Sober for 1 day.... barely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1
Sober for 1 day.... barely.
I can't tell you how many times I have decided to stop drinking. It's a conversation that my husband and I have had multiple times, as he is also a drinker. Yet... that conversation occurs in the morning, and by late night, we're yet again 3/4 of the way into a handle of Vodka (or Rum, depending on which one was the cheapest at the store of our choice that day.) We would alternate between all the stores we would purchase from as to not lead on that we were closet drinkers. Really, not just drinkers, but functioning alcoholics, but I can't quiet bring myself to admit that, although I would often "joke" about us being Alcoholics, knowing that the jokes weren't really jokes underneath it all.
Anyways, after a night of binge drinking with a friend of my husbands, his friend pointed out, you guys are drinkers!... with a smile on his face, no judgement at all. The fact that somebody had noticed though, and the fact that my husband followed it up with laughing and acknowledging we were, I knew I didn't want to be this way. So the next day, I told him I wanted to be done. That I wanted to be healthy. That somebody I wanted to be a Mom, and I wanted to be a true wife.. ya know... cooks dinner, cleans, snuggles in bed after. Not what I was... the drinking buddy that passed out at the end of the night, sometimes flat on my face on the floor. He said fine, but by the end of the night, I was anxious, I was really grumpy (I've noticed when I don't drink I get grumpy.) I was bored. Really bored. I don't understand how alcohol takes a boring situation and somehow spices it up, making the same situation seem less boring. Yet, it does.... and I like that.
So... what did I do? I told him we should go buy a bottle. And see, this is where I really struggle in quitting... he will support me quitting. Yet, when I break and I ask for a bottle, he will say "Okay." It's like there's no support in trying to quit. When I start to relapse, he just allows it.... my liver has been really hurting, and he knows that. He has said on multiple times "I don't want to lose you, let's quit drinking." But then, later that day, he'll come home with a bottle, or I will suggest it and he'll agree.
The only thing that stopped that from happening last night is that I had lost his debit card from when I got dinner earlier, and we didn't notice it until at the liquor store. So... we had no $$ for it. And now, here I am again in the morning, wanting to get through today without alcohol.... and yet... having so much doubt that it'll happen. 1 day sober... not by choice, by chance....
On top of it all, I have tried quitting before, but my sleep really gets affected when I do. I think that my body got used to passing out from alcohol and, somehow, "forgot" how to fall asleep without alcohol. I've tried calming teas, Melatonin, nothing works like alcohol. Just last night, I went to bed at 11:30 with my husband, fell asleep around 3 AM into a very light sleep, and woke up about every 20 minutes. And then stopped trying to sleep around 5:30 AM.
How do you quit? Especially when you're only support system just allows it??? I don't have the answer to this, and that scares me.
Anyways, after a night of binge drinking with a friend of my husbands, his friend pointed out, you guys are drinkers!... with a smile on his face, no judgement at all. The fact that somebody had noticed though, and the fact that my husband followed it up with laughing and acknowledging we were, I knew I didn't want to be this way. So the next day, I told him I wanted to be done. That I wanted to be healthy. That somebody I wanted to be a Mom, and I wanted to be a true wife.. ya know... cooks dinner, cleans, snuggles in bed after. Not what I was... the drinking buddy that passed out at the end of the night, sometimes flat on my face on the floor. He said fine, but by the end of the night, I was anxious, I was really grumpy (I've noticed when I don't drink I get grumpy.) I was bored. Really bored. I don't understand how alcohol takes a boring situation and somehow spices it up, making the same situation seem less boring. Yet, it does.... and I like that.
So... what did I do? I told him we should go buy a bottle. And see, this is where I really struggle in quitting... he will support me quitting. Yet, when I break and I ask for a bottle, he will say "Okay." It's like there's no support in trying to quit. When I start to relapse, he just allows it.... my liver has been really hurting, and he knows that. He has said on multiple times "I don't want to lose you, let's quit drinking." But then, later that day, he'll come home with a bottle, or I will suggest it and he'll agree.
