DNM13

I have been having lots of problems lately just simply bonding with people and building connections. I have always been on the quiet side, but it seems worse now that I no longer have alcohol to help take down those inner walls.

My routine is typically work, gym, AA meeting, watch TV to wind down, sleep, then do it all over again. During my day I talk to very few people, and even when I do it's typically surface level stuff. Even at AA meetings I say hi to some people who have seen me around, maybe ******** a little, then sit down and wait for the meeting. After the meeting I try and hang out for a bit, but usually I just stand around twiddling my thumbs because everyone already seems to be in a conversaton with someone else.

I just don't know how to get over this. I feel my shyness is a serious barrier to my recovery and could hurt me down the road. I just got a sponsor, who pretty much just made himself my sponsor because I haven't asked anyone for 2 months. I have one girl who offered to get coffee with me sometime and introduce me to some people, so I guess that's a start.

I'm just wondering if any others have gotten over their crippling shyness, and if so, what steps could I take to help me in this area.

january161992

wow thanks dnm

you and i are seriously the same

ive been sober and very active in aa for 24 years and i feel the same way

what has helped me is to stay active in service which requires me to be at the meeting early and to interface with people

service to others has been the #1 contributor to my intact sobriety date

BringingBackB

DNM13 -unfortunately don't have much advice for you, but what I will say is that I'm exactly the same. The idea of going up to and talking to a stranger absolutely terrifies me, and I would usually wait to be approached.

It's a shame as once I get to know people I am really quite a funny and bubbly person.

doggonecarl

Not to dismiss the degree of your shyness, but it sounds like you are doing pretty good. There are people so crippled by shyness and social anxiety that they can't leave their house, can't interact at all.

You're shy. View it as a trait, not a disability or disorder that has to be cured. There are things you can do to improve your interactions. And sober you can. Congrats on your recovery.

totfit

I am not a "socialite" by any means at all. I am shy also, or at least was. I seemed to break out of my shell, when I began taking on more responsibilities in organizations. I experienced some discomfort at first, but began to break out of my shell. A job change, which requires a lot of interaction really I think helped me more than anything else. I also for a long time felt as if I did not belong. There was the shame I carried from some of my behaviors and issues with drinking that also added to the combination. It does sound like you are doing well. Look for opportunities for interaction without forcing it. I used to think I had to fix everything at once, but now it is baby steps. I try and remember it is about the journey and focus on that. I will never be overly social, but am content with where I am at this time. Everything improves with time "if" we keep trying to make small positive changes along the way. Always first and foremost give yourself a break and look at your accomplishments.

secretchord

I am shy as well. Like someone else said, try to view it as a trait. My shyness is part of who I am and I'm trying to embrace it. I doubt it will ever change. Look at the positive, at least we're not rude, loud or obnoxious.

Anna

I think you should view shyness as a part of who you are, and something you must embrace.

This is a fantastic book:

QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

thomas11

I'll just throw out a couple crazy ideas. If you have any sports background you could volunteer to help coach youth, or if your more academic, you could volunteer to help with a science club or math club etc...Also, if there is a community center or community college you could enroll yourself in a class in which you have to interact with people. Maybe public speaking or.....I dunno, something.

At the end of the day, you have to leave your comfort zone (and no one likes doing that), but you might thank yourself later in life that you did push yourself.

entropy1964

I am an introvert and I have GAD. So I can 'behave' like a shy person, but that isn't exactly it. I tend to avoid people because they exhaust me. Noises, lights, crowds scare me a bit. I have to structure my day in order to 'prepare' myself....otherwise I'd never leave the house! And I feel everything. If someone cries in AA, I cry and I sometimes have to leave the room. If people are overly energetic or 'happy' I can feel manic and again have to leave the room. Its a pain in the ass but I've learned to manage it.

I know I can be an isolater, which is a trait of shyness. Its because of fear, insecurity, lack of trust. And again that general feeling of being drained by people.

Sooo for me, in order to deal with this stuff, I have to recognize its source. If you're shy because of insecurity, lack of self esteem, fear of rejection, fear of feeling uncomfortable, etc. those are things you can deal with. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy. And practice. I have to put myself out there, even if it exhausts me and causes anxiety.

Jtmlk

Frickaflip233 is exactly right- im a 6ft male who has been shy unconfident and anxious all there life- as the book says you have to feel the fear and do it anyway and i try practicing being confident- im still easily put in my place but i must not wilt but keep practicing

Hevyn

DNM - Shyness & self-consciousness is one reason I enjoyed drinking in the first place. It seemed to calm me down. Looking back, I realize I was keeping myself from maturing & growing in a normal way. Numbing ourselves doesn't allow for change or improvement - we just stay on hold. Interacting when sober takes practice - but the more I do it, the stronger & more confident I become. You will get there.

Ann - I'm going to check out that book. Thanks.

Midwest1981

I am the same way too. In group settings I feel awkward and I normally leave first because I am not connecting to people. It can be really awkward but this week has been really weird. I don't know if I have been more confident or what but everyone has been talking to me everywhere I go. It's weird.

Dee74

I spent years trying to ;get over it' Drinking was a part of that.

Now I'm at the age where I know who I am and I'm comfortable with that. I'm shy.

People still like me

D

Avra

I am also shy and suffer from anxiety. I honestly feel it was what drew me to alcohol. Thing was it inly made my anxiety worse and the worry of what i had said/done the night before unbearable. I am prone to overthinking/obsessing and reading into situations and the drinking just added to that.

I will always be shy probably but i realize now the drinking didn't make it better in the long run. I have also started trying to step out of my comfort zone more and i am finding the more you do that the eaier it gets. That said at the end of the day there is nothing wrong with being introverted.

entropy1964

I completely understand Jt. I have to really push myself, keep moving forward, or isolate like crazy. Frankly I'm already isolated, even with pushing myself. Yesterday's AA meeting was on change. I needed to hear it and what was shared. I don't need to take HUGE steps, just small ones, frequently. I know I need to take a service position at a meeting. I know I need to do it. But I'm not....I'm scared. I do volunteer on Saturdays at a meeting, so that's a step. But that was easy because its where I went to treatment, its familiar.

So my next step is a volunteer position. Or at minimum, cleaning up after a meeting. This stuff gets me all stressed out but once I start, I know it will help me. And its simply the 'right' thing to do.

DNM13

Thanks for all the responses. I guess this is something I have to work on day by day. I often get jealous of natural extroverts because of how easy they have it in social situations. My new sponsor is one of them.

I have done a few things to attempt to step out of my comfort zone, mainly by actually joining a home group and helping setup before hand. I also got asked to be the chipmunk. I dread it every single time, but what happens is it exposes me and more people introduce themselves. I still have a problem making a conversation last for any significant time, but this is something I can work on daily.

entropy1964

DNM it truly sounds to me like you're doing well. Now its my turn You've motivated me. Thank you for that.

BrendaChenowyth

At a certain point I learned that I no longer had a reason to be afraid of myself. Then it occurred to me that people are generally all the same, we're all made of the same stuff and it all functions the same way, so now I no longer have a reason to be afraid of other people. I learned to love who I am with all my talents and flaws, and now can't help but embrace everyone else for their talents and flaws, because a lot of times theirs can compliment mine. If I do find out that they make my experience here worse, then I can just leave them alone, but I have to find out first. I can not just assume they will make my experience worse just because some of the people in my past were hurtful or difficult. I now understand that no one is automatically judging me, and if they are I can let them know who I am by just being myself. If they still don't like me, I don't want to be around them anyway. And I can not go around judging other people before getting to know them, that isn't fair. The truth is, when I hold on to anxiety that the people around me will hurt me, I am judging them unfairly. I am doing a disservice to myself because while I am pushing everyone away I am not allowing the right people in.

doggonecarl

The difference between an introverted person and an extroverted person isn't a big as you might think.

I was one told by someone, "I wish I could be so comfortable and talkative as you in a social situation. "

I was surprised by the comment, because I'm always nervous about talking to strangers and uncomfortable in many situations. I just remind myself that:

"This is a social situation." I have a reason to be talking. Everyone is just as nervous as me, waiting for someone to make the first move, to ask the question that will break the ice."

So I, as an extrovert, feel the same things that you, an introvert feels. I just don't let it paralyze me.

Aellyce

Are you shy (anxious about being around and interacting with people in general) or just very selective and not interested in everyone? One thing that people often dismiss or confuse is that not every one of us are interested in socializing just for the sake of it all the time or even often (the "introvert" concept Frickaflip mentioned) but it does not necessarily mean that we are afraid of people or interaction. We can simply have specific interests in topics, activities and people and a preference to focus on these and on individuals that can be interesting/stimulating company in these, rather than everyone or anyone. If this rings true to some extent, perhaps the best way to build social interactions and life is via your own interests. Look for specific groups that are brought together by some topic or activity rather than diffuse "hanging out".

The way I tend to experience all this is that I definitely need to make extra effort to socialize just for the sake of it or to mingle with just whoever is around me. I do make effort, for example, at work, because it helps to build work relationships and enhances the efficacy of collaborations. But I simply just don't want to do this often in my free time, there I allow myself to be selective and to focus on people and interactions that genuinely interest me. I could not be further from shy with people that interest me and when I talk about topics that capture my attention. This can be very rewarding for me while the forced, diffuse socializing takes energy and can be anxiety-provoking and exhausting. Of course from an external view point, many people don't know all this about me and they see me as aloof, reserved or shy. Until something mutually stimulating comes up

Anyhow, what I am trying to say is perhaps initiate interactions based on things that inspire you. It can even be easier because you don't necessarily need to get into very personal stuff.