entropy1964

Looks like you've received a lot of good input. I didn't read all the posts so I'm sorry if I'm repeating.

Dating an alcoholic in recovery is definitely something to really consider. He will have commitments and somewhat different challenges. He's been sober for a while, which is really good, but like you said he will always have his recovery. But really that's like any strong commitment/belief. Church could be equally as time consuming.

I do relate to how you're feeling, being with a man that 'seems' emotionally unavailable. And is being kind of 'unavailable' over all. This is probably less about alcoholism and just more about him. Why he is this way? Only he knows and other than asking him directly, you won't be able to divine his motives. He is keeping things on his terms. If you can't live comfortably with that (and I understand...a relationship is two ways) you have to consider moving on.

But you can take care of you. It took me a very long time to realize that I allow people to treat me the way they do. I'm not a hostage. I can only ask for what I need, give what feels right and comfortable for me. If the person is unable, for whatever reason, to be the kind of man/person I need to have my concept of a loving and committed relationship, I have to walk away. Otherwise I'm choosing to be unfulfilled, anxious and probably resentful. Very hard to do but I think completely necessary and understandable.

UKH

Hi

Thanks so much. It is really hard when a man blows hot then cold. I can't wait around for him to decide so will tell him on my 'terms'.

Whatever he decides is his decision.
Not got time to waste or the engery.

Berrybean

I'm not entirely sure I read this right? Are you questioning how committed he is to you? At the same time as heading off on a date with another guy on Thursday??

As far as his questioning his motives, the way I read that, as someone who has worked through the steps myself, is that I did a very painful sex and relationships inventory. That inventory was done for the purpose of learning why I behaved and acted in the ways I did. Those ways of behaving and acting are not things I EVER intend to do again. Ever. But I know it's a slippery slope. So if I was in his shoes and embarking on new relationship after a number of years, I would want to ensure that I was not acting in ways that I intend to leave behind me, or being driven by old motives.

As far as why he's playing his cards close to his chest, perhaps he's wondering the exact same thing. And perhaps he's worried about getting hurt himself. Alcoholics tend to be very fear driven as well as ego driven (the ego bit is where him studying his motives comes in). As someone who has a date lined up with someone else, what would you say if he asked you the same questions as you want to ask him? And what is you are hoping or expecting that he would be doing or saying by now? I'm not sure I understand.

BrendaChenowyth

I am a firm believer that people's actions speak louder than their words, and that if someone seems to be pulling away or trying to create distance I need to let them go do that, because in most cases, trying to lessen the distance he is trying to maintain is going to cause him to feel threatened.

48heath

Have you thought about attending an Al-anon meeting?

One thing I have learnt in my sobriety is that I am powerless over other people.

UKH

Hi,

Thank you so much for this. You have made me look at my situation in a totally different light.
All you have just told me makes such sense now.
What you said about the movation part adds up perfectly.
Yes I've looked at myself again & see I could of been giving out mixed signals (pass hurts)

Reason about date on Thursday is simply because I've not wanted to get too attached if he keep's me at a distance but now with your very wise head & word's I see that I need to show him more before he will me.

Thank you so much again, I am trying so very hard to understand all of this & if I didn't care I wouldn't be here asking for help.

xx

UKH

Thank you. What the other Lady wrote makes so much sense in everything that's going on.
I don't smother him, I let him contact me unless I have cause too.
All will be good now I know more & speak to him.

xx

UKH

Now that sound's like a really good idea!
Thank you xx

Berrybean

It's also worth introducing yourself (and maybe even double posting your original message)in the Friends and Family area. There are many people there who have walked similar paths, and dealt with similar quandaries to you there. Of course, you're welcome in any area of the forum, but those folks just might be extra super-duper helpful to you.

I also think that AlAnon is a good idea. Many with codie issues (me included) find the CoDa handbook and meetings helpful as well. Maybe have a look at what's available in your area.

Plus, as a side note, Christmas can be a tricky time for people kicking the booze, and even in longer sobriety. He may well be extra busy supporting his sponsees and AA pals at the moment. I know that I've needed to be more 'available' than usual for some of my lovely AA lady-pals.

