Something has to change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Something has to change
I've been a hard drinker for about 14 years now. Pint of vodka + per day. Every day. I'm highly functional. Never drink at work. Just evenings. Can't get through an evening without it. Nobody knows I drink this much. I hide it by just having a glass of wine in my hand.
I constantly have feelings of failure, doom, impending death, letting my wife and children down. They deserve much better than me.
Got a call from my doctor that my liver enzymes have been consistently high over that last year and I need to come in for an ultrasound. I think I've really done it this time. I use to think I was a good person, but now I don't think so at all. I've literally tried to quit every day of my life for the last 14 years. I don't know what will make today different, but it has to be different. Maybe joining this group will help.
I constantly have feelings of failure, doom, impending death, letting my wife and children down. They deserve much better than me.
Got a call from my doctor that my liver enzymes have been consistently high over that last year and I need to come in for an ultrasound. I think I've really done it this time. I use to think I was a good person, but now I don't think so at all. I've literally tried to quit every day of my life for the last 14 years. I don't know what will make today different, but it has to be different. Maybe joining this group will help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You're not highly functional.
You just don't realize how much more highly you are capable of and meant to be functioning.
You are here for so much more than merely to anesthetise yourself daily until you gradually kill yourself.
Something doesn't HAVE to change. Like far too many before you, you can carry on this 'high functioning' illusion into the despairing depths and waste your life.
But something CAN change if you choose it. You can move into a brighter stage of life and discover the heights at which you are truly here to function and you can leave this haze nonsense behind for something so much greater.
It's all up to you.
You just don't realize how much more highly you are capable of and meant to be functioning.
You are here for so much more than merely to anesthetise yourself daily until you gradually kill yourself.
Something doesn't HAVE to change. Like far too many before you, you can carry on this 'high functioning' illusion into the despairing depths and waste your life.
But something CAN change if you choose it. You can move into a brighter stage of life and discover the heights at which you are truly here to function and you can leave this haze nonsense behind for something so much greater.
It's all up to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Thanks. I really appreciate the response. Made me cry like a baby.
I really want this. I just have to break out of the cycle of my car driving on autopilot to the liquor store no matter how badly I want not to. I realize that I could be so much more for everyone if I could break free.
So this is it. I'm not leaving the house for the next 2 days. By Monday I will have some momentum.
I really want this. I just have to break out of the cycle of my car driving on autopilot to the liquor store no matter how badly I want not to. I realize that I could be so much more for everyone if I could break free.
So this is it. I'm not leaving the house for the next 2 days. By Monday I will have some momentum.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I was in the very same place - right down to the autopilot to the liquor store - three years ago.
Do you also talk aloud to yourself? 'What are you DOING?? No, no, no..... you don't need booze.... ah screw it. Quit tomorrow'.
Oh how many of those ended in my waking the next morning from another blackout.
Thought I was highly functioning too.
Wow..... how different it all looks in the rear view mirror. How much more beautiful this life is now.
Give yourself the greatest Christmas present ever; choose to embrace sobriety and watch how high you'll climb.
Do you also talk aloud to yourself? 'What are you DOING?? No, no, no..... you don't need booze.... ah screw it. Quit tomorrow'.
Oh how many of those ended in my waking the next morning from another blackout.
Thought I was highly functioning too.
Wow..... how different it all looks in the rear view mirror. How much more beautiful this life is now.
Give yourself the greatest Christmas present ever; choose to embrace sobriety and watch how high you'll climb.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by mangoman 
I use to think I was a good person, but now I don't think so at all.
You just need to have a little faith in yourself and some encouragement. That's where we come in. :-)
So glad you're here -- better times are ahead, truly!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome mangoman. Sometime in order to change we need to let others help. Addiction is a very strong force, and trying to stop on your own just by willpower is very difficult. Coming here to reach out for help is a great first step, you will meet many who have been in a similar situation or even worse who have successfully quit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Thanks for the support, everyone! It means a lot right now. I wish I was in a situation where I could just tell everyone around me what I'm going through, but I can't. Not now.
I'm very grateful this group exists.
