Relapse after emotional trauma. Back at day 4. Again.
 

Hi all.

Been a week or so since I've been here. Had quite the shocker during marriage counseling 10 days ago (the last day I posted) when hubs announced he was back into porn, but it had been over a year since.

Liar, I knew it.

After a little digging and asking him to final come clean, he admitted he never stopped after the last three years. He's been doing it non stop. Google Chrome has this thing called "incognito mode" and it's all there. You can't find it, but I told him I just knew.

The last three years have a been a lie. I've hit two meetings since this big revelation, can't talk about it without being an emotional wreck and I also have individual counseling set up.

I'm staying sober (yay) but my biggest problem or challenge is to stay that way as I go through some serious emotional issues such as lack of self esteem, the betrayal, the trickle-truth (I know there's more, I asked him to take a polygraph) and all the crap that goes with being the spouse of a porn addicted husband.

Any advice is appreciated. I do now have a sponsor (yay) and have reached out to her. I just need support like never before.

Welcome back NB. Sorry to hear about your issues with your Husband, hope you can come to some type of amicable agreement and he can get help for other issues if he needs it.

I think the main thing to remember is that alcohol is never going to help in any stressful situation. If anyting it's going to make it worse to be honest. So using a bad day at work/personal issue/etc as a "reason" to drink has to be taken off the table. I would be willing to bet that your sponsor will be able to help you with this too. I don't say any of this to downplay the seriousness of the other issues you are dealing with, because they are serious. But you have to learn to find other ways of effectively dealing with them without opening a bottle. We can help you with that and congrats on staying sober today and coming here to seek help.

You got support here. You have a sponsor (yes-yay- heaps) and doing stuff to change you lot. Just keep plugging away. Keep posting. Prayers to you, PJ

Know you have SR's full support NB

Hi, sorry to hear you've been having a stressful time! I hope this isn't impertinent, but I'm curious - why does it bother you that he uses porn? Maybe it's a generational thing, but it's not something that I would find unusual in a partner or a friend, although I do have a friend who struggles with watching too much which causes him distress. Hope you don't mind me asking.

I'm sorry for your situation. I think it's a mind-set. I needed to get to the point where drinking was no longer an option, ever. At that moment, my mind began to work to find new and healthy ways to deal with stress. It's not easy and it takes planning, but you can get through this.

Porn becomes a problem when it upsets the spouse
Porn becomes a problem when it interferes in every day life
Porn becomes a problem when the porn addicted spouse is so consumed by it that's all they can/do think about
Porn is like alcoholism/drug addiction. It starts small (think "Playboy") then as the addiction grows, they need more and more raunchy stimulation to get the same high.
Prom is a problem when the porn addicted spouse lies his ASS OFF about everything.

Think of it this way - if he has to hide it, delete it, lie about it, it's already a problem. It's a form of infidelity people do not understand unless they've stood on those shoes.

Sorry to sound so harsh.... but this situation for me is all of the above.

I've been journaling and talking to my sponsor/best friend. It helps. And I have a counselor I see next week.

Hi, thanks for sharing - you don't sound harsh at all, it sounds very difficult and I hope my message didn't sound disrespectful. My intention was not to diminish the difficulty of your situation at all. I hope the meeting with your sponsor goes well, sending support. X

No, you didn't sound harsh. Just a lot of people don't understand the severity of it all.

Went to my meeting last night. Hubby and I talked afterward. He went to an S.A. meeting. Then, he poured himself a whiskey. I told him not to even offer me a sip since I'm not going to allow his stupidity to ruin MY sobriety. It was tough, but I held firm.

So let me see if I understand this: He has an addiction to porn. You have an addiction to alcohol. Is one different from the other? He has about as much control over his pornography addiction as you do over your alcoholism. If he's not getting help, that's one thing. But to make out like somehow you're more of a victim because his addiction is in some way different than yours won't help the situation. Addictions cause insane behaviors. Lying, cheating, stealing, neglect, the list goes on and on. Doesn't matter what we use to fill that hole inside us with. Once we get used to it and it starts running the show, things get ugly. Maybe instead of getting angry you'd be better suited trying to understand the roots of his addiction. Just a thought.

His porn addiction is just like your addiction. He won't get help until he feels ready, just like none of us quit drinking until we were ready. He hides his behavior for the same reason you hide yours - shame, fear of hurting others.

I agree with the post above mine. I can not judge another's addiction. I need to understand it.

I'm sorry, but why are you telling your husband he's stupid? It seems like you are intentionally trying to hurt him, harm him. I thought he was trying to get help for his problem? Your problem, too.

Don't reply, please. My mistake for questioning your treatment of the one you love. I'm out.

Although I agree with the sentiment of various posts above, that addiction is addiction, let's all try to remember to be gentle with our words, our friend here is suffering.
Sending you support NewBeginnings. I hope you can stay solid in your society and your husband can seek out help as well.

Thank you. After reading a couple of these responses, I was ready to leave this place. I need support, not judgment.

If you haven't walked in my shoes, don't judge me. Read up on porn addiction THEN respond. They're both addictions, just different animals.

I never meant to come off holier then thou or with that type of attitude. I never called him stupid, please reread my post.

Maybe you ought to understand porn addiction before judging me. I'm not perfect. But I never, ever lied, deceived, betrayed and went to great lengths (sneaky etc) to hide my wine like he hid his XXX internet viewing.

i would be hurt by the lying most of all. if my spouse and I talked and she told me she stopped doing somethingI did not appreciate, I would be very hurt. I would feel betryed. Trust is paramount in a relationship. I get it. I am sorry you are hurting. As others have said, alcohol will not help you. Stay strong.

Hi NewBeginnings

I think in a relationship we're both partners are addicted, there's a tendency sometimes to focus on the other persons addiction - especially if there's been some long term deceit.

Please don't neglect your own recovery in the midst of your anger.

I'm glad that your husband is at least willing to acknowledge his addiction - maybe that will be the precursor to him actually doing something about it.

Apart from us here, there is other support too. :)

There are organisations like SAnon https://www.sanon.org/
and COSA
COSA recovery

for the family and loved ones of sex addicts.

Wishing you the best,
D

Prayers and my thoughts with you.