Mick75

Well folks here I was almost 90 days dry....and I drank three 2.5oz of Jim beam, and a pint of Coors. No I'm not proud, no I was not testing the waters I just did it, I just puked in parking lot right outside a bar called the famous door. I hate myself, truly hate myself, I've done nothing but **** away 90 days of work. That's it I just pissed it away, my wife my kids everything....all down the gutter with my ****.
Ok I know I'm being over dramatic but WTF I've worked hard for 88 days and now I have to start over?
I'm lost my friends, I said good bye to my Pop's and his iron fists, the boys who bent me over, ive told mt past you have no power....GD! I'm a good man! Leave me the hell alone! But here I'm waiting for my AA friends to come pick up the pieces....what will tomorrow bring? Another 90 days of this?... I might as well go home pack my sea bag and hit skid row, is that all I've got?
I swore and talked to pops grave, I said I love you, doesn't matter what you did, I love you I survived your fists....I'm F&$king better than you, the boys who used me I could easily kill and or beat to within a inch of death, but what would that prove? Not a GD thing!
I know I'm strong, I know I can fight,I know I can end anyone I want, but in my soul I'm a scared kid, just a little guy who can't figure out why. I know God loves me but why punish his child like this? Why and if there is no God....well what's the point.
Tomorrow I'm going to AA, I'm gonna pull myself out of this gutter, I'm gonna done my armour against alcohol, and any other thing that stands between me and a true and loving sober life, this is it, total ground warfare in your face blood and guts I'm done! My past is over, my Pop's, done hes just a man, those two boys who the F....cares, I'm choosing my life and that's it, my kids will be safe, my wife will be loved, I will love myself, I'm going to 60 days of rehab starting tonight. I can't do this alone.... I love each and every one of you and there isn't a GD thing you can do about it, I will still love you, I've failed on my own but I will win :-)
I will post tomorrow, as I'm tired and the local police are nice but not that nice.

Mattq2

Mick, 90 days is great. Yeah your starting over but to me as long as you learn what tripped you up, you will do it this time. I started over a bunch of times. Hopefully this time it will stick. It will stick for you this time just make some changes. You can do it

DesertDawg

I don't think one episode of drinking invalidates almost 90 days sober, Mick. You put in the work to get most 3 months under your belt. This doesn't change that. Frankly, I wouldn't look at it as "starting over" as much as continuing on after a fall, though some may disagree. If you're taking a 100 mile trip in your car, and you have to stop after 40 miles for a flat tire, you don't drive the 40 miles back to where you started. You fix the problem and continue on. It's not a perfect analogy, but it's how I prefer to look at it.

ScottFromWI

I think going home and getting some rest and then hitting an AA meeting sounds like a good idea Mick. It will make more sense once you've sobered up and you can make changes to get another 90 days and beyond. Accept it for what it is...a mistake, and learn from it.

fgo

Mick, we are walking this path together. Glad your done.

Steely

Me too Mick. I'm a girl so wasn't bent over, but held down by them. And still there remains a scream in my head.

We gotta put it behind us and get on with reclaiming our lives and dignity. You're going to be OK Mick, me too. Sober is the key. Rock on.

Upstairs

What desertdawg said. You're not starting over, you're bound to have learned a lot in the last 90 days. I bet you'll have a better perspective on things tomorrow 😀

Misc72

Every time you leave sobriety and then come back you will always be stronger than the first time. I did that too after 18 months. Then I was so discouraged with myself I let the drinking carry on for another year. But when I made the resolve to stop again it was just easier than before. It's ok don't beat yourself up too much. It's a waste of time. Let it go and keep moving forward. Best of luck.

PhoenixJ

You have not lost anything from what I read. You have anger and are trying to make sense of stuff that makes no sense. Do you talk to a counsellor? Helps me. You are facing crap you would rather not face. You are not starting again. If you are travelling a new path up a mountain, you tripped and fell. You did not slide back down. Now on the ground after that fall you call out to other guys on the same path. You tell them you are tired, are hurting and to go on with out you, NOPE. The friends sit with you- give you some food and drink. They check your sore leg- bruised, yes- but not badly, no broken bones. They help you up and you all continue on together. At first the friends carry your pack- just to make sure your ok. They are there- you are not alone. All of them to remark how well you are doing. So you are and so are we. Together on the same path.

shockozulu

The 90 day chip was the hardest for me to gain. After the first two times when I relapsed I learned my lesson. The next time my 90 days were getting near I upped my meeting attendance as well as the meetings before and after the meetings. I asked a man who was active with newcomers if they went out to coffee after the meetings, and since it was with members of both genders I didn't feel out of place as a female. I learned more at Denny's and Chili's than some meetings and ended up continuing to go out with this group past the time I received my first year coin.

