thomas11

I know there isn't as much traffic on the boards over the weekend, but I am looking for some outside perspective.

I made a conscious decision awhile back to stay away from my family. Its only my parents, brother and his wife and their 2 kids. I could leave right now and be at either of their houses in less than 15 minutes. We live that close. I felt fairly strongly about my position as it seems there is always drama. And when there isn't....they create it out of thin air. I also did it because I entered a new phase in my sobriety in which I think rather clearly and confidently most the time. In doing so, I have realized just how sh*tty they have treated me for most of my life. Just a fact. I could write a book on it. For example, my brother wanted to be a pilot so they bought him an fricking airplane so he could accumulate hours. For my "career" I took out a 2nd mortgage, bought a pick-up and a lawn mower and started a business and grew it from there. I could name 20 more examples and it has clearly created resentment on my part.

In choosing to go no contact/minimal contact, I have accomplished what I wanted to, which is to eliminate unnecessary garbage from my life. No more BS guilt trips, feeling I "owe" them something, fake kindness, not to mention the tension you could cut with a knife between my wife and mother.

Well, its been about 4 months and I think I've spoken to my folks once, and I texted my brother, once. That's it. The flip side of this is that they have not once tried to contact me. It feels like a game now (because that's how they are). A game like who's gonna "break" first. They don't know (because I have not told them) that it is not a game, it was a conscious decision because I think they are toxic. My next contact may be a phone call on Xmas to wish them a merry christmas, but no gifts, no getting together, no dinner etc...

My question is that I'm wondering if I am doing the right thing. My dad could pass any day. My nephews are growing up without their Uncle (I'm the godfather to one), and my brother and I don't talk. When my parents die, its gonna be just him and I. Will I regret it 5-10 years from now? I don't wrestle with it much, but this last couple days it has me thinking. Thanks for listening.

Maudcat

I guess it's the old Dear Abby question with a twist. Are you better off without them than with them? Maybe it's time for a list. What is good for you about your family? What is bad? Sometimes the very act of putting things down on paper--in longhand--unblocks the brain and promotes clarity. Peace.

fgo

Thomas,
That is a tough one and I do t think there is any right way to feel. You have to go with your gut.
I am in a similar situation so I can only relate how I think. My mom is one of the most toxic people I know, and we had to move her to to be near us. It has taken a toll on my brother & I. You mentioned your father could pass any day? Play the tape. We only have one family , good or bad. I know if I didn't do all I could to be there for my mom right now( even though she hates everything) I would have regrets. I know I will be at peace with myself. I see in her that she has held on to all of the negative that has ever been in her life and won't let go. Maybe there is a bit of that in your family? Life's to short . Maybe make an effort without expectations. They might be thinking the same thing you are. You can't change anyone else but yourself.

fgo

Just wanted to add, I'm heading over to see my mom. I had to laugh, I'm going to be positive, happy, & helpful. That will make her mad.. Can you relate?

ReadyAtLast

I understand as have also cut ties with some family members. I think you should to with your gut instinct on this and do what feels right for you not what you think you should do or the 'right thing'

Aellyce

I think there is no way of knowing whether you will regret any current decision in the far future and it's pretty much impossible to make accurate guesses or predictions. I would rather focus on the present and do a sort of cost/benefit analysis, ask questions like:

Do you feel solid and resourceful enough to handle these people and their possible effects on you? Following your posts over time, I had the impression that you struggled with this and that they did affect you strongly.

What could be the possible gains for you from reconnecting with them? How could they enrich your life in ways other relationships cannot?
What are the potential risks in dealing with them again? Not just on your sobriety but general well-being and perspective.

Any other (potentially hidden) motives to reconnect, other than the obvious reason of them being your blood relatives? Is there anything you might want to demonstrate to them, for example? Gain attention, admiration, respect that you perhaps did not have earlier in life? If so, are they the best potential sources of these things?

tomls

Unconditional love?

MidnightBlue

I feel for you, Thomas.

It's always extremely hard and very individual when it comes to family issues.

I can only tell from my perspective.

I tried to keep relationships with my brother (who is such a ************ you wouldn't believe. Very long story) for the sake of my mother.

When she died I also thought "it's just two of us".

I was wrong.

I cut him out completely a few years ago. My only regret that I hadn't done it long ago and let manipulate myself.

I don't know your story, of course. But we are not sentenced to our family and it doesn't make us bad or ungrateful to choose sanity over misery.

But it's for you to decide - go with your gut and don't be afraid of other people's opinion.

Best wishes.

