Water441

Hey, wondering if anyone can relate to my behaviours as an alcoholic. I could exercise moderation for months, then I'd find myself at the end of a 4 day binge where I was drinking around the clock to avoid withdrawal. This pattern got me in a lot of trouble at work and finally it came down to rehab or you're fired with cause.

So that's when I told the living supportive people around me, enrolled in rehab, and started taking my prescriptions everyday consistently as directed.

I know I'm an alcoholic. I don't disputed that, but I'd like to hear from a few others who could do 30 days of moderate drinking (3-4 units a week if even that much) to a binge that was intense enough to cause bad withdrawal symptoms
(Bile vomiting, tremors, extreme anxiety, sweats, but never DTs though I always went to ER just to be safe.)

It's just such a perplexing pattern.

I'm hoping my rehab (13 days left out of 28), and aftercare counselling can help me shed some light on this particular pattern. Of course it's all under the umbrella of alcohol dependence / addiction, I don't dispute that - but I'm particularly interested to hear from
Others who had a similar pattern. Just your story and what you did in your first month/year of recovery.

MeSoSober

I am a binger, but I'm abstinent between binges. Like so many other alcoholics, I've never really been interested in "moderate" drinking. If I pick up at all, I'm going to go until I pass out. With that said, in the past, I'd say I could fairly easily go days or even weeks with little or no interest in drinking. But when the urge hit, that was all she wrote. And sometimes I'd go for days, with all the resulting personal and professional repercussions. It wasn't pretty.

comtnman740

Hey thanks for the topic. Yeah i'm with MeSoSober i'm a binge drinker with periods of abstinence too. My last binge was a one nighter about 52 days ago before that 180 days ago for a few days. If i get the obsession in my mind i go all out. I'm learning some tools to combat the obsession though. This weekend was really tough. In a nutshell just a perfect storm of alot of little things.

Algorithm

What benefit would insight into this particular pattern provide? Would such insight affect the only sure-fire solution to your problem?

Forward12

I know for me at least, I could cut down on the drinking for a little while, but then would eventually go all out to make up for the lack of drinking I otherwise was doing which wasn't a good idea.
A few may be able to make moderation work, but not many. Most of us need that all out fix or nothing. Just having a few doesn't feed the beast the way it wants.

Water441

In rehab I just haven't met anyone else with this pattern and we haven't gotten deeply into triggers yet.

Algorithm

Are you planning to be 'triggered' into more drinking? It doesn't sound like you can afford that.

Water441

Definitely can't afford that. And at this early point that's what's keeping me sober, though the rehabilitation/counselling/and new thinking patterns I do trust will help me stay sober.

I stopped and relapsed through a binge 7-8 times since self identifying as alcoholic in January of 2016. I'm interested in other stories. I'm not looking for answers that will help keep me from relapsing. Only I can keep me from that by admitting it isn't something I can control at all (even when medicated with harm reduction meds).

Algorithm

It's very good that you recognize this.

You definitely can't afford another binge, but you're not interested in not having another binge? Doesn't that seem unusual?

dwtbd

I thought I couldn't control drinking either. But then I realized I could , I am in complete control of my drinking , I gained (actually realized I have control) by pledging to myself to never drink again,ever and to never change my mind. The ' part' of me that doesn't believe such a pledge will 'work' is the addiction trying to stay alive, but I' m in control, I refuse to let addiction have control ever again.
There are great threads here on SR in the Secular Connections forum that explore this perspective, I highly recommend checking them out.

Water441

I am not interested in relapsing - I was trying to say that I'm not looking for stories thinking that if I adopt the same techniques I'll be successsful - it was a preface statement to saying the only person who can choose to stay sober is me and that is the only real answer all the rest is recovery planning

Water441

That might be good for me - when I say I have no control, I mean that I've accepted there's no such plan as moderation that will work for me. I can't control my alcoholism while attempting the harm reduction model. But yes, I agree with you that I have control over the decision not to drink and to stick to that suggestion - so yes, I'll look into the secular connection forum. Thank you.

