Had major relapse on Day 12. So disappointed in myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Had major relapse on Day 12. So disappointed in myself.
It was going well. I had lost the craving for booze and had even given away pitchers of beer I'd won at pub trivia. I was happy to drink my Arnold Palmers and was enjoying all the many benefits of sobriety. I looked and felt great. Then for work (I work very sporadically at the moment) I ended up driving a woman who lost her license due to DUIs, we went out of state and ended up in a casino town that was nearby where she was to see clients. We decided to stay the night as the casino and I already knew I was going to drink at that point. I wasn't excited about it but I wanted to play some games and I always seem to do better when I'm loosened up. At some point I'd had enough and wanted to take my winnings and retire in my room for the night but I had a hangover then next day and was not happy with myself.
I knew the driving conditions were going to be rough so I felt panicky. There was snow and we were going through some mountain passes and the roads became really slick. I planned for high anxiety so I was drinking a Mikes hard lemonade. This works like a xanax for me. The drive was long and really stressful. At some point I stopped off for another one. Made it home ok but exhausted. That night I ended up at the pub trivia but this time I drank two pints. Then my ride stopped at a store on our way home so I could buy another can of beer to help me sleep. Ugh.
Next thing I know, the next day around noon I decide a Mike's hard lemonade would ease my troubled mind (I don't even like those!). My ex boyfriend had been in contact within me and I ended up feeling angry and hurt as I am still in love with him and him contacting me reopened the wound. I felt relaxed with the drink and then later I went out for some wine. I ended up drinking a lot. My kids go to their dad on weekends so I felt lonely and vulnerable. Saturday was no better. I drank up a storm, Sunday too yesterday I had a breakdown as you can imagine, after bingeing for so many days. I cried about my life to my dad, I got angry, I wrote my ex boyfriend lots of emails. Then I went out to another pub trivia with a friend and it was happy hour so I had three glasses more of wine. The most disgusting thing I did was wake up the next morning, get my youngest ready for school, then go to the gas station at 8:30 am and buy a big bottle of high alcohol beer. The clerk and a customer looked at me kind of funny, like almost with disgust. Drank that hoping to get back to sleep as I had been up since 3 am. Sleep never came so I went to the store for groceries and decided to buy two bottles of beer. Drank them at home. Was grossed out by myself drinking all this beer at these hours. Before I was sober for 12 days I don't remember ever being quite this out of control. It's as if starting up after the sober period kicked my addiction into extra high gear. I am going to try my best to start over tomorrow.
Another awful thing I did was on Sunday I had decided that was the day I was going to quit, but I was out running errands and found myself panicky inside a Walmart so I bought a four pack of individual cups of wine. I thought I would medicate with one cup and be fine. I sat in the parking lot and drank it. Then I moved down the road to another shop and parked there and drank one more. I met a man inside the store and he introduced himself. I was so nervous but I liked what I could see of him, he seemed so nice, but it was also awkward and we didn't manage to exchange numbers. That never happens to me, where I meet someone in such a normal, healthy way and place. It usually at bars and I'm not into causal encounters so I've been single for awhile. So now my AV said I still look good even after a five days binge so I might as well go home and drink those other two cups of wine. Then I wrote the ex feeling (falsely) empowered. Of course, I didn't stop at the two wines. I went down the street and bought another bottle. By now I was broke and so I wrote a check knowing it might bounce tomorrow. I got drunk and wrote the ex even more, it's something I've done for ages with him and I honestly think he enjoys the attention, but where is my dignity? Somehow it feels like it's helping me heal but it isn't. During my 12 days of sobriety I didn't write him. I was beginning to like and respect myself. My intuition was coming back to me, I was quick on my feet and confidence was returning. The alcohol depresses me and makes me miss him terribly. I takes me down and makes me feel worthless and unloveable.
Today I finally saw it - the puffy cheeks, the dull skin, I was bloated, my stomach hurt, and the area around my liver had a dull ache. I had my last drink six hours ago. I am determined to succeed this time. I know now that I can't do just "one time" . I know now that I can't have a glass or two of wine on Christmas. And I was sad and miserable the whole time, I didn't even feel any euphoria. I was just wanting to feel anything other than sober. I even took 100 mg of benedryl one night after I had no booze left. I just wanted to go to sleep but I woke up four hours later anyway and was tired and miserable all day.