The only thing that stopped that from happening last night is that I had lost his debit card from when I got dinner earlier, and we didn't notice it until at the liquor store. So... we had no $$ for it. And now, here I am again in the morning, wanting to get through today without alcohol.... and yet... having so much doubt that it'll happen. 1 day sober... not by choice, by chance....
On top of it all, I have tried quitting before, but my sleep really gets affected when I do. I think that my body got used to passing out from alcohol and, somehow, "forgot" how to fall asleep without alcohol. I've tried calming teas, Melatonin, nothing works like alcohol. Just last night, I went to bed at 11:30 with my husband, fell asleep around 3 AM into a very light sleep, and woke up about every 20 minutes. And then stopped trying to sleep around 5:30 AM.
How do you quit? Especially when you're only support system just allows it??? I don't have the answer to this, and that scares me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The two of you have quite a dysfunction going on there, huh? All kinds of excuses to just keep killing yourselves.
It is uncomfortable to quit drinking, physically and emotionally. The sleeplessness and irritability and inability to concentrate and anxiety will come. It's part of the withdrawal and healing process.
Not only that, people will not necessarily support you in quitting drinking. The ones you associate with may encourage you to drink - so be prepared with your answer. Lots of people have offered me drinks repeatedly. The answer is still no.
If your husband asked you to rob that liquor store, would you do it? How about if he asked you to sleep with his best friend?
It was my hand putting it in my mouth. My decision - alone. There is plenty of support here if you are ready to quit.
It is uncomfortable to quit drinking, physically and emotionally. The sleeplessness and irritability and inability to concentrate and anxiety will come. It's part of the withdrawal and healing process.
Not only that, people will not necessarily support you in quitting drinking. The ones you associate with may encourage you to drink - so be prepared with your answer. Lots of people have offered me drinks repeatedly. The answer is still no.
If your husband asked you to rob that liquor store, would you do it? How about if he asked you to sleep with his best friend?
It was my hand putting it in my mouth. My decision - alone. There is plenty of support here if you are ready to quit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Hi Missy! You've come to a great place for support in quitting drinking.
The main thing is, you have to really want it. I struggled so much before b/c I didn't want to quit and it may have cost me my marriage. I had to accept I was an alcoholic and that I could not have even one drink and, that it was my choice to have that drink.
It probably won't be easy in the beginning and you will have to make changes to your life and find new activities that don't involve drinking.
But, you can do it.
The main thing is, you have to really want it. I struggled so much before b/c I didn't want to quit and it may have cost me my marriage. I had to accept I was an alcoholic and that I could not have even one drink and, that it was my choice to have that drink.
It probably won't be easy in the beginning and you will have to make changes to your life and find new activities that don't involve drinking.
But, you can do it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Missy, I'm glad you found us and posted.
I hope you are ready to make the decision to stop drinking. While it might help if your husband supported you, many of us are in your position. Ultimately, this is something we must choose to do for ourselves. And, it's normal to feel anxious and angry in the first days and weeks of stopping drinking. If you stick with it, the feelings will diminish and you will begin to feel better. I think it's also important to remember that recovery is more than just stopping drinking. I had to make many lifestyle changes in order to support my recovery.
I hope you are ready to make the decision to stop drinking. While it might help if your husband supported you, many of us are in your position. Ultimately, this is something we must choose to do for ourselves. And, it's normal to feel anxious and angry in the first days and weeks of stopping drinking. If you stick with it, the feelings will diminish and you will begin to feel better. I think it's also important to remember that recovery is more than just stopping drinking. I had to make many lifestyle changes in order to support my recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome missy
There's no doubt giving up drinking is hard - especially if you've been a drinker for a long time. You will feel a little irritable, you'll probably have no idea how to amuse yourself (at first) and you may find that you have trouble sleeping.