ThreeBoxes

If I drink, I drink to get drunk, so if I was at a social or work event, I just didn't drink. I'd drink when I got home.

The idea of moderation is foreign to me, which is why I identify as an alcoholic.

Ionlyhavetoday

I've never been a daily drinker. I was able to go for long periods of time (months) without the desire to drink. But, when I did drink, I drank alcoholically. Blacked out, passed out, duis, huge fights with hubby, the whole nine yards. I was the proverbial Dr. JEKYLL and Mr. Hyde as soon as that first drink hit my bloodstream. It is literally like a switch flips in my brain when I ingest alcohol.

The only solution I've found that's worked for me is complete abstinence, one day at a time. I work a 12 step program of recovery through AA. And I have literally been given my life back.

Water441

It's just frustrating trying to understand why I could drink moderately for weeks/months, then suddenly binge. My above posts are meant to demonstrate that understanding this pattern isn't an attempt to get back to regular moderation because I've accepted that's not sustainable for me and always eventually turnings into intense binging... what I find frustrating is not understanding my patterns yet... I know that will come the further I get, the more counselling I do and reflection time I take.

ScottFromWI

You may never know why Water. Sometimes we just have to accept that we did things because we are addicts, forgive ourselves and move forward.

shortstop81

I was a periodic binger, but I wasn't really able to moderate in between. I'd drink 2-3 days out of the week, and then maybe go another week without drinking. Truth be told, I usually *needed* that time to get over my acute withdrawals in order to be 'ready' to drink again.

Water - congrats on taking action in recovery. Like Scott said, you may never know the reasons behind your particular pattern. Or maybe further into recovery you may gain some insight into it.

But as others have said, don't get too hung up on it at this point. What matters right now is learning how to prevent that first drink.

obosob

Try not to think too much.... don't follow these types of thoughts would be my number 1 tip.

I too, like the others can go quite a while without a drink. 3-4 one week, nothing next week, boom 200 in a week....
But when it's on, it's on for real, the 3-4 are always leading to the 200, and there's no telling anymore how dire the consequences may be.

Good luck in rehab, full support from me!

flg1412

Hmmm.. Moderation ? What is this thing you speak of?

I wish I could offer some insights Water but like some of the others I don't think the technicalities of what happens are going to change the outcome one way or another. If we could practice sustainable "forever" moderation we wouldn't need to be here. I do hope you find the tools and answers you need or figure out what you can let go of. Whatever is going to work for your recovery.
L&R

LadyBlue0527

It really isn't perplexing though. Whether you want to identify it as a problem with alcohol or alcoholism it's a surefire sign that drinking isn't for you. Yes, I can identify with it. I know where your head is going because I too would say "I don't get it, I can skip weekends, I can even go a few weeks with no alcohol. Then, I eventually just go overboard". Additionally, I can tell you that I could moderate but in being honest, I hated it. If I put alcohol to my lips I was on a path, every time. The only thing that stopped that path was learning to deal with the discomfort of only having a few to save the fact that I could still drink. There was no enjoyment though.

My withdrawals were isolated to the extreme hangover. In bed until 5 in the evening (if I got up at all).

I quit many times. Many. What I finally figured out is that every time I started up again whatever would bring me to quit was worse than the last time. This time, it was far worse.

I am not about to make a "but this is the way you should think" statement, I'm telling you what I am about to tell you because it was in my list of top 5 things that finally brought me peace in sobriety.

I have never been happier in sobriety than I am this time through because I don't care about the differences or similarities that I find in others. I just accept the knowledge that I am a person that can't drink. Then, doing whatever I can in my life so that I am sober, and honestly happy about it. I have had a few yngggg moments over the past 7 months and they went away very quickly because drinking is not an option. Point blank, ever.

You'd be amazed at how much easier quitting is when you truly accept that you can't drink and stop questioning why you are the way you are. You just are. That's all there is to it. Life gets a whole lot easier from that point forward.