he hates me etc, ....Once he got comfortable that he would be able to get away with this, the moods and binges lasted longer...from one night, to a couple, he didnt even really say sorry...well he did, but he made no effort to really make amends...
Everytime he he binged he has caused problems, causing scenes upsetting the neighbours, picking fights with anyone who passed and looked at him,,,he totally changes...from mr perfect to a horrible cruel heartless selfish man.
About 7 months ago I had enough of his antics and when he stormed off I changed the locks and disappeared...returned several hours later to find he has kicked holes in the door....so I thought Eff this and called the police, who followed a trail of blood to him sleeping in the shed...He was arrested and having already been on licence from before he met me for exactly the same kind of thing with his previous partner...he wa straight to Jail...I was guilt ridden, thought maybe the three months jail he got would change him....within two months of coming out and being on antabuse, he had a drink and was violently ill....he was also like a mad man ranting and raving, calling me a prostitute to the neighbours.
I then had the usual begging pleading love your crap....swore he had learnt, but then a few weeks before christmas he stopped the antabuse a week without me knowing, blatantly lying when asked if he had taken them, he went on the lash and he was vomiting as the antabuse was still in his system....I didnt feel sorry at all....not one bit, in fact I was glad.
He then starts taking the antabuse again, but after a sober christmas...the day before new years eve, he went from eating lunch being his happy usual charming self, to when I came in from washing up I could sense the mood change...I only asked if he was ok, he went wild...I asked him to shut up in front of my daughter and he got worse...I was horrified...But he stayed in and didnt drink at all...he was just quiet,. however when I woke up the next morning...he was sending me snide messages on my facebook posts, when I said what the hell, he went wild, called me names, grabbed every penny, every cigarette and prepared to leave..I reminded him it was new years eve and I had no money for gas to heat the house, I knew he was going on a binge and he would blow every penny...he told me to eff off...I asked for a cigarette, which were actually mine, he sat there smoking telling me no, he needed them...I was left two days with my daughter and no heating, it was freezing,...I also couldnt cook hot food, eating only things done with a toaster and microwave...I didnt even have a smoke to calm my nerves...and every few hours he would return, abuse me some more....but this time I wasnt answering at all...when he got too abusive I picked up the phone and called the police, he ran off, then he came back...still even as we stood shivering he wouldnt give me any money or a cigarette...and had the cheek to tell me how ugly and what a mess I am...so I didnt answer, listened for ten mins, then called thepolice, three times they came out that day and couldnt find him..on his last visit which was now 9pm new years night I didnt answer the door...he demanded his deoderant and clean clothes, so I shoved them out the window....he then begged to come in...it was raining...I told him to go, that he had left me without heating or the means to cook...and he could go to hell...he then got abusive,,,more name calling and then he smashed the window.....runs off, police come but I hadnt actually seen the window get smashed so they warned him to go away and did nothing about the window...costing me £120 to repair..
He then sobers up and goes to work...How crazy is that !!!
All day messaging me, begging me telling me he is homeless...I was hard at first....but after a few hours I said he could sleep here and I would feed him.....he didnt answer.....he then called in and said, I am sorry I will fix this but Im going to stay with a friend from work....once he wasnt homeless, he wasnt as sorry it seemed...but on seeing my face , he said truthfully I want to be here, but I want to drink again tonight...I said well drink but dont abuse me....
He drank. he crashed out after talking drunk crap...so I put him to bed, he had wet himself...I slept on the sofa, woke up at 3am to hear him get up...go to the bathroom....and then I hear him open a can of beer...and ten mins later another one, he was banging and clanking around at stupid oclock...so I just lost it...I flipped and told him to go to his workmates., who had given him a key incase...He laughed, called me an ugly old bag, ( he is 3 yrs younger)stormed off, shouting up the street.
Later that day his friend told him he could only be there two nights,,,,and then suddenly he loves me, Im not ugly or old...I can watch him swallow his antabuse, he is swearing on his kids lives but I have heard it all before...
so, the thing that puzzles me, he knows Im cool, he knows it is the abuse he gives and the trouble , so why not be straight and say I wanna go on a binge, why cause a fight, deny its for a drink, say the mood is cos of how ugly I am and then go and .................have a drink..