In the meantime, what 48heath said about being powerless about other people is so, so true. There's a reason that the serenity prayer is so popular...

God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the diffrence.

UKH

Hi Again

I've cancelled Thursday (feel much better for doing it)

Your spot on about Christmas, he as been seeing a lot more of the 2 AA members he sponsors.
He sat as Chair yesterday which I know meant so much to him.

He hasn't mentioned anything about seeing me over Xmas & I will leave that to him if he does want to see me ( though he knows I have got a lot of arrangements already)

He's just rang me & we meeting up Wednesday.

Do you think I should say anything ? Or do I wait it out ?
This is the really hard one for me.

I have a friend who is in AA but she very much keeps that side of her life to herself but i'm sure she can point me in the right direction to
A-Alon.

Sending lots of hugs & appreciation xx

Berrybean

Do you know what you would like to happen?? If so, then it might be worth having an honest discussion (maybe after all the seasonal mayhem has calmed down). And if you'd like to see him over Christmas, then just tell him you would. Perhaps he thinks you'd rather be partying. I sometimes feel that way about my friends who still enjoy a drink or a few so don't bother them if they seem busy and booked up.

Lots of info about AlAnon in the UK here ... FAQs about Groups and Meetings | Al-Anon UK

And CoDa here... CoDA UK - Welcome

Hugs right back atcha xx

UKH

Thanks so much. Been looking online at A-Alon groups near me & there
are 2 groups near me.

Thanks for the other link too, most helpful.

Funny thing is I don't drink myself (health reasons).

Christmas I really don't know what to do, maybe see how conversation goes on Wednesday.

Is still early days to know what I fully want tbh (so not got my head in the clouds) just needed some direction & more of an understanding & you have definitely given me some insight xx.


So pleased I found this site & YOU.

xx

Fly N Buy

There is a common thought among AA'ers that our emotional maturity is halted when we started drinking. For me, that was around 13 years old. From that point forward, my socialization and interaction with others was consistently through a haze of alcohol, stunting my emotional maturity.

In sobriety I start to mature, grow up. I learn how to interact with others outside of being intoxicated with mind altering substances.

It takes time.........for each year of sobriety it is like maturing 3-5 years emotionally. I'm am now around 25 or so though the calendar says over 50.

Al-anon is a good suggestion that helps many.

Best wishes

UKH

Hi Flyby

Good to hear from you, thank you.

Great to know how well your doing as are so many other's on here.

The maturity your spot on

What I would like to know is do I tell him i'd like to go too a A-Alon meeting ?

Many Thanks xx

ReadyAtLast

I think that depends on whether he thinks he is in a serious relationship with you. It all sounds quite casual so think he might think that's a bit intense. By all means go for your own sake.

UKH

Hi ReadyAtLast

Sound advice, thank you.

Decided after much thought today to just let whatever happens, happen.

Needed to take a lot of steps back & look at the whole picture.

Do think all of what you told me relates to him.

I'm going to enjoy my time with him when we are together & not force anything.

Got myself in a much better place today.

Take care & lots of hugs for all your advice xx

Aellyce

I agree with the other poster that saying "he never cared about women he had sex with before" (at 50 years of age) is quite telling. Many people who struggled with addiction tend to have issues with attachment, including sometimes avoiding it even if a relationship is otherwise good and exciting. I sometimes have a push/pull tendency that can drive many people, who do not know me very well and understand it, puzzled and crazy. It might also be that beyond the initial effect of novelty, he is just not an emotionally very demonstrative person. If you are worried, I would talk with him about the relationship, your needs and his needs.

UKH

Hi Aellyce

Hope your well ?

Thank you. I can take parts of what everyone as wrote here. He seems to have some kind of traits in all of your comments.

It's all just very, very different to what I have been used too but i'm willing at the moment to put the effort in.

He seems like he needs reassurance from me & it feels as though i'm being tested, maybe i'm wrong, I truly don't know.

Time will tell.
Quick question if you get to read this reply. I still do all the things I enjoy & he goes quiet on me for a couple of days when I've been on evenings out. Do I need to be wary of this ?

Thanks for your input, really appreciated xx