UKH

Hi Everyone
I'm totally new to this site but in need of some desperate advice.
( I'm from across the pond, UK but have found your site the best ).

Ok so i'm seeing a man who's 5 years into his soberity (I'm 51, he's 50) which is great &
congrats to all of you for what you are doing & have done.

I have no issue with his pass. We have a blast together when we see each other, it is effortless to laugh, joke, be with one another.

He told me on our 4th date about what he as overcome to get this far.
He's learning to be a Father again which is fanastic, working.
Attends AA meeting's every week. Still speaks to his own sponsor & also sponsors two AA members.

Here's the problem i'm the first woman he as dated in 5 years & he seems to now be pulling back ( month 4 ).
He shows no emotion/feelings at all other than by how he treats me when we are together (little touches, hugs).
I know he's interested but is making it very hard to let me in, how do I talk to him in a way that he will understand i'm not there to judge him one bit, just want to get to know him much better.

We have been imimate once, he never pushes me or expects me to do anything I don't want. (said he never cared about women he had sex with before)

His phone calls are much less frequent so are text messages.
Also getting to see him, I am now realizing his soberity & all that he does in AA for himself & others will always come before any woman, relationship, etc.
He said he as to question his 'Movation' as to why he's seeing me(what does he mean ?) by this.

He doesn't see a problem with how things are going between us & that i'm making the problem.

I very much want to carry on dating him but how can I get him to open up more to me?

Have asked him if he wants to still date & he said 'Yes'.

Really just need some insight as to what he may want from me, us, whatever we are ?

Many Thanks for reading xx

FreeOwl

Hi there.

Welcome.

I'm not real clear on what you're asking but I'd say as with any relationship, communication is key. Share your own views of what relationship is and what you're feeling and what you're after. Ask about his. Be patient and listen and be understanding.

You've noted that his recovery will always come first. That's as it should be and something you'll want to really sit with and understand. Are you willing and able to accept that? For him, it's life and death.

If things are fun, enjoyable, worth exploring further... follow it. If you're feeling something isn't meeting your own expectation - get clear about why you expect it. Communicate it. If there's things that just don't align.... don't force it, maybe this isn't the 'right one'.

Just like with any relationship.

UKH

Hi Freeowl

Thanks for that. I know it sounds all jumbled but that's how I feel at mo. Trying to figure out in my head how to start a converstation in telling him how I feel without him thinking i'm having a pop at him.

Think he's so out of sync with how to be around a woman who is showing some feelings for him.

I do get that he will always put himself first when it comes to life choices (which is fine)
I've got a full life myself so I like having time to do what I want but need to work out with him if he is willing to put more effort in seeing me more regular.

Thanks again, much appreciated xx

Mountainmanbob

Same advice I usually offer in these matters (to the ladies that is).
Slow way down and don't act so interested in him.
If he is willing -- let him be the persurer.

Remember girls.
No more than one phone call to his three or four.

Men don't want to catch a fish that wants to jump into the boat.

Just thoughts from up top the mountain on an early morning.

M-Bob

UKH

Morning to you Mountainmantop

Thank you. I'm not chasing him. I don't call (unless its for a reason) he will phone me just not as often.

Again he will message me every other day, I reply.

Why he confused me is because he as said it works two ways, meaning I could ring/text him.

I've texted him before & sometimes it takes hours to get back to me (yes well aware people are busy, etc) |& that doesn't bother me anyway.

Just feel some mix messages are being given out by him!!! xx

UKH

Also i said 'I know he's interested in me'.

Mountainmanbob

Good morning.
To be honest with you as seen from (far away).
Maybe he's not 100% in at this time?
It sounds like you really like this guy so, it saddens me to say that.
Protect your heart -- the best you can.

I know -- love they say makes the world go round.
For sure, there ain't nothing like it.

Been married for close to 11 years now.
I was seriously looking for a wife this last time around.
Although many of the others were very fine ladies,
they were just water going under the bridge,
for I didn't truly know what I wanted.

Question -- I wonder what he's looking for?

(Sometimes) that question out front cuts through the chase.

A nice sober day wished for all,
M-Bob

UKH

You know what M-Bob
I'm going to cut to the chase & just ask outright. I definitely wouldn't be wasting my time on him if I felt he wasn't interested.
Seems to be more that he doesn't want to smother me as he did in the beginning & I pulled back.
Think we both don't know where the heck we are with each other so only way forward 'Communication' onwards & upwards.
Thanks M-Bob your answer's are helpful xx

flg1412

Hi UKH,
Nice to have you here and taking such a mature approach to your relationship. I really wish there was a gentle kind way to put this but the truth is that for him you are just not the ONE. That said, this is totally my opinion and I am also wrong about stuff all the time. I hope it works out for you. Best thing I ever did when I started dating after a divorce from a 19 year marriage was get the book
He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo.
It really helped me figure out those mixed signals that I was always reading something into.

