a new person I need help broke up with crack bf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
Kitkat, that really does sound awful, I imagine you are so confused and hurt. the thing is, people who are actively using drugs or alcohol do not often make the wisest decisions. I know it seems impossible to you- a clean,sane person- that after a three year relationship he would find someone new so soon and make plans to marry. But an addict often behaves erratically and makes rash and poor decisions.
I also agree with Dee this new woman is probably enabling his drug addiction. I would say he's marrying this drug for love, not this new woman for love.
Stay strong and I'm wishing you the best!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
my self esteem is just so shattered I lost everything and hé couldn't care about me at all. I'm just devasted. do u think hé had stopped using for this new woman?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
my self esteem is just so shattered I lost everything and hé couldn't care about me at all. I'm just devasted. do u think hé had stopped using for this new woman?
You know he hasn't stopped using. The only difference now is that you've moved out of this situation.
Accept the help that you are being given here. Move onwards and upwards.
We can help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
my self esteem is just so shattered I lost everything and hé couldn't care about me at all. I'm just devasted. do u think hé had stopped using for this new woman?
Your heartache will mend in time, focus on yourself, and when your least expecting it your prince charming will show up. You deserve so much more then an addict who is only going to hurt you and use you and bring you down in life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
my self esteem is just so shattered I lost everything and hé couldn't care about me at all. I'm just devasted. do u think hé had stopped using for this new woman?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
I can't stop crying I am so broken
If you're drinking or taking anything, that will make you feel worse, not better...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Sorry about the heartache you are going through. The story from my own life this reminded me of: I had a relationship (lasting several years) with someone else who drank alcoholically (I am an alcoholic as well, sober now). It was one of the hardest things I'd done but I left him in the end because the whole thing was going nowhere and was becoming more and more destructive, for both of us. I still considered him "the love of my life" for a while after we ended.
What I can confidently say now, having that story quite a a few years behind me, is that I made one of the best decisions of my life with leaving the relationship. Not only because of the alcoholism (and how we enabled/triggered each-other) but it is very easy to see with some distance that we were not really a good fit in many ways. I think I would have probably had a very miserable life with him. Instead, a few years later (when I was already sober) I married someone who is a great, very compatible partner for me. I recently ran into my ex and learned that he got back on with his old wife and is still drinking, still living the same way. He also did not appear attractive to me at all when we recently met, with my current perception.
These separations can be very hard but I doubt anything good comes of living with an addict; also doubt that addicts would ever quit for anyone else or for the sake of a relationship if they/we don't want to, for any significant length of time. It can be very hard to get out of these relationships and probably it continues to hurt for a while, but there are likely much better possibilities for you somewhere in a future given that you won't "look for him" in others (I did for a good while regarding my ex)
What I can confidently say now, having that story quite a a few years behind me, is that I made one of the best decisions of my life with leaving the relationship. Not only because of the alcoholism (and how we enabled/triggered each-other) but it is very easy to see with some distance that we were not really a good fit in many ways. I think I would have probably had a very miserable life with him. Instead, a few years later (when I was already sober) I married someone who is a great, very compatible partner for me. I recently ran into my ex and learned that he got back on with his old wife and is still drinking, still living the same way. He also did not appear attractive to me at all when we recently met, with my current perception.
These separations can be very hard but I doubt anything good comes of living with an addict; also doubt that addicts would ever quit for anyone else or for the sake of a relationship if they/we don't want to, for any significant length of time. It can be very hard to get out of these relationships and probably it continues to hurt for a while, but there are likely much better possibilities for you somewhere in a future given that you won't "look for him" in others (I did for a good while regarding my ex)
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Not everything or everyone you lose is a loss.
This all may seem so sudden, but for as long as he was using crack he had for the same time, or longer, checked out of any kind of relationship you may have hoped or imagined was there. You broke up with him for a reason. His being married, which anyone with fifteen bucks and an at least partially willing participant can do, shouldn't make him a more attractive partner. That seems to be the cutting edge for you. That he's no longer available, and that he's dropping his bag of crap on someone else. Lucky her.
I haven't heard anything about what he did that demonstrated that he loved you. If there was anything, I'm wondering whether or not it was truly worth it.
It's possible that you're grieving a loss that started happening a long time ago. There are people who are incapable of experiencing love. It sounds like you just lost one of them.
