Blogs


Notices

Boyfriend Chooses Alcohol Over Me

Old 12-01-2016, 11:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2
Unhappy Boyfriend Chooses Alcohol Over Me

My boyfriend and I had been together almost 4 years, he recently turned 21 and started drinking more and more often. It got to the point to where i felt i needed to say something. Once i did, he told me he's just young and relaxes after work with a beer or two. This was true, but he also would go out and get black out drunk with friends 2-3 times a week, and always wanted to have dinner and drinks or go gamble and drink. He lives with his parents and they told him he can no longer drink during the week so he'd sit in is car after work and drink a couple beer's so they wouldn't find out. His mother told me she would find empty beer cans across the street that he was trying to hide from them so they wouldn't know he was drinking that day. My mother is an alcoholic and sat him down to talk to him but he gave her the same excuses. He refused to admit his problem.

One night i found out he was lying about being at work and was really drinking at a friends, i got upset and told his mother about my concerns. The next day when he found out he ignored me for a whole week , then finally called ( sounded like he had been drinking) and broke up with me. He said that we were different people growing in different directions. This all seems so sudden because just a week before the fight he was talking about getting married in the future, we always talked about that kind of stuff and planned our children's names and what not.

I guess im just asking if anyone has been through anything similar? He says he does not have a problem yet i've heard him say that he know's how to sneak a beer in the middle of the day at work, he drinks at least a beer each night, and continues to go out and get sometimes black out drunk with friends. I waited 30 days after the break up and texted him yet i got no reply. I don't know how to handle this type of situation, we've never broken up before and this seems so sudden, i cant help but think its because of the alcohol use. I want to be there for him and help him yet he ignores me. I guess i just wana know if this sounds alcohol related or maybe just a typical breakup. I just didn't see this coming and I think the alcohol thins has gotten out of hand.

Just a side note, he and my mother have OCD pretty badly, she admits her alcohol use is to escape the thoughts, im wondering if that's why he does it too.
likegreenlover is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to likegreenlover For This Useful Post:
ardy (12-01-2016), least (12-01-2016), MythOfSisyphus (12-01-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), RedAndy (12-02-2016), shortstop81 (12-01-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 11:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ardy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,577
Blog Entries: 13
Young Lady oh my you have so much of life ahead of you.. without him... kick him to the curb.. ditch the dead horse.. run kiddo run.. find out what life really has for you.. you just turned 21 and you two have been together for 4 years.. sweetheart you have so much of live to LIVE LIVE LIVE... without him.. go to school get a career travel see the world eat in Paris France wiggle your toes in a pond in England... run run run. and don't look back.. for if you stay in this place with him at the helm .. you will never see any of the life you could have had and been so rich in the career of life you would have had on that other path... look in the mirror. what do you see.. tell the Man in the Mirror what you really want in life and do it DO IT. go go go.... please... and old lady clown... prayers and love
ardy is offline  
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to ardy For This Useful Post:
August252015 (12-01-2016), aussieblue (12-01-2016), BlownOne (08-08-2017), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), Deleteda (12-01-2016), JoeCree (12-02-2016), KES06 (08-08-2017), likegreenlover (12-01-2016), MeSoSober (12-01-2016), NewRomanMan (12-02-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), Opivotal (08-07-2017), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), RedAndy (12-02-2016), SinkingFeeling9 (12-01-2016), teatreeoil007 (12-01-2016), Verdantia (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 12:00 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
F*** the Zero
 
