How to get through H's doubt?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Rainbowbird - It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with regard to your marriage. There is nothing you can do to control his behavior towards you. If you stay sober you may or may not regain his trust. If you drink it is just going to give him an easy out to continue criticizing you though.
How would you act toward him if the shoe was on the other foot? Just because you are the one with the drinking problem doesn't give him carte blanche to **** all over you.
Does he do anything to support the household? It sounds like he lays around collecting unemployment and bitching about what you are doing. You are the one with the alcohol problem, but you still have the job. You are still taking care of the children. I think you should still get the credit that is due for supporting your household.
I was in a similar situation in my marriage. The marriage did not get better because when I wasn't drinking/using things got worse. My X no longer had the go to complaint about my addiction to throw in my face and she refused to own any of the problems she had. That was just my experience though. Things might be completely different for you.
Hopefully you will be able to work through the issues with your marriage after having some more time in sobriety. Sobriety might give you a clear enough view of the situation to decide to move on or you may be able to work things out. None of that will be possible if you aren't sober though.
How would you act toward him if the shoe was on the other foot? Just because you are the one with the drinking problem doesn't give him carte blanche to **** all over you.
Does he do anything to support the household? It sounds like he lays around collecting unemployment and bitching about what you are doing. You are the one with the alcohol problem, but you still have the job. You are still taking care of the children. I think you should still get the credit that is due for supporting your household.
I was in a similar situation in my marriage. The marriage did not get better because when I wasn't drinking/using things got worse. My X no longer had the go to complaint about my addiction to throw in my face and she refused to own any of the problems she had. That was just my experience though. Things might be completely different for you.
Hopefully you will be able to work through the issues with your marriage after having some more time in sobriety. Sobriety might give you a clear enough view of the situation to decide to move on or you may be able to work things out. None of that will be possible if you aren't sober though.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
He does do some cleaning around the house. Not all, but it does help. He also helps take the kids to school and pick them up and he packs them snacks for school. He also does spend time during the day looking for jobs. I'd say all of this takes him 2-4 hours / day.
So I am hoping things will get better with time. As I've read everyone's kind replies, his current behavior is most likely due to an understandable reaction to a wife who has said more than once, I'm going to stop drinking. I have said for the last time I am going to stop and now I have to show it with my actions.
So I am hoping things will get better with time. As I've read everyone's kind replies, his current behavior is most likely due to an understandable reaction to a wife who has said more than once, I'm going to stop drinking. I have said for the last time I am going to stop and now I have to show it with my actions.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me I needed to stick to my resolve, who was I doing this for, who was going to have to live with the decision, or the consequences of not following through on my decision, me, and only me, but be reassured that collectively we can give soo much support to each other as we progress on our journey.
To all the doubters, prove them wrong, there were people in my life that thought it was going to be another phase, relapse was just round the corner, but they're not laughing now, criticising or pulling me down now, I made Sobriety stick and it's become part of who I am now, don't give in, do this for you and silence the critics, the power is in your hands to do both.
I don't think anyone deserves such treatment, I'm not married, but correct me if I'm wrong I imagine, maybe naively, that life partners that commit to marriage and spending their lives together, do they not stick by their spouse and support and encourage major life decisions, especially when addiction can be life or death, in my opinion it's not you, those are his issues to deal with.
Take it slow, stick to your plan, prove the doubters wrong, and don't make any major life decisions just yet, you'll win most of them over, not all, but most, and then assess things then.
Responsibility is committing to Sobriety, that's it, nothing more, nothing less, if you or I don't drink today, that's taking responsibility for our alcoholism, you are not in denial, you are taking responsibility and making Sobriety happen with each passing day, that is the task at hand.
For me the least drama I got involved in, the better, stick to your plan, execute the plan and in time things will hopefully ease.
If no one else, SR is in your corner for support!!
To all the doubters, prove them wrong, there were people in my life that thought it was going to be another phase, relapse was just round the corner, but they're not laughing now, criticising or pulling me down now, I made Sobriety stick and it's become part of who I am now, don't give in, do this for you and silence the critics, the power is in your hands to do both.
I don't think anyone deserves such treatment, I'm not married, but correct me if I'm wrong I imagine, maybe naively, that life partners that commit to marriage and spending their lives together, do they not stick by their spouse and support and encourage major life decisions, especially when addiction can be life or death, in my opinion it's not you, those are his issues to deal with.
Take it slow, stick to your plan, prove the doubters wrong, and don't make any major life decisions just yet, you'll win most of them over, not all, but most, and then assess things then.
Responsibility is committing to Sobriety, that's it, nothing more, nothing less, if you or I don't drink today, that's taking responsibility for our alcoholism, you are not in denial, you are taking responsibility and making Sobriety happen with each passing day, that is the task at hand.
For me the least drama I got involved in, the better, stick to your plan, execute the plan and in time things will hopefully ease.
If no one else, SR is in your corner for support!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 16
I wish you the best.
I've been married twice: still married to my second wife. But lately she seems kind of distant, and I wonder if we might be headed for divorce.
Ironic thing is that both women pressured me to get married. No matter what happens with my current marriage, I know I won't get married again.
Marriage may kind o f set of a person for failure whereas if a person simply breaks up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, then that's not generally viewed as big of a deal.
I've been married twice: still married to my second wife. But lately she seems kind of distant, and I wonder if we might be headed for divorce.
Ironic thing is that both women pressured me to get married. No matter what happens with my current marriage, I know I won't get married again.
Marriage may kind o f set of a person for failure whereas if a person simply breaks up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, then that's not generally viewed as big of a deal.
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