All those are short term things tho - and they do pass. You can always ask your Dr for help and advice if any of that worries you.
Support really helped me too. This place is great in that it's here 24/7 - even if you have no support in your private life you can always ask for it here
Change really is possible - and it's great being the real me again - the me I want to be
D
There's no doubt giving up drinking is hard - especially if you've been a drinker for a long time. You will feel a little irritable, you'll probably have no idea how to amuse yourself (at first) and you may find that you have trouble sleeping.
All those are short term things tho - and they do pass. You can always ask your Dr for help and advice if any of that worries you.
Support really helped me too. This place is great in that it's here 24/7 - even if you have no support in your private life you can always ask for it here
Change really is possible - and it's great being the real me again - the me I want to be
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Hi Missy,
Your story really resonated with me, and I feel for you because I can understand exactly what you are going through. My husband and I were both drinking together too. I would wake up in the morning, tell him that I am done with drinking, and then he would see me with a bottle of wine when he came home. Totally demoralizing, right? He has never wanted to quit, so he continued to bring home his own bottles, but it looked bad for me because I was telling him I was done and then I was drinking later in the day. At least he wasn't looking like a hypocrite, lol! I think it's so sad when your husband said he does not want to lose you because deep down, he knows that drinking will eventually bring this to you guys. But you asked why the drinking continues despite the potential loss? You asked why does your husband bring you home a bottle after knowing you want to quit? Guess what I finally realized. It is nothing personal or mean or vindictive. IT IS BECAUSE YOU BOTH ARE ADDICTED, and that is why it's not personal. Ideally deep down you both want to get better and stop and you both know this. But because you are addicted, it is not happening. Fortunately, for my husband and my relationship, I was able to start reading recovery literature and I quit 37 days ago. Our relationship now has a chance of surviving because I at least quit, whereas the possibility of it surviving with both of us drinking was probably around 1-2%, if that! My suggestion is to work on yourself and your own recovery. Don't take it personally if he offers you a bottle, simply respond no thank you and that you are working on staying sober (eventually he will stop asking when he sees that you are serious). I wish you all the best and hope that at least you can achieve sobriety so that things can at least somewhat improve in your life and relationship.
Your story really resonated with me, and I feel for you because I can understand exactly what you are going through. My husband and I were both drinking together too. I would wake up in the morning, tell him that I am done with drinking, and then he would see me with a bottle of wine when he came home. Totally demoralizing, right? He has never wanted to quit, so he continued to bring home his own bottles, but it looked bad for me because I was telling him I was done and then I was drinking later in the day. At least he wasn't looking like a hypocrite, lol! I think it's so sad when your husband said he does not want to lose you because deep down, he knows that drinking will eventually bring this to you guys. But you asked why the drinking continues despite the potential loss? You asked why does your husband bring you home a bottle after knowing you want to quit? Guess what I finally realized. It is nothing personal or mean or vindictive. IT IS BECAUSE YOU BOTH ARE ADDICTED, and that is why it's not personal. Ideally deep down you both want to get better and stop and you both know this. But because you are addicted, it is not happening. Fortunately, for my husband and my relationship, I was able to start reading recovery literature and I quit 37 days ago. Our relationship now has a chance of surviving because I at least quit, whereas the possibility of it surviving with both of us drinking was probably around 1-2%, if that! My suggestion is to work on yourself and your own recovery. Don't take it personally if he offers you a bottle, simply respond no thank you and that you are working on staying sober (eventually he will stop asking when he sees that you are serious). I wish you all the best and hope that at least you can achieve sobriety so that things can at least somewhat improve in your life and relationship.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Missy, welcome. That sounds like a very difficult situation. It's hard enough to get and stay sober when you have support. I can't imagine how one would do so when your partner is not-so-subtly encouraging you to continue drinking. My advice would be for you both to go into some kind of treatment program. That was the only way I stopped drinking. Went to an inpatient rehab for 7 weeks and continued on from there. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
welcome missy!
your story is a lot like mine. my husband and I drinked together for years! It can be an awful cycle. I always thought he should quit drinking first since he was the man of the house. I often blamed him for my drinking because he bought and paid for it and never said anything to me about it. We had a lot of awful drunken fights. I spent a lot of my energy trying to get him to quit only to pick it back up myself. It was insanity.
