katmandoodle

I posted on here not too long ago but I did not get any feedback. I recently fell in love with a man who has a crack addition. I found out several months into the relationship. Back in May he started an outpatient program and to my knowledge has been clean since. We had a really good relationship..lots of laughter, dancing in the kitchen, singing, going to church, walks, trips, and I fell hard. We talked about a life together then after resolving an older criminal case, he was placed on probation where he cannot come to my home because I live in another county. At the same time, he started college full time and working full time going to rehab counseling once a week. We went from being together most everyday to once a week to only texting as he said he needed space and time. For the last few months Ive tried so hard to show him love and to be there but he has pushed me away. He says he loves me but he cannot be with me because when he looks at me he sees the hurt and sadness he has caused...and that maybe one day we can try again. I am crushed. I admit I did not give him the space because I was scared of losing him. I did still text him and would try to go to dinner but he would not even talk to me. Now he is dating/seeing a woman in his recovery group and says he loves me but cannot be with me not in love with me and that I have to move on. I am shattered and also worried about him. I miss him so much and cannot understand why he pushed me away as we were so happy and now he just starts talking to someone else. My dad and ex husband were alcoholics. I've just started attending al-anon meetings. I know I have to let go, pray, and get on with my life but I miss him so much. Will be come back?

biminiblue

Well, you did get feedback on your other thread, maybe you just didn't get the answer you wanted?

I mean, there is no answer that will soothe you right now. He has chosen to move on, has told you he doesn't want to see you and that he is seeing someone else.

I would say you dodged a bullet with this particular guy. Regardless, why would you choose to chase after someone who has made it clear he doesn't want to see you right now? Let him go and keep working on yourself. It's never easy to break up with someone, it always hurts for a while.

ChloeRose63

"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back to you, they're yours.
If they don't, it was never meant to be."

Let him move on with his life.
And let him go.

quitter62

Losing someone you Love is never easy, especially when they move on to someone else. Having made bad partner choices in the past I'd say you probably got Lucky. Dust yourself off, get your own life back in order and the right person will come along when the time is right.

Anna

Yes, you did get some responses from your original post.

I think it's disappointing for you that you have lost this relationship. The best thing for you to do right now is to focus on yourself and taking care of your life. It might be helpful to check out AlAnon in your area for support for you.

PurpleKnight

Like any relationship, we can't force people, as hurtful as it is, to like or fall in love with us, people make decisions on relationships and we can't convince, plead or force anyone into something when the feeling isn't mutual, regardless of whether addiction is involved or not, this is the same across all relationships.

But when addiction is involved, we can't let our own lives pass us by waiting on someone to come back, they may do, but what if they don't? This guy may start another relationship with someone else and live his life with them, so don't waste any more time hoping for something that may not happen.

Recovery can be a very difficult period, in the depths of addiction feelings and emotions can be different or blurred through the lens of addiction, and also in the midst of recovery when the body and mind is trying to adjust and heal, and so the turmoil of this guy's decision making or from the things he says, I wouldn't read too much into it all, the dust must settle after many months for him to find out who he really is, without the chains of addiction.

Getting support for yourself in all of this is important, you'll find loads here on SR, and Al-Anon is also great for face to face meetings!!

katmandoodle

Thank you for your response...I do not think I was looking in the right area...I was thinking I would have messages. I guess I did not walk away because he kept telling me he loved me and that he just needed time..to study, to figure things out, to work..to be alone. However, it took all of three days for him to meet someone in his recovery group and well, not be alone. I was blindsided by his choice. We were so happy and I thought very much in love. His family and I got very close as well so I miss them too. My daughter also really loved him..we did so much together. It just hurts and I feel rejected and just lied to as it is quite obvious he did not want to be alone just not with me [now]. He said every time he looked at me he saw how he had hurt me and that he just saw sadness.

katmandoodle

Yes, it is sad. We were happy and seemed so good together. I miss so much about him and his family too. I cannot understand why he moved on talking to someone else when he said he wanted time to focus on his recovery. That is the hardest part. It is just a stab to the heart after all I did and tried to be there. I am going to just back away, keep praying, work on myself, attend meetings, and try to focus on my life without him or any man for a while. Everyone says I dodged a bullet...maybe I did. It is truly the happiest I've ever been with a man. Very sad for me but maybe there is a bigger plan...I am the only woman he has ever dated that did not do drugs or drink so maybe I was just too different...I live a very quiet life style with my daughter. I guess I'll never have the answers I seek unless he decides to share with me. I pray that is ok..that is taking his recovery seriously but I wonder. He did not look very good when I last saw him..just tired and rundown but I know he has random drug testing so who knows. Thanks again.

