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sick of failing

Old 01-26-2018, 03:31 PM
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Welcome to SR Catldy

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Old 01-26-2018, 08:17 PM
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Day 2...with mini miracles!

Well got thru over 48 hours! Didn't get all I wanted to accomplished, but aside from 4 cups of coffee ate reasonably well and went running for 33 minutes, walked about 10 (walking with a hop is more like it as I'm so out of shape). Came home and remembered seeing a bottle of Irish cream that my husband had confiscated over Christmas, and having a headache went down stairs to "just use some as creamer," but thankfully it was empty! And this AFTER my daughter complimented me on running and said I should stop drinking to loose weight (she's 16 but said it very respectfully), and added, "but you're doing better than last year." Soooo glad that bottle was empty! I obviously have zero will power right now. Second miracle happened as I went to address of where a friend suggested there was a good meeting, but lights were out and there was none. Said a quick confession to God that I really just wanted to buy some wine & go rent a movie...but I looked up the AA list for my region and found another one less than 2 miles from where I was. But I got there like 35 min early, and again was thinking of bailing. But my dad called and while we were talking people starting coming into the church basement and I decided to give it a go. Was a good meeting...even got a number of another lady I connected to somewhat. The lead for the night read from the book "24 hours a day" which has an app for just $5.99 that I just downloaded. I'll add this to my daily reading as it is short and I need all the help I can get. Tomorrow I'll be traveling 45 min to another recommended meeting...so please pray that there is actually one going on when I get there and I don't weasel out! Again grateful for SR...grateful l have a God who is in the "second chance" as well as forgiveness business! And grateful for mini miracles that added up will keep me sober, one day at a time.
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Old 01-26-2018, 09:37 PM
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that sounds really awesome, hope
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Old 08-24-2018, 11:42 PM
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A very belated thank you but wanted to say how I appreciated you story & candor. My kids are about 10 years older than yours, and I've learned to be "secretive" in drinking but it's a lie, as I am not present as I should be. I'll get more into the details another night....just pray I dump what I have left in house tomorrow and start day one (yet again) and tell the devil to go back to hell & leave me alone!
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Oh I feel the pain in your post and relate to it so much. I too failed and failed and failed again until I didn't. Even now, confident that I never, ever want to drink again and never will I am on my toes, watching out for any relapse. We always have to be careful.
It is just the worst feeling in the world to look at your kids and realise what you are doing and feel so helpless to change, but it IS possible. I was always trying my best to be a good mother. I really was trying. But I was failing in so many ways. Two particular incidents really crushed my soul and will stay with me until the day I die. At the end of my drinking I was up to 3 or more bottles of wine a day, starting in the morning. One day I was drunker than usual and couldn't go get my kids from school. Somehow I managed to remember them and call the nanny to go get them. She brought them home to find me passed out on my front terrace, covered in red wine stained vomit and shuffled the kids inside so they didn't have to see me like that (too late, they already had). They of course asked "what's wrong with mommy?" She told them I had a headache and needed to rest. But they knew what was going on. Some weeks later I took them to a nearby restaurant because I couldn't get it together to cook for them (hey, at least I was ensuring they ate, right? ) I was well on my way to getting drunk, visibly so and my older son (then 7) said to me in the most heartbreaking and angry voice ever "mommy I HATE it when you get a headache" He didn't understand what getting drunk was or alcohol or things like that, but he associated my drunken behaviour, slurry words, short temperament with "having a headache" as the nanny had explained.
Unbelievably so I still kept on drinking for months after that. I felt there was no way out, I couldn't find the way out, I simply could not stop, not even for a day. Everyone here kept suggesting rehab and I pushed back saying there was no way in the world I could leave my responsibilities- household, work or my kids- for a month. But finally I came to a point where there was no other option. I was killing myself, or at a minimum killing my soul and running my children's lives. I managed to set up a plan for everything and went away to rehab for a month. Lo and behold everyone survived in my absence. I have had one extended relapse (a month back on drinking) since then but am back at sobriety and I know I never would have been able to get where I am without going to rehab. It saved my life and that of my children's.
I cannot tell you how much our relationship has thrived in these past 8 months. It is glorious. They trust me again, they love me again, we have fun together, they want to be with me, be around me, talk to me, snuggle with me. I take very good care of them- not just their basic needs, but also the "extras" of paying close attention to them when they speak, checking their school backpacks and looking at their work, planning for special movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, inviting their friends over for play time, taking them to the park, being patient when they have bad days or moments. It is not always easy and I do sometimes struggle but it is better with the intensity of a million white hot shining suns.
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Old 08-25-2018, 12:09 AM
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you can do this hopedeferred

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