My head is shot, feel I should call it a day.....hell I KNOW I SHOULD.,,
If you read all of this...
Every few weeks...usually after a stressful event his mood would change, he would become sullen and unresponsive...passive aggressive, picking fights...I would be taken aback at first as he abused me and called me every foul name under the sun, I couldnt understand what was going on....and then he would turn to the vodka...he would drink a whole bottle to himself and still be necking back cans, he was like a different man. The next day he would be apologetic...and then he would go back to drinking cans, first of all 4, then 6, then back up to the full dozen within days....Then out of the blue, about three weeks maybe a month, he would repeat the cycle of pick fights, I would react, he then would blame me for upsetting him and drink a bottle of vodka, pissing off with all the money, all the cigarettes and he wouldnt return til he spent every penny in a couple of days...sometimes hundreds of £ss.
I quickly learnt not to bother trying to placate him or reason with him as when the mood was set there was no amount of begging or pleading would stop him picking fights, going off , blowing a small fortune and abusing me and telling me how he hates me etc, ....Once he got comfortable that he would be able to get away with this, the moods and binges lasted longer...from one night, to a couple, he didnt even really say sorry...well he did, but he made no effort to really make amends...
Everytime he he binged he has caused problems, causing scenes upsetting the neighbours, picking fights with anyone who passed and looked at him,,,he totally changes...from mr perfect to a horrible cruel heartless selfish man.
About 7 months ago I had enough of his antics and when he stormed off I changed the locks and disappeared...returned several hours later to find he has kicked holes in the door....so I thought Eff this and called the police, who followed a trail of blood to him sleeping in the shed...He was arrested and having already been on licence from before he met me for exactly the same kind of thing with his previous partner...he wa straight to Jail...I was guilt ridden, thought maybe the three months jail he got would change him....within two months of coming out and being on antabuse, he had a drink and was violently ill....he was also like a mad man ranting and raving, calling me a prostitute to the neighbours.
I then had the usual begging pleading love your crap....swore he had learnt, but then a few weeks before christmas he stopped the antabuse a week without me knowing, blatantly lying when asked if he had taken them, he went on the lash and he was vomiting as the antabuse was still in his system....I didnt feel sorry at all....not one bit, in fact I was glad.
He then starts taking the antabuse again, but after a sober christmas...the day before new years eve, he went from eating lunch being his happy usual charming self, to when I came in from washing up I could sense the mood change...I only asked if he was ok, he went wild...I asked him to shut up in front of my daughter and he got worse...I was horrified...But he stayed in and didnt drink at all...he was just quiet,. however when I woke up the next morning...he was sending me snide messages on my facebook posts, when I said what the hell, he went wild, called me names, grabbed every penny, every cigarette and prepared to leave..I reminded him it was new years eve and I had no money for gas to heat the house, I knew he was going on a binge and he would blow every penny...he told me to eff off...I asked for a cigarette, which were actually mine, he sat there smoking telling me no, he needed them...I was left two days with my daughter and no heating, it was freezing,...I also couldnt cook hot food, eating only things done with a toaster and microwave...I didnt even have a smoke to calm my nerves...and every few hours he would return, abuse me some more....but this time I wasnt answering at all...when he got too abusive I picked up the phone and called the police, he ran off, then he came back...still even as we stood shivering he wouldnt give me any money or a cigarette...and had the cheek to tell me how ugly and what a mess I am...so I didnt answer, listened for ten mins, then called thepolice, three times they came out that day and couldnt find him..on his last visit which was now 9pm new years night I didnt answer the door...he demanded his deoderant and clean clothes, so I shoved them out the window....he then begged to come in...it was raining...I told him to go, that he had left me without heating or the means to cook...and he could go to hell...he then got abusive,,,more name calling and then he smashed the window.....runs off, police come but I hadnt actually seen the window get smashed so they warned him to go away and did nothing about the window...costing me £120 to repair..
He then sobers up and goes to work...How crazy is that !!!
All day messaging me, begging me telling me he is homeless...I was hard at first....but after a few hours I said he could sleep here and I would feed him.....he didnt answer.....he then called in and said, I am sorry I will fix this but Im going to stay with a friend from work....once he wasnt homeless, he wasnt as sorry it seemed...but on seeing my face , he said truthfully I want to be here, but I want to drink again tonight...I said well drink but dont abuse me....