EndGameNYC

By necessity, moral decisions are extremely difficult. Otherwise there'd be no decision at all. It's all about living with the consequences of what we do.

No one can answer your question for you, and not only because no one can accurately predict the consequences of what you decide to do. As is true of many if not most moral decisions, the answer for you will unlikely emerge as a result of thinking about it. It has more to do with character than it does with logic or reason. Making difficult decisions is about being willing to suffer the consequences of what we do, even when those consequences are potentially disturbing or disruptive. Or even life-threatening.

It's a somewhat popular notion that making tough decisions builds character. No. That's the tail wagging the dog. Making tough decisions reveals character. We don't necessarily get stronger, but we do get to find out who we are. In turn, it's essentially knowing who we are that makes us stronger. Which is neither as easy or as simple as it sounds. God help us that we'll do almost anything to avoid that knowledge, all along the way, even fabricating fantasied ideas about who and what we are in the service of silencing the most vulnerable parts within us. We don't do well with uncertainty, vulnerability, fear, change and the wind.

It's difficult for both parents and children to avoid conflict in their relationships with each other. The fact that the conflict may never be spoken or acted upon doesn't mean it's not there. All relationships involve conflict of some sort and on some level. Without conflict and struggle, there'd be no reason to grow and change. Which means, among much else, that the passing of one or the other always involves a level of guilt. It's unavoidable.

Life is hard. It's not important or necessary to make a bold statement about people in our lives, through our actions or our words, in order to arrive at some semblance of peace in our relationships with them as they near the end of the line. Nobody's listening anyway. And if they are, they'll quickly forget the message. You need to do what you need to do for yourself. No one knows what that is.

saoutchik

Tough call thomas but I would keep things as limited contact (but not no contact) That should mean that no guilt attaches to you AND you avoid the tensions and resentments that regular contact brings. If they are playing a game let them get on with it but don't join in.

thomas11

Yes. Your situation sounds like almost a carbon copy of mine. My mother has lived the life of British royalty, yet she's negative, bitter and hates everyone.

thomas11

That's where the difficulty comes in. I don't know if its the "right thing" but its the right thing for me. And I've gotten a bit selfish in my sobriety. I'm 49, I got 20 years left, I want to make them good ones.

thomas11

Tried it. This issue has been festering for a long time. I tried the unconditional love thing through most of the spring of this year. It goes fine for awhile, but eventually their true colors show through and they are pricks. Doesn't help that they are both alcoholics.

thomas11

I needed to hear ^^^^this.

courage2

I can only speak to you from my experience. As others have said, there's no "right" answer here.

My experience is this: I wouldn't say my family is toxic -- I learned a very long time ago, that it's just that everyone is just as f***ed as I am. Which is a lot. But seeing them provokes a lot of stress and bad feelings in me, and I personally don't handle that well. It saps my strength and makes me vulnerable.

I visited my mother up until she died 3-4 times a year, and that was before I was sober, and now almost 3 years in I could have handled it maybe even gracefully sober, but not at first. Before she died, I was really worried about seeing her, but I felt it was my duty. I always made sure that none of my siblings were around when I visited her. The accumulation of family really gets to me. One at a time is easier.

As for the siblings themselves, I guess as an indication of our closeness, we've all moved to distant parts. Even so, there's a place where we all gather -- I'm going to be there for 18 days soon, and I'll probably see them 2 or 3 times only. And I have rules: no dinners, nothing after dark, I avoid visits to their houses (where it's hard to leave) -- I'd rather treat them all to lunch than go to dinner at someone's home.

I've learned to say, "Can we just meet for coffee?" in response to invitations. I don't know what they think about it or say behind my back, and don't really care.

Good luck with your holidays. I hope you experience peace and joy among your real loved-ones.

thomas11

What I've highlighted above has given me much to think about. Thanks EndGame.

thomas11

Its funny you say that about not playing the game. My wife is the same as I am, and I have told my mother for 2 years she can play the game, but she'll have to play by herself. Drives her nuts.

PhoenixJ

T11. read your original post on this thread again. Imagine yourself as reading it as a complete stranger. Does this give you a different perspective on stuff?

thomas11

Wow, you are very strong Courage. I like what you said about them being a f***ed as you are. I feel the same. I got my issues, I know that. But they have theirs as well. I need to deal with mine.

thomas11

It does. And if I was to advise the person in the original post, I'd say you have to be the bigger person because you can never get those years back. Ever. Which is why I am struggling a bit. But I feel I need to remain true to myself and not get caught up on the meat-grinder of family dynamics. At least for now.