This all may seem so sudden, but for as long as he was using crack he had for the same time, or longer, checked out of any kind of relationship you may have hoped or imagined was there. You broke up with him for a reason. His being married, which anyone with fifteen bucks and an at least partially willing participant can do, shouldn't make him a more attractive partner. That seems to be the cutting edge for you. That he's no longer available, and that he's dropping his bag of crap on someone else. Lucky her.
I haven't heard anything about what he did that demonstrated that he loved you. If there was anything, I'm wondering whether or not it was truly worth it.
It's possible that you're grieving a loss that started happening a long time ago. There are people who are incapable of experiencing love. It sounds like you just lost one of them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 15
Hi KitKat,
Please know that you are not alone. This kind of thing happens to a lot of women.
You are actually smarter than I was. I stayed with my addictive boyfriend until he got tired of me not enabling his behavior and left me. I wish I had left him first every day, like you managed to do.
When you are on something like crack cocaine, you CAN NOT think about anything else. I can GUARANTEE you that he is still using, and the only reason he is with this woman is because she is probably enabling it and letting him use. NO ONE can fall in love with someone and marry them in a few months, it's impossible and it is NOT true love, you know that, and even if it is possible, in his current state, he cannot love this new woman, he cannot love you, he cannot love ANYONE, because he doesn't love himself. He is addicted to cocaine.
He wanted this reaction from you, which is why he messaged you all that crap about another woman. Try to think about it - if he was TRULY happy with that other woman, he wouldn't have messaged you to say he was happy with her, because you wouldn't have even been on his mind. Don't give in to his crap.
He's a jerk, he is clearly still on cocaine, and he will bring you down if you stick around. Love is a two way street - he's not worth it if he's going to actively try to hurt you and make you feel like killing yourself. You don't need that ****. You can do it, let him go.
Please know that you are not alone. This kind of thing happens to a lot of women.
You are actually smarter than I was. I stayed with my addictive boyfriend until he got tired of me not enabling his behavior and left me. I wish I had left him first every day, like you managed to do.
When you are on something like crack cocaine, you CAN NOT think about anything else. I can GUARANTEE you that he is still using, and the only reason he is with this woman is because she is probably enabling it and letting him use. NO ONE can fall in love with someone and marry them in a few months, it's impossible and it is NOT true love, you know that, and even if it is possible, in his current state, he cannot love this new woman, he cannot love you, he cannot love ANYONE, because he doesn't love himself. He is addicted to cocaine.
He wanted this reaction from you, which is why he messaged you all that crap about another woman. Try to think about it - if he was TRULY happy with that other woman, he wouldn't have messaged you to say he was happy with her, because you wouldn't have even been on his mind. Don't give in to his crap.
He's a jerk, he is clearly still on cocaine, and he will bring you down if you stick around. Love is a two way street - he's not worth it if he's going to actively try to hurt you and make you feel like killing yourself. You don't need that ****. You can do it, let him go.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by Kitkat255
I am quite positive he still smokes crack. I am soooo hurt. betrayed. help me! any thought!!
I would wager that this new girlfriend of his is probably also addicted, and I would not view this new relationship as a reflection on you. He is simply following his one, true love, which is not his new girlfriend, because no woman can possibly compete with a crack addiction.
Count your blessings, and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
I am going to be blunt here and I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it was true:
Your ex is someone else's problem now. You have dodged a bullet my friend. Believe me when I say this is a blessing in disguise.
Take some time to nurse your broken heart and be gentle with yourself. Most importantly, let him go. You sound like a person with a lot of love to give. You can find someone who won't hurt you and betray your trust. Say a prayer for the new woman because she's going to need it. I'm not making light of your feelings, I am so sorry this happened to you, but please believe better things are going to come your way as long as you stay away from him.
Your ex is someone else's problem now. You have dodged a bullet my friend. Believe me when I say this is a blessing in disguise.
Take some time to nurse your broken heart and be gentle with yourself. Most importantly, let him go. You sound like a person with a lot of love to give. You can find someone who won't hurt you and betray your trust. Say a prayer for the new woman because she's going to need it. I'm not making light of your feelings, I am so sorry this happened to you, but please believe better things are going to come your way as long as you stay away from him.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Kitkat.
I hope you're able to get through this with some support IRL.
I apologize for my earlier comments in this thread. I should have been more sensitive to you and your situation. It isn't possible to go from A to Z, to pole vault over the suffering of experiencing a traumatic loss and come out on the other side without processing the trauma, regardless of the circumstances. We don't get to choose the terrible things that happen to us in life, just as we don't get to choose the feelings we have when we're faced with heartbreaking situations.
