Relationships in first year of sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Incline Village NV
Posts: 3
Relationships in first year of sobriety
I fell for a girl in AA. I was told to not get into a relationship for the first year. So I kept my end of the bargain. She didn't and starting seeing someone outside of the rooms. I feel like drinking and using after I went to a meeting and saw her. What is wrong with me? I have less then 6mos 07-17-16, she just got her 90 day. I feel like i've traded one addiction for another. This is not my first rodeo. Sobriety is my priority but when I saw her I wanted to throw up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
Putin- hi, welcome. To my mind you are doing the right thing. Dealing with your own addiction issues is top priority- it is mine. To tangle that up with another person in early recovery is, I have seen dangerous. There is 1 guy in the same recovery program I am in. Did well- about the 4th time round. Not using, drinking or gambling. Met someone at a meeting. Whirlwind romance- married- had a child. Then their house of cards collapsed- they had not dealt with their own issues so having a home, marriage, child and jobs was way too much. She ended up in hard core lock down rehab. He ended up in goal. They both are only allowed supervised visits with their 2 year old. He has relapsed twice in the last 3 months. He is about 34.I will not offer advice- only what I know and see.
Keep posting and reading.
Keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, that's exactly why it's not a good idea to get into relationships. Look how bad this is making you feel, and the relationship never really got started. Imagine if you'd got together for a few months, and then she'd relapsed, or you'd split up or she cheated on you. We're just to raw and vulnerable for this stuff in the first year (or so).
Lots of us trade addictions. We look for another crutch to replace the one (alcohol or whatever) that we lost. Those of us who have other problematic areas where we might act out need to really work on our recovery. It's great that you spotted what you're doing.
As well as being alcoholic, I am quite codie as well. This meant that the CoDa handbook was a really insightful and useful read for me, and as I do my step work I'm always mindful of my codependency as well as my alcoholism. I know a few people who attend both AA and CoDa, but the meetings for CoDa are few and far between I my area and quite hard to get to, so I rarely go to them.
I would say talk through all this stuff with your sponsor. Maybe get to some diffrent meetings and avoid her til your feelings settle back down if there are enough meetings in your area that this is possible. Where are you with regards to step work. A lot of the time, the work we're putting into our recovery is more significant than the time we have. I sat in meetings for six months waiting for the sobriety fairy to come sprinkle me with her recovery dust before I finally gave up waiting, got a sponsor and started doing the work I needed to do to get better. AA is like a stool. It will keep you safe when you use all three legs. Like it says around the triangle. Recovery (the 12-step program ), Unity (Meetings and fellowship), and Service (doing service, helping set up and clear up, talking to the newcomer, pouring the coffee, popping out for milk, washing up, stacking chairs, etc.).
All you can do is keep your side of the street clean. If she wants to risk her recovery by fooling around, that is none of your business. Hopefully she'll stay sober and no one will get hurt. Thing is, while I'm on a diet, it's pointless me being peed off that the fat lady sat next to me is sabotaging her own weiggtloss by eating my favourite cake. I've got to keep my eye on my own goal.
Your job is to keep doing the next best thing (like you did already so far) and work on your recovery with a sponsor, and day by day, applying the principles of the program to all areas of your life. This way you won't feel the need to reach outside yourself for other crutches, be it sex, relationships, gambling, drugs, porn, overeating, spending (or any of the other things we have 12-step fellowships set up for).
Charlie C talking about sex and fear helped me figure some of this stuff. He's funny as well, so could be worth a listen... Charlie C. - Step 4 Fear & Sex, Stateline Retreat; Primm, Nevada - 2006 | RecoveryAudio.org
Lots of us trade addictions. We look for another crutch to replace the one (alcohol or whatever) that we lost. Those of us who have other problematic areas where we might act out need to really work on our recovery. It's great that you spotted what you're doing.
As well as being alcoholic, I am quite codie as well. This meant that the CoDa handbook was a really insightful and useful read for me, and as I do my step work I'm always mindful of my codependency as well as my alcoholism. I know a few people who attend both AA and CoDa, but the meetings for CoDa are few and far between I my area and quite hard to get to, so I rarely go to them.
I would say talk through all this stuff with your sponsor. Maybe get to some diffrent meetings and avoid her til your feelings settle back down if there are enough meetings in your area that this is possible. Where are you with regards to step work. A lot of the time, the work we're putting into our recovery is more significant than the time we have. I sat in meetings for six months waiting for the sobriety fairy to come sprinkle me with her recovery dust before I finally gave up waiting, got a sponsor and started doing the work I needed to do to get better. AA is like a stool. It will keep you safe when you use all three legs. Like it says around the triangle. Recovery (the 12-step program ), Unity (Meetings and fellowship), and Service (doing service, helping set up and clear up, talking to the newcomer, pouring the coffee, popping out for milk, washing up, stacking chairs, etc.).
All you can do is keep your side of the street clean. If she wants to risk her recovery by fooling around, that is none of your business. Hopefully she'll stay sober and no one will get hurt. Thing is, while I'm on a diet, it's pointless me being peed off that the fat lady sat next to me is sabotaging her own weiggtloss by eating my favourite cake. I've got to keep my eye on my own goal.
