Coming back
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Coming back
Hello everyone. I unfortunately am coming back again to get sober. I had about 4 months last year over the summer and went back to drinking. I have had a few other brief stints of sobriety since then. I have basically been trying to do it on my own. I have tried AA but have a sister in town who's in the program who knows a lot of people. It makes me uncomfortable like I cant open up. I need to find another way or figure out how to incorporate AA into my life without interfering or intersecting with her.
Another problem is something that happened a very long time ago that Ive never been able to get over. I basically embarrassed myself very badly when I was young. I haunts me to this day. I am in therapy and it is helping but very painful.
Bottom line, I need to get alcohol out of my life for good. I drink to deal with the pain and regret and shame I feel for the past. I need to deal with it rather than self-medicate.
Its a relief to get this out. Ive been debating whether to come back out of shame but Im at the end of my rope. Thank for reading. HNY everyone.
Another problem is something that happened a very long time ago that Ive never been able to get over. I basically embarrassed myself very badly when I was young. I haunts me to this day. I am in therapy and it is helping but very painful.
Bottom line, I need to get alcohol out of my life for good. I drink to deal with the pain and regret and shame I feel for the past. I need to deal with it rather than self-medicate.
Its a relief to get this out. Ive been debating whether to come back out of shame but Im at the end of my rope. Thank for reading. HNY everyone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome back Bluedog 
If I was you I'd say to hell with it and go to AA anyway. Why not get all the help you can get?
If your sister is that well connected, and your trust in AA confidentiality is low, what about driving to the next town, or next town but one?
If all else fails? online meetings?
D
If I was you I'd say to hell with it and go to AA anyway. Why not get all the help you can get?
If your sister is that well connected, and your trust in AA confidentiality is low, what about driving to the next town, or next town but one?
If all else fails? online meetings?
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are back here. Agree with what Dee said.
AA has saved me and I knew plenty of people going in- and found plenty I knew but had no idea were in AA.
You can do it this time- make a plan and go for it.
AA has saved me and I knew plenty of people going in- and found plenty I knew but had no idea were in AA.
You can do it this time- make a plan and go for it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Thanks for the replies. Its time to make it work this time. Ill keep going to AA.
As far as the bad situation that happened a long time ago, it's really the only confidential thing I have. On the one hand, I want to talk about it, but on the other, I worried what reaction Id get. But its definitely a big thing that makes me want to drink, so I feel its relevant to recovery (and AA). Maybe in confidence I can share, but Im leery of that too.
Anyway, thanks again. Good to be back.
As far as the bad situation that happened a long time ago, it's really the only confidential thing I have. On the one hand, I want to talk about it, but on the other, I worried what reaction Id get. But its definitely a big thing that makes me want to drink, so I feel its relevant to recovery (and AA). Maybe in confidence I can share, but Im leery of that too.
Anyway, thanks again. Good to be back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Bluedog
Welcome back. Take it one step at at time. The steps are in order for a reason...start with Step 1. The program tells us that we won't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. In other words, it helps us deal with fear. Willingness to open up to a higher power of your understanding will help with this stuff. But its one step at a time.
Is your relationship with your sister ok? Maybe you can agree to go to totally different meetings? And as far as sharing BIG stuff in meetings? Wait a while (unless you're totally compelled). I have found that the really personal stuff is best shared with a sponsor, counselor or close friend.
One day at a time.....
Welcome back. Take it one step at at time. The steps are in order for a reason...start with Step 1. The program tells us that we won't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. In other words, it helps us deal with fear. Willingness to open up to a higher power of your understanding will help with this stuff. But its one step at a time.
Is your relationship with your sister ok? Maybe you can agree to go to totally different meetings? And as far as sharing BIG stuff in meetings? Wait a while (unless you're totally compelled). I have found that the really personal stuff is best shared with a sponsor, counselor or close friend.
One day at a time.....
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Hey Bluedog
Welcome back. Take it one step at at time. The steps are in order for a reason...start with Step 1. The program tells us that we won't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. In other words, it helps us deal with fear. Willingness to open up to a higher power of your understanding will help with this stuff. But its one step at a time.
