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sick of failing

Old 12-16-2016, 11:47 AM
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sick of failing

Hello everyone...id like to say today is my new day 1 but I've written that on the calendar so often the last few years I'm afraid to do so. Compounding it is my marriage that's in the toilet, lingering depression & lonliness, and constant worry for my children. If I love them so much why do I continue to do what my mother did that made my childhood so lousy?

I've tried to fool myself into thinking that "I'm not as bad as my mom was" or I need to drink to cope with my emotionally absent husband or a hundred other things any given day. I feel sick as hell today but I still have it in the house...and I'm scared to get rid of it then "need it" once my husband gets home and another weekend of playing the invisible wife ensues. Looking for hope as I just can't see any on the horizon.
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Old 12-16-2016, 12:00 PM
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Hey Hopedeffered I'm glad you found us
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Old 12-16-2016, 12:02 PM
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Alcohol seems to help us cope, but it never does and in fact, it makes everything worse. You will be better able to deal with the problems with your marriage and other problems in your life if you are sober. You will gain self-respect as well and that helps enormously. Do you have a plan in place for stopping drinking?
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Old 12-16-2016, 12:57 PM
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Welcome to the family. There's lots of support here. I hope we can help you get sober for good.
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Old 12-16-2016, 02:35 PM
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There's always hope. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be here today.
I had so, so many days ones. Too many to count. I tried so had to stop drinking, also, to rid myself of toxic relationships that were helping and giving me a reason to drink.
It took a lot of soul searching to stop, along with all the other horrors of my drinking that I won't go into.
I finely came here and went to AA.
I found hope, and believe me, I was a bad drunk.

Welcome to the site. You'll find support here. Maybe try AA?
You can stop, just don't give up hope.
Best to you.
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Old 12-17-2016, 12:51 AM
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Oh I feel the pain in your post and relate to it so much. I too failed and failed and failed again until I didn't. Even now, confident that I never, ever want to drink again and never will I am on my toes, watching out for any relapse. We always have to be careful.
It is just the worst feeling in the world to look at your kids and realise what you are doing and feel so helpless to change, but it IS possible. I was always trying my best to be a good mother. I really was trying. But I was failing in so many ways. Two particular incidents really crushed my soul and will stay with me until the day I die. At the end of my drinking I was up to 3 or more bottles of wine a day, starting in the morning. One day I was drunker than usual and couldn't go get my kids from school. Somehow I managed to remember them and call the nanny to go get them. She brought them home to find me passed out on my front terrace, covered in red wine stained vomit and shuffled the kids inside so they didn't have to see me like that (too late, they already had). They of course asked "what's wrong with mommy?" She told them I had a headache and needed to rest. But they knew what was going on. Some weeks later I took them to a nearby restaurant because I couldn't get it together to cook for them (hey, at least I was ensuring they ate, right? ) I was well on my way to getting drunk, visibly so and my older son (then 7) said to me in the most heartbreaking and angry voice ever "mommy I HATE it when you get a headache" He didn't understand what getting drunk was or alcohol or things like that, but he associated my drunken behaviour, slurry words, short temperament with "having a headache" as the nanny had explained.
Unbelievably so I still kept on drinking for months after that. I felt there was no way out, I couldn't find the way out, I simply could not stop, not even for a day. Everyone here kept suggesting rehab and I pushed back saying there was no way in the world I could leave my responsibilities- household, work or my kids- for a month. But finally I came to a point where there was no other option. I was killing myself, or at a minimum killing my soul and running my children's lives. I managed to set up a plan for everything and went away to rehab for a month. Lo and behold everyone survived in my absence. I have had one extended relapse (a month back on drinking) since then but am back at sobriety and I know I never would have been able to get where I am without going to rehab. It saved my life and that of my children's.
I cannot tell you how much our relationship has thrived in these past 8 months. It is glorious. They trust me again, they love me again, we have fun together, they want to be with me, be around me, talk to me, snuggle with me. I take very good care of them- not just their basic needs, but also the "extras" of paying close attention to them when they speak, checking their school backpacks and looking at their work, planning for special movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, inviting their friends over for play time, taking them to the park, being patient when they have bad days or moments. It is not always easy and I do sometimes struggle but it is better with the intensity of a million white hot shining suns.
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Old 12-17-2016, 06:40 AM
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Welcome, its not easy giving it up but you can do this, be strong.
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Old 12-17-2016, 07:17 AM
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WELCOME!

