AV: "if you don't do this you'll regret it"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi secret,
First of all I think there s no shame on sharing this or your previous post.
In my opinion there is a very clear connection between the two, what seemed like a controlled calculated experiment was a clever way your AV found to open the door.
Whatever is playing into your head right now the point is that you have stayed sober for one whole year, so you got this, you know how to do this and regardless of what your AV throws at you now I am sure you will have seen it before.
Moments of "weakness" can be tricky, but you will come out stronger on the other side, so hang in there, you are the boss, not AV.
P
First of all I think there s no shame on sharing this or your previous post.
In my opinion there is a very clear connection between the two, what seemed like a controlled calculated experiment was a clever way your AV found to open the door.
Whatever is playing into your head right now the point is that you have stayed sober for one whole year, so you got this, you know how to do this and regardless of what your AV throws at you now I am sure you will have seen it before.
Moments of "weakness" can be tricky, but you will come out stronger on the other side, so hang in there, you are the boss, not AV.
P
True strength lies within
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 117
I quite often have these thoughts, more so now with the Christmas season coming up. And believe me they are pretty loud. I have a great counselor i can talk these things through with.
I also put into effect what he told me to do
Im very spontaneous,,so when i think about drinking i hit the pause switch in between, take time to think about what the outcome and consequences would be if i did drink, write it down, journal do whatever it takes not to follow through. Usually just the horror i reek when i drink is enough to stop me dead in my tracks . Its funny the longer i go into my sobriety, the louder the AV is telling me its ok ,, ive done good, etc. Just what is wants. Every day you dont drink,, you beat that AV to the ground. Stay strong ,
I also put into effect what he told me to do
Im very spontaneous,,so when i think about drinking i hit the pause switch in between, take time to think about what the outcome and consequences would be if i did drink, write it down, journal do whatever it takes not to follow through. Usually just the horror i reek when i drink is enough to stop me dead in my tracks . Its funny the longer i go into my sobriety, the louder the AV is telling me its ok ,, ive done good, etc. Just what is wants. Every day you dont drink,, you beat that AV to the ground. Stay strong ,
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by secretchord 
I feel duped. How do you go from being that confident to this in just a matter of hours?
My addiction made me feel confident that I could drink. Then I'd drink and it would make me feel like a slimeball that didn't deserve good things in life - so I might as well drink some more.
In 25+ years my AV hasn't told me one true thing. Why should I ever believe it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: neocortex,deutschland
Posts: 57
Also, I think not drinking, when the desire is there to drink, is the key to freeing you from addiction. It's easy not to drink when there is no desire to. The mastering of it, comes when you don't drink, even when the desire TO drink, is there. Where AVRT has saved my life, and freed me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 376
That is why this journey is literally one day at a time no matter how many days of sobriety we have under our belt. The AV never goes away - we just need to stay on top of it when/if it wakes up. Having a plan or coping skills to execute when this situation occurs is key to staying on track.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
(((hugs)))
I know that we "know" what will happen if we keep drinking, no matter how much the AV tells us otherwise. Having said that, I find it helpful reading (and re-reading) the recovery stories that have been so generously shared here. It's easy to forget how bad it can get when AV starts chirping without a reminder. These stories help me shut down the AV with some cold hard truths and call it out as a LIAR!
I know that we "know" what will happen if we keep drinking, no matter how much the AV tells us otherwise. Having said that, I find it helpful reading (and re-reading) the recovery stories that have been so generously shared here. It's easy to forget how bad it can get when AV starts chirping without a reminder. These stories help me shut down the AV with some cold hard truths and call it out as a LIAR!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: neocortex,deutschland
Posts: 57
For me, there is no, one day at a time. I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind. That leaves no opening for negotiations with the AV. Any thoughts or feelings that go against this, are pure AV, and automatically discounted.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Originally Posted by terall
For me, there is no, one day at a time. I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind. That leaves no opening for negotiations with the AV. Any thoughts or feelings that go against this, are pure AV, and automatically discounted.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
What is happening to you can happen to any alcoholic who chooses to drink again, no matter how long they've been sober.
Deciding to drink again, no matter how much I had planned to to control it this time, woke that beast up in me, too. After 30 years, it was just as ravenous and relentless as ever.
While it wasn't easy, I've made it back to that place where it's mostly quiet now, providing I maintain my spiritual condition and do whatever else I need to do to keep it that way.
You can get back there, too. It will be quiet again if you put in the work.
Deciding to drink again, no matter how much I had planned to to control it this time, woke that beast up in me, too. After 30 years, it was just as ravenous and relentless as ever.