I finally realized I had to quit even if he didn't quit. I am in control of what I put in my body. And I realized it was going to be me to get sober first. I couldn't wait on him.
I also would love to be a mother someday but really I probably have waited to long.....I hope you decide to do it for yourself. It will be hard but it will be worth it. You are worth it. Things will just keep getting worse if you don't quit. Tomorrow I'll be 6 months sober if I told my husband I was going to go get wine right now he still wouldn't say anything to me about it. I guess he figures I am an adult and thats true.
your story is a lot like mine. my husband and I drinked together for years! It can be an awful cycle. I always thought he should quit drinking first since he was the man of the house. I often blamed him for my drinking because he bought and paid for it and never said anything to me about it. We had a lot of awful drunken fights. I spent a lot of my energy trying to get him to quit only to pick it back up myself. It was insanity.
I finally realized I had to quit even if he didn't quit. I am in control of what I put in my body. And I realized it was going to be me to get sober first. I couldn't wait on him.
I also would love to be a mother someday but really I probably have waited to long.....I hope you decide to do it for yourself. It will be hard but it will be worth it. You are worth it. Things will just keep getting worse if you don't quit. Tomorrow I'll be 6 months sober if I told my husband I was going to go get wine right now he still wouldn't say anything to me about it. I guess he figures I am an adult and thats true.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Missy ,I could have written this. I am in the exact same position. My husband will also do the same things. I quit 12 days ago. I started to go to AA for some support. It's the only support I get and it helps. I have tried to quit many times. I don't know how I can stay with him any longer if I keep relapsing. I'm the bigger drunk but it's very hard to live with a drinker. Even one that you love dearly.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 36
Congrats on day 1! I just made it to day five...again. The last time I drank it was quite traumatizing. I woke up on my couch, with my work clothes and shoes on, covered in my own blood (I don't know why) proceeded to have horrible alcohol poisoning, threw up ALL day, horrible shakes, hangover like death. That all started with me reasoning to myself I could just have two drink's before I went to work, I don't even remember walking home. So that next day I quit smoking and drinking cold turkey, I have a no more bullsh*t policy. It's frustrating because I've been here before, more than I'd care to admit and tried to quit a bunch of times, I made it to 82 days before I fell back in the trap again :/ But I refuse to give up on this because I know I don't have an option. Either I quit I will die from this. Anyways not trying to be depressing lol, I'm excited about it, everything feels right, a lot of positive energy in my life now and we're here to support each other! So good on ya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
Despite the addiction, it sounds like you two both love and appreciate each other. You are a team.
Reach out to him, and tell him what you need for support. Tell him you need him to not let you drink, not to support your every whim. He loves you and he doesn't want to fight so unless you give him permission to stop you from drinking even if you're grouchy with him at the time, he may be more likely to support you.
Is your husband interested in quitting? Are you comfortable asking him to quit with you? It will be easier doing this together. If not, you need to be very clear with what you need from him, and allow him to mentally prepare with how cranky/miserable you might be.
Reach out to him, and tell him what you need for support. Tell him you need him to not let you drink, not to support your every whim. He loves you and he doesn't want to fight so unless you give him permission to stop you from drinking even if you're grouchy with him at the time, he may be more likely to support you.
Is your husband interested in quitting? Are you comfortable asking him to quit with you? It will be easier doing this together. If not, you need to be very clear with what you need from him, and allow him to mentally prepare with how cranky/miserable you might be.
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