Let my tale be a cautionary one for those of you thinking about drinking "just this one time". Now I have to start all over and it feels like it's going to be forever before I feel halfway good again. I am so disappointed in myself and feel weaker than ever. And I will likely go to a meeting tomorrow, I can't risk drinking again. I am actually for the first time truly afraid of my powerlessness. I feel like this is it for me, I don't think I should ever drink again. I should also add that my mother died two years ago of early onset dementia which was probably at least in part to her decades of daily wine drinking. The doctors told us she had the bones of someone 20 years older. She died at age 64 after a ten year-long struggle that was so hard on my dad and I. Seeing her get worse and worse all the time was so heartbreaking. I recently learned too that alcohol is really awful for your bones. I just turned 43, I have time but I have to do this NOW. I can't risk getting dementia also. It is just too horrible. And my kids would suffer terribly as well. I have to do this, my life depends on it.
I knew the driving conditions were going to be rough so I felt panicky. There was snow and we were going through some mountain passes and the roads became really slick. I planned for high anxiety so I was drinking a Mikes hard lemonade. This works like a xanax for me. The drive was long and really stressful. At some point I stopped off for another one. Made it home ok but exhausted. That night I ended up at the pub trivia but this time I drank two pints. Then my ride stopped at a store on our way home so I could buy another can of beer to help me sleep. Ugh.
Next thing I know, the next day around noon I decide a Mike's hard lemonade would ease my troubled mind (I don't even like those!). My ex boyfriend had been in contact within me and I ended up feeling angry and hurt as I am still in love with him and him contacting me reopened the wound. I felt relaxed with the drink and then later I went out for some wine. I ended up drinking a lot. My kids go to their dad on weekends so I felt lonely and vulnerable. Saturday was no better. I drank up a storm, Sunday too yesterday I had a breakdown as you can imagine, after bingeing for so many days. I cried about my life to my dad, I got angry, I wrote my ex boyfriend lots of emails. Then I went out to another pub trivia with a friend and it was happy hour so I had three glasses more of wine. The most disgusting thing I did was wake up the next morning, get my youngest ready for school, then go to the gas station at 8:30 am and buy a big bottle of high alcohol beer. The clerk and a customer looked at me kind of funny, like almost with disgust. Drank that hoping to get back to sleep as I had been up since 3 am. Sleep never came so I went to the store for groceries and decided to buy two bottles of beer. Drank them at home. Was grossed out by myself drinking all this beer at these hours. Before I was sober for 12 days I don't remember ever being quite this out of control. It's as if starting up after the sober period kicked my addiction into extra high gear. I am going to try my best to start over tomorrow.
Another awful thing I did was on Sunday I had decided that was the day I was going to quit, but I was out running errands and found myself panicky inside a Walmart so I bought a four pack of individual cups of wine. I thought I would medicate with one cup and be fine. I sat in the parking lot and drank it. Then I moved down the road to another shop and parked there and drank one more. I met a man inside the store and he introduced himself. I was so nervous but I liked what I could see of him, he seemed so nice, but it was also awkward and we didn't manage to exchange numbers. That never happens to me, where I meet someone in such a normal, healthy way and place. It usually at bars and I'm not into causal encounters so I've been single for awhile. So now my AV said I still look good even after a five days binge so I might as well go home and drink those other two cups of wine. Then I wrote the ex feeling (falsely) empowered. Of course, I didn't stop at the two wines. I went down the street and bought another bottle. By now I was broke and so I wrote a check knowing it might bounce tomorrow. I got drunk and wrote the ex even more, it's something I've done for ages with him and I honestly think he enjoys the attention, but where is my dignity? Somehow it feels like it's helping me heal but it isn't. During my 12 days of sobriety I didn't write him. I was beginning to like and respect myself. My intuition was coming back to me, I was quick on my feet and confidence was returning. The alcohol depresses me and makes me miss him terribly. I takes me down and makes me feel worthless and unloveable.
Today I finally saw it - the puffy cheeks, the dull skin, I was bloated, my stomach hurt, and the area around my liver had a dull ache. I had my last drink six hours ago. I am determined to succeed this time. I know now that I can't do just "one time" . I know now that I can't have a glass or two of wine on Christmas. And I was sad and miserable the whole time, I didn't even feel any euphoria. I was just wanting to feel anything other than sober. I even took 100 mg of benedryl one night after I had no booze left. I just wanted to go to sleep but I woke up four hours later anyway and was tired and miserable all day.