Is your relationship with your sister ok? Maybe you can agree to go to totally different meetings? And as far as sharing BIG stuff in meetings? Wait a while (unless you're totally compelled). I have found that the really personal stuff is best shared with a sponsor, counselor or close friend.
One day at a time.....
Welcome back. Take it one step at at time. The steps are in order for a reason...start with Step 1. The program tells us that we won't regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. In other words, it helps us deal with fear. Willingness to open up to a higher power of your understanding will help with this stuff. But its one step at a time.
Is your relationship with your sister ok? Maybe you can agree to go to totally different meetings? And as far as sharing BIG stuff in meetings? Wait a while (unless you're totally compelled). I have found that the really personal stuff is best shared with a sponsor, counselor or close friend.
One day at a time.....
As far as sharing, I feel I have so much junk bottled up Im afraid it may just come pouring out. Im reluctant to share at all. But one day at a time. Im only on day 1, Im going to stick close here the next few days till my mind clears. I think Im getting ahead of myself. It just worries me because I need to make a plan like Dee says. I need to formulate a plan and stick to it. That is going to be my goal over the next week. I appreciate the feedback from other who have had success staying sober. I need to stay accountable and remember what works and what doesn't work!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
There is no requirement that you share your most private secrets in the rooms of AA. As a matter of fact, that level of vulnerability could make you so uncomfortable/backfire that you might not feel safe returning to the group.
If you find a sponsor you truly trust, you might end up sharing fully with them. I share fully with my trusted therapist. There are many things I would never share with a random room of AA folks. Just like real life, the rooms of AA contain both honorable & dishonorable people.
I say this not to discourage AA attendance (the program has been an important part of my recovery), but because sharing without discernment can be dangerous & can alienate you from the very environment that you need for support.
You will learn to share with the people who can hold your secrets with compassion, but first you can enter the group and open up at a pace that is truly safe for you.
If you find a sponsor you truly trust, you might end up sharing fully with them. I share fully with my trusted therapist. There are many things I would never share with a random room of AA folks. Just like real life, the rooms of AA contain both honorable & dishonorable people.
I say this not to discourage AA attendance (the program has been an important part of my recovery), but because sharing without discernment can be dangerous & can alienate you from the very environment that you need for support.
You will learn to share with the people who can hold your secrets with compassion, but first you can enter the group and open up at a pace that is truly safe for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 240
((bluedog)) I understand the shame you are talking about. I lurked here for months before coming back this weekend and had the same feeling. I was ashamed to have relapsed and was afraid of being judged. I am very happy to say those feelings were unfounded. I have gotten nothing but welcoming words and encouragement. I think you did the right thing by coming back.
Keep posting here and you'll get tremendous support to help you with your plan.
Keep posting here and you'll get tremendous support to help you with your plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi bluedog and welcome back.
It sounds as though you feel like a hostage to this thing that happened in the past that you have kept secret and carefully guarded. Indeed, some things are very sensitive and private and they need to remain in the private domain. Is it possible to see a counselor regarding this. As a professional, a counselor is held to confidentiality and so that should be a safe place to be able to open and release the burden of holding it in for so long....
With regards to your sister: Have you talked with her about your concerns and discomfort? If you were to tell her how you feel about this, would she understand be more sensitive about it? The fact that she knows a lot of people in your town cannot be changed. But, she doesn't need to go around blabbing about stuff if that is what worries you. If she cannot respect your boundaries, I don't know where that leaves you. It sounds as though she does have a certain amount of control...and is hindering you from getting the help and support you could get from the AA program.
This is the same sister that was trying to tell you what to do and how to do it? I understand what it's like to have bossy controlling people in your life....it's dysfunctional. Maybe this dynamic got started long ago and she's been like that for so long she doesn't know any different; it's her modus operandi. Not excusing her or anything, but it sounds like she has a certain amount of power over you. That might be something to explore. People who try to control others often do so because there are areas of their life in which they feel powerless. So, they seek to control whatever it is they can.