I second the motion to GET A PLAN!!!

Don't know what that is? Me either when I was ready to make a change. I made one appointment with a crisis counselor and sat down with her to MAKE A PLAN. Also you can look around on this forum for different plans that you can use.

Once you have a plan. EXECUTE the plan. This is the hardest part. You will be encountering MUCH inertia. If you follow the plan every day, you will overcome that inertia.

Be ready for your life to get better. Yes, it might seem like it sucks worse at first, but it WILL get better. Just follow the plan. Every. Day.

Glad you are here.

mfanch
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Old 12-18-2016, 09:00 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Hopedeferred!!
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Old 12-18-2016, 10:07 AM
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hi hope

prayin' for ya

ive known many many people that went to meetings for years and years and then achieved sobriety

you (we) can do it

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Old 12-18-2016, 02:41 PM
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Hows it going HopeDeferred

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Old 12-18-2016, 03:02 PM
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The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think!
 
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Hi

I highly recommend something other than just online
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:21 PM
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Hopedferred, don't keep the alcohol in the house "just in case". The big step is to bite the bullet, and have an alcohol free house. Otherwise, "Just in case" is going to happen over and over and over.
You don't indicate how much you drink. Talk to your Dr (you will not shock him!) and ask for medical help. A Dr. can prescribe medication to help with withdrawals.
You are struggling and not happy. Get rid of the booze and I 100% guarantee some of your problems will go away immediately.
Stay on here! The support and info is invaluable. This is very doable.
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Old 01-24-2018, 09:52 PM
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Thank you for your honesty and your story...and congrats on 8 months! I have one AA / Serenity group I've gone to off and on last few years but am finally getting consistent and getting assurance finding a sponsor or two. In the meantime I'll keep coming back here for hope that I just can't feel or envision right now.

Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Oh I feel the pain in your post and relate to it so much. I too failed and failed and failed again until I didn't. Even now, confident that I never, ever want to drink again and never will I am on my toes, watching out for any relapse. We always have to be careful.
It is just the worst feeling in the world to look at your kids and realise what you are doing and feel so helpless to change, but it IS possible. I was always trying my best to be a good mother. I really was trying. But I was failing in so many ways. Two particular incidents really crushed my soul and will stay with me until the day I die. At the end of my drinking I was up to 3 or more bottles of wine a day, starting in the morning. One day I was drunker than usual and couldn't go get my kids from school. Somehow I managed to remember them and call the nanny to go get them. She brought them home to find me passed out on my front terrace, covered in red wine stained vomit and shuffled the kids inside so they didn't have to see me like that (too late, they already had). They of course asked "what's wrong with mommy?" She told them I had a headache and needed to rest. But they knew what was going on. Some weeks later I took them to a nearby restaurant because I couldn't get it together to cook for them (hey, at least I was ensuring they ate, right? ) I was well on my way to getting drunk, visibly so and my older son (then 7) said to me in the most heartbreaking and angry voice ever "mommy I HATE it when you get a headache" He didn't understand what getting drunk was or alcohol or things like that, but he associated my drunken behaviour, slurry words, short temperament with "having a headache" as the nanny had explained.
Unbelievably so I still kept on drinking for months after that. I felt there was no way out, I couldn't find the way out, I simply could not stop, not even for a day. Everyone here kept suggesting rehab and I pushed back saying there was no way in the world I could leave my responsibilities- household, work or my kids- for a month. But finally I came to a point where there was no other option. I was killing myself, or at a minimum killing my soul and running my children's lives. I managed to set up a plan for everything and went away to rehab for a month. Lo and behold everyone survived in my absence. I have had one extended relapse (a month back on drinking) since then but am back at sobriety and I know I never would have been able to get where I am without going to rehab. It saved my life and that of my children's.
I cannot tell you how much our relationship has thrived in these past 8 months. It is glorious. They trust me again, they love me again, we have fun together, they want to be with me, be around me, talk to me, snuggle with me. I take very good care of them- not just their basic needs, but also the "extras" of paying close attention to them when they speak, checking their school backpacks and looking at their work, planning for special movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, inviting their friends over for play time, taking them to the park, being patient when they have bad days or moments. It is not always easy and I do sometimes struggle but it is better with the intensity of a million white hot shining suns.
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Old 01-24-2018, 09:56 PM
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Yes I need to keep it out of the house...when I drink it's usually 6 or seven glasses of wine, sometimes a bit more or less. Today I "finished off" what I had left (5) but my Thursday group is tomorrow...so I know I won't drink tomorrow but worried about Friday & the weekend when I'm most prone.