SeaOfSerenity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: London
Posts: 410
it sounds harsh but remembering how I was at that age and being similar, it will only get worse and youll be waiting for him to rock bottom. don't put yourself through it
SeaOfSerenity is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to SeaOfSerenity For This Useful Post:
asixstringnut (12-01-2016), BlownOne (08-08-2017), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), JoeCree (12-02-2016), likegreenlover (12-01-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 12:06 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2
It's just very hard to let go, i was so close with his family, as he was with mine. It was as if we were a married couple already , taking trips, sleeping over most nights of the eeek. It's hard to accept that it's over and that he is going through this battle and can't see he has a problem. I want to be there for him but he will not respond to me. I wish i could help
likegreenlover is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to likegreenlover For This Useful Post:
PhoenixJ (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
asixstringnut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 370
The pain of losing him will pass. The pain of living with a drunk is not worth it. Believe me I know I was a drunk to long
asixstringnut is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to asixstringnut For This Useful Post:
August252015 (12-01-2016), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), least (12-01-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), SeaOfSerenity (12-01-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 12:18 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It's best to move on and find someone better, especially that you're younger. Take a look at the family and friends section on this forum, and it's sad to see the outcomes of what happens when people stay with these types of alcoholics with nasty divorces, families torn apart, lives destroyed,...it's a horrible thing to see.
Forward12 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Forward12 For This Useful Post:
BlownOne (08-08-2017), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), least (12-01-2016), likegreenlover (12-01-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 12:49 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 84,819
Blog Entries: 32
I'd suggest you leave him to himself and make a life without him. He's not willing to admit a problem and is choosing drinking over you. Let him go and move on.
least is online now  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
BlownOne (08-08-2017), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), likegreenlover (12-01-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), teatreeoil007 (12-01-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 01:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 53,740
I'm sorry for your situation. I suspect that he can see there is a problem but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. Denial is a huge part of alcoholism. And, ultimately, he must help himself. You can always check out AlAnon in your city to get local support for yourself.
Anna is online now  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (12-02-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), Seren (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 01:25 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ardy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,577
Blog Entries: 13
I had a gent like this.. he was great to start with.. even with my kids.. and then the all night drinking started and the music and his sleeping all day.. and we were close.. not like you and your young man.. but weekends at the family home on the lake.. fishing.. Jean and Dolly his Mom and Dad.. loved my 3 kids to bits..my daughter was 8 at the time .. Mom can we just marry Jean and Dolly and have them as a family.. loved them to bits... they have passed ... he still is a drunk.. and they gave him everything... when my home burned.. he took that hike.. that did not include me and kids. time to cut the bonds and move on.. well we did. my 3 are great adults.. I have a lovely life that would not have been the same with him.. so roll the dice kiddo. roll the dice...
ardy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to ardy For This Useful Post:
DarklingSong (08-08-2017), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016), teatreeoil007 (12-01-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 01:49 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
DarkDays's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,376
You can't help him , it comes from within . Forget him live your life .

Good luck.
DarkDays is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to DarkDays For This Useful Post:
BlownOne (08-08-2017), DarklingSong (08-08-2017), likegreenlover (12-01-2016), lillyknitting (01-09-2017), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016)
Old 12-01-2016, 01:58 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,137
Long term relationships without addiction issues are challenging enough at times....with addiction in the picture it's just so hard and draining on everyone. You can be so much more and be so much happier without the chains of an addict boyfriend.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to teatreeoil007 For This Useful Post:
likegreenlover (12-01-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016)
Old 12-02-2016, 12:27 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 717
There's a lot of good advice here, of course it will be difficult to walk away he's been a part of your life for pretty much all of your adult life so far but honestly it will only get worse much worse and it's no life for you to live whilst he basically carries on regardless.

I say that because I was him - no matter what it wasn't a problem until it became a problem and I could see it for myself - I met my wife at 20 we both turned 45 in the summer - I've put her through hell due to my problems with drink and drugs but I honestly couldn't see it and didn't accept it was a problem until 1 year ago - that's pretty much a life sentence !!!

Yes things are better now but there's alot of hurt still to mend and stuff that she really never deserved, she's a lovely girl and I made her life hell for so long, it's only because I eventually came to my senses and could see it was out of control, that doesn't happen for everyone and a quarter of a century of someone tormenting you with their behaviour of which they will never take responsibility for is far too much to ask of anyone - I thank my lucky stars that she did stay but could understand if she had left me on many occasions - it's no life to lead for anyone - do yourself a favour walk away now, you have your whole life in front of you.

I have a teenage daughter and if she met anyone like I was then I would tell her to run for the hills and never look back.

Luckily some of us do eventually make it out the other side but it really is not worth the gamble with your own future happiness.
RedAndy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to RedAndy For This Useful Post:
DarklingSong (08-08-2017), JoeCree (12-02-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), PhoenixJ (12-02-2016)
Old 12-02-2016, 01:06 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
PhoenixJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 22,736
Blog Entries: 2
I was the same as Red A, LGL- almost. 30 year marriage, 2 adult sons who I adore. Just over 1 year ago I blacked out with a ciggie in my mouth that fell into a fibreglass splint on my arm- for a stuffed shoulder (fall-booze). The splint and clothing caught fire. The splint turned molten. I woke up in hospital with 20% 4th degree burns 4 weeks later. My wife refused to support me. My sons have not talked to me. I have not been back to the home since. Divorce happening. That is what happens- I am ok. Wife gets everything she asked for. Deserves that much, at least. Sons- well time will tell. Sober 10 months and in active recovery to assure you family ok, I leave them alone. You do not deserve to end up like my family in 30 years. Perhaps f I had used what brains god gave me and found an SR place- so much damage could have been avoided. Look after yourself and your life. You want to help him. Sounds like he does not want to help himself.
Thoughts and prayers to you, PJ.
PhoenixJ is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to PhoenixJ For This Useful Post:
DarklingSong (08-08-2017), JoeCree (12-02-2016), Nowsthetime (12-02-2016), RedAndy (12-02-2016), teatreeoil007 (12-02-2016)
Old 12-02-2016, 04:38 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello:

I'm sorry for what brings you here.

