courage2

I'm not at all strong thomas11 -- don't even know why you say that? no matter. I'm just really conflict-avoidant, so I don't tell them I won't see them, but I arrange not to see them.

There *is* one sibling I like -- I have coffee or lunch w/her maybe 4 times a year, and it suits us both. We're none of us people to pretend feelings we don't have. Maybe that's why both of our parents & 3-4 of us have problems w/alcohol or drugs, and the fourth is severely depressed.

Yet life is good.

entropy1964

Hi Jeff
Man I'm thinking about your post....so few words, so much said. And I relate sooooo much.

I can't give advice but I can share how I relate. My family is, ehem, dysfunctional. The covert dysfunction of growing up is over (the alcoholism, emotional neglect, sexual abuse etc etc) but the residual dysfunction is still there. It never ceases to amaze me how, when we're all together, we all revert back into our weird roles and relationships...and parental favoritism? Yes, it exists, big time BIG TIME. Its like the dirty underwear in the middle of the room or something. Oh no we love ALL our children. Bull Shlit. I'm glad I only have one.....no choice. She wins! I am the youngest of 5, only girl. The automatic response of everyone : "Oh my gosh you must have been such a spoiled princess". Oh yeah, it was awesome. NOT. I'm not the only one that was neglected however. Pretty sure the sexual abuse was special, just for me.

That being said, I moved as far away as I could rationalize. Like any good dysfunctional family we are very enmeshed....we hate to love each other, or love to hate each other. I couldn't do what you did. Say no. I had to move 2 states away to say no. The up side? I have a very good 'reason' for not seeing them. The down side? When I do see them its for 2 weeks. Ugh.

So, details aside, I had to face that my family is a group of sick people. Not bad. Well 1 is bad, the rest are just playing their parts in this sick drama. I do love them, cause if I didn't, I wouldn't be troubled with them. My parents are old, ailing and I know won't be around much longer. So I have accepted that I do wish to have contact. But that contact is on my terms. If I think about the past, try to 'figure' it out, I get all flucked up in the head. I simply have to let it go to my higher power because I will never understand my family or my role or my relationship to them. I won't forget that I was abused, I won't forget that I wasn't protected. But I have let it go.

I admit that I sometimes wish it were all over. Mom and Dad off on the highway to the ever after and I never have to see any them again. And frankly, I might not ever see my brothers again after they pass. No one ever contacts me. No one has ever visited me. Ever. And there's no game being played. I'm pretty sure its outta sight outta mind. So I'm guessing if I stop, it all stops. But I know I would regret deeply writing my parents off in their last years.

Ok, well, that said nothing! Thanks though. I feel better.

aasharon90

For me, years down the road sober and
I have no contact with family, my choice.

I tried countless times sober to "fit in"
with family, doing the right thing, following
with acceptance, understanding etc as I
was taught in recovery, to only return
home just as miserable.

I eventually had had enough and
decided for me and my peace of
mind and to protect my sobriety
was to place all my family and loved
ones into my Higher Power's Hands
for care and protection.

I don't want to have to pretend like
nothings wrong or things in the past
hadn't happened. I have learned to
forgive and let go and turn it all over
to my HP.

I am who I am and I accept that and
I cant make others in my family walk
on egg shells for me or treat me like
I'm contagious or even as a door matt.

I respect myself today to not allow
anyone, even family to bring me down
to their level.

Does it bother me that I don't have
a close connection to my family? Not
really because ive been apart from
them for a long time now and in my
gut don't believe things with them
could or would be any better. That's
just how I feel.

Ive done all I could in the past to make
things right with my family and it didn't
work out, so I accepted it and have moved
on in my own life trusting in my HP for
continued guidance, direction, love and
care.

You have to do what you feel is best
for you and your situation and no one
knows more about your own family
than you.

If talking to a councilor or someone
who understands family dynamics
and addiction then seek for answers
there too. It never hurts to remain
teachable.

Gottalife

I have a mother and sister I haven't spoken to for years. They are both chronic alcoholics and want nothing to do with me or any of our extended family, who are a pretty nice bunch of people. I have done all I can to help them, and I choose not to have their nonsense in my life.

I have a sister in law who also can't be trusted. I have long forgiven her for something nasty she did when my wife, her sister was dying. Almost wrecked our business, but she never acknowledged anything wrong with her actions so there can be no reconciliation and restoration of trust, and I'm fine with that.

She has two sons, my only nephews, and I certainly want to be part of their lives. They are my children's only first cousins. I will spend Christmas with them as usual this year. My forgiving of my sister in law happened almost automatically and I have no problem being in the same room. I get on fine with mother in law and nephews.

I guess part of the reason I want to be there is for the benefit of my children, who are grown up now. Apart from her sister, my wife's family are lovely people too, and being a part of the extended family is something I missed out on in childhood as we travelled so much. I am making up for it now.

I would like to claim I had a lot of wisdom and insight gained though many years on the sober path, and that is how I was able to stay involved in a positive way. But it wouldn't be true. It has been the practice of the AA program as a way of life that solved these problems. Obstacles in my way of thinking have been removed, my whole outlook is different, and I seem to be able to deal with situations that used to baffle me. The inspiration and guidance that comes from fairly regular prayer and meditation, seems to have me reacting and behaving completely differently to how I would have in the past. It is not forced, not discipline, more like inspiration that comes naturally.

My father was a super guy. British, stiff upper lip, we never talked about anything like feelings and emotions. I wrote to him expressing my regret for my past behaviour, and letting him know I loved him and appreciated all the things he had done for me. He wrote a nice letter back. We never discussed those letters, but when he died I was very grateful that nothing remained unsaid between us.

Sometimes what we could not say face to face, can be expressed through a letter and have the same effect.

Hope this helps.

Toronto68

This is a really good question, because it is one that a lot of people will identify with from one perspective or another.

Many of us talk about people in our lives being "toxic," and this is to convey how harmful they are.

You know by now that your sobriety has to be the top concern for you, even though that makes you look selfish. Once we get the hang of staying sober, we learn to become more and more rigid in this belief in this understanding that we have to put ourselves at the top for this reason alone if for no other. And maybe we struggle with it from time to time, and that is what you are looking at, because you want to know if you are going to regret your rigidity. Will you judge yourself for having been so adamant that they would do you harm and it's best for you to choose yourself over them? Will you have a hard time with the fact that you will never get the opportunity to talk to them again?

You recognise the degree of resentment that can be rekindled in you through interaction with them. You also know that you cannot change them very much if at all.

We can only do so much for others, no matter who we are, alcoholic or not.

I guess I would say that the answer you should arrive at, and find satisfaction in, is the one you get when you look over these ideas of mine and those of your own. You know how to break down information as well, and you can come to the conclusion you need. The answer has to do with what is going to make you stay on the best path, and that depends on sobriety. If your father and then mother die and only your brother is there, will it do him much good to have a brother who has gone back to active alcoholism due to his response mechanisms that gave way during his attempts to get along with everyone, who are a bunch of toxic people that play games and don't want to move forward with him together? No, it wouldn't do that brother much good. We already know they do not do you much good. Once all of them have died, and you are perhaps the one to outlast them all, then will you be able to live with yourself for doing the right thing for yourself and everyone else, even though it meant being away from them and considering interaction with them to be toxic? You might judge yourself harshly. But you might also tell yourself you were doing the right thing. I have no idea what they have to say about you, but even if they would say that you are selfish and don't know how to communicate and never bother to put forth an effort to be with them, then that is something you will need to (continue to) accept and be at peace with. You would be able to tell yourself you were still doing the right thing in that case too.

I hadn't seen any of my relatives for at least 15 years (and most of them even longer), and I recently visited a family member this year (after several years of social media in short doses) and it was a brief visit, and it could not have been more perfect, I think. We have reached a point where we know what to say and how to react for each other in order to stay on the right wavelength with each other, I think. And I held a lot of resentment over the family issues went and felt constantly uncredited for having done anything good. I am not with any family members long enough to allow myself to focus on things that will rekindle resentments that achieve nothing. Instead I have some decent interactions and a good visit in my recent past where that one relative is concerned now. I find that I have done the right thing.

You have to pinpoint what the right thing for you is going to be.

Dee74

As you know Jeff I went no contact with my family for a few years.

The only way I could go back was by accepting they were who they were and I couldn't change them;

by accepting that resentments, however justified, were like poison to me and I had to let them go;

and most importantly that I did not take any of their stuff on board.

Only you can know if you're ready for that.

D

PurpleKnight

It's difficult to know how any of us will look back until that moment when a family member passes away.

What I do know is you've worked pretty damn hard Jeff to achieve the Sobriety you now enjoy, there have been many testing days and life has thrown a few curve balls on the way, so don't sacrafice that for anything or anyone, even family.

There is no harm in having boundaries and sticking to them, I did that with my dad, and contact was reduced, my life became a 2 sided coin, the life I enjoyed with everyone else sheltered away from my dad, and the life I shared at arms length with my dad.

In the end as long as we have made a decision on the best thing we think is right at the time, stick to that decision, then in the end we can look back and feel we did the best we could do in the circumstances, and that's what is important, not what anyone else thinks, but us being comfortable ourselves with our choices and why we made those decisions!!

FreedomCA

Although I would suggest limited contact and not no contact, this may not be good if they cause you a lot of pain with limited contact. Would anyone be agreeable in your family to family therapy to work on these issues that are troubling you?

fgo

thomas , I'm living with it, and I'm seeing it everyday. Get over it. Go make a change with your family.. Or just see the positive, and enjoy it, and promote it. I'm watching my mom die from seeing the worst in people. Just know, you did what you could to create love., without expectations. Kinda like starting a new company.

teatreeoil007

Hi Jeff - I don't have much advice but you have my support!!

thomas11

I'm glad I created this thread because it has provided me with some wonderful perspective. I hope others benefited as well. It has helped me realize that how I (or anyone) proceeds, depends on your perspective. My father told me to never allow your parents to die without remaining in contact. His reason was because he made that mistake. Others have told me I need to do what is right for me (which is how I am leaning). Yet others have shared that families with, or without addicts, are simply dysfunctional. I think all angles have merit.

I did something I have not done for a long time. I reviewed my posts from the beginning. While I did not find it completely depressing, I did find it educational. I don't want to regress. It helped me encapsulate the situation from the beginning, to where I am now, which is only a spot on the continuum of life.

I appreciate everyone's input, and I empathize for those who have family issues of their own. Family issues certainly do not seem to be a rarity, and I should have known better simply looking at my own family. Even my parents (who I grew up thinking were perfect) have major issues. Live and learn.

teatreeoil007

Grew up seeing/knowing my parents were flawed but loving them anyway... my upbringing was rough at times but wonderful at other times...thankful for much of it... the land ... oh the land... hard to beat... but with that came some tough lessons... could have been worse...

MythOfSisyphus

Great thread, lots to think about. I think this quote sums it up for me, though. I too am almost at that age I guestimate that barring something killing me off early I also have around 20 years or so left. That makes me really think upon what I do with the time I have. Luckily my relationship with my family is good, but I will say there's no time in my life for drama. At all!

Forgiveness is one thing; you can forgive and let bygones be bygones if the other person also wants to make amends. In your case it sounds like the situation is toxic and ongoing. If they don't want to address the root causes of your estrangement that it seems to me that any unilateral actions on your part are a waste of spiritual energy.

Obviously you will have to make this decision for yourself but in your shoes I'd probably limit contact to those situations that custom dictates a call (eg Xmas, birthdays, etc) and work on the relationships in your life that are functioning properly.