Assistance with Sponsor Needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Lombard
Posts: 29
Assistance with Sponsor Needed
LONG read...
To give a little background, I have 1+ year of sobriety & working through AA. I had an original sponsor with whom I worked my 1st time, 3 months & then relapsed. While I was in an outpatient, dual diagnosis (for alcoholism & bipolar disorder) program I found a new (my current) sponsor. Since then, she guided me through my 1st year of sobriety which I will be grateful to her forever. About a month ago, I had a disagreement with something she was asking of me. It was that I should tell my 8 year old twin boys about the AA program & then attend more meetings through the week that offer babysitting services.
A couple things to know from me & that she is aware of. First & foremost, I will make the decision when I will explain alcoholism & the AA program to my sons when I feel it is appropriate. Second, I will not let just anyone watch/babysit my sons. I can count on my hand the number of people (other than family) that I have allowed to watch my sons since birth. Third, during the week we do not have any extra time in the evening to do anything more than we are already doing. I work full time, my boys have close to 2 hours of homework from 2nd grade that I must fully assist them with a night. On a side note, I share joint custody & cherish every single moment I am given to spend time with my boys. They are only young once. I know I must continue to play my sobriety first. I do attend 3-5 meetings a week (granted 2 of these are online, I still count them (my sponsor does not) because something is better than nothing & this site has wonderful online meetings that I always take away something from & am honored/thankful to participate in).
About 2 weeks ago, in the midst of probably the most stressful time that I experienced to date in my sobriety, my sponsor & I yet had a disagreement but this was much worse & more intense.
It all began with me expressing frustration about not being able to connect/actually talk to my sponsor through this stressful time. I call her at a specified time (we agreed on) every, single day. At first I tried to be understanding, I came to learn she was sponsoring a couple other women who had just relapsed. However, she had known about this stressful time with me for close to 8 months & I was really relying on her guidance, etc...I sent her a text (which she does not like, nor really approve of but it was the only way that I could get to her) that basically stated how disappointed I was that we had been continually unable to connect & that I needed to change our call time for the next few days due to a major family event. She never responded. At any rate, we did connect the following night & it was a complete blow out of a conversation.
First, she said that I should never have talked to her that way, in that tone. She doesn't speak to her sponsor that way & that she was up all night thinking about my text. Second, she went on & on about all the things she is unhappy with about me & my behavior, etc... Also, that we just talk about surface things & that she is not my friend & we need to discuss more related to my sobriety. Isn't every day life-actions & occurrences related to a person's sobriety? She also pushed & said that I was not being proactive in completing Step 5. I was taken aback & was already upset with the state of our relationship working together. At one point she even suggested that we take a break & when I was more willing to accept guidance that we could work together again. To me that was abandonment in the most stressful time for me & considered it very abrupt & harsh. She also said that this family event had been monopolizing all of my focus. For me, I felt blessed to be able to be a part of this family event & to have been asked to play a major role in this. It was a mere 2 years ago that most of my family had written me off. I also reminded her that the basis & foundation of my AA program is through honesty. Did she not want me to be honest with her, lie to her or harbor a resentment? Ugh...ugh....I soooooo disagree with so much of all of this still.
I did learn the importance of reaching out to my AA army & not solely relying upon my sponsor during hard, stressful times.
It has been a few weeks since all of this has transpired & I just don't feel the same about our relationship & working with her. I have been so bitter & have such a bad taste in my mouth about her & the entire situation. I don't want to walk away from this relationship but it may have been damaged beyond repair. We haven't had a chance to talk face to face yet due to our challenging schedules, etc. before/after attending a Monday night meeting together.
What would you do about all this? Help!
Am I a dry drunk?
To give a little background, I have 1+ year of sobriety & working through AA. I had an original sponsor with whom I worked my 1st time, 3 months & then relapsed. While I was in an outpatient, dual diagnosis (for alcoholism & bipolar disorder) program I found a new (my current) sponsor. Since then, she guided me through my 1st year of sobriety which I will be grateful to her forever. About a month ago, I had a disagreement with something she was asking of me. It was that I should tell my 8 year old twin boys about the AA program & then attend more meetings through the week that offer babysitting services.
A couple things to know from me & that she is aware of. First & foremost, I will make the decision when I will explain alcoholism & the AA program to my sons when I feel it is appropriate. Second, I will not let just anyone watch/babysit my sons. I can count on my hand the number of people (other than family) that I have allowed to watch my sons since birth. Third, during the week we do not have any extra time in the evening to do anything more than we are already doing. I work full time, my boys have close to 2 hours of homework from 2nd grade that I must fully assist them with a night. On a side note, I share joint custody & cherish every single moment I am given to spend time with my boys. They are only young once. I know I must continue to play my sobriety first. I do attend 3-5 meetings a week (granted 2 of these are online, I still count them (my sponsor does not) because something is better than nothing & this site has wonderful online meetings that I always take away something from & am honored/thankful to participate in).
About 2 weeks ago, in the midst of probably the most stressful time that I experienced to date in my sobriety, my sponsor & I yet had a disagreement but this was much worse & more intense.
It all began with me expressing frustration about not being able to connect/actually talk to my sponsor through this stressful time. I call her at a specified time (we agreed on) every, single day. At first I tried to be understanding, I came to learn she was sponsoring a couple other women who had just relapsed. However, she had known about this stressful time with me for close to 8 months & I was really relying on her guidance, etc...I sent her a text (which she does not like, nor really approve of but it was the only way that I could get to her) that basically stated how disappointed I was that we had been continually unable to connect & that I needed to change our call time for the next few days due to a major family event. She never responded. At any rate, we did connect the following night & it was a complete blow out of a conversation.
First, she said that I should never have talked to her that way, in that tone. She doesn't speak to her sponsor that way & that she was up all night thinking about my text. Second, she went on & on about all the things she is unhappy with about me & my behavior, etc... Also, that we just talk about surface things & that she is not my friend & we need to discuss more related to my sobriety. Isn't every day life-actions & occurrences related to a person's sobriety? She also pushed & said that I was not being proactive in completing Step 5. I was taken aback & was already upset with the state of our relationship working together. At one point she even suggested that we take a break & when I was more willing to accept guidance that we could work together again. To me that was abandonment in the most stressful time for me & considered it very abrupt & harsh. She also said that this family event had been monopolizing all of my focus. For me, I felt blessed to be able to be a part of this family event & to have been asked to play a major role in this. It was a mere 2 years ago that most of my family had written me off. I also reminded her that the basis & foundation of my AA program is through honesty. Did she not want me to be honest with her, lie to her or harbor a resentment? Ugh...ugh....I soooooo disagree with so much of all of this still.
I did learn the importance of reaching out to my AA army & not solely relying upon my sponsor during hard, stressful times.
It has been a few weeks since all of this has transpired & I just don't feel the same about our relationship & working with her. I have been so bitter & have such a bad taste in my mouth about her & the entire situation. I don't want to walk away from this relationship but it may have been damaged beyond repair. We haven't had a chance to talk face to face yet due to our challenging schedules, etc. before/after attending a Monday night meeting together.
What would you do about all this? Help!
Am I a dry drunk?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Yes, there is the old adage that if you put AA first, everything in your life becomes 'better' or first as well.
In reality we all know that sober or drunk, the stresses of life are real, and require coping. As alcoholics we are not the greatest at sober coping. I understand she may be stressed out having sponsees relapse. That said, my own sponsor is fairly understanding about both my motherhood and the demands of it, as well as when I go through periods that demand more of my attention and puts active sobriety work on the back burner for a little while.
I have a fairly hardcore sponsor, and frankly your story would make her shudder. I'm not suggesting she's not right for you, but I am suggesting that perhaps she is right in the sense of taking a break from one another.
I think it's healthy to rethink the relationship and whether or not it is helpful and working.
My own sponsor has never criticized my slow move through the steps. At almost 2 years we are in step 8/9.
I understand that this was upsetting, but in this relationship I believe she is out of line. She can give her opinion as to what she feels you ought to be doing, but should also be understanding if you can't operate on her time frame.
There are great sponsors out there. She might be one of them - can't say. But long story short, take her up on the offer to take a break. Really think about what you want and need, and what you think a sponsor should offer. Maybe she's the one. Or maybe she's a great sober friend that you can call once in a while.
Good luck
In reality we all know that sober or drunk, the stresses of life are real, and require coping. As alcoholics we are not the greatest at sober coping. I understand she may be stressed out having sponsees relapse. That said, my own sponsor is fairly understanding about both my motherhood and the demands of it, as well as when I go through periods that demand more of my attention and puts active sobriety work on the back burner for a little while.
I have a fairly hardcore sponsor, and frankly your story would make her shudder. I'm not suggesting she's not right for you, but I am suggesting that perhaps she is right in the sense of taking a break from one another.
I think it's healthy to rethink the relationship and whether or not it is helpful and working.
My own sponsor has never criticized my slow move through the steps. At almost 2 years we are in step 8/9.
I understand that this was upsetting, but in this relationship I believe she is out of line. She can give her opinion as to what she feels you ought to be doing, but should also be understanding if you can't operate on her time frame.
There are great sponsors out there. She might be one of them - can't say. But long story short, take her up on the offer to take a break. Really think about what you want and need, and what you think a sponsor should offer. Maybe she's the one. Or maybe she's a great sober friend that you can call once in a while.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
to me, it sounds like this is a relationship that isn't functioning well....
from your description, it sounds like there may be a complex set of reasons for that - but the bottom line is it doesn't see to be serving anyone involved.
what I do in those situations is honestly call out "this isn't serving either of us, and with no further conflict or hard feelings, I'd like to disengage and shift the nature of our relationship for the sake of both our best interests".
If it were me, I'd have an honest, humble, caring but short discussion bringing this sponsorship to a close and I'd spend some time reflecting, taking my own inventory, and moving forward in my recovery.
As the time became right for another sponsor, I'd trust in being shown the way to that person.
I don't think a sponsor relationship ought to include lots of conflict, drama, disagreement and struggle. Or any relationship.
from your description, it sounds like there may be a complex set of reasons for that - but the bottom line is it doesn't see to be serving anyone involved.
what I do in those situations is honestly call out "this isn't serving either of us, and with no further conflict or hard feelings, I'd like to disengage and shift the nature of our relationship for the sake of both our best interests".
If it were me, I'd have an honest, humble, caring but short discussion bringing this sponsorship to a close and I'd spend some time reflecting, taking my own inventory, and moving forward in my recovery.
As the time became right for another sponsor, I'd trust in being shown the way to that person.
I don't think a sponsor relationship ought to include lots of conflict, drama, disagreement and struggle. Or any relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Lombard
Posts: 29
Thank You!
Thank you both. I honestly cannot say how much I appreciate both of your posts/opinions. I have a lot to think & pray about tonight. I would like to keep you posted on the outcome if that is ok.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Hi RL,
Your story made me cringe a bit because this is exactly why I currently don't have a sponsor. I do believe these relationships can be great and rewarding, but what happens a lot in these relationships is that the vulnerable sponsee comes to rely on the experience and strength of the sponsor. A power differential develops naturally. And often the sponsor will soon ask the sponsee to do something, but it can be something the sponsee really feels strongly against, as in your situation. When you resist, the sponsor gets defensive and believes you are not following their advice and suggestions, and now you have a conflict of interest that can now cause you drama in your life and threaten your serenity, and now you feel you have also possibly developed an "enemy" in AA. I am not telling everyone to not have a sponsor, but I currently do not have a sponsor because I dislike the ramifications that can develop from this power differential between the sponsor and sponsee. Similar to you, there are things that I just did not feel comfortable doing, and I am a very independent woman. I have AA friends that I confide in and I work the steps by myself with the help of a workbook. This has been working well for me. By the way, my current sponsor is God/my Higher Power. I wish you all the best.
Your story made me cringe a bit because this is exactly why I currently don't have a sponsor. I do believe these relationships can be great and rewarding, but what happens a lot in these relationships is that the vulnerable sponsee comes to rely on the experience and strength of the sponsor. A power differential develops naturally. And often the sponsor will soon ask the sponsee to do something, but it can be something the sponsee really feels strongly against, as in your situation. When you resist, the sponsor gets defensive and believes you are not following their advice and suggestions, and now you have a conflict of interest that can now cause you drama in your life and threaten your serenity, and now you feel you have also possibly developed an "enemy" in AA. I am not telling everyone to not have a sponsor, but I currently do not have a sponsor because I dislike the ramifications that can develop from this power differential between the sponsor and sponsee. Similar to you, there are things that I just did not feel comfortable doing, and I am a very independent woman. I have AA friends that I confide in and I work the steps by myself with the help of a workbook. This has been working well for me. By the way, my current sponsor is God/my Higher Power. I wish you all the best.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Sounds like she is a dry drunk on a power trip. This is why I have issue with placing so much on "sponsorship". She has no business telling you what you need to do. With your time sober, I think I would sprout wings. Your family and other things in life are what sobriety is all about, not attending x number of AA meetings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
There are no rules in AA. But sometimes we have made agreements with our sponsors and sponsees which we should try to stick to as much as possible but also understand that life happens and sometimes people will be ill or have one off commitments. Thing is, if we can't stick to our side of the deal, there's no point forming resentments if the other person isn't willing or able to move the goalposts for us.
We also have suggestions that we give, and are given. They are offered (like sweeties) and, again, it's pointless forming resentments about what suggestions are offered, or whether or not they are taken up or acted upon.
Since getting sober and working the steps, I've had to work hard not becoming resentful when I need to set my will aside, and deal with life on life's terms (and people on their terms). Or when someone suggests a solution I don't like and it offends my people-pleasing ways to reject their advise. Life and people (including sponsors) will never be perfect - hence the importance of our HP. I find that self-will, rationalisation and wishful thinking all make for uncomfortable sobriety for me. Those 'I want...'s, 'But....'s, and 'If only...'s are like planting little seeds of resentment which quickly grow and flourish and sap my energy. Resentments are like gossiping in your head. And gossip fuels hatred, injury, doubt, despair, sadness and discord. None of which are nice to live with rattling around us. Whether you decide to stick with your sponsor or not, it's probably best to think about all the things she's done that you're grateful for a while and find a little peace in your heart for her. After all, consolation, understanding and love work together towards serenity, peace and joy. And it's much easier to stay sober with those three things!
Maybe you could hand it over to your HP, and just make your decision when you come to a natural conclusion and your temper has cooled a little. In the meantime, a resentment prayer or ten might help...
'God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me to feel compassion, understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment. '
In the days that your sponsor isn't available to take your call at the times you want to speak to someone, could you arrange that someone else in the fellowship will be available and chat? I've become quite close to some of the other ladies that my sponsor sponsors, and we support each other when our sponsor is away or poorly (or otherwise indisposed ).
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
We also have suggestions that we give, and are given. They are offered (like sweeties) and, again, it's pointless forming resentments about what suggestions are offered, or whether or not they are taken up or acted upon.
Since getting sober and working the steps, I've had to work hard not becoming resentful when I need to set my will aside, and deal with life on life's terms (and people on their terms). Or when someone suggests a solution I don't like and it offends my people-pleasing ways to reject their advise. Life and people (including sponsors) will never be perfect - hence the importance of our HP. I find that self-will, rationalisation and wishful thinking all make for uncomfortable sobriety for me. Those 'I want...'s, 'But....'s, and 'If only...'s are like planting little seeds of resentment which quickly grow and flourish and sap my energy. Resentments are like gossiping in your head. And gossip fuels hatred, injury, doubt, despair, sadness and discord. None of which are nice to live with rattling around us. Whether you decide to stick with your sponsor or not, it's probably best to think about all the things she's done that you're grateful for a while and find a little peace in your heart for her. After all, consolation, understanding and love work together towards serenity, peace and joy. And it's much easier to stay sober with those three things!
Maybe you could hand it over to your HP, and just make your decision when you come to a natural conclusion and your temper has cooled a little. In the meantime, a resentment prayer or ten might help...
'God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me to feel compassion, understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment. '
In the days that your sponsor isn't available to take your call at the times you want to speak to someone, could you arrange that someone else in the fellowship will be available and chat? I've become quite close to some of the other ladies that my sponsor sponsors, and we support each other when our sponsor is away or poorly (or otherwise indisposed ).
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Like everything in Sobriety we have to do what works for us, there are many different paths, and the ultimate goal is to be Sober and build a life away from alcohol.
Here's a leaflet on AA Sponsorship and there is a section about being free to change sponsors:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
I hope you find a solution moving forward!!
Here's a leaflet on AA Sponsorship and there is a section about being free to change sponsors:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
I hope you find a solution moving forward!!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I try to practice these principles in all my affairs with particular focus on steps 10 and 11 daily. As my conscious contact improves with the God of my understanding I find that situations that use to baffle me are easily resolved. We have been rocketed into the 4th dimension.
Once I ask God for His will and the power to carry that out, the issue is resolved and I no longer confer with flesh.
Best of luck
Once I ask God for His will and the power to carry that out, the issue is resolved and I no longer confer with flesh.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I think you mentioned she suggested taking a break. So go for it. Take the break, tell her you'll get a temporary sponsor. It'll give you time to reflect, cool down. One thing I know for sure is when I pause rather than react I generally make more informed decisions.
Or just dump her, whatever works. But you wouldn't be this worked up if you didn't care. There are two sides to every coin.
Or just dump her, whatever works
. But you wouldn't be this worked up if you didn't care. There are two sides to every coin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Lombard
Posts: 29
Thank You All!!!
A million times over....thank you all. I've taken something from each of you.
I will phone my sponsor tomorrow to talk to let her know that we should take a break & let her know that I have already found a temporary sponsor (a woman in my AA army :-)...yay) that is going to help me until I am able to connect with & begin working with a new sponsor,
Again, thank you all & hope to continue to hear from you all in different forums, as well as return the favor of all of your support.
I will phone my sponsor tomorrow to talk to let her know that we should take a break & let her know that I have already found a temporary sponsor (a woman in my AA army :-)...yay) that is going to help me until I am able to connect with & begin working with a new sponsor,
Again, thank you all & hope to continue to hear from you all in different forums, as well as return the favor of all of your support.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
It was pointed out to me that a sponsor was a person who helped you work the steps. As in read, understand, and work the steps. And that's all. I have been told that neither person in the relationship has a right to put expectations on the other person, the sponsor is not meant to always be available to you, to support your sobriety or to really do anything FOR you. They are to do one thing WITH you. That is what I was taught.
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