Relationship Advice Needed
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Lombard
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Relationship Advice Needed
So, I have been sober for over a year now & a guy from one of my meetings & I have been talking in & out of meetings. I'm really interested in him but he has some definite personal issues to sort through in this life. He has talked a little about them but not in full disclosure. What I do know is that he is in an unhealthy relationship & looking to move out of the house they share most likely after the holidays. I know what you are saying...why am I even talking to him but honestly it just started with AA support, sending good articles to read, Thought for the Day type stuff, etc...now we are messaging more. With some of the messaging, it is obvious that we are both attracted to one another. I think after I see him (hopefully) tomorrow night at a meeting, I need to tell him that he should probably sort through his own personal issues before we can move on any further, if he even wants or has any intentions to. I would never be "that" girl that gets involved with a man that is otherwise engaged in a relationship. Talking is one thing but any further action is not appropriate nor something I would ever do. I get excited to receive his messages & believe he does with mine, as well. Plus I don't even know what his expectations are, etc...I'm starting to get a little too wrapped up in this, more than I had ever anticipated.
I guess I just need help determining how to handle all of this.
Thank you in advance for your support & advice.
I guess I just need help determining how to handle all of this.
Thank you in advance for your support & advice.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Look, you're clearly a smart person and your instincts are excellent. Why not listen to them?
I get the thrill, I really do, but it can become just another addiction really fast and the fact that he hasn't resolved his relationship is a big red flag. My question is always okay, he says they're on the way out...does she know? Seems like it's news to the other party a remarkably high percentage of the time.
I get the thrill, I really do, but it can become just another addiction really fast and the fact that he hasn't resolved his relationship is a big red flag. My question is always okay, he says they're on the way out...does she know? Seems like it's news to the other party a remarkably high percentage of the time.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I wish I had a nickel for every guy I've ever met who is, "In a relationship but it's over...They are just roommates...She has never understood me...You are the perfect woman...I wish I'd met you first...I can talk to you so easily...I am moving out/getting a divorce soon."
You know what you know. There are plenty of single guys. Unless you're still hooked on drama.
You know what you know. There are plenty of single guys. Unless you're still hooked on drama.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Look, you're clearly a smart person and your instincts are excellent. Why not listen to them?
I get the thrill, I really do, but it can become just another addiction really fast and the fact that he hasn't resolved his relationship is a big red flag. My question is always okay, he says they're on the way out...does she know? Seems like it's news to the other party a remarkably high percentage of the time.
I get the thrill, I really do, but it can become just another addiction really fast and the fact that he hasn't resolved his relationship is a big red flag. My question is always okay, he says they're on the way out...does she know? Seems like it's news to the other party a remarkably high percentage of the time.
This is so hard, I didn't date the entire past year & this is the closest I've come to it...sad but true...
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I wish I had a nickel for every guy I've ever met who is, "In a relationship but it's over...They are just roommates...She has never understood me...You are the perfect woman...I wish I'd met you first...I can talk to you so easily...I am moving out/getting a divorce soon."
You know what you know. There are plenty of single guys. Unless you're still hooked on drama.
You know what you know. There are plenty of single guys. Unless you're still hooked on drama.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
I agree with Maud and others, it does feel good to be attracted and attractive. You say you will tell him he should "probably" sort through issues, yes he should but "definitely," work is the operative word. Great work so far, you sound like you make good reflective choices now!
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Maybe his "roommate" got hold of his phone...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Hi and welcome recoverylady2 
Although some part of you may fear this is the 'last cab off the rank', I'd doubt it
There is a guy and a relationship out there, somewhere, waiting for you - when you're ready. It won't have all this drama
D
This is so hard, I didn't date the entire past year & this is the closest I've come to it...sad but true...
There is a guy and a relationship out there, somewhere, waiting for you - when you're ready. It won't have all this drama
D
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'd suggest keeping AA and dating completely separate. Recovery is far too important to risk. If he has 6 years I'd suggest that he should be applying his program to his love life. Honesty and integrity. Stick with the womenfolk for support and inspirational texts for a bit, and if you really want to start the dating game then lean into your fear and go for it - outside of the rooms! Maybe start up some new hobbies where you can meet some people with shared interests, or try a dating site where you can specify that you'd prefer non-drinkers.
It's very easy to start feeling close to people we meet in the rooms. After all, we get to know regulars at our home group very well ovr time, and we can have a lot of admiration for what they have achieved in sobriety, turning their lives around and helping others. But we need the rooms to be a safe place for us. If we start romantic entanglements and it goes sour, what then? Sometimes that risk might seem quite low, but in this case it seems a high risk option.
It may seem old fashioned, but there are very good reasons for the advice of men sticking with men, and women sticking with women as far as sponsorship and contact outside the rooms goes. It can so easily lead to gossip, hurt feelings, jealousy etc. Even though nothing has happened so far, if this man's partner saw his texts to you, she could easily feel jealous and hurt. Who knows what the cause of their current difficulties are - perhaps this is 'normal' behaviour for him. What does your sponsor say about it? (And if you're keeping it from your sponsor, that speaks volumes about what your HP is trying to tell you and you don't want to acknowledge. )
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
It's very easy to start feeling close to people we meet in the rooms. After all, we get to know regulars at our home group very well ovr time, and we can have a lot of admiration for what they have achieved in sobriety, turning their lives around and helping others. But we need the rooms to be a safe place for us. If we start romantic entanglements and it goes sour, what then? Sometimes that risk might seem quite low, but in this case it seems a high risk option.
It may seem old fashioned, but there are very good reasons for the advice of men sticking with men, and women sticking with women as far as sponsorship and contact outside the rooms goes. It can so easily lead to gossip, hurt feelings, jealousy etc. Even though nothing has happened so far, if this man's partner saw his texts to you, she could easily feel jealous and hurt. Who knows what the cause of their current difficulties are - perhaps this is 'normal' behaviour for him. What does your sponsor say about it? (And if you're keeping it from your sponsor, that speaks volumes about what your HP is trying to tell you and you don't want to acknowledge. )
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by recoverylady2
lol...he said "it's out of my control"...you know it's been over 2 weeks, you would think IF he wanted to see me again...he would have...
What a load of BS..."it's out of my control".....ummm, really? No way, man, I've heard that line before and ... been there, done that, got the teeshirt and learned a very very hard lesson about the "other" girlfriend I didn't know about who practically accosted me on campus one day and threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stop dating HER boyfriend. Yes, "her" boyfriend. She basically said, "He's mine and you need to leave him alone. He talks about you all the time and is crazy about you and I can't take it!" Then she said she would kill herself if he broke up with her. She came to my house too and then called him from my house and then he shows up at my house and starts YELLING at her to get out of my house and leave me alone....it was a very ugly scene....and they were going at each other while I sat there in utter shock because I didn't even know she existed...
Okay......................
I generally encourage people to run from any kind of love triangle. It's bad news....
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