Your job is to keep doing the next best thing (like you did already so far) and work on your recovery with a sponsor, and day by day, applying the principles of the program to all areas of your life. This way you won't feel the need to reach outside yourself for other crutches, be it sex, relationships, gambling, drugs, porn, overeating, spending (or any of the other things we have 12-step fellowships set up for).
Charlie C talking about sex and fear helped me figure some of this stuff. He's funny as well, so could be worth a listen... Charlie C. - Step 4 Fear & Sex, Stateline Retreat; Primm, Nevada - 2006 | RecoveryAudio.org
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome 
I think the idea not to get involved too soon is a good one - especially if this is messing you around so much.
Can you go to different meetings for a while perhaps?
Keep working on your self and you'll find that your relationships will change as you do
D
I think the idea not to get involved too soon is a good one - especially if this is messing you around so much.
Can you go to different meetings for a while perhaps?
Keep working on your self and you'll find that your relationships will change as you do
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 387
This post really spoke to me-I have been one of those people who have found myself liking someone too early in sobriety. It completely derailed my sobriety. I spent most of December drinking away the nights because I couldn't stop obsessing over some guy I didn't have a relationship with. I transferred my alcoholism onto him and started having an unhealthy preoccupation with him. But it led me back to the booze. I've cut both off now, nothing will jeopardise my sobriety. It hurts a lot, but knowing you're in control and have made a decision to look after yourself is some form of relief.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi,
I think it s all part of the bigger picture. Relationships may put you in places where you are not in control of the outcome, but if you think about it this is also true with friendships, work and a lot of other things.
The point comes down to whether you feel ready to take control of how you react when things don't go the way you expect. In the end your drinking or using is down to you only, so if you feel confident you can stay on top of the situation with 1 or 6 months sober I can't see why a relationship would undermine your recovery.
That said, in this specific case I don't think you benefit from being around her as she s with someone else, so another meeting as Dee suggested would probably be a good idea if you can make it.
But most important of all stay strong there. You are doing great and you already have some significant sober time under your belt, don't let anything or anyone destroy that.
P
I think it s all part of the bigger picture. Relationships may put you in places where you are not in control of the outcome, but if you think about it this is also true with friendships, work and a lot of other things.
The point comes down to whether you feel ready to take control of how you react when things don't go the way you expect. In the end your drinking or using is down to you only, so if you feel confident you can stay on top of the situation with 1 or 6 months sober I can't see why a relationship would undermine your recovery.
That said, in this specific case I don't think you benefit from being around her as she s with someone else, so another meeting as Dee suggested would probably be a good idea if you can make it.
But most important of all stay strong there. You are doing great and you already have some significant sober time under your belt, don't let anything or anyone destroy that.
P
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Putaforkinme 
So I kept my end of the bargain.
She didn't and starting seeing someone outside of the rooms.
time has proven that these early in recovery relationships
don't usually work out.
We understand the pain of the one that got away.
But, our priority today is to stay sober.
Question -- How many relationships are drama free?
I'll take a wild guess here -- 25%.
That's why they say to wait a year.
M-Bob
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
I've fallen victim to this scenario, and it predictably didn't end well (I'll give you a hint: I relapsed).
I'm a classic co-dependent just coming out of a long divorce, so my automatic instinct is to find another object of fixation. That's why this time I KNOW that I can't get into a relationship, or even casually date. Not until I've worked on my own crap.
And trust me, it's not easy. My need for instant gratification wants me to find a new mate ASAP, but I have to do it right this time or else I'll end up right back where I was.
I'm a classic co-dependent just coming out of a long divorce, so my automatic instinct is to find another object of fixation. That's why this time I KNOW that I can't get into a relationship, or even casually date. Not until I've worked on my own crap.
And trust me, it's not easy. My need for instant gratification wants me to find a new mate ASAP, but I have to do it right this time or else I'll end up right back where I was.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Putaforkinme
I fell for a girl in AA. I was told to not get into a relationship for the first year. So I kept my end of the bargain. She didn't and starting seeing someone outside of the rooms. I feel like drinking and using after I went to a meeting and saw her. What is wrong with me? I have less then 6mos 07-17-16, she just got her 90 day. I feel like i've traded one addiction for another. This is not my first rodeo. Sobriety is my priority but when I saw her I wanted to throw up.
what was wrong with me? I was sick. and Only attracted someone as sick( personally I think sicker) than me. I stayed sober through many of her premeditated drunks and highs. how?
I worked the program.
whats wrong with ya? nothing that a drink will help.
reads like the mental obsession- could be something similar in the past happened and the solution was a drink(" this isn't my first rodeo"), but a drink wont help today.
im sure the steps will.
in plain English:
1. Alcohol will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4. Write about how I got to where I am.
5. Tell another person all about me (let God listen).
6. Want to change.
7. Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8. Write down who I've hurt.
9. Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10. Accept that I'm human and will screw up. Fix it immediately.
11. Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12. Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.
might be wise to find another meeting for a while,eh?
youre not a bad man, justa sick one, but there IS a solution.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
1. Alcohol will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4. Write about how I got to where I am.
5. Tell another person all about me (let God listen).
6. Want to change.
7. Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8. Write down who I've hurt.
9. Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10. Accept that I'm human and will screw up. Fix it immediately.
11. Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12. Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.
That's awesome. I've never seen that before.
Putaforkinme -
There's nothing wrong with you that working a solid program won't help or fix. Focus on that - try not to get hung up on what this girl is doing. She's playing with fire, if you ask me. I've been sober a bit over two years and I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I tried this summer to date a guy who is also sober a little over two years- we were not ready. I found myself getting super dependent on him, and vice-versa. Work on yourself for a while. If you feel like you are trading one addiction for another, you probably are. Find different meetings to go to for a while, if you can. Keep working your program. I know it hurts, but this, too, shall pass.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4. Write about how I got to where I am.
5. Tell another person all about me (let God listen).
6. Want to change.
7. Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8. Write down who I've hurt.
9. Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10. Accept that I'm human and will screw up. Fix it immediately.
11. Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12. Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.
That's awesome. I've never seen that before.
Putaforkinme -
There's nothing wrong with you that working a solid program won't help or fix. Focus on that - try not to get hung up on what this girl is doing. She's playing with fire, if you ask me. I've been sober a bit over two years and I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I tried this summer to date a guy who is also sober a little over two years- we were not ready. I found myself getting super dependent on him, and vice-versa. Work on yourself for a while. If you feel like you are trading one addiction for another, you probably are. Find different meetings to go to for a while, if you can. Keep working your program. I know it hurts, but this, too, shall pass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Incline Village NV
Posts: 3
I woke up sober
Last night would of been a night to drink away the feelings. I drank mostly because I had feelings and when those would get hurt I would drink even harder at them. I was very emotional reading the comments they all seem to point in a direction of NO RELATIONSHIPS I thought I could take all the suggestions except that one. On the outside I'm doing what I'm told: 2 Secretarial, 1 coffee commitment, sponsor (9th step) sponsee, meeting a day. On the inside I feel i'm still in the tunnels. I am going to a meeting at 9am, I have a text out to my sponsor and I will call my sponsee to see how he's doing. I've had rejectionssss before and the pain is the same. I don't want pity on the contrary I want to beat the **** out of myself for feeling like this. Do I feel better yeah I little because I cried like a 5 year old reading the comments this morning. This **** is not easy.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by Putaforkinme
I fell for a girl in AA. I was told to not get into a relationship for the first year. So I kept my end of the bargain. She didn't and starting seeing someone outside of the rooms. I feel like drinking and using after I went to a meeting and saw her. What is wrong with me? I have less then 6mos 07-17-16, she just got her 90 day. I feel like i've traded one addiction for another. This is not my first rodeo. Sobriety is my priority but when I saw her I wanted to throw up.
We have to be careful, because we can't just say if we're not going on dates with someone that we are avoiding relationships. You still developed feelings, that is the problem, not whether or not you are formally seeing them.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It's been said many times that you shouldn't date until you have at least a year of sobriety under your belt, and I agree with that. Getting back on your feet can leave you in a vulnerable position, and getting involved with someone early on almost always leads to nothing good, let alone someone from AA.
I would leave AA as your place for healing, and nothing else.
I would leave AA as your place for healing, and nothing else.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
" I want to beat the **** out of myself for feeling like this. Do I feel better yeah I little because I cried like a 5 year old reading the comments this morning. This **** is not easy."
no one kicks me harder than me. please do yourself a favor and throw out the ass kikin machine. youre nota bad man gettin good, just a sick one gettin well and youre living in the solution.
youre comin up on 6 months- good on ya! but its still early and quite a roller coaster.
no, it isnt easy at first. simple, but not easy. i think thats why the big book says," .....trudge the road of happy destiny."
theres times we gotta trudge.
did ya happen to include the sex inventory when doing the 4th step?
no one kicks me harder than me. please do yourself a favor and throw out the ass kikin machine. youre nota bad man gettin good, just a sick one gettin well and youre living in the solution.
youre comin up on 6 months- good on ya! but its still early and quite a roller coaster.
no, it isnt easy at first. simple, but not easy. i think thats why the big book says," .....trudge the road of happy destiny."
theres times we gotta trudge.
did ya happen to include the sex inventory when doing the 4th step?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Lombard
Posts: 29
So, I never had a relationship in my first year of sobriety (sobriety date 10-10-2015) but kind of stupidly I started talking to a guy in one of my regular weekly meetings. Over the course of the past 3-4 weeks, I have noticed a complete change in myself...I await anxiously for his texts/messages & focus so much time/energy on wondering if we will just stay friends/AA cohorts or have it turn into something more. It's too complicated & I agree with a lot of the posts here made by very insightful people that steer away from this kind of thing. I hope you are able to go to different meetings, start doing the step work & reaching out to this online AA community, as well as your F2F AA community. Your sobriety should be #1. This post helped me a lot...thank you for posting! Take care :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Put - why do you feel rejected? You made a decision to not get into relationships for the first year, and you stuck by your decision. It sounds like you decided not pursue her because of that. If that is the case then you rejected her, right?
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