I'm glad I relapsed
 

I'm on day 3 now, and this is my second serious attempt to quit.

The first time, I convinced myself after about a month I didn't have a TRUE problem. It's all about self control, I didn't REALLY go through withdrawal, if you can't moderate then you're weak, blah, blah, blah.... these are the things I started telling myself.

Well, I'm definitely experiencing a physical withdrawal, and I'm willing to admit that to myself now. Symptoms:

- Cold sweats, nights sweats, clammy skin
- Fogginess
- Tired, but can't sleep soundly
- Jumpy
- Weepy
- Feels like my heart beats too fast
- Nightmares: Last night I had a dream that my family and I were about to get hit by a tsunami. We had to run, but everyone wanted to stop and pack a bag. I started screaming that they were crazy and we were going to die. They were all so calm and told me that I was overreacting. It was scarier than it sounds written here lol

My point is... I'm glad it happened because it's sort of like a "fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me" situation.

At first I felt like a failure, then I was just sort of... defeated. Now, even though I physically feel like crap, my situation seems clearer to me. Perhaps it's that proverbial "moment of clarity"? I don't know.

Thanks everyone.

Edit: it was actually more than a month in that I started downplaying the issue. I guess the holidays are a trigger for me, because that's when things started falling apart. By Halloween, I was doubting the problem. By Thanksgiving, I'd caved (but didn't have any issue). By Christmas... back to square one! Worse, actually!

day 3 for me today too...:grouphug:

Glad you are back KGR. Any thoughts on what you might do differently this time around?

great job kgr

I can associate kgr, my decision to do something about it came halfway through can number 3 during a relapse. I threw it in the bin, cans 4, 5 and 6 are still in the fridge nearly 5 months later, reminds me the choice is mine.

But anyway, the relapse was necessary for my moment of clarity too.

All the best with your recovery and keep up the good work!

P

4-5 months ago I had the most brilliant pink-cloud 3 months of sobriety I have ever experienced, which told me I was "okay" and that I "deserved" a drink, now that surely I would be able to handle it, blah blah blah blah...

So in a way, strange as it sounds, I'm glad I relapsed because it revealed I wasn't doing it right, became complacent, assumed I was good to go with nothing else required of me. Not this time.

Congratulations on day 3, whitehorses! :)

Scott - I'm putting together a recovery binder using the links Dee posted a while ago... I also want to start going to meetings (although I haven't worked up the nerve quite yet)

Kgr - I know what you mean. I, too, needed further proof that I really couldn't ever touch the stuff again. The last time I went out it was horrific and lasted a long time. I'm glad you're on Day 3 - very proud of you.

Whitehorses - you too! :) We know how hard it is to get through those first few days. Things will look up.

I'm happy that you've found clarity in your relapse. I quit smoking 3 years ago, after many many attempts. I also chalked it up to a moment of clarity. And it stuck.