Unfortunately us girls are pretty good at deciding what a man must mean when he says something and experience has now taught me that when he doesn't call it just simply means he doesn't want to. When I did meet Mr Right there was nothing and I mean nothing that would stop him calling or texting or coming to see me. He didn't even have my address and came anyway. His plan was to just drive around town where he knew I lived until he spotted me.
Again, the disclaimer that this is totally my own personal opinion and experience and I hope yours is different and it all works out in the way you want it to.

UKH

Morning flg1412
Great to hear from you. Thank you for your sound advice. I've never been in a situation like this one before with a man.
To be honest i'm trying to work out if it's him I want or the thought of him as dating him is sooooooo unusual to other men I've dated.
Which seems to be because of his pass.
Will talk & find out for sure this week.

really pleased to hear how well your life as panned out, congrats xx

Many Thanks xx

ReadyAtLast

HI ukh
I'm in the UK too.

tbh this sounds less like his alcoholism and more just the way he is.From a woman's perspective I've been there and my only advice will be back off. Don't ask him outright, don't chase him and try and decide what YOU want. You can't and wont change him and if he isn't giving you what you want in a relationship then you can't make him give you more or be more available affectionate etc.

What you can do is decide what YOU want and what you are prepared to put up with. You say you have been intimate once. I hate to say it but some men do lose interest once they have 'caught' us. yes I know it's old fashioned but it happens. I've been there and it's not unusual for a man to back off.

In my experience if a man hasn't been in touch it's because he doesn't want to. When he did call and I was so available it's just easy for him. I wouldn't even ask him outright - you decide what you want to do and don't let him dictate all the terms. don't respond to his messages, don't be so available. Maybe he likes the chase. Then again do you want to be with a man who likes playing games?

ReadyAtLast

I'd also be extremely wary of a man in his 50s who says he's never cared about any woman he's had sex with before

Ariesagain

Hate to trot out such a cliche, but he is just not that into you. It's probably independent of his alcoholism, except that many of us hate confrontation and that's why he's doing the "come here, go away" dance. And since you've only had sex once in four months...

He may not ever be ready for a relationship. He may be asexual. He may be quite comfortable with his life as it is and doesn't want to be accountable to another person.

Regardless, your instincts are correct. Unless what he has to offer is all you want, this has unhealthy one-sided obsession potential written all over it and I have a lot of past experience in that!

Sending you a hug.

UKH

Hi Readyatlast

Good to hear from you & from UK.
Laughing to myself here, think way I've wrote thing's is different in reality (which sounds dumb)
I've never met a man who is so honest & up front which is really refreshing.
I've got nothing to lose by talking to him & everything to gain ( there's a fella who wants to take me out on Thursday) which i'm going to accept.
I will know for sure & then he wont see me for dust.

Very wise words from you though xx

UKH

ReadyAtLast

Sorry I didn't mean to make you laugh (or cry )

He isn't being honest and upfront with you though is he? He's giving you huge mixed messages. His calls and messages are reducing, since intimacy perhaps? But he says he wants a relationship. Then he says he doesn't know what his motivation is? What does that mean at all?

Some men just like to keep women hanging on just where they want them. Of course sobriety is critical but is he maybe just using that as an excuse for no further commitment.

At the end of the day though it doesn't matter what we think or what we read into what you've written. It's for you to decide is what he gives you is enough.

Wishing you all the very best

UKH

I'm confusing everyone here, sorry.
He said it meant something with me (whatever he meant)

He was always high having sex before

ReadyAtLast

Hi,

Yes I understood what you meant. My comment was more that I would be wary of a man in his 50s who said he'd never cared about anyone he had sex with before as obviously has never been committed to anyone and so probably has huge commitment issues. Maybe this is what's showing now. He says you're the only woman he's cared for but that's not what's coming through in any of his actions.

I've met many men who talked the talk and said exactly the same things. It never ended well

Hope it all works out for you.

UKH

It's fine. he's honest & upfront with anything I ask him (just haven't asked him about us) so that's what I have to do.
Not got a Scooby what the motivation thing means either ?
With the calling/texting, says it's a two way thing.
Lol, well this woman won't be left hanging on, i don't ditch my plans to see him.
Arrrrrrrgh maybe i'm the one who's all mixed up!

thanksagain xx

UKH

Very good way of looking at it. Real insightful xx