Back again
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Back again
Hi all,
I received so much strength from this group extending from Dee through Soberwolf and countless other stalwarts of this website.
I was sober for many months with a couple of setbacks and then totally sober from January through early summer. Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc.... I posted here sometime last Spring or Summer that I had slipped but that I would be right back on my feet. Sadly, that prediction turned out to be untrue.
I'm really sad to post this and had thought I would be a beacon of help to other drinkers trying to stop but I failed at this round. Right now I am not drinking (by right now I mean tonight but not last night), for the first time in quite a few months, and I am filled with remorse. To all of you who continually support those us not yet there I want to say thank you. Thank you for continuing to be on this site daily or weekly. When I logged back on today I was so happy to see many of my inspirational people still here still helping.
We sent two of my children, teens, to Europe on a school trip this summer and my wife and I were left with our youngest child and lots of free time. For whatever reason this launched some existential crisis for me that "our role" as parents was coming to an end and that I would soon be of no use to anyone. This can also be described as me finding an excuse to drink and drown my sorrows...I'm aware of this. I could have also taken that time to foster my relationship with my wife and younger child. No excuses here but explaining the thought process of a person who really wanted to find a reason to drink.
In September after a wonderful, sober, family trip.... my daughter who was drinking too much water and using the bathroom too often was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. For my wife, and my daughter, this was a terrible stroke of luck and time to create a new normal. For me it was a time to drink like a fish and to try and hide it from them. I haven't hidden it from them and at a time that I should have my A game on I am a source of worry for all of them. The kids pass it off as depression or anxiety but my wife knows the real reason for the behavior.
I am now the supportive but maudlin father and this is the last thing that I or they need to hold as an image of the father in the family. I, sadly, know that this is a terrible time for us as we adjust but that my reasons for drinking extend far beyond my daughter's diagnosis. This is a hard blow for her, and us as parents, but it is not the reason that I chose to drink again. I used this as an excuse which is pathetic but true.
Dee. I am sure you are weary of these sad and ridiculous situarionds and I feel an accountability to you for reasons related to your undying commitment to your mission. I feel this guilt for all of you who supported me in the past. I also realize that many if not all of you don't remember me at all. I also realize the "judgement" that I felt and expressed for one of our friends who could not seem to get it right and who railed against the system for many months but who now, many many months later is still sober and on this site encouraging others. I thought he was beyond hope at the time and in my state of initial hubris that I understood this and had superpowers over this condition., For all my thoughts I am sorry.
I am sober now, right now only, and hope to start again but I am also humbled. I am an abject failure at present and pray to whomever that your success stories can become mine. Very dispirited right now.
I'm back and hope to have the presence of mind to not post any more victory posts before many years pass. I am of decent intelligence, I run a business, I have a great wife and kids and i am a total lying mess.
I don't want to discourage other newcomers and apologize if I do. I have just reached the realization that this struggle is confounding and demands vigilance. I want to be honest with myself and you moving forward. I have tried to be honest on all my past posts and haven't lied about sobriety/non-sobriety but I think I lied to myself about how easy and simple it was. It is and isn't simple. Never drinking again is the key. Trying to decide when I deserve to drink is not simple.
I'm back and hope to stay back.
I'm grateful that many of you are staying the course. I hope to remain with you.
Jonathan
I received so much strength from this group extending from Dee through Soberwolf and countless other stalwarts of this website.
I was sober for many months with a couple of setbacks and then totally sober from January through early summer. Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc.... I posted here sometime last Spring or Summer that I had slipped but that I would be right back on my feet. Sadly, that prediction turned out to be untrue.
I'm really sad to post this and had thought I would be a beacon of help to other drinkers trying to stop but I failed at this round. Right now I am not drinking (by right now I mean tonight but not last night), for the first time in quite a few months, and I am filled with remorse. To all of you who continually support those us not yet there I want to say thank you. Thank you for continuing to be on this site daily or weekly. When I logged back on today I was so happy to see many of my inspirational people still here still helping.
We sent two of my children, teens, to Europe on a school trip this summer and my wife and I were left with our youngest child and lots of free time. For whatever reason this launched some existential crisis for me that "our role" as parents was coming to an end and that I would soon be of no use to anyone. This can also be described as me finding an excuse to drink and drown my sorrows...I'm aware of this. I could have also taken that time to foster my relationship with my wife and younger child. No excuses here but explaining the thought process of a person who really wanted to find a reason to drink.
In September after a wonderful, sober, family trip.... my daughter who was drinking too much water and using the bathroom too often was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. For my wife, and my daughter, this was a terrible stroke of luck and time to create a new normal. For me it was a time to drink like a fish and to try and hide it from them. I haven't hidden it from them and at a time that I should have my A game on I am a source of worry for all of them. The kids pass it off as depression or anxiety but my wife knows the real reason for the behavior.
I am now the supportive but maudlin father and this is the last thing that I or they need to hold as an image of the father in the family. I, sadly, know that this is a terrible time for us as we adjust but that my reasons for drinking extend far beyond my daughter's diagnosis. This is a hard blow for her, and us as parents, but it is not the reason that I chose to drink again. I used this as an excuse which is pathetic but true.
Dee. I am sure you are weary of these sad and ridiculous situarionds and I feel an accountability to you for reasons related to your undying commitment to your mission. I feel this guilt for all of you who supported me in the past. I also realize that many if not all of you don't remember me at all. I also realize the "judgement" that I felt and expressed for one of our friends who could not seem to get it right and who railed against the system for many months but who now, many many months later is still sober and on this site encouraging others. I thought he was beyond hope at the time and in my state of initial hubris that I understood this and had superpowers over this condition., For all my thoughts I am sorry.
I am sober now, right now only, and hope to start again but I am also humbled. I am an abject failure at present and pray to whomever that your success stories can become mine. Very dispirited right now.
I'm back and hope to have the presence of mind to not post any more victory posts before many years pass. I am of decent intelligence, I run a business, I have a great wife and kids and i am a total lying mess.
I don't want to discourage other newcomers and apologize if I do. I have just reached the realization that this struggle is confounding and demands vigilance. I want to be honest with myself and you moving forward. I have tried to be honest on all my past posts and haven't lied about sobriety/non-sobriety but I think I lied to myself about how easy and simple it was. It is and isn't simple. Never drinking again is the key. Trying to decide when I deserve to drink is not simple.
I'm back and hope to stay back.
I'm grateful that many of you are staying the course. I hope to remain with you.
Jonathan
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
I'm glad your back Jonathan, don't beat yourself up over this. We have all had set backs. It's time for day one and you already know how to do it my friend. We're here for you and you will not be judged by me for sure
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Jonathan, welcome back. Sorry to hear you've been struggling. You've sobered up before - perhaps the recent memory of what sobriety offers will help motivate you to get there again.
I've certainly walked in your shoes and can relate to how you feel. You're one day one? Make tomorrow day 2.
I've certainly walked in your shoes and can relate to how you feel. You're one day one? Make tomorrow day 2.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hey Jonathan
Glad you're back. Most of us don't take a good, honest look at ourselves until we've been brought to our knees. And though the view isn't pretty, you gotta get rid of all this shame and remorse crap. Two of the best predictors of a relapse. Or not getting out of one. It serves no purpose, and a maudlin voice of support only throws worrisome attention back on you.
You'll never hear me say "You got this!" to anyone. And those of us who thought we "got this" were treated to a disturbing awakening.
Congratulations. Right now you have the best opportunity that you're likely to have to set things right. The soul searching is over, and you've done a good job with it. It's now time to start becoming who and what you want to be.
Glad you're back. Most of us don't take a good, honest look at ourselves until we've been brought to our knees. And though the view isn't pretty, you gotta get rid of all this shame and remorse crap. Two of the best predictors of a relapse. Or not getting out of one. It serves no purpose, and a maudlin voice of support only throws worrisome attention back on you.
You'll never hear me say "You got this!" to anyone. And those of us who thought we "got this" were treated to a disturbing awakening.
Congratulations. Right now you have the best opportunity that you're likely to have to set things right. The soul searching is over, and you've done a good job with it. It's now time to start becoming who and what you want to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Jonathan,
it's a necessary thing, I think, to have the knowledge of yourself now that you have.
being humbled and having run into more confoundedness is a good starting place.
and yes, I needed the ' never', needed clarity on that, so that I could stop struggling. any urges or thoughts or imaginings after that were irrelevant to action. they came and went, but that was all.
if you are looking for excuses to drink again, you will always be able to manufacture them. piece of cake. in reality, there aren't any.
welcome back.
it's a necessary thing, I think, to have the knowledge of yourself now that you have.
being humbled and having run into more confoundedness is a good starting place.
and yes, I needed the ' never', needed clarity on that, so that I could stop struggling. any urges or thoughts or imaginings after that were irrelevant to action. they came and went, but that was all.
if you are looking for excuses to drink again, you will always be able to manufacture them. piece of cake. in reality, there aren't any.
welcome back.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Welcome back Jonathan 
No, I'm not wearied. My journey to recovery was long, hard and stupid, lol.
Looking through your post I can't see any reason why you can't make today Daty One and get back to being the real you, dad, and husband
I'm sorry for your daughters diagnosis but one of my best friends had the same diagnosis at 13 - he's 50 now and lives a life absolutely indistinguishable from mine, save for regular insulin shots which he administers himself.
It's not what I would wish on anyone, but it's not a reason to drink either.
D.
No, I'm not wearied. My journey to recovery was long, hard and stupid, lol.
Looking through your post I can't see any reason why you can't make today Daty One and get back to being the real you, dad, and husband
I'm sorry for your daughters diagnosis but one of my best friends had the same diagnosis at 13 - he's 50 now and lives a life absolutely indistinguishable from mine, save for regular insulin shots which he administers himself.
It's not what I would wish on anyone, but it's not a reason to drink either.
D.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Welcome back, Jonathan. I think you hit the nail on the donkey's tail when you stated that this illness requires constant vigilance. We feel so good and happy after months of sobriety that we can become complacent. It is in the newcomers' stories that we all realize that this is a chronic illness that requires a lifetime of treatment.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Zufrieden 
I am sober now, right now only...
Maybe a structured program of recovery and face-to-face support will ensure those tomorrows stretch on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
There are only two things you really need to know right now;
1) "Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc..."
2) You need only CHOOSE to have that back again, and ACT upon that choice daily.
That's it. It's really as simple as that.
Now, of course, the details of the daily actions.... the daily re-affirmation of the choice.... the staying true to that choice even in times of challenge - those are the keys. But if you keep it simple and try not to overcomplicated it. If you keep coming back to your OWN EXPERIENCE:
"Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc..."
Then all you gotta do is keep your eyes on that prize and live that beautiful life you know you can have.
Failure is just the unfolding of our path to success.
Get on it.
1) "Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc..."
2) You need only CHOOSE to have that back again, and ACT upon that choice daily.
That's it. It's really as simple as that.
Now, of course, the details of the daily actions.... the daily re-affirmation of the choice.... the staying true to that choice even in times of challenge - those are the keys. But if you keep it simple and try not to overcomplicated it. If you keep coming back to your OWN EXPERIENCE:
"Those days were the happiest days of the last 18 years,. My wife and I were happy together, I was focused on my children, my business etc..."
Then all you gotta do is keep your eyes on that prize and live that beautiful life you know you can have.
Failure is just the unfolding of our path to success.
Get on it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Jonathon, of course I'm sorry for what brings you here, but certainly glad you are here. I think others have provided excellent advice already. It sounds to me like you have a pretty good grip (mentally) on your situation. If you run a business, you know how to devise a plan and execute said plan. So, time to get busy with sobriety, right?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,536
It's so good to see you, Jonathan. Day 2 is rough, but something to be so proud of. You are back with new resolve - it's going to 'take' this time. Thank you for a heartfelt post - I'm sure it will help many.
Thank you for a heartfelt post - I'm sure it will help many.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Thank you EndGame.
You are in line with my wife's feelings about this. She doesn't want to see remorse or self-pity and doesn't want to hear that I am a sensitive soul. She married me because I was a sensitive soul but she married a sober person. I will do my best to eliminate self judging and looking back and replace it with the calm and realistic concept that I am a person who should not drink.
Good to hear from you and thank you.
j
You are in line with my wife's feelings about this. She doesn't want to see remorse or self-pity and doesn't want to hear that I am a sensitive soul. She married me because I was a sensitive soul but she married a sober person. I will do my best to eliminate self judging and looking back and replace it with the calm and realistic concept that I am a person who should not drink.
Good to hear from you and thank you.
j
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Thank you Fini.
I agree with you. There are abundant excuses to drink. I feel ashamed that I used a diabetes diagnosis for my daughter as a reason to go all out again.
Our friend in New York councils to stop that sort of thinking and move forward. I agree.
Self pity is a catalyst to self harm it seems.
Hoping to move forward on this second day, for the third time!.....
Best,
j
I agree with you. There are abundant excuses to drink. I feel ashamed that I used a diabetes diagnosis for my daughter as a reason to go all out again.
Our friend in New York councils to stop that sort of thinking and move forward. I agree.
Self pity is a catalyst to self harm it seems.
Hoping to move forward on this second day, for the third time!.....
Best,
j
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