secretchord

What a difference just one night of sleep can do. I woke up around 3:00 this morning and haven't went back to sleep. AV is alive and well and here are some things it is saying:

You need to try the cranberry wine. The Pinot didn't taste right because it's too dry.

Drink through the end of the year and you can start sober again January 1.

You didn't have fun on Friday because you were surrounded by obnoxious drunks who can't handle their alcohol. Try drinking by yourself.

You drank on Friday, you might as well go all out now. You'll regret it if you don't.

Just through the end of the year.

What the &$%# ?!

I thought I had this. Now suddenly these thoughts? Didn't expect this at all. I'm so embarrassed to share this but I know it's important that I do.

ReadyAtLast

Please don't be embarrassed to share. The best thing to do is to come here-someone will talk you out of drinking.

I know people said to me they are just thoughts we don't have to act on them. It doesn't feel like it at the time but they will pass. urge surfing works well for me - if you google it you'll see it. I can't link.

I admire your honesty.

Dee74

It really doesn't take much to awaken the nonsense.
I really had to be on my toes for a much longer time than I thought I might be.

Use all the support you have - and may be be a little cautious about where you go and who you hang around with over Christmas. Give that nasty AV no quarter.

D

Nonsensical

I don't get embarrassed about my thoughts, I get embarrassed about my actions.

As for the AV - well, they throw at you what they throw at you. There's nothing I can do right in this moment to prevent my AV from telling me its favorite lie - Next Time Will Be Different.

All I can do is the sane thing and not believe it.

AVs can't be trained. They can't be reasoned with. They can't be shamed, or threatened, or bent to my will.

But, they can be starved. Keep starving yours, it'll get less active.

BrendaChenowyth

Well, I won't be "giving it a try just to see" any time soon.

Because after only four months that voice is gone.

Ariesagain

I applaud your honesty. That sucker woke back up...just bash him over the head with a 2 x 4 and sail on.

You've been really brave to post both this and your drinking post and FWIW, it's been a big help to me and I suspect others. NGL, the thought of having some champagne over the holiday week had crossed my mind more than once but your posts have helped me squash that thought like a bug.

Sending you a hug.

secretchord

I just want to cry.

entropy1964

Yeah its amazing how the obsession returns. As fierce and sneaky as ever.

Ariesagain

Cry. It's okay. We spend so much time squashing down our emotions and using booze to numb ourselves...it's like feeling something is so terrible we have to avoid it at all costs.

Remember, now you know what happens AND you know you've beaten it before for 364 days.

You got this.

tomsteve

if I didn't open up about what was going on in my melon, 2 things wouldn't have happened:
1) I wouldn't have learned theres nothing unique about my thinkin.
2) I wouldn't have gotten advise.

the mental obsession was quite strong with me for some time. I put faith and trust in the ones that went before me that those thoughts would disappear as I worked on recovery. in the meantime, I didn't allow those thoughts to control my action.
I had days that I got extremely frustrated with the thoughts of drinking- I didn't want them but they were there. I worked hard at turning my attention to something more useful.
and as promised, the obsession disappeared.

sc, if you want to cry, then cry! theres nothing wrong with that.
just don't drink

Dee74

Don't get discouraged secretchord

I reckon the strength of our recovery lies not in never thinking about drinking again, but in what we do in response.

You've come here and you're fighting it. You've lost nothing you learned in that sober time you had either...you've been it once and you can do it again.

This is not going stretch out into years - you'll shut that voice down again.

The roar becomes a squeak and then...nothing

I can't remember the last time my AV squeaked but it was a while ago.

Don't give up

D

newpage119

Don't cry....just muster up every inch of your strength and fight that nasty AV!!! You can do it...
NO NO NO NO NO is the answer...NEVER NEVER NEVER....
And eventually your AV will shrivel up and be a lot easier to ignore....

Be very careful this holiday season...temptation is all around....and your AV is wide awake.

Hawkeye13

Intense cravings after relapse are pretty normal--but they will pass.

Your AV won once and has intensified the battle.
Be a better warrior than it, and say no without qualification,
reset your plans to avoid tempting situations, and it will pass.

Reward yourself with positive things like being in Nature, nice food,
coffee with friends, etc.

doggonecarl

At 11 months sober you wrote:

So when I saw your post about your planned relapse, I thought "Oh, no." I didn't reply to that post because you had any number of posts that said what I would have said.

You've thought about drinking, you drank, and now you've woken the addiction. If there was every a time to be strong, to rally the support you need. Now is the time.

As Nonsensical said, drinking thoughts are just that, thoughts. It's actual drinking we are seeking to avoid.

Ariesagain

Hot chocolate...with extra marshmallows. It's the ice cream of winter.

Big hug.

terall

The only way to deal with the AV is to ignore it. Disconnect yourself from the thoughts and feelings the Beast (the misguided survival urge that wants drink) brings to you via the AV. Let the thoughts and feelings come, just act like a bystander watching them play out, but objectively. They can't do a thing unless you ACT upon them..and you won't, because YOU don't drink. Once you show no signs of bringing the Beast what it wants, it will calm down, and even if it doesn't , what can IT do? Not a thing.

secretchord

I feel duped. How do you go from being that confident to this in just a matter of hours? I don't think I'll be trying that experiment again.

EndGameNYC

I needed to do something different in order to stay sober, to stay safe before I relapsed. Get involved in AA again, talk to someone about what was going on, find a therapist. Never got around to it because, well, I wanted to start drinking again. And that's what I did. The worst decision I ever made. One that nearly killed me.

It isn't a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong. Not an academic debate between competing philosophies or ideologies. And it most certainly is not an expression of one's individuality. It's about making a decision to throw our lives on course for inevitable and rampaging destruction, causing irrevocable and irredeemable damage, and living our lives in the worst possible way that we are unlikely to allow ourselves to even imagine.

Our willingness to die, either very quickly or after a long and painful ride to the grave, destroying the goodness in our lives, and hurting those we care about most is part of the deal we make when we again pick up that first drink.

Ariesagain

Addiction. All those little brain synapses sat up and said, "hey! We remember THIS chemical! Want!!!"

Just found this great article about the biochemistry...https://www.promises.com/resources/a...hol-addictive/

shortstop81

Do NOT feel guilty or ashamed for having these thoughts. I would say it would be abnormal NOT to have cravings in early recovery.

These cravings will disguise themselves as if they were your 'real' thoughts, but really they aren't.

Remember that these intrusive thoughts will lessen over time the longer that you're sober. Giving in will just prolong it.