lostgf

Its never easy to let go of someone you love. I am in the same situation as you even though I broke up with him initially but I did want him back. However, now i realize even I still love him, but in the long run, its the best to not be with him. Addict will only cost you heartache. Its life long disease. Why love someone who don't return the same to you? its easy to say than done but keep doing not contact. One day at a time, it will get better. My ex told me not to talk to him too, he did that many times but would come back and message me. This time I finally blocked him as well so I wouldn't need to risk my own love addiction recovery. One day you will be happy he's out of your life and you will meet the right one. God blessed both of us

least

Let him go and move on with your life. He has shown he doesn't want to be with you, so don't waste your time. Spend time on yourself. Don't long for what you can't have.

ByHisLove

You can't let your happiness or unhappiness depend on someone else. You can't change people. I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't want to be with me. You're better off. You deserve someone that loves you as much as you love them. Focus on yourself and when the time is right God will bring the right person into your life. 💝

Ariesagain

Some relationships in our lives aren't meant to be forever...in my single days, I used to view them like ice cream sundaes...delicious once in a while but you can't make a steady diet of them. It's much harder when you're in love, I know. My personal specialty was serial alcoholics because they were so charming and magical until the veneer wore off. (In retrospect , being one, I was probably the same way more than once, just a lot guiltier about it.) The only good part is that eventually I got smarter about recognizing the dynamic and you will be, too.

You will get through this but I'm sorry it hurts so much now.

FreeOwl

Seems like life has handed you the opportunity for self awareness, growth, and freedom from your potential for co-dependency.

Might be a really good time to grab that opportunity and just work on YOU.

FreeOwl

Also: check out the book "co-dependent no more'.

HTown

No, he will not come back

Mountainmanbob

Best to let him go and leave him (totally) alone. Surprising after time, how many of these wish to return. But, even if so you may have found someone much better for yourself by then.

Even though hard at times, as I had breakups with time down the road I saw where all worked out for the best.

It's healthy to be able to be happy and single. And then it seems in time another one comes along. The last one has turned out to be the best one. When saddened from the breakup I never would have known.

M-Bob

katmandoodle

Thank you for your response. I've started going to al-anon meetings and I am trying to find my smile again. I left a 10 year relationship never expecting to meet or even looking for anyone new. I was trYing to re-event myself, fix up my new house, and enjoy my daughter and enjoy the peace from a very non-peaceful 10 years. I met Will a few months later while working on my new house. Because of my experience with alcoholics growing up even marrying one, I managed to stay away from men who drank or any drugs. I am still confused as to why I did not run from Will when I found out about his drug use..I've never crossed that boundary before. It seemed so real what happened between us and then just a month ago even while saying he loved me but that he could not be with me in the same breath and dating a new woman from his recovery group. How does this happen? Why am I so devestated? It hurts beyond reason..how much i miss him does not make sense as I've been hurt before. I truly believed he loved me. He does not call or text. I feel like I could be dead and he would not care. I feel just like I am looking from the outside in at my life right now. I am not scared to be alone...I quite like it. I am praying..trying..I wish I did not miss him so much. How can it be so easy for him to be away from me?

Maudcat

I am sorry for your pain and hurt. Give it time. You will feel better in a while. Meanwhile, stay strong for your daughter. You never know what is around the next corner. Peace.

PhoenixJ

Addiction does not follow morals, values or respect people's feelings. Addiction at it's worst is all consuming. My prayers to you, my empathy, compassion offered with as much clumsy grace as I can muster. PJ

Ariesagain

I want to add one caveat...he may come back if he relapses and needs a soft place to land, so protect yourself. It's not even personal...the addiction needs what it needs and everyone in his life will be either a way to get it or an obstacle in the way. He may run out of money or codependents and he may turn all the charm back your way. Please guard your heart and especially your daughter's, too.