The best help you can give him is to leave and never look back. Read around this forum, specially the friends and family and you will realize that that's no way to live.

Your situation is not unique and even though he might be special to you, the situation is not. We have heard this story over and over here. Don't be part of it. You dated for 4 yrs and you are 21, your life is ahead of you and there are plenty of good men out there. Don't be sad, be excited about the new life in front of you.

Don't let this man toy with your emotions. You have been together for four years and this is how he decides to end it? What does that tell you? He doesn't respect you or your relationship.

Run for the hills and never look back. Set s boundary and stick to it. I know it's easier said than done but you know in your heart what is best for you. He is alcoholic and nobody can do anything to help him. He can only help himself.

Please trust us. We know about this because many of us were him.
Nowsthetime is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Nowsthetime For This Useful Post:
BlownOne (08-08-2017), PhoenixJ (12-03-2016), RedAndy (12-02-2016)
Old 12-02-2016, 11:18 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,855
Welcome to the Forum Likegreenlover!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
PhoenixJ (12-03-2016)
Old 12-02-2016, 11:27 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Blog Entries: 4
You can't help him or change him. Period. It sounds harsh, but it's the truth. He's well on his way to becoming a text book alcoholic. Eventually his life will become unmanageable and the people closest to him will be sucked into a vortex of insanity and dysfunction because of his alcoholism Sound like fun to you? I hope not. Let go and move on.
NewRomanMan is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NewRomanMan For This Useful Post:
Berrybean (08-08-2017), PhoenixJ (12-03-2016)
Old 08-07-2017, 05:43 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by RedAndy View Post

I say that because I was him - no matter what it wasn't a problem until it became a problem and I could see it for myself - I met my wife at 20 we both turned 45 in the summer - I've put her through hell due to my problems with drink and drugs but I honestly couldn't see it and didn't accept it was a problem until 1 year ago - that's pretty much a life sentence !!!
WOW! 25 years??? That is a huge and scary eye-opener. I am 39 and just broke up with my ex who is an alcoholic. I just imagined spending the next 25 years with him and the hell I would go through and for me that would be a death sentence. As hard as it is to let him go, I don't want that life for myself!
SoHurt2017 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SoHurt2017 For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (08-08-2017), tomsteve (08-08-2017)
Old 08-07-2017, 06:53 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 89
This sounds very familiar....except I was the ****** boyfriend

Unfortunately in my case all my relationships ended because I wasn't willing to admit I had a problem. I hope that he is able to come to that realization, but if he doesn't then don't stay with him because it won't get better. It feels weird saying that, but I know since that WAS me
MNVikes4life is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MNVikes4life For This Useful Post:
Andagain (08-07-2017), Berrybean (08-08-2017), Jezzi (08-07-2017), tomsteve (08-08-2017)
Old 08-07-2017, 09:33 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 177
As an alcoholic I can tell you that no one was talking me out of drinking when I was 21, I imagine he is very much the same and considering how he has responded, I would say the chances of him giving up alcohol for you are slim to none. You can't help him, he can only help himself.
Andagain is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Andagain For This Useful Post:
DarklingSong (08-08-2017), Jezzi (08-07-2017), tomsteve (08-08-2017)
Old 08-08-2017, 07:01 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 115
I guess all I can say is, I was his age, I drank a lot, I finished a relationship because I felt I was being nagged to settle down. n my head, I was partying, no harm to anyone,I was young and my boyfriend at the time was a killjoy in my view. You wont win against him, he will not view his lifestyle hazardous, as you do. life has much more to offer than for you to be picking up the pieces, and dealing with the sh*tstorm us folk create when we are drinking.

As one woman to another, and also as someone who acted entirely as your partner is now, and ended an engagement so I could drink hassle free. Go, leave and don't look back. One day he may sober up and realise what he lost, but is not anytime soon my friend. Go be happy with someone that is in the same headspace as you, trust all of us on this when we say to leave this relationship be.
noturningback2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to noturningback2 For This Useful Post:
DarklingSong (08-08-2017)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:11 PM.