Ustacallmelola

Ugh! I decided to say something to my husband about what I am trying to do. He had no idea what I was talking about! I just cannot spell this out for him. It would not be good for me right now to see the worry in his face or disappointment if I tell him how much I lie. I cannot risk what that would do to me. Am I THAT good and deceiving him? Is he really that Naive?? I begged him not to pretend this is not happening. He actually looked confused! His wife is a raging drunk and I feel like he has no idea!

It looks like I am on my own for now. He does not drink at all so I am not at risk or anything. It just boggles my mind.

Conquest

Hi Lola! I hear you, experiencing similar stuff myself. And I admire your courage to be so open and honest with him. Even if he is clueless to your internal struggles, he'll surely see the benefits when your shoulders are lighter from carrying the burden of hiding it. Wishing you all the best

Forward12

I would perhaps open up to him the truth, rather than keep on lying about your problem as that will just keep making things worse.
I was very good at hiding my alcoholism as well. I could be completely hammered, yet still act normal. Also non-alcoholics like friends and family you may look to for support, but unless they were alcoholics themselves, likely have no clue how to offer it.
Outlets like this site, AA, addiction counseling, etc are your best bets.

STDragon

When I talked to my wife (Also a non-drinker) I was somewhat surprised that she didn't know as much as I thought she should have. I hid my drinking yes, but there were so many signs....

Dee74

I think it's hard for some non alcoholics to understand. It would be nice if our loved ones 'got it' but it's not always so.

Doesn't mean that we can't get sober

Fortunately we have places like this full of people who understand

D

entropy1964

I think it's important to be very honest in recovery. But it doesn't have to happen in a day. You didn't become an alcoholic overnight....maybe breath. Focus on your recovery for you. Be honest with yourself about what you are, who you are. It is easy to deny or rationalize. Just stay sober and be honest each day. Your actions will speak louder than any words.

I might suggest that maybe the husband is in a bit of denial himself? Raging alcoholics are usually somewhat noticable

flg1412

Lola honey, I was married to a man for 19 years, now divorced for 7. He has been in recovery for 2 years now and recently while working his steps he told me he drank every day since the day I met him. I didn't drink then and it took me 17 years to find out. So yes it is possible for the one you love not to know.
I'm sure those with more experience and wisdom will give you advice on how to deal with this but I just wanted you to know that it is possible to not know.

kintsugi

I wanted to be it all. I wanted to be a great leader at work, an active community member, an awesome mom and a loving wife, and I wanted it to look effortless. And when I succeeded, I felt really betrayed because it was like 'why doesn't anyone care? They have to know and are just comfortable with me falling apart If it makes their lives easier.

My husband was also totally clueless. But it was my fault. I actively covered it up. I went to lengths to hide it. A lot of people don't go looking for problems if there doesn't seem to be any problems.

It wasn't that he didn't care. I was the one drinking in secret, going to extreme measures to cover up any signs that I had been drinking ( perfume in my mouth, hiding bottles everywhere, passing out in the shower for an hour then claiming I was just 'relaxing', making excuses for my clumsiness etc). It's not his role to constantly question if I'm lying to him.

I know coming totally clean is scary. You want them to just pick up the clues and help. It felt a threat to my digitiy and his feelings when I first decided to tell him, and I spent a long time weighing the pros and cons.

From what I can tell, my case was very rare. My husband supported me 100%, no conditions and no belittling and any hurt feelings he had (which I'm sure he had) he dealt with without making me feel like garbage. I've read a lot of horror stories about confronting this issue with your spouse, but it's worth being honest. Tell him exactly what's happening, what your triggers are, why you couldn't bring yourself to tell him, and how you can't do this alone. Being very vulnerable to someone you trust is sometimes the best way to build things up again.

Good luck!

Berrybean

Reminds me of my partner. Now, 2.5 years into sobriety he's very, very grateful that I am sober and working a program of recovery. Occasionally something will happen and my reaction to it will give him a little wow moment and he'll say "it's great you stayed calm then, you would have done / said X Y Z before!" A friend in recovery mentioned that I (supposedly ) nevr struggle with my temper and it's 'easy' for me. His eyebrows shot up and he said that she should come talk to him about what I used to be like. He was kind of blind to the problem back then, but he sure doesn't want to go back to it again today.

I had to adopt the attitude that this was my recovery, not his, and he didn't need to understand it. And I had to accept that it wasn't in his power to support me. But luckily there are plenty of other people who can. A Normie cannot understand. Hoping and expecting that they will (or thinking that they 'should' be able to do so because they are a partner / parent/ sibling / close friend) is kind of building ourself up for certain disappointment. Those expectations tend to end up turning into resentments, and resentments are a dubious luxury for anyone wanting sustained and comfortable sobriety.

It's great you've been honest with him. Maybe you could look into support for recovery available in your area. A lot of places have women only AA meetings which are a nice way to get started if that's a path you're willing to try. Others have SMART recovery or church led recovery in their area. In the UK there are some notoriously laughable schemes run by the government which promote moderation and seem to have little understanding of addiction or alcoholism. I suspect that they were the cheapest option the government could come up with. Anyway, it's worth getting to some meetings even if only to chat to others about what is available in your area, what people have tried and found useful / not so useful.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB