PhoenixJ

sc- hi. I cannot help but feel your first post comes across like a scientific experiment. Unfortunately many of us do not have the luxury of that impartiality. I wish you all the best . PJ

2muchpain

secretchord; I see know problem with you starting this thread. To me, it's the same as someone at an AA meeting admitting to picking up again. I'm sure they admit it to both be honest and to get support from the other members, much like people look for on SR. It would be a different story if you admitted you drank and absolutely loved it. Nobody should have to keep it a secret that they relapsed, slipped, etc., especially on a venue like this with people that can relate. I think it's healthy to openly admit to drinking again. Keeping it a secret will only lead to shame, guilt and possibly more drinking. Nobody on SR or at meetings should feel they have to hide in a closet. One last thing. I am responsible for my sobriety, not anyone else's. But I'm also responsible for helping others that are struggling. John

Dee74

I don't think this thread would be the cause for anyone drinking again.

Quite the opposite really - there's lots of really good posts here, and you have said yourself that the experience was not a pleasant one.

I may not agree with what you did but I do thank you for your honesty and your sense of personal responsibility in openly sharing it here

It's engendered a discussion on what I see as some pretty important points.

As long as people remain civil and constructive in their criticism, and as long as you're ok for the thread to be open, I'm ok with that too

Dee
Moderator
SR

secretchord

Thank you Dee. ❤️

I'm okay with this discussion. I think it is important as well.

tony59

Agreed.

tomsteve

drinking isn't ANY part of my recovery.

recovery-
a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

imo, an alcoholic in recovery with a normal state of mind doesn't justify/rationalize drinking as an important part of recovery.

Tooz

Crikey I did the exact same thing. 1 year and a few days and the next bad day came along (it wasn't really a bad day, just a few things pissed me off). And I thought **** the world I'll have a drink. I can handle it now.

No I couldn't.

I've just had my first day of sobriety in weeks. I feel like ****. Shaking like a windy tree

I've spent the entire day with AA people who were kind enough to sit and drink tea with me.

There's a lot I find difficult about AA intellectually. And some of the over the top bible bashing stuff puts me off.

But NOBODY can understand an alcoholic than another alcoholic. And talking to people who understand really really helps

Airplayne

Ok. I read all of this thread, had dinner, thought about it and have to comment. I'm really impressed you made it through a year sober. That's no small feat. It's really good. I'm not going to judge you for having a drink and planning it out either. It's totally your choice. I think for me this whole sobriety thing is ugly and beautiful because of that.

I love beer. I really love beer. I would marry beer if I could. But I changed the beautiful relationship I had with it and drank it way to much and often. It damaged my health. I caused massive bouts of anxiety. It's probably contributed to my GERD, eosinophilic esophagitis, my heart problems, my sleep patterns, my job performance and more. I'm just over three weeks sober. It's a painful process getting here and I think everyone here knows what that's like. I went through a week and a half of jitters and shakes. Daily hypoglycemia. Anxiety problem. My wife even told me she wishes I hadn't stopped because I'm more affectionate when I drink. (How much does that suck!!!)

I am going to remember those problems and issues for as long as I can. I will be honest and say a N/A beer has helped me stay sober and taken that anxiety edge off. But it is not the same as having a real beer and my mouth and brain know it. It's a daily struggle. I think about it all the time.

My one question to you since you posted is what made you take the sober path? What things started you on your journey? Why did you plan the drink? I understand doing it because I've done it the last time I quit. But it spiraled into 4 months of heavier drinking and I got worse the second cold turkey go round. What problems led you to sobriety and why did you chance it? Did you forget? Did you want to see if you could dabble in it?

Please don't take my post the wrong way, I just want to share my thoughts also and understand.

lunar

From the guy that tried to quit,
moderate, experiment
and ultimately fail 20,000 times,
I wish you a strong
will to stop for good.

Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for posting.
I always thought that's what this forum was for.

I often wonder how many others wouldn't have said a thing.
I'm guilty of that, myself, on several occasions.
This time, I'm at day 120, and getting along finely.
The choice is yours.

secretchord

It's like leaving a very bad relationship, letting time settle, and then going back to get some closure.

Tooz

Airplayne.

Your post probably wasn't directed at me but I did the exact same thing and so maybe I can answer. It helps me to write anyway so I hope you don't mind.

