If I quit now, can my kids recover?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Suzie,
I am sure they can. I have two boys, 2 and 4, and since I quit 5 months ago my relationship with both has improved dramatically. It had ever been bad and I was never an absent father, but now we are very close as we should be.
Also my grandad had a major drinking problem and was a terrible dad as a result. He stopped late in life, too late in fact as the damage was already done and he died quite early, but in that time he and my mum finally found their peace.
You can do this!
P
I am sure they can. I have two boys, 2 and 4, and since I quit 5 months ago my relationship with both has improved dramatically. It had ever been bad and I was never an absent father, but now we are very close as we should be.
Also my grandad had a major drinking problem and was a terrible dad as a result. He stopped late in life, too late in fact as the damage was already done and he died quite early, but in that time he and my mum finally found their peace.
You can do this!
P
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
As the child of an alcoholic as well, I can only recommend you talk to them. Acknowledge your drinking, that it was wrong and it hurt them, that you're truly sorry and that you want to change and make it up to them -- especially the 11 year old.
Accepting responsibility and showing you want to make it right is a very powerful message, and they deserve to hear it.
Accepting responsibility and showing you want to make it right is a very powerful message, and they deserve to hear it.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I can't control the outcome only what I do now that will effect the future. Staying sober is this first step in recovery for all. When the why turns to how we get better and those around us are positively influenced when we change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I stopped drinking 5 years (in Feb 2017) ago and my daughter was 2 at the time.
She has no memory of me drinking. She has no idea now why I don't drink. Alcohol is just not part of our lives.
I have two sayings that I live my life by.
The first is 'everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end'.
The 2nd is ' I will always be first and foremost a mum'.
Reminding my self of the 2nd one is something I do everyday.
I cannot have days when I cannot be bothered to get my child to bed at a decent time. Me depriving her of sleep and a routine would not be right.
I cannot have days when I do not listen to my daughter read her school books. That would be my fault if she did not do well at school or she struggled and I could have helped.
I cannot ring school and say my daughter is ill and will not be in, when actually it is because I cannot be bothered to get out of bed to take her. Thats not fair on her.
It does not matter what job or career I have. It does not matter what problems I may have. My first and foremost job is being a mum.
I work full time. I am a single mum. I get 4 evenings off a month when my daughter stays over with her dad.
It is really hard at times. We often go to bed at the same time as I am so tired. I have no social life. I have very little time for me. But I chose it when I decided I wanted to be a mum.
You have a 3 year old who will have formed no memories of your drinking.
Your 11 year old might have some memories but you can prevent anymore being made by you stopping drinking now.
Children are super resilient.
Children are often very forgiving.
Surround yourself and your children with love, not empty booze bottles.
Don't punish yourself or live with regret. Time is precious, especially when your children are so young.
I am no martyr or Saint. There are some days when I could scream or sleep forever or run away!!!!
There are usually reasons why I feel like that - headache, hormones, hungry, tired, whatever.
But I will never let drink be the reason why I feel like that. Not ever.
I really wish you the best xx
She has no memory of me drinking. She has no idea now why I don't drink. Alcohol is just not part of our lives.
I have two sayings that I live my life by.
The first is 'everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end'.
The 2nd is ' I will always be first and foremost a mum'.
Reminding my self of the 2nd one is something I do everyday.
I cannot have days when I cannot be bothered to get my child to bed at a decent time. Me depriving her of sleep and a routine would not be right.
I cannot have days when I do not listen to my daughter read her school books. That would be my fault if she did not do well at school or she struggled and I could have helped.
I cannot ring school and say my daughter is ill and will not be in, when actually it is because I cannot be bothered to get out of bed to take her. Thats not fair on her.
It does not matter what job or career I have. It does not matter what problems I may have. My first and foremost job is being a mum.
I work full time. I am a single mum. I get 4 evenings off a month when my daughter stays over with her dad.
It is really hard at times. We often go to bed at the same time as I am so tired. I have no social life. I have very little time for me. But I chose it when I decided I wanted to be a mum.
You have a 3 year old who will have formed no memories of your drinking.
Your 11 year old might have some memories but you can prevent anymore being made by you stopping drinking now.
Children are super resilient.
Children are often very forgiving.
Surround yourself and your children with love, not empty booze bottles.
Don't punish yourself or live with regret. Time is precious, especially when your children are so young.
I am no martyr or Saint. There are some days when I could scream or sleep forever or run away!!!!
There are usually reasons why I feel like that - headache, hormones, hungry, tired, whatever.