Let my tale be a cautionary one for those of you thinking about drinking "just this one time". Now I have to start all over and it feels like it's going to be forever before I feel halfway good again. I am so disappointed in myself and feel weaker than ever. And I will likely go to a meeting tomorrow, I can't risk drinking again. I am actually for the first time truly afraid of my powerlessness. I feel like this is it for me, I don't think I should ever drink again. I should also add that my mother died two years ago of early onset dementia which was probably at least in part to her decades of daily wine drinking. The doctors told us she had the bones of someone 20 years older. She died at age 64 after a ten year-long struggle that was so hard on my dad and I. Seeing her get worse and worse all the time was so heartbreaking. I recently learned too that alcohol is really awful for your bones. I just turned 43, I have time but I have to do this NOW. I can't risk getting dementia also. It is just too horrible. And my kids would suffer terribly as well. I have to do this, my life depends on it.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
Very eloquent well-written post, Truthseeker. Painfully honesty. I could identify with a lot of it. I took 1 night off in May after a couple of sober months, and alcohol's hold on me had definitely ratcheted up a few notches as you describe. That binge lasted a month, never again.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Reality
Posts: 491
I'm with you you can do this. I am only on day 3 but I get you alcohol depress me beyond believe I made me do crazy this. Lately everytime I drink I seem to lose my mind. All the best you can do it and forget about the ex.❤️️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 83
That was a hard post to read, Truthseeker, because it was so well written and so honest. I know you will be hurting right now but I hope it is worth something to know that your honest post has made it genuinely less likely that I will be be giving myself a 'night off' in the near future. I am on day 10 and could get complacent about now. Thanks a lot. I really wish you well. It will get better. Plenty of water! Plenty of SR! :-)
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
Truthseeker - you shouldn't beat yourself up... Yesterday is gone forever. It's done.
You will feel better in a bit... It just takes a little while and you will be back on track.
Lesson learned...
Can't wait to read your next posts...
You will feel better in a bit... It just takes a little while and you will be back on track.
Lesson learned...
Can't wait to read your next posts...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Good post truthseeker, maybe you could print it out and put it somewhere as a reminder if you get tempted. You had 12 days so you know for a fact things get better the longer you get between being sober and your last drink.
fyi, I did something similar to you towards the end. I abstained from alcohol for a short period of time, and when I gave in to drink, I drank around the clock. Didn't matter what day or what time it was, I was gonna drink. It was my lowest point.
fyi, I did something similar to you towards the end. I abstained from alcohol for a short period of time, and when I gave in to drink, I drank around the clock. Didn't matter what day or what time it was, I was gonna drink. It was my lowest point.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are back. How are you feeling now? It's mid-week .... that meeting sounds like a great idea. Plans for the weekend? I know that keeping myself safe (away from pretty much everything except doctors and my parents) and going to meetings were my priorities for quite awhile.
You can do it this time- you have another chance you might not get again and I hope you take it.
Good luck.
You can do it this time- you have another chance you might not get again and I hope you take it.
Good luck.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Truthseeker - I went back out for 7 years after being sober for 3 yrs. You are doing way better than me by getting back on track. I sometimes think it needs to happen that way. Further proof that we really can't touch the stuff. You learned - and now you are back with new resolve. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Originally Posted by Bunny211 
Glad you made it back. A word of advice....stay out of bars, pubs and casinos (all drinking establishments) for at least your first year of sobriety.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,716
Great post. It really made me think about what could happen to me if I decide to pick up that first drink again. I would be doing exactly what you did. So, I will not pick up that one drink!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your support and wisdom. Today I've managed to stay away from any form of alcohol. I did have a moment just maybe a half hour ago where I really wanted to go get some wine. It's snowing here and my AV, oh how cozy would it be to enjoy this beautiful snowfall with a couple of glasses of Cabernet. It's like their is always a reason or excuse according to AV. I haven't done it and I'm hoping I won't. Today I was very weepy and felt alienated from the world. I think it's a bit of withdrawal and also the benedryl I took last night. My goal is to make things easier on myself to not use any drugs even benedryl, because I'm so sensitive that I'll feel off and risk drinking because of it.
The hardest thing is trying to quit when you feel sorry for yourself and feel lonely. If I can manage those feelings better, I have a much better chance at staying sober. I also heard from my aunt today. She found a nodule in her throat and is awaiting removal and fears it may be cancerous from all her years of drinking. She said it was a wake up call and has cut way back on her drinking. There are so many medical problems that are caused by alcohol, it's just not worth it.
I'll stay close to this place, and I am very grateful for the wonderful community here. I know it will help so much.
The hardest thing is trying to quit when you feel sorry for yourself and feel lonely. If I can manage those feelings better, I have a much better chance at staying sober. I also heard from my aunt today. She found a nodule in her throat and is awaiting removal and fears it may be cancerous from all her years of drinking. She said it was a wake up call and has cut way back on her drinking. There are so many medical problems that are caused by alcohol, it's just not worth it.
I'll stay close to this place, and I am very grateful for the wonderful community here. I know it will help so much.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