He drank. he crashed out after talking drunk crap...so I put him to bed, he had wet himself...I slept on the sofa, woke up at 3am to hear him get up...go to the bathroom....and then I hear him open a can of beer...and ten mins later another one, he was banging and clanking around at stupid oclock...so I just lost it...I flipped and told him to go to his workmates., who had given him a key incase...He laughed, called me an ugly old bag, ( he is 3 yrs younger)stormed off, shouting up the street.
Later that day his friend told him he could only be there two nights,,,,and then suddenly he loves me, Im not ugly or old...I can watch him swallow his antabuse, he is swearing on his kids lives but I have heard it all before...
so, the thing that puzzles me, he knows Im cool, he knows it is the abuse he gives and the trouble , so why not be straight and say I wanna go on a binge, why cause a fight, deny its for a drink, say the mood is cos of how ugly I am and then go and .................have a drink..
My head is shot, feel I should call it a day.....hell I KNOW I SHOULD.,,
If you read all of this...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I am so sorry this is happening, I can only imagine the huge toll and investment you have put into this relationship...
Can I ask, what is in this for you?....what will be the straw that breaks the camel's back?.
Can I ask, what is in this for you?....what will be the straw that breaks the camel's back?.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
You deserve love, muldoon. Not this, this is not love. Love is an action. He's not loving you, based on the actions you've talked about, and you are not loving you either.
If you wish to love him, the best way to do that is to leave him. Staying is acceptance of his behavior, which is enabling him and allowing him to continue his addiction and his abusive behavior without consequence. If you don't wish to love him, do the same thing, leave him.
If you wish to love him, the best way to do that is to leave him. Staying is acceptance of his behavior, which is enabling him and allowing him to continue his addiction and his abusive behavior without consequence. If you don't wish to love him, do the same thing, leave him.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: london
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the replies havent worked out how to quote you all individually,so to answer those who posed a question....
@pheonoixj I would wonder what was the matter with them,...I would tell them get out while your still sane.
@notimetowaste....the camels back is broken...New year,freezing cold, only able to feed my daughter...the humiliation of hearing what he has said to people when he was drunk...projecting his behaviour on to me and accusing me of things he himself is guilty of....bullying, mood swings, unreasonable...
@tnek97 it kinda crept upon me, I am teetotal, have been for over thirty years since I was 18, I thought that I could fix him,,.,,,he had his longest sober periods with me, 20 weeks, thats the longest he has been sober since he started drinking at 18, he is 45....this last session was the worst, most prolonged and has caused hell with neighbours and friends he has insulted when he was arseholed.I honestly dont know why because I am not a stupid person, maybe Im conceited and narcissistic imagining I could fix someone who couldnt be fixed.
@pheonoixj I would wonder what was the matter with them,...I would tell them get out while your still sane.
@notimetowaste....the camels back is broken...New year,freezing cold, only able to feed my daughter...the humiliation of hearing what he has said to people when he was drunk...projecting his behaviour on to me and accusing me of things he himself is guilty of....bullying, mood swings, unreasonable...
@tnek97 it kinda crept upon me, I am teetotal, have been for over thirty years since I was 18, I thought that I could fix him,,.,,,he had his longest sober periods with me, 20 weeks, thats the longest he has been sober since he started drinking at 18, he is 45....this last session was the worst, most prolonged and has caused hell with neighbours and friends he has insulted when he was arseholed.I honestly dont know why because I am not a stupid person, maybe Im conceited and narcissistic imagining I could fix someone who couldnt be fixed.
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Originally Posted by xmuldoonx 
...maybe Im conceited and narcissistic imagining I could fix someone who couldnt be fixed.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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"I am not a stupid person, maybe Im conceited and narcissistic imagining I could fix someone who couldnt be fixed."
At some point you have to decide that you want a partner and not a project. And yes, it is a fools errand to think we can "fix" another human being. The only thing we can control is ourselves.