I lost someone many years ago under very difficult circumstances. I felt as though I was going to die from the feelings that overtook me. My father was dying of cancer at around the same time. I had my first episode of major depression in response to all of this and, besides the constant crying, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't recall having suicidal thoughts, but I do remember just wanting to disappear.
I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and, outside of work, I couldn't function very well. I lost more than thirty pounds in about five weeks. I looked like a child in adult clothing. I some ways, my work helped me get through since I was helping many other people through their personal difficulties in my work. For many years, that has all seemed as though it happened a very long time ago. It was a different lifetime.
I encourage you to seek out face-to-face support. Although it didn't always feel that way at the time, it made a significant difference in my recovery from that loss and, eventually, from the death of my father. I don't know that there is anything else that would have worked for me. I even sat with a friend on the phone on many nights while she was having dinner, encouraging me to at least eat a banana while she ate, and consoling me as best she could. Sometimes just sitting with someone quietly can help.
It never even occurred to me to drink during that whole time and the year or more afterwards when the suffering continued to peak and then mercifully begin to subside. In fact, I learned a great deal about myself and about life itself from my suffering. I was sober for about twelve years at the time.
Please try to find the help and support you need, and please continue to use SR as a means of staying grounded to the extent that doing that is possible. Things will not always be as painful as they now are.
I hope you're able to get through this with some support IRL.
I apologize for my earlier comments in this thread. I should have been more sensitive to you and your situation. It isn't possible to go from A to Z, to pole vault over the suffering of experiencing a traumatic loss and come out on the other side without processing the trauma, regardless of the circumstances. We don't get to choose the terrible things that happen to us in life, just as we don't get to choose the feelings we have when we're faced with heartbreaking situations.
I lost someone many years ago under very difficult circumstances. I felt as though I was going to die from the feelings that overtook me. My father was dying of cancer at around the same time. I had my first episode of major depression in response to all of this and, besides the constant crying, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't recall having suicidal thoughts, but I do remember just wanting to disappear.
I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and, outside of work, I couldn't function very well. I lost more than thirty pounds in about five weeks. I looked like a child in adult clothing. I some ways, my work helped me get through since I was helping many other people through their personal difficulties in my work. For many years, that has all seemed as though it happened a very long time ago. It was a different lifetime.
I encourage you to seek out face-to-face support. Although it didn't always feel that way at the time, it made a significant difference in my recovery from that loss and, eventually, from the death of my father. I don't know that there is anything else that would have worked for me. I even sat with a friend on the phone on many nights while she was having dinner, encouraging me to at least eat a banana while she ate, and consoling me as best she could. Sometimes just sitting with someone quietly can help.
It never even occurred to me to drink during that whole time and the year or more afterwards when the suffering continued to peak and then mercifully begin to subside. In fact, I learned a great deal about myself and about life itself from my suffering. I was sober for about twelve years at the time.
Please try to find the help and support you need, and please continue to use SR as a means of staying grounded to the extent that doing that is possible. Things will not always be as painful as they now are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello:
Please try to step out and looks at this situation from the outside.
First: just ended a long relationship and is already engaged ? RED FLAG!
Second: this is s crack addict in active addiction. Do you want to marry, bring children to the world and build a life with this person?
Find support for yourself. You are not going to die. You are going to be stronger!
I'm sorry to sound so callous but seriously, count your blessing. Block him on your phone and cut him out of your life.
You deserve better!!!
We are saying all this because we were that person wants and we don't want you to go through all the pain and suffering that living with an active addict brings. It is absolutely horrible. We bring devastation wherever we go. Please get out now !!!!
Please try to step out and looks at this situation from the outside.
First: just ended a long relationship and is already engaged ? RED FLAG!
Second: this is s crack addict in active addiction. Do you want to marry, bring children to the world and build a life with this person?
Find support for yourself. You are not going to die. You are going to be stronger!
I'm sorry to sound so callous but seriously, count your blessing. Block him on your phone and cut him out of your life.
You deserve better!!!
We are saying all this because we were that person wants and we don't want you to go through all the pain and suffering that living with an active addict brings. It is absolutely horrible. We bring devastation wherever we go. Please get out now !!!!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get over him. He knows you are hurt and devastated yet tells you how happy he is with his new woman. No decent man would do such a thing he sounds nasty vindictive and you're way better off without him. You deserve so much better and hopefully in time you will learn to see that.
I know it hurts now, but you will definitely be better off in the long run.
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