I'm very grateful this group exists.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
something to do, while you're not leaving the house.....
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
**Linked with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous International.
No matter what you may think about AA - I hope you'll consider giving this thing a read. It costs you nothing. It is a direct and tangible ACTION in support of sobriety. It will give you insights you don't currently have. The personal accounts in the second half of the book will offer you images of actual fellow humans whose actual journeys will remind you of your own......
I am not an AA convert, zealot or even committed disciple..... but I have attended many an AA meeting, done step work in my own way, and learned a great deal from the program that has helped to gain and keep my rich, abundant life of sobriety.
It became an invaluable tool to me in my journey to a better life of ACTUAL high functioning and I offer you the action of honoring your desire and choice for a better life with a clear, simple, accessible action you can start on RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
**Linked with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous International.
No matter what you may think about AA - I hope you'll consider giving this thing a read. It costs you nothing. It is a direct and tangible ACTION in support of sobriety. It will give you insights you don't currently have. The personal accounts in the second half of the book will offer you images of actual fellow humans whose actual journeys will remind you of your own......
I am not an AA convert, zealot or even committed disciple..... but I have attended many an AA meeting, done step work in my own way, and learned a great deal from the program that has helped to gain and keep my rich, abundant life of sobriety.
It became an invaluable tool to me in my journey to a better life of ACTUAL high functioning and I offer you the action of honoring your desire and choice for a better life with a clear, simple, accessible action you can start on RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I was in the very same place - right down to the autopilot to the liquor store - three years ago.
Do you also talk aloud to yourself? 'What are you DOING?? No, no, no..... you don't need booze.... ah screw it. Quit tomorrow'.
Oh how many of those ended in my waking the next morning from another blackout.
Do you also talk aloud to yourself? 'What are you DOING?? No, no, no..... you don't need booze.... ah screw it. Quit tomorrow'.
Oh how many of those ended in my waking the next morning from another blackout.
And yes, I yell and scream while I drive straight to the L store. Couple times I've even gotten a moment of inspiration on the way home and chucked the bottle out the window....only to turn the car around and drive back to the L store again. I can't even look those folks in the eye. What they must think of me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome.
There are lots of things that can change. Identifying them is a good idea. But not as good an idea as doing them. I tried lots of plans and lists and thinking. But in the end I needed to take responsibility, accept that no one could do it for me, and do those things that I really didn't want to do to make the changes. Why? Because I really didn't like the person I'd become. I was full of shame and disgust with myself. And the worst thing was that no one understood because they only knew the outer facade that I carefully constructed to hide my inner self. It's a desperately lonely place to be. Clancy, an AA speaker, talks about that disparity between (supposedly) 'high functioning' alcoholic's Insides and Outsides as being the major cause for suicide in alcoholics (something he claims he never saw in the low-bottom alcoholics who he worked with in his recovery).
Anyway. I'm glad you found us. High functioning or not. This place (alongside AA) really helped / helps me to maintain sobriety and work on my recovery.
I don't know if you have seen Dee's thread about making a plan as you've looked at the threads. It's a good one to explore thoroughly. Most of us need a good plan if we're going to stop our Alcoholic Drinking and challenge our Alcoholic Thinking. I always thought of myself as pretty smart. It was a mystery to me why, as someone who knew pretty much everything (haha) with an Oxbridge degree and postgraduate certificate couldn't suss out this sober living (well, in my ignorance, moderation is what I aimed at really in the beginning) malarkey. Turns out that I'd been concentrating on learning interesting stuff valued by employers and academics, but not the really important things that I needed to know and understand if I'm going to find balance and do serenity. My recovery has been a time of learning, re-evaluation and adjusting my perspective. And I can honestly say that what I've learned in the last couple of years in recovery is far more important than all the stuff that I learned in the 4 years I studied at uni.
This is Dee's thread... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html
Stick around and keep reading and posting. Maybe look into what is available in your area as far as support and recovery goes and investigate (by going along) the diffrent options when you can (AA meetings tend to carry on over the holidays - I shall be opening up my local one on Sunday evening as usual - as it is often when we most need the support and understanding of other alcoholics). Oh, and be wary of the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired) which can make staying sober especially difficult.
