Day 1 x 10,000
 

Hello friends,

So, sorry for the sarcasm in the title, but it does feel like I'm starting again for the 10,000th time!

I have been AA a few times, but didn't stick with it.
I have tried giving my wallet over to my wife on Friday.. but I took it back
I feel like I need to be restrained on Friday.. like with handcuffs or something LOL.

I'm just so tired of trying and failing. I don't know if I'm a suitable candidate for rehab. I only binge on the weekends.

However, I did binge last night because I wanted to get in as much beer as possible before 2017... if that makes sense.

I literally feel so terrible now.. physically. But the cravings will be back in a couple of days.

So, we are on the cusp of 2017. I really want to make this a sober year. But the AV is so so so powerful.

Lately I've started texting people on facebook while drinking. Deleted my account last week. Things are getting out of hand.

I have proclaimed to friends and family 'I have quit drinking' so many times that if I tell them again they will roll their eyes.

So. This is where I'm at on Friday morning. Bleary eyed and typing this at work.

Thanks for listening:dee

Been there my friend... You know you have a problem, so you're trying. For me Day 3 and Day 4 were always the worst. Day1/2 I felt like junk, so and it was easy as a reminder not to drink, didn't want to ever feel like that again. Day3/4, I felt better, I was fine, I can drink, it's no problem. Back to Day1/2... :( I too was a binge drinker, didn't drink during the week. I know now binge drinker just basically is a time for the proper term for me, Alcoholic.

I saved this the last day 1 I had, I typed it in a notepad window and kept reading it over and over again:

Do you remember that horrid acrid smell when sleeping? The itching? The sleeplessness? The feeling of failure and depression? The thought of not remembering what you did? YOU DO NOT WANT THAT BACK, EVER. IT’S NOT WORTH IT, YOU DRUNK.

Kind of straight and to the point, isn't it? I read it every morning now. Maybe on your last day one today, make yourself a note for the future, sober you?

We're here for you!

hello drash,

sure, that all makes sense in that screwed up irrational alcoholic way of sense.
the wantingo get in as much beer as possible before a, b, c or k happens...yes, been there done that. worse than ridiculous, and doesn't "work".

getting really engaged with sober others, listening to what worked for them or didn't, being willing to sit in discomfort and looking at that and myself, doing lots of reading on how others had done it, doing stuff I figured would cement in my sobriety even when I didn't want to doit...just some of the things I did that helped me lots initially.

as far as AV, there are ways to deal with it, and lots of conversations and explanations about it farther down in the Secular Connections forum.

and of course there are programs such as 12step, or SMART, .......other than coming here, what are you willing to do and planning to do?

I've been there. I quit and started again countless times. I was going to make New Year's Eve 2013-14 my last night of drinking, but got so hammered on Christmas Eve that I sucked a few on Christmas and one more the next day to take the edge off and that was that. Instead of doing New Year's, I hid out. I kind of disappeared for a month or so and just read and meditated and made a recovery plan. When I emerged from my whole of angst and anxiety and bewilderment I was afraid to tell people I had quit. I didn't want to be a failure in my own or others' eyes yet again. Then I just kind of avoided drinking scenes for a bit. Little by little people started realizing I wasn't drinking. I kept meditating. I went to some AA meetings that made me want to get drunk. I learned to avoid them, too. But I made friends on SR, and eventually braved playing music in the old bars where I used to play - but I no longer drank. I still don't drink. I was just sick of it. Sick of hangovers and feeling like crap and wondering who I had pissed off. Sick of feeling like a loser.

But it can be done. Now with 3 years under my belt I plan to go to a party this Saturday - I'll be sober and I'll be fine with it. People will try to get me to drink and I'll just laugh. If I can do it after decades of drugs and drunkenness, anybody can.

But make a plan. I poo-pooed the spirituality thing in AA, but they were right about needing spirituality. For me it has nothing to do with God. I needed a practice. Meditation became my practice. It's what I did when I had cravings. It's what I did when I was in pain. It's what I did when the self-loathing would rear its ugly head. And it's what I do now to reduce my own suffering and to wish for the suffering of all beings to cease. And I act on it.

You'll find your path. You'll find your mojo. Hang in there. Visit the forum when you're tempted if that helps. Peace...

Drash, glad you are here!

If you get sober for good, you never have to feel this bad again. :)

Welcome back Drash :)

If AA's out what's your plan? just SR?