Originally Posted by FLCamper View Post
Hopedferred, don't keep the alcohol in the house "just in case". The big step is to bite the bullet, and have an alcohol free house. Otherwise, "Just in case" is going to happen over and over and over.
You don't indicate how much you drink. Talk to your Dr (you will not shock him!) and ask for medical help. A Dr. can prescribe medication to help with withdrawals.
You are struggling and not happy. Get rid of the booze and I 100% guarantee some of your problems will go away immediately.
Stay on here! The support and info is invaluable. This is very doable.
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Old 01-25-2018, 12:00 AM
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Welcome back hopedeferred

A recovery action plan is a good thing to have - it could make this time different to all the others

check this link out maybe?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
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Old 01-25-2018, 07:51 PM
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24 hours as of today

Hello all...several of you mentioned a plan...I think for me I have to cover all bases each and every day...worried I won't execute it just right then throw in the towel, but here it is:
1) Spiritual healing: for me, this means to be in the Word each day, even if just a few minutes. I have a 12-step devotional book called "Serenity" I'm using but also the Life Recovery Bible, which also focuses on the steps.
Physical healing: I've been ignoring my heal, eating poorly and not exercising...so at a minimum I need to walk my dogs twice a day for a total of at least 2 miles or 40 minutes. Every other day need to start some weight-bearing stuff too. And taking a multi, extra B, extra D, calcium & magnesium, and omega fatty acids or fish oil or ALA. I've weened myself off Ambien but will take melatonin instead, and maybe Benedryl if I really can't sleep.
3) Emotional healing: will stick with taking Wellbutrin daily at least thru winter. Need to journal everyday in some respect, either here or my personal one. Need to make a list of all negatives about drinking lest I "forget" yet again! Also the positive that will most definitely arise if I stay sober in the long run, along with some other possible benefits/changes that out of my control but who knows?
4) Mental healing: take one phrase that is a positive truth and dwell on it all day. At tonight's meeting someone stated a great way to get self respect back was to do respectful things...seems simple! But I can think of one thing each day that of doing something that may take extra effort but that I could feel good about. Also in this category I'll put going to more physical meetings...I'm scared about committing to 90 in 90 as I'm very introverted and the thought of having to see dozens of new strangers that will ask too many questions every day of the week feels daunting. But I need to give it a try. Plus the more on my plate, the busier I am, the more distracted the better, especially in next few days and weeks.
That's all I can think of now...ill look up the link I think you sent Dee and see what else I could do if the above doesn't work. I'm grateful to have found this group and will check in, hopefully every day, with at least a quick "count" of my sober days. Today is just 24 hours tho...I pray that's the last time I'll have to say that!


Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome back hopedeferred

A recovery action plan is a good thing to have - it could make this time different to all the others

check this link out maybe?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
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Old 01-25-2018, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopedeferred View Post
Also in this category I'll put going to more physical meetings...I'm scared about committing to 90 in 90 as I'm very introverted and the thought of having to see dozens of new strangers that will ask too many questions every day of the week feels daunting. But I need to give it a try.
Uh, you know if you go to a meeting every day for 3 months straight, those strangers won't be strangers anymore, right?

Ask who questions? You? Well, you could make a friend or two and begin to get honest with people who have been where you are, understand, and can offer you help out of their own experiences.

Or you could just say, "I only came to listen to what others have to say today," and remain an outsider. Not the best approach, but hey, it's up to you how much help you're willing to get and receive.
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Old 01-26-2018, 06:05 AM
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That sounds like a great plan, Hope

I would just add to be gentle with yourself. It doesn't need to be executed perfectly everyday.

And when it isn't ('cause there will be days where it isn't), you don't need to use it as an excuse to throw in the towel.

I think it is Dee that says something along the lines of 'every day in recovery isn't always graceful, sometimes it is messy but as long as we land sober at the end of the day, it is a win.'

You can do this, Hope
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Old 01-26-2018, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Oh I feel the pain in your post and relate to it so much. I too failed and failed and failed again until I didn't. Even now, confident that I never, ever want to drink again and never will I am on my toes, watching out for any relapse. We always have to be careful.
It is just the worst feeling in the world to look at your kids and realise what you are doing and feel so helpless to change, but it IS possible. I was always trying my best to be a good mother. I really was trying. But I was failing in so many ways. Two particular incidents really crushed my soul and will stay with me until the day I die. At the end of my drinking I was up to 3 or more bottles of wine a day, starting in the morning. One day I was drunker than usual and couldn't go get my kids from school. Somehow I managed to remember them and call the nanny to go get them. She brought them home to find me passed out on my front terrace, covered in red wine stained vomit and shuffled the kids inside so they didn't have to see me like that (too late, they already had). They of course asked "what's wrong with mommy?" She told them I had a headache and needed to rest. But they knew what was going on. Some weeks later I took them to a nearby restaurant because I couldn't get it together to cook for them (hey, at least I was ensuring they ate, right? ) I was well on my way to getting drunk, visibly so and my older son (then 7) said to me in the most heartbreaking and angry voice ever "mommy I HATE it when you get a headache" He didn't understand what getting drunk was or alcohol or things like that, but he associated my drunken behaviour, slurry words, short temperament with "having a headache" as the nanny had explained.
Unbelievably so I still kept on drinking for months after that. I felt there was no way out, I couldn't find the way out, I simply could not stop, not even for a day. Everyone here kept suggesting rehab and I pushed back saying there was no way in the world I could leave my responsibilities- household, work or my kids- for a month. But finally I came to a point where there was no other option. I was killing myself, or at a minimum killing my soul and running my children's lives. I managed to set up a plan for everything and went away to rehab for a month. Lo and behold everyone survived in my absence. I have had one extended relapse (a month back on drinking) since then but am back at sobriety and I know I never would have been able to get where I am without going to rehab. It saved my life and that of my children's.
I cannot tell you how much our relationship has thrived in these past 8 months. It is glorious. They trust me again, they love me again, we have fun together, they want to be with me, be around me, talk to me, snuggle with me. I take very good care of them- not just their basic needs, but also the "extras" of paying close attention to them when they speak, checking their school backpacks and looking at their work, planning for special movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, inviting their friends over for play time, taking them to the park, being patient when they have bad days or moments. It is not always easy and I do sometimes struggle but it is better with the intensity of a million white hot shining suns.

This is me. I have kids, went to rehab and have been struggling for the past month since I got out. I managed only 4 days sober but i keep screwing it up. It's good to read that someone else got over what seems like an impossible hump. Thank you
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