I got sober for a year aged 36 (18 months ago).

I always knew I had a problem. I never kidded myself. I first tried when I was 24.

When I got sober the first time I was essentially homeless. Not on the streets but sofa surfing. Using friends you know. Actually somehow I was given social housing (I'm very grateful for it)

I had it for 2 months and did nothing with it. Just a couple of crappy chairs and a bed. I wasn't even paying the rent. I just sat there and drank. Didn't care. Waiting to die.

Then I thought **** I need some money to pay the rent and I got offered a crappy job £50 a day painting in the village I grew up in.

I spent it all on drink. I was in the village I grew up in, embarrassed in case someone who used to know me saw me. Something clicked.

What am I doing? I know my problem. Deal with it.

I went home and went to AA and got sober for a year.

My flats lovely now, I turned my life around financially. (I'm not wealthy but the bills get paid on time and it's a pleasure)

All in a year of sobriety.

The obsession with alcohol left me. I never even noticed it.

But I stopped talking to sober friends.

I convinced myself I'd beaten it. But you never do. I put a drink in me. And I started self destructing again.

Life is beautiful sober. Just the simple things. Looking at the sunshine. Smiling at people. No shame. Taking a walk in the sunshine.

For me alcohol brings me back to sitting somewhere on my own embarrassed at myself.

This is day 1 for me. Again.

Don't relapse - it ends in a worse place than you were before

Adam x

AnvilheadII

Do you think a slip/relapse/premeditated drunk/whatever can be an important step in a person's recovery?

The Big Book suggests for those who are not yet convinced they truly ARE an alcoholic, to try some controlled drinking.....to go to a bar, have a couple drinks, and stop. and try it again. they will soon know if they are in control, or if the alcohol rules the day.

however after that it is never recommended to test that theory again. not once one has committed to sobriety. not once we've left alcohol behind us.

any return to drinking indicates there is something wrong with our program. we did not remain faithful to our commitment.

thomas11

I've read every post. A lot of thoughtful contributions.

I have learned something very valuable in this thread.

All of you who had sober time, then decided to "have one" and didn't get sober again for years...that blows my mind. I don't know what to even make of it. Its amazing, yet tragic. I commend everyone who was able to put it away for the second time around.

JK130

After a really long run of yuck in my life, I've been thinking about drinking again. I'm tired, and done. I respect that SC brought up this topic, and I so appreciate all of your responses which I find inspirational, and strong. Thanks everyone.

Tooz

Thomas I put it away today. I'm shaking like hell. Some guys from AA were kind enough to meet me. Spent the whole day with me.

Ive 2 choices. I can drink and destroy myself. Or sit here through the pain and go back to a sober life.

Just do it better next time. I didn't make sober friends last time. I'm shy. And that's fine really. But you need them.

The guy who chaired the meeting I went to today remembered my name and quite a bit about me. I was pleased. I took his number and we spoke on the phone this evening.

There's a lot I don't agree with with AA. Bill Wilson was not some sort of God for example. He was a con artist.

Sorry if that offends anyone but that's the truth.

However the fellowship of AA is the most important thing.

Only other alcoholics can understand alcoholics.

And the fellowship is important and being honest is important.

That's what I've done today. And I haven't had a drink. And I won't. I'm struggling! But I'll be better tomorrow, and even better next week!

ZenLifter

No judgements from me. I did the same thing last year when I'd quit for 90 days. It didn't end well.

thomas11

Hey Tooz, sorry to hear your a bit uncomfortable at the moment, I respect the hell out of the fact you posted about it and are going to get through the day with no booze. Hang tough.

EndGameNYC

Only Nixon could go to China.

Tooz

Hey Thomas thanks. I'm in England so it's 1:30am here. Just hoping to sleep soon! where I live I couldn't buy alcohol now if I wanted to. I got thru the day. It was harder than day 1 the first time.

but lack of sleep won't kill me!

It was only possible because a guy from AA was kind enough to meet me this morning and he (and then his other sober friend) spent the day with me. We chatted about what's happened. They didn't tell me off. They understood. We chatted normal rubbish about other things

Dee74

You can believe whatever you like, but I don't think this is a relevant tangent to the OP or the discussion at large.

It's also against the rules in this forum:

Lets not go down that road here.

Thanks

Dee
Moderator
SR