If thats so, I really recommend you use the heck out of the site - post daily, or more than that - maybe join the December support thread and post there too?

D

Thank you Dee74,

When I went to AA I felt contempt for the people there. I really cant say why. Like I felt I was better than them, and they were really naïve to buy into all this 'humbly ask God for help' business.

I think that's why I failed. I just couldn't surrender. I know I have this problem so why cant I surrender? I'll have to contemplate that.

So.. I'm going to give AA another try. 90 meetings in 90 days even if it kills me. I can't complain if I don't at least try right?

Dear readers, please don't be offended for what I've just written about AA. I know it's helped millions. I'm the egotistical know it all who's still a drunk.

Peace

I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you are developing a plan. :)

It took me a hell of a lot of day 1's and i cant say for sure there wont be another but i have only drank once in 6 months and hell do i feel good moree than i feel miserable in every way.

Welcome back Drash

Welcome back drash.

I get you, about getting plenty to drink before 2017. But it's never enough is it!

I found a lot of help on SR, practically lived here, learning and understanding. Reading others experiences who I could relate to and gathering the right 'tools' to keep me sober.

Lol. Don't worry. That's just normal. If you stick around and listen, you'll find that most people felt just that way then they first started as well. My ego definitely still wanted to run the show for a long time when I first went to AA - although somehow I managed to not drink, I wouldn't have said I learned much. For some people it takes a relapse, others (like me) getting to the stage that everything seems so hopeless that there is finally no other option.

Just remember, attending meetings is not the program in itself Honest - I sat in meetings for 6 months waiting for the sober fairy to come sprinkle me with her recovery dust. That was never gonna happen. When they say "it works if you work it", the clue is in the repetition. In any AA literature, if a word is repeated, that has been done intentionally. Bill W did not like using the same word more than once, hence some of the unusual words and phrases in the BB, even for his era. So if thee word work is there twice in one sentence, it's because we need to do just that.

So. I finally realised that I needed to stop sneering, and start working. If i needed to get 'stupid' for this stuff to work for me, then so be it. I was finally willing. Willing to do the work. Willing to change my thinking (even if actually, as a pretty bright button (hahahaha) I couldn't see how that could really be my problem).

Nowadays I think of AA as stool. If i want the program to keep me safe and secure, I need all three legs of the stool to be firm. Recovery, Unity, and Service. It isn't by accident that those three words are on the symbol for AA. There is the 12-step program (Recovery) . There are the meetings and extended support (Unity). And there is getting off our butts and doing stuff for others that we could easily get away with not doing (Service) - and you don't need an official service position or sponsor to be doing service. Turn up early and put some chairs out, help with the coffee, empty the bin at the end - and while we're doing service something quite unexpected and magical start to happen - we start to see past our fear and ego, which is often at the root of our contempt and inner-sneering towards others. If you don't believe me, just try it for a few weeks and see for yourself.

Anyway. That turned into a longer response than I'd intended, so sorry for the ramble.

Glad you made if back, and wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Have you tried to stop trying to stop.... and instead started trying to start?

Instead of 'trying to quit'.

Choose to start being sober.

AA might not have stuck because you might not have yet chosen to be sober.

AA never stuck for me either when I was 'trying to quit'.

But when I chose to Be Sober.... AA became one of my strongest tools.

You can do it. Start 2017 early. Right now. Choose A Sober Life.

What berrybean said!!! x 10,000

Glad you are here- and as another AAer who came beyond kicking and screaming into the rooms, and has found it saved my life, the 90 and 90 is a great idea....getting in the habit of going is part of the why there, and as bb said the more important part is working a program. Listen, sit, learn. Give it a chance.

Good luck.

Recovery is not a proclamation. It's a mindset and lifestyle that supports your decision to get and remain sober. If you still have a drinking mindset, you'll drink. If you aren't doing anything to learn to cope with life alcohol free...you'll drink.

Commit to quitting. For good!

I think the idea of AA is a good one. Not everyone can quit on their own. You've struggled with that. But meetings aren't the program of AA. The steps are. I hope you glean that from the meetings.

As for dealing with the AV, anyone who has gotten sober has dealt with the AV. Yours is no stronger than anyone else's. You just haven't learned how to deal with it. Read up on AVRT.
Good luck.

Welcome back Drash!! :)

I have told myself that I was going to stop the madness and quit drinking hundreds of times over the last 27 years.

I finally did it 67 days ago.

This time I truly wanted to quit. Up until this last time I was only fooling myself.