Kyng

Hi all,
Day 6 for me and I decided to ditch out on work early today to get to a nooner meeting for newcomers. It was good, learned alot from a couple people with years of sobriety. I admitted that I had been struggling and relapsing for the past little while, as they had seen me for the past couple months in a pattern where I would pop in for a meeting, then disappear to drink for two weeks. They are still as welcoming, and its great to feel the support. I read something on SR yesterday that said 'you can't dip your toe into recovery and expect it to work for you', and that hit home for some reason. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't get my butt to those meetings, I drink. It's as simple as that. When I complicate that thought with other ideas or justifications, I drink. Its time to stop pussyfooting around and accept the fact I'm an alcoholic and move on from there.

I was listening to everything I said and replaying it in my head after the meeting, and started beating myself up for sounding like such a victim, like every other time I'm in there. Like the world did this to me and all I am is angry about it. I'm repulsed at myself when my brain starts to think this way and my words sound it. I feel embarassed.

So for now I'm just trying to keep my head up and look for reasons not to be the victim anymore, and look for reasons to look whatever life throws at me right in the face.

Thanks guys,
K

awuh1

Seems like you have a fairly good attitude about things at this point Kyng. There is a reason that 90 meetings in 90 days is often recommended.

Come all the way in and sit all the way down.

dreamsneverend

It's a good idea not to chase your tail in the early days of sobriety - it leads to the victim mentality you talk about, and ducking in and out of meetings and commitments. Stick to the rudiments of 'I will not drink today', get sober time under your belt, and look at the motivations that led you to addiction a bit later. Overanalysing can be really paralysing.

Kyng

Thanks awuh1, I'm more forcing myself to feel positive than actually feeling it but I'm just trying to find whatever works.

And thank you dreamsneverend, I think you're right. My head automatically over analyzes everything and AA is no different for me. I think I do just need to hit the hay sober tonight, and then worry about all this stuff when I'm feelimg stronger

Soberwolf

Great job on day 6 Kyng

Meraviglioso

You've got a good attitude. It is hard to not do the victim thing, I struggled with that for a long time, and still sometimes do. Why me? Poor me. But you are right, we just have to accept it and get on with it.
Congratulations on 6 days, keep at it.

Dee74

I was amazed at how much of the real me I re-discovered in 90 days Kyng - try not to beat yourself up too much - you're still getting over a very prolonged case of self poisoning

August252015

Definitely! IME....there is just so much to learn and understand as you get into AA and I had to take that pressure off at first and just get used to GOING. As we say "Time takes time" and there is no final exam in this one, so there's a lot of truth behind "easy does it" (sidenote: all the AA jargon really grated on me at first, still sometimes does, but it is all true!). It is freeing when you accept that right now, your only job is not to drink. Your brain will begin to absorb and process everything as you are ready and able, I promise.

Keep coming back! You already know that's the only way to make it stick.

january161992

great job on 6 days