Wishing you all the best for sobriety and your recovery. BB
There are lots of things that can change. Identifying them is a good idea. But not as good an idea as doing them. I tried lots of plans and lists and thinking. But in the end I needed to take responsibility, accept that no one could do it for me, and do those things that I really didn't want to do to make the changes. Why? Because I really didn't like the person I'd become. I was full of shame and disgust with myself. And the worst thing was that no one understood because they only knew the outer facade that I carefully constructed to hide my inner self. It's a desperately lonely place to be. Clancy, an AA speaker, talks about that disparity between (supposedly) 'high functioning' alcoholic's Insides and Outsides as being the major cause for suicide in alcoholics (something he claims he never saw in the low-bottom alcoholics who he worked with in his recovery).
Anyway. I'm glad you found us. High functioning or not. This place (alongside AA) really helped / helps me to maintain sobriety and work on my recovery.
I don't know if you have seen Dee's thread about making a plan as you've looked at the threads. It's a good one to explore thoroughly. Most of us need a good plan if we're going to stop our Alcoholic Drinking and challenge our Alcoholic Thinking. I always thought of myself as pretty smart. It was a mystery to me why, as someone who knew pretty much everything (haha) with an Oxbridge degree and postgraduate certificate couldn't suss out this sober living (well, in my ignorance, moderation is what I aimed at really in the beginning) malarkey. Turns out that I'd been concentrating on learning interesting stuff valued by employers and academics, but not the really important things that I needed to know and understand if I'm going to find balance and do serenity. My recovery has been a time of learning, re-evaluation and adjusting my perspective. And I can honestly say that what I've learned in the last couple of years in recovery is far more important than all the stuff that I learned in the 4 years I studied at uni.
This is Dee's thread... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html
Stick around and keep reading and posting. Maybe look into what is available in your area as far as support and recovery goes and investigate (by going along) the diffrent options when you can (AA meetings tend to carry on over the holidays - I shall be opening up my local one on Sunday evening as usual - as it is often when we most need the support and understanding of other alcoholics). Oh, and be wary of the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired) which can make staying sober especially difficult.
Wishing you all the best for sobriety and your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hi Mangoman! You CAN do this, my friend. Many of us have, many more will, including you! Unfortunately, others won't, and this disease will kill them. You've taken a great first step by posting here!
I won't even begin to project myself on you or tell you how to quit, but I can tell you that I went years wanting to just admit to my fiance that I had a really massive drinking problem, but I was too proud to admit such a massive 'weakness.' Also, I knew that if I made such an admission I would never be able to drink again, and a life without booze was incomprehensible to me. So instead of admitting that I had a disease, I just went deeper into hiding and made various half-ass attempts to cut back. Of course, the disease doesn't allow for cutting back, it demands more and more and more. Ultimately, laying myself bare to my fiance probably saved my life. Not only was she supportive, but it provided her with an explanation for my crazy-ass behavior and pervasive deceit. An added benefit is that, having admitted to those closest to me that I am an alcoholic serves as a strong deterrent for me. Now, instead of my perceived "weakness" being this disease, my perception is that I would be weak if I took that first drink. While this weakness/macho crap is probably not advocated by medical experts, it works for me and that is plenty good for me.
Good luck. I've only been posting here for a couple of days but it seems like there are a lot of fantastic, supportive, and non-judgmental people around here.
I won't even begin to project myself on you or tell you how to quit, but I can tell you that I went years wanting to just admit to my fiance that I had a really massive drinking problem, but I was too proud to admit such a massive 'weakness.' Also, I knew that if I made such an admission I would never be able to drink again, and a life without booze was incomprehensible to me. So instead of admitting that I had a disease, I just went deeper into hiding and made various half-ass attempts to cut back. Of course, the disease doesn't allow for cutting back, it demands more and more and more. Ultimately, laying myself bare to my fiance probably saved my life. Not only was she supportive, but it provided her with an explanation for my crazy-ass behavior and pervasive deceit. An added benefit is that, having admitted to those closest to me that I am an alcoholic serves as a strong deterrent for me. Now, instead of my perceived "weakness" being this disease, my perception is that I would be weak if I took that first drink. While this weakness/macho crap is probably not advocated by medical experts, it works for me and that is plenty good for me.