And never be afraid to ask after the meeting what other's have done to prevent another relapse. I still have my notes and have referred to them when I relapsed from smoking.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

obosob

I was attacked whilst unconscious in my girlfriends car, on a side street from a hotel where I'd had too much to drink and she'd just gone home.

Woke up with a large grown man on me, his hands rubbing my jeans.

Pushed him out on to the road and fought him in the street.

He was too big, and trained up in something and I was very drunk, when witnesses came he ran off and I couldn't catch him.

The detectives arrived about 15 minutes later. Heavy detectives, who told me it was because I hadn't made the complaint that they were so late.

The was a serial predator in Melbourne. Attacked many men and fit the description I gave the detectives.

I've hated homosexuals, especially big ones ever since then and I've just began to learn to let that go....

I get it......!

PhoenixJ

More prayers

SWTPEA61

Nice PJ
Mick you are truly loved here don't give up

Mick75

Hey all,
I'm home and tomorrow I'm doing AA and not starting over but as some have said, keeping my place on the mountian. My wife, and others on SR have suggested, I need to deal with the...well incident of my youth.
I was sexually assaulted by two boys when I was ten years old. Is that an excuse to drink, nope, it is the past, my Dad hit me a lot, is that an excuse to drink again nope.
I'm not perfect, never will be, today was a horror show, I F$&ked up and drank, and I have 1,000 reasons not to drink, and 1,000 reasons to drink. My wife told me the past is not changeable, so you better move on. I burried my abuse deep inside, until I stopped drinking, I've know it was there, I woukd never and still will not let my kids have a sleep over at friends houses, I hate it when they are out of my control.
Getting sober forced me to deal with these emotions, I've always been a knucklehead, I was a great defensive end and nose tackle(American football positions) even at my ripe old age I can crush any threat to me or my family. However I stil drank tonight, well I sure as heck can't change that, can I?
I can change this going forward, tomorrow I'm going to AA and I'm talking to my friends, then I'm going to church, and then I'm scheduled to out patient alcohol therapy, I'm not starting over I'm just gonna kick this this thing. I will post as I can, sorry SR friends, I fell, but as George Patton, said, my gun is empty, my horse is dead all I can do is fight. Not sure if he really said that but oh well.
Good night my friends, I will talk to you tomorrow.
Keep the strength,
Mick

Mick75

Thanks sucks huh

Dee74

I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past. Unfortunately drinking will not help you deal with any of that. Drinking is like the anti- solution - we try and push the pain away and never get to the real issues.

Those issues return again and again and if the only tool we have to deal with them is alcohol, we drink...

Find a solution Mick - maybe some counselling?

D

Delilah1

Hi Mick,

Just sending some virtual hugs your way. Sounds like your wife is pretty supportive. You mentioned rehab above, is it possible for you to do an inpatient or IOP?

Looking forward to reading your check in tomorrow.

Ariesagain

You're a survivor, a fighter. You're going to let a beverage kick your ass?

Get up, dust yourself off, and go find your posse.

You can do this!

Berrybean

Hug. Glad you made it back so quickly. Many don't.

I found that it was very very painful for me as the sober months rolled by. I was going to meetings but not working the steps, so of course all the baggage started popping out of my suitcase of oblivion where I'd managed to keep it stuffed away for decades. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in a tsunami of emotions. Anger, grief, fear, loneliness and despair.

Doing my step 4 and step 5 was a life changer for me. Not easy, but so worthwhile. Finally someone was showing me how I could stop slapping new elastoplasts over old ones. I could rip them off and let those old (metaphorical) wounds into the light. Look at them with someone who would help me wash them so I could start healing. It took a lot for me to let go of some of my resentments against certain people who had harmed me. However, I was thinking just last night that perhaps I needed to learn how to get over a massive resentment against others. This gave me a test run and learning ground for learning how to forgive myself, and open my sin toasted heart and let God in so that I could recieve his forgiveness and grace. For so, so many years I went to church but always kept God at arms length. Not because I was angry with him, or didn't believe in him. More because I didn't feel worthy of his love or forgiveness. I tell ya, this recovery malarkey has given me so, so much. More than I could ever have imagined was ever possible.

Sending my prayers for you today. BB

Nowsthetime

Hi!

All the stuff I tried to bury bubbled up after having my daughter and quitting and with a vengeance!

Please confront it head on and try to work through it.

We are not victims anymore. We are surviving warriors and our past doesn't define us and it's part of the reason we are who we are.

Those boys have to live with what they did, just like those men do in my case. They live with their souls, they can't escape their conscious.

You are part of this family and we are here to support you. Learn, modify your plan and keep going.

Big hugs!