I watched my Dad drink himself to death in spite of having liver failure. He continued to drink and lie to the doctors right up until the very end. Not his failing health, the love for his wife, nor his children could stop him. That was 12 years ago and he was only 56 years old. I honestly believe that he did not believe he was going to die right up until the end. In one of his last lucid moments, while I spoon feeding him, he looked at me and said "Terri, I am so F-ing scared." I got to see the moment he realized he was going to die. How nice right?
My point is that people will self destruct and die and you cannot stop it. I watched my Dad die a most horrible death and yet drank myself to oblivion anyway. You are not that powerful, and this man does not love you. He can't. You are merely a means to an end and his scapegoat. From what you wrote, he is incapable of giving you anything you need and you are enabling an addict who abuses and mistreats you. On top of that, what standard of acceptable treatment are you setting for your daughter? Children will do what we do, not what we say. You gave birth and have an awesome responsibility to ensure her success in life. I never had children because that level of responsibility scared me more than anything. My parents were the worst examples. I was not much better.
This guy is dragging you down. If you have allowed yourself to be in a position where you cannot support yourself without him, then you need a serious plan. Even a woman's shelter would be better than this. At least they would help you get on your feet and you could be free of this. I am happy you reached out, but none of us can fix this for you. Getting you and your daughter away from your abuser should be your very first priority. His feelings are nothing as he does not care about yours. Please get some assistance and get out.
Hugs.
At some point you have to decide that you want a partner and not a project. And yes, it is a fools errand to think we can "fix" another human being. The only thing we can control is ourselves.
I watched my Dad drink himself to death in spite of having liver failure. He continued to drink and lie to the doctors right up until the very end. Not his failing health, the love for his wife, nor his children could stop him. That was 12 years ago and he was only 56 years old. I honestly believe that he did not believe he was going to die right up until the end. In one of his last lucid moments, while I spoon feeding him, he looked at me and said "Terri, I am so F-ing scared." I got to see the moment he realized he was going to die. How nice right?
My point is that people will self destruct and die and you cannot stop it. I watched my Dad die a most horrible death and yet drank myself to oblivion anyway. You are not that powerful, and this man does not love you. He can't. You are merely a means to an end and his scapegoat. From what you wrote, he is incapable of giving you anything you need and you are enabling an addict who abuses and mistreats you. On top of that, what standard of acceptable treatment are you setting for your daughter? Children will do what we do, not what we say. You gave birth and have an awesome responsibility to ensure her success in life. I never had children because that level of responsibility scared me more than anything. My parents were the worst examples. I was not much better.
This guy is dragging you down. If you have allowed yourself to be in a position where you cannot support yourself without him, then you need a serious plan. Even a woman's shelter would be better than this. At least they would help you get on your feet and you could be free of this. I am happy you reached out, but none of us can fix this for you. Getting you and your daughter away from your abuser should be your very first priority. His feelings are nothing as he does not care about yours. Please get some assistance and get out.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Dump him. Yesterday. You're worth far far more than what you're getting from this sot. If nothing else, do it for your daughter, so she doesn't think it's ok for a woman to put up with this kind of abuse. Kids live what they know. Do the right thing and banish this one from your life.
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Doggone Im not allowed to quote you ,,,yet,.
Thanks, Ive just started to look around here, will have a gander, maybe your right about codependency, two years ago I left a malignant narcissist after 16 yrs of absolute and utter hell.
Thanks, Ive just started to look around here, will have a gander, maybe your right about codependency, two years ago I left a malignant narcissist after 16 yrs of absolute and utter hell.
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Ustacallmelola ...thats the other thing , even without the abuse, do I wanna watch him die of liver failure, I watched my dad die of liver cancer two years ago and my mother died riddled with cancer two months ago...its a horrible business,
My sister died of sepsis a year ago...so no, either way it is doomed.
This one has previously lost his wife and children, his liberty from being jailed and none of those things cured him.
My sister died of sepsis a year ago...so no, either way it is doomed.
This one has previously lost his wife and children, his liberty from being jailed and none of those things cured him.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
End the relationship now. You say you don't want to see him die. He will unless something changes. He won't change, so it's up to you. Ending the relationship will be the change that both of you need. Also, I note you have a daughter. You have a higher duty to protect her from negative people, so this is really a no-brainer. End it.
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