But I will never let drink be the reason why I feel like that. Not ever.
I really wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
You absolutely can. You are a wonderful mom for concerning yourself with this. Just to add another example, my children are 8 and 6.5 and by quitting drinking I have seen massive changes in my relationship with my kids as well as their overall wellbeing.
My kids are without a doubt happier, better behaved, doing better socially and in school and are much calmer.
My oldest son has never stopped loving me and being close/loving with me, even when drinking, but he did suffer and was very unhappy. My youngest however, and this is not an exaggeration, hated me. I am sure of this. I just felt deep anger and yes, hatred, coming from him. This has all changed since I quit. He is loving and trusting, he lets me touch him, hug him and will give me kisses. He seeks me out and wants to talk to me, share with me. Everything is better with both of them since quitting. I do know that if I went back to drinking I would loose so much progress and so much trust, I cannot risk that.
My kids are without a doubt happier, better behaved, doing better socially and in school and are much calmer.
My oldest son has never stopped loving me and being close/loving with me, even when drinking, but he did suffer and was very unhappy. My youngest however, and this is not an exaggeration, hated me. I am sure of this. I just felt deep anger and yes, hatred, coming from him. This has all changed since I quit. He is loving and trusting, he lets me touch him, hug him and will give me kisses. He seeks me out and wants to talk to me, share with me. Everything is better with both of them since quitting. I do know that if I went back to drinking I would loose so much progress and so much trust, I cannot risk that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
You might try taking them to Alateen meetings. I'm in alanon myself but have taken my daughter (10) to several- they meet by themselves, Alanons in their own room and AA's down the hall (parents are not required to be in AA or Alanon for the kids to be in Alateen- only kids and cleared & trained Alanon sponsors are allowed in the Alateen meeting).
In the alateen meeting they can talk with other kids at various stages of living with substance problems. I've heard a few of the Alateens speak about it. They do suffer but they do recover too. Alateen helps them get a perspective on whats happening rather than incomprehensibly suffering or trying to forget, they learn that by talking with the other kids.
Theres a boy about 10 now I've heard speak a few times over the last year or two. His parents are active drug addicts, he has gone from near mute from fear to participating in a discussion panel taking questions from a 50+ member adult audience.
In the alateen meeting they can talk with other kids at various stages of living with substance problems. I've heard a few of the Alateens speak about it. They do suffer but they do recover too. Alateen helps them get a perspective on whats happening rather than incomprehensibly suffering or trying to forget, they learn that by talking with the other kids.
Theres a boy about 10 now I've heard speak a few times over the last year or two. His parents are active drug addicts, he has gone from near mute from fear to participating in a discussion panel taking questions from a 50+ member adult audience.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
If you stay sober there is lots of time to help your kids meet the real, sober you. Focus on that and things will work out much better in the end - your sobriety is the best gift you could give them. Keep your resolve and prove to them daily that you can be trusted and good things will happen. And don't ever forget that even one sip can destroy all the good work you've done so far...so do whatever you need to do to make sure it never happens.
The short answer to your original question: yes.
The better answer is: it's complicated.
Yes, you can probably have a good relationship with your kids. Getting and staying sober NOW will give you the best chance at that- as well as the least baggage and impact on them, as they grow up. It's much harder when a parent's drinking begins at a young age (I was 11 and I always had a clear delineation of "before" and "after" my mom's drinking became a problem for her and us) and continues- relapses are in some ways worse. You begin to trust the parent, then.....
I am also a fan of counseling/therapy - perhaps they will need this in their teens and 20s as I did. Perhaps later. If you feel it necessary, Alateen could also be a tool when they are older if you see signs of behavioral after-effects or whatnot.
I could write an epic novel about this and instead will just say this - being honest (age-appropriately) with your kids as you stay sober (can't emphasize that part enough) will be the best thing for your current and future relationships with them. You cannot control whether they become alcoholics themselves, you cannot control how they feel about you, etc etc - you CAN do your best to have a loving and trustworthy relationship by working on being your best self and parent.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Scott, congratulations for realizing the impact you will have on your kids lives by living sober. I raised two step kids while my husband and I were active drinkers. They are now raising kids themselves, one repeating old patterns by drinking and being inconsistent with parenting, making empty promises, moving etc. The other never drank and articulates her need for sobriety in herself, her partners and her children. By me choosing sobriety, though late in their lives they are getting the message though open communication and my actions, that it's never too late to quit. Your kids are lucky!!!!
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