While it wasn't easy, I've made it back to that place where it's mostly quiet now, providing I maintain my spiritual condition and do whatever else I need to do to keep it that way.
You can get back there, too. It will be quiet again if you put in the work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 979
I know exactly how you feel. One slip and then back on the wagon, then another, then another. Closer together each time. Eventually the days string together. Once I started drinking after months without it, I could go 7-8 days, then 5-6, then 3-4, then 1-2 days. For me, I CANNOT test the waters, at all. It will lead back into daily drinking 100% of the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 83
I am new here but I have really enjoyed reading your posts. I like the way you write and I admire your openness and honesty. It is really valuable for someone new like me. I am not in any position to advise or offer any specific wisdom. But I did want to say thanks for your contributions and send you my best wishes.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by secretchord
I feel duped. How do you go from being that confident to this in just a matter of hours? I don't think I'll be trying that experiment again.
The key is find out what that "work" or "plan" actually is for you. It might be recovery meetings. It could be meditation and mindfulness. It might be exercise. It could be counseling. It might be spending a lot more time in an online community like SR. Or it could be a combination of any of the above. But simply "not drinking" and just hoping you don't get cravings/urges will not work in the long term. Your recent drinking episode is a perfect example...you were not ready and your addiction "blindsided" you - but it was not for lack of knowledge that it exists, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi secretchord,
of course you feel duped. you were. by yourself.
not being snide here...i duped myself for years, so i know some of the ways that works.
which is why in an earlier post on your other thread i talked about looking at the past. how if i drank again i'd need to take apart, so to speak, my prior abstinence to see where the derailing had started. the duping.
there is no shame in this.
you previously said you had learned from this, and what i think you said you learned from drinking again was that you didn't like it and didn't, after all, need it.
now here's the opportunity for much deeper learning.
the depth of my ability to fool myself was staggering, so staggering i still wonder at times if i'm "in denial" now about how solid my recovery and sobriety are.
i don't underestimate the duping-ability.
and it's great you're not running from this but bringing it here and examining.
of course you feel duped. you were. by yourself.
not being snide here...i duped myself for years, so i know some of the ways that works.
which is why in an earlier post on your other thread i talked about looking at the past. how if i drank again i'd need to take apart, so to speak, my prior abstinence to see where the derailing had started. the duping.
there is no shame in this.
you previously said you had learned from this, and what i think you said you learned from drinking again was that you didn't like it and didn't, after all, need it.
now here's the opportunity for much deeper learning.
the depth of my ability to fool myself was staggering, so staggering i still wonder at times if i'm "in denial" now about how solid my recovery and sobriety are.
i don't underestimate the duping-ability.
and it's great you're not running from this but bringing it here and examining.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I know I cannot "out think" my addiction. I understand the thought process you had when you planned the "night off" sobriety - it was an experiment, right? Maybe to prove that it isnt more powerful than you? Something to that effect?
It does scare me. I could see myself going rogue too - so I am fighting like hell to keep things simple and stay very humble.
It does scare me. I could see myself going rogue too - so I am fighting like hell to keep things simple and stay very humble.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
I agree with shortstop. It's very normal -- in fact, expected -- that you would have cravings early in your sobriety. I don't know if you were physically addicted, but a lot of it is mental. Thinking we NEED that drink to do, feel, cope with x, y, or z. I think it bodes well that you can stand apart from those cravings and observe them without giving in to them. And they always pass.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When I was drinking, I had a drink for every occassion. Thanksgiving it was eggnog and brandy. First snow, a hot buttered rum. I had a coffee drink and a hot cider drink and a hot chocolate drink and then there was the champagne. Endless permutations of endless types of drink.
Thing is, I drank for anything.
Recovery happens in that moment between the thought of an eggnog brandy and the decision to do anything else but. Someone above called it a Pause Button. That is where recovery happens.
I'm glad you're dissecting this. I think fini's point is so important. There are infinite arguments my addiction will throw at me. My ambiguity only died down after prolonged continuous sobriety, and the absolute conviction that it is the right thing to do - that any drink at all will lead to disaster for me. No other option.
Thing is, I drank for anything.
Recovery happens in that moment between the thought of an eggnog brandy and the decision to do anything else but. Someone above called it a Pause Button. That is where recovery happens.
I'm glad you're dissecting this. I think fini's point is so important. There are infinite arguments my addiction will throw at me. My ambiguity only died down after prolonged continuous sobriety, and the absolute conviction that it is the right thing to do - that any drink at all will lead to disaster for me. No other option.
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