Good luck. I've only been posting here for a couple of days but it seems like there are a lot of fantastic, supportive, and non-judgmental people around here.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
So much great advice here...so all I want to say is that addiction thrives on self-loathing and exhaustion. It means you are too tired and think you are too unworthy to put up any kind of a fight and it deludes us into thinking alcohol is a solution instead of the problem....so five o'clock rolls around and the vicious circle continues.
You don't have to stay a prisoner. It's not easy, but neither is staying inside the cage.
You can do this.
You don't have to stay a prisoner. It's not easy, but neither is staying inside the cage.
You can do this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
mango you might be setting yourself up for failure if you just go the white-knuckle route without support. The will to stop is there, but your body and your mind are going to be screaming for the alcohol you've been feeding them every night. I know, I've been there.
I'm not saying don't stop now, but please give yourself a chance to succeed. I spoke to my doctor, and the support helped even though he didn't do much. I stocked my house up with alternative drinks, and nice food I could use as a substitute. I started walking after work, targeting the time when I craved wine the most. Also bought a fresh juice to give myself a carb boost. Another tip was not to let myself get too hungry, so I would have a mid-afternoon snack, and eat dinner early.
All little steps, designed to change habits and reduce cravings. They added up to success when I'd tried many times previously just to go cold turkey.
I'm not saying don't stop now, but please give yourself a chance to succeed. I spoke to my doctor, and the support helped even though he didn't do much. I stocked my house up with alternative drinks, and nice food I could use as a substitute. I started walking after work, targeting the time when I craved wine the most. Also bought a fresh juice to give myself a carb boost. Another tip was not to let myself get too hungry, so I would have a mid-afternoon snack, and eat dinner early.
All little steps, designed to change habits and reduce cravings. They added up to success when I'd tried many times previously just to go cold turkey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I used to wake in the morning and tell myself that today I won't drink. Usually within an hour or two at the most I had a drink in my hand.
Be kind to yourself, your family and your liver (nothing to play with) -- time to be mature and sober.
Good luck and stay close.
M-Bob
Be kind to yourself, your family and your liver (nothing to play with) -- time to be mature and sober.
Good luck and stay close.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by mangoman
That's crazy. You nailed it. Every day starts with "I'm quitting", and then there is a switch around 5PM where I tell myself, "I'm going to do such a better job of quitting tomorrow. Tomorrow everything will be right. Might as well celebrate my future sobriety with a fifth tonight"
And yes, I yell and scream while I drive straight to the L store. Couple times I've even gotten a moment of inspiration on the way home and chucked the bottle out the window....only to turn the car around and drive back to the L store again. I can't even look those folks in the eye. What they must think of me.
And yes, I yell and scream while I drive straight to the L store. Couple times I've even gotten a moment of inspiration on the way home and chucked the bottle out the window....only to turn the car around and drive back to the L store again. I can't even look those folks in the eye. What they must think of me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Essex County New Jersey
Posts: 140
Hello Mangoman ! I am also at the beginning of this sober journey. I have been really encouraged to read the stories of people who have achieved lasting change and sobriety - (there is a section of the forum called "Stories of Recovery") reading other people's experiences has encouraged me that I can do it as well.
If you have a moment, click over to the Stories of Recovery section of the forum and check out the most recent thread by Melinda Flowers. (hope it's okay to recommend that). I was really moved by her story (which was really well written as well) - then check out the stories of other members who have gotten and stayed sober (there are so many good ones). Very inspiring. It helps to know that, although it won't be easy, there are others who have been where we are and made the change. We can do this!
If you have a moment, click over to the Stories of Recovery section of the forum and check out the most recent thread by Melinda Flowers. (hope it's okay to recommend that). I was really moved by her story (which was really well written as well) - then check out the stories of other members who have gotten and stayed sober (there are so many good ones). Very inspiring. It helps to know that, although it won't be easy, there are others who have been where we are and made the change. We can do this!
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