It sounds as though you feel like a hostage to this thing that happened in the past that you have kept secret and carefully guarded. Indeed, some things are very sensitive and private and they need to remain in the private domain. Is it possible to see a counselor regarding this. As a professional, a counselor is held to confidentiality and so that should be a safe place to be able to open and release the burden of holding it in for so long....
With regards to your sister: Have you talked with her about your concerns and discomfort? If you were to tell her how you feel about this, would she understand be more sensitive about it? The fact that she knows a lot of people in your town cannot be changed. But, she doesn't need to go around blabbing about stuff if that is what worries you. If she cannot respect your boundaries, I don't know where that leaves you. It sounds as though she does have a certain amount of control...and is hindering you from getting the help and support you could get from the AA program.
This is the same sister that was trying to tell you what to do and how to do it? I understand what it's like to have bossy controlling people in your life....it's dysfunctional. Maybe this dynamic got started long ago and she's been like that for so long she doesn't know any different; it's her modus operandi. Not excusing her or anything, but it sounds like she has a certain amount of power over you. That might be something to explore. People who try to control others often do so because there are areas of their life in which they feel powerless. So, they seek to control whatever it is they can.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by bluedog97
....
Another problem is something that happened a very long time ago that Ive never been able to get over. I basically embarrassed myself very badly when I was young. I haunts me to this day. I am in therapy and it is helping but very painful.
Bottom line, I need to get alcohol out of my life for good. I drink to deal with the pain and regret and shame I feel for the past. I need to deal with it rather than self-medicate.
Another problem is something that happened a very long time ago that Ive never been able to get over. I basically embarrassed myself very badly when I was young. I haunts me to this day. I am in therapy and it is helping but very painful.
Bottom line, I need to get alcohol out of my life for good. I drink to deal with the pain and regret and shame I feel for the past. I need to deal with it rather than self-medicate.
You need to forgive yourself for the past mistakes. None of us are perfect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I'm currently struggling with "I would do x to take care of myself but I have this obscure conflict that prevents me from doing so" in several areas of my life. I was thinking today, well, feeling really more than thinking, that all of this is just taking up space in my head and isn't the obstacle I think it is. The way that translates to your story is... Talk to your sister. Or, just go anyway. If AA is a really good tool, which it is, consider using it despite any obstacle.
Like someone else said, you don't have to get vulnerable with the group straight away. And I would say that that is up to you, when, and how you do. I just read about Monica Lewinsky the other day, what she has had to go through for twenty years to navigate her past with most of the world hating her. I found it very inspiring.
Just meaning to say, congrats on getting sober again and welcome back. This stuff matters, a lot, but it isn't impossible and you can navigate it. You don't have to be held back from recovery. Many blessings.
B
Like someone else said, you don't have to get vulnerable with the group straight away. And I would say that that is up to you, when, and how you do. I just read about Monica Lewinsky the other day, what she has had to go through for twenty years to navigate her past with most of the world hating her. I found it very inspiring.
Just meaning to say, congrats on getting sober again and welcome back. This stuff matters, a lot, but it isn't impossible and you can navigate it. You don't have to be held back from recovery. Many blessings.
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
This has been a very helpful thread. All of your responses and welcoming back means so much. I agree, opening up too much in an AA meeting is not necessarily a wise thing. I guess it is a practice of finding a balance of sharing whats on your mind or whats bothering you without divulging too much. Some people can share too much but Im the opposite, reluctant to share much at all. Im much more comfortable posting here, which is very helpful. Maybe as I get more sobriety I can overcome my reluctance to share in meetings.
As far as my sister, she's one reason for my reluctance to share. But if I keep it general enough, maybe we can work around it and get a sponsor for the private stuff. I do see a therapist, which is helping. Im also contemplating the idea of rehab, but I need to explore my options.
Teetree, you are very accurate. I remember you from before! I have been held hostage to the thing from the past, Im trying desperately to let it go. I feel it defines me, or I allow it to define me. I am working with a therapist. Part of me feels letting the secret out could help it lose its power, or could backfire. That's the dilemma. If I could let it go it would be such a big step for me getting sober. Ive drank over this more times than I can count, and it never goes away. I do have a difficult relationship with my sister.
Bottom line, none of this is a reason to drink. Simply stopping drinking wont change any of this but I have to stay sober if I want to work on a solution. Thanks again for all the replies, huge help!
As far as my sister, she's one reason for my reluctance to share. But if I keep it general enough, maybe we can work around it and get a sponsor for the private stuff. I do see a therapist, which is helping. Im also contemplating the idea of rehab, but I need to explore my options.
Teetree, you are very accurate. I remember you from before! I have been held hostage to the thing from the past, Im trying desperately to let it go. I feel it defines me, or I allow it to define me. I am working with a therapist. Part of me feels letting the secret out could help it lose its power, or could backfire. That's the dilemma. If I could let it go it would be such a big step for me getting sober. Ive drank over this more times than I can count, and it never goes away. I do have a difficult relationship with my sister.
Bottom line, none of this is a reason to drink. Simply stopping drinking wont change any of this but I have to stay sober if I want to work on a solution. Thanks again for all the replies, huge help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
dWhat is it you think your sister would do with all her 'connections' in town? She loves you, right? I am assuming she does. So, if she loves you she should respect you and your right to privacy. She would respect your need for discretion.
It amazes me how many people really don't understand confidentiality, discretion and boundaries.
Anyways, it's good you have a therapist. He/she is bound professionally to a certain code of conduct, which includes keeping things confidential. It's not good to walk around all bottled up and stifled and feeling ashamed of something that happened so long ago. Setting yourself free is going to be important in your overall health, sanity, sobriety.
It amazes me how many people really don't understand confidentiality, discretion and boundaries.
Anyways, it's good you have a therapist. He/she is bound professionally to a certain code of conduct, which includes keeping things confidential. It's not good to walk around all bottled up and stifled and feeling ashamed of something that happened so long ago. Setting yourself free is going to be important in your overall health, sanity, sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I too am glad you're back and ready to feel better without alcohol. You can do it, as you know, and things will straighten out in time. An AA meeting doesn't offer much privacy for the burden you are carrying. Are you able to share the load with your counselor? If not, maybe a different therapist? Someone suggested writing, for yourself, as perhaps helpful. Stay close to SR, "we got your back!"
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
dWhat is it you think your sister would do with all her 'connections' in town? She loves you, right? I am assuming she does. So, if she loves you she should respect you and your right to privacy. She would respect your need for discretion.
It amazes me how many people really don't understand confidentiality, discretion and boundaries.
Anyways, it's good you have a therapist. He/she is bound professionally to a certain code of conduct, which includes keeping things confidential. It's not good to walk around all bottled up and stifled and feeling ashamed of something that happened so long ago. Setting yourself free is going to be important in your overall health, sanity, sobriety.
It amazes me how many people really don't understand confidentiality, discretion and boundaries.
Anyways, it's good you have a therapist. He/she is bound professionally to a certain code of conduct, which includes keeping things confidential. It's not good to walk around all bottled up and stifled and feeling ashamed of something that happened so long ago. Setting yourself free is going to be important in your overall health, sanity, sobriety.
And youre right about setting myself free. Its not an easy task. Ill continue to work with my therapist. Im going to tread carefully about finding a sponsor this time. I rushed into it before and it hasn't worked out. Im going to rely heavily on SR in the meantime. Like I've said, it's good to be back.
Ive got a lot of work to do, mainly on myself. That is a part of recovery that Ive brushed aside before. Thinking I can just give up alcohol and everything is going to be rosy. I think I have some amends to make, which is a big hurdle.
Main thing, just need to stay sober for now and continue to develop a plan. Im just grateful to be here. Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I don't know all the history of your relationship with your sister. Maybe at one time you depended heavily on one another and that forged a type of bond...It's funny how some of those close to us can exert power over us "because they are family".; because of the bonds of family. Boundaries within families can be invaded perhaps the easiest because, well, just the dynamics of being family. Also, they can be free with their 'advice' and it may or may not be good